i was caught for a moment in Abby’s ideas

22 07 2009

on the phone for well over an hour. house stuff…this and that and the ones who still have to pick up their purchases. i was expecting it to be a planned short call (i really dont do phone calls…i’m a guest at somebody else’s house AND it was confirmed that my voice sounds …meh…by someone who supposedly liked me maybe)

it was supposed to be quick. but then Abby got to her point. was she just trying to make 2 sales out of 1? it is, afterall her job to do that…that’s where she makes her money. it mattered very lil to her whether i stayed or left the one house personally. putting up gave her another opportunity (though i think it’s a rougher market now). she said the market isnt so bad and proceded to mail me links. she found a few spots that  [she said] “made me think of you.

all builder’s lots and none under $200,000.

“The builder has pre-established plans, but its not like there isnt wiggle room. You’d have the upper-hand in the negotiation. They’re all away from Park in nice residential areas with nice school districts. You can have it built as a ranch to accomodate your needs”

i am not a fan of ranches. i know i told someone this… so few people know me.

“Well then a first floor bedroom…and aside from the location, the price is perfect. The taxes are more affordable than here. This place was far more house than you and Lilly really needed. There is the Homeorama location…” 

let’s pretend i have a clue what that is

“Its in Victor, on lovely rolling hills around the corner from Valentown and the mall . Two locations in Penfield that would be ideal. One in Canandaigua and one in Pittsford. I’ll send you the link.”

http://www.newhomesource.com/communityresults/market-215

“Remember the key is that with these new developments you could have the house customized from the very start. Everything you liked about this place you could copy and everything you disliked you could change. It’s a wonderful opportunity!”

ok…i got caught in her enthusiasm. someone sounding excited when talking to ME, really? i got caught in the trap of another future-looking person who made me temporarily forget that i have things and stuff in the NOW that still need to be dealt with. darn those future-pointers and dream makers…they always make it sound so possible…so easy to accomplish, when it’s not…i’ve got this messy moat to get over and there isnt any bridge.

and really…what was the point of this conversation anyhow… was she really interested in my well-being or MORE interested in landing that valuable coming and going commission from me?

still i agreed to allow Bryan to look into the properties.

stupid.

i’m not wanted up there. the sale is wanted. my money is wanted…but i’m not. i made that choice over a month ago when i fled. the drs. down here wont even clear me to go (though Abby says that’s not a problem, that all the paperwork could be done via fax, email, etc. and anyhow by letting her, Scott and Bryan handle the small issues…it’s a builder’s lot and would take some time for a house to be placed and liveable)

she was just trying to make a sale. this has nothing to do with me…just the $$$

every person comes at a price.

she’s not a witch or villain, but still…nothing is for free and that whole conversation had absolutely nothing to do with anyone showing signs of wanting me around.

everyone has an ulterior motive…the real reason… the real reason my mom was nice, the real reason Dave let me sleep on his couch, the real reason A**** came back, the real reason i was sent to Virginia, the real reason Abby “found the ideal house”

when will i stop being so blastedly hopeful and gullible…that stupid never-ending wish …stupid

Lilly and i dont need 4 bedrooms near a golf course. Lilly and i dont need a formal dining room or a stone patio (especially not the stone patio…no stone fascades, no stone fireplaces, no stone walks…that would crush me every morning when i looked out upon it!)

when will i stop being like this??? when will it stop hurting??? i need to lay down again





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22 07 2009

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21 07 2009

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19 07 2009

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18 07 2009

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18 07 2009

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17 07 2009

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when ignorance was bliss

17 07 2009

i had always believed (been made to believe)

that we would one day mingle our belongings

his dining table that he was so proud of, the leather couch, his electronic gizmos and handmade bookshelves…his short dresser

pots and pans and plates

camping gear and grill

and even bunk beds i didnt know he had, but suspect were bought for her house not with the idea of one day ours…

would all move in and mingle in with what i had.

(though i was mixed on my feelings about his bed…i was apprehensive about that bed…it made me giggle in thought because that first weekend he had been interested in buying a king sized bed [too big...i'd get lost and it would take me days to find him...though i had always secretly supposed that he wasnt as interested in the king sized bed as he was in the sales girl for the king sized bed as his room would never have fit one that large...hehe] but i was also apprehensive about that particular piece of furniture entering our house. you see…where it would have looked wonderful in the guest room…with it came the shadows of the many other girls who enjoyed that bed…shadows of girls i couldnt ever hope to compete with.)

but there still was the belief that he really wanted us to mingle…bodies, lives and furniture (which was the second of three reasons why i was hesitant to get furniture for the house).

1. the more you own the more you have to drag with you when things fall apart

2. it wasnt ever about the house being mine…i wanted to leave rooms for him to fill

3. he has an incredible gift for seeing beauty in the ordinary and putting things together

i had believed…and when he

it doesnt matter…i know…”no big deal” i didnt give he and the boys the couch so i could repossess it.

i was told that he dumped everything me…it was the message waiting for me when i returned from the hospital the other day. that and the usual…and his voice (though not saying what i needed him to say)

it never mattered…unimportant

i dont know why i ever expect to be something more





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15 07 2009

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in my life

15 07 2009

“There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you”

i think i’ve used those lyrics before. not sure though…heads a lil fuzzy and i need to lay down, but i’ve been away from my laptop for a week…they wouldnt let me have it in the hospital given my condition (yet, i was healthy enough to release after a series of strokes and 3 days in ICU…go figure).

i’ve so many thoughts floating about my head…largest one being mortality and what will happen to Lilly. the lawyers…her lawyers called Lilly the million-dollar baby… i was on the floor at the time and maybe they didnt know i could still hear the off-remark. it seemed a weird remark amid a swarm of people fussing over me. i banged my head on the way down. maybe they didnt realize i could hear. but given that mom took large life insurance policies out on everyone, and combined with dad’s work policy…me lying there on the floor stroking out made her lawyers realize that Lilly would get all

and my mom would fight her for it and when that didnt work my mom would get custody of her

[gotta take a break from this...my energy and head are nearly gone...26 and i'm a feeble old woman]

my mom will try to get Lilly…not for love…never for love? she didnt even look at me!!! it was always about the money??!!!

and that’s when i realized that all Aslan said was true…i woke up later tangled in tubes again with that very thought. (well the first time i woke up i was tangled in a dream of him…holding me from behind, stroking my hair…softly calling me “tink” and telling me to open my eyes “baby”…spooning he called it…me thinking we  were tangled in each other… sheets barely covering the outline of our nakedness…his arm about my waist pulling me close…his warm breath, wonderful tickling chest hair and soft sweet nuzzles at my back and shoulder…and that intimately deep voice of his coaxing me awake…the bulge of him pushing at me from behind…wanting me to roll over and…) yeah, i was out of it…had even wrote the nurse a note to send Aslan in and couldnt understand her confused face…and then i realized…it all came flood back and after they strapped me in and sedated me (like old times)…after the doctor arrived and told me what had happened and what had been done…then the knowledge that my time is limited here hit…and there will be no one to raise Lilly

he offered of course…but see…his girl wouldnt want Lilly and if forced to take her…Aslan offered not to go back to his girl…but that’s not real. he always goes back to her.

i guess i always knew it…i’ve written it here lots of times too…but when he said it the last time “she will always take me back…it doesnt matter” it became one of those hit-with-a-brick moments when you realize that SHE was right…they had a fight and though i was asking him to come down to be with Lilly and i a part of me knew his distraction and dancing about was because he really didnt mean it. that every word he said about her to me, “she’s not the one i want…she’s just the one i’m with because i dont want to be alone.” every degrading word he said (oh, and they were degrading…to think someone would use another person with little regard for their feelings) he was probably saying the exact same thing to her about me. Dave had said (i think it was Dave) that Aslan preyed girls who had no self-esteem…was it true? what is true? did anything he say to me have truth to it? did he want ME ever? uniquely me…unique plans and dreams for the future? or was it as his girl had said, just a fight and he’d go back to her.

[ugh...so many thoughts have been swarming and i need to purge them...they hurt so much Aslan! but then it's too much and the room spins...i cant feel my legs...gonna lay down...finish in a bit]

maybe Aslan is completely unaware how those actions hurt…maybe he doesnt realize that each time he does the ping-pong girl thing… each girl he leaves… he is pulling worth from until they are left in a useless puddle feeling  like undesirable, ugly scum and less than dirt in his and everyone else’s eyes. it is said that every guy wants to be the girls first real love and every girl wants to be her man’s lasting love. maybe Aslan doesnt realize his actions are like “hey, i’ve got a cancellation for my 2 o’clock…you want in that slot?” i know…it’s no big deal…nothing special. (except of course…for some uniquely Melissa reason…it disturbed me a great deal that he could refer to HER in so little light … how he could be so cold, unaffected and dismissive of her…no matter how cruel she has been to Lilly and i, i was shocked to hear him be so uncaring…and he said i’m brought up when they fight…no wonder why she hates me…i do realize that he views me just as unattractively and probably says equally mean things about me to win her back) all this time i had thought Aslan felt a lil hurt by that one girl but maybe i was wrong, and that other girl who was alternating sex between Aslan and whoever…and then later suggested a threesome because Aslan wasnt enough…maybe that didnt disturb Aslan in the slightest. it’s not a pride thing…it’s not about being or treating someone you say “i love you” to as special. (yes, i’m well aware he always left/was with another girl within hours of telling me he loved me) they are only words and well…whoever is only the person to fill the empty moment? 

(but what do i know…it seems for the better part of the last few years i’ve been swarmed by people wanting me to give blow jobs or choose color swatches who are completely unaware (dont care? idk) that i’m  laying mangled on the ground, unable to move, with an enormous gaping and gorey hole in my chest and being torn and shredded left-and-right by bill collectors and rabid dogs)

you gotta wonder…did some girl hurt him real bad and the rest of us need to pay for that…him getting his revenge against her by playing us? did the ex cheat on him or was it the other way around…he never knew what he wanted and could never commit because it bores him? idk…he usually reads me well. he usually know exactly when and what and always how…

he’s usually perceptive…did he know when he said she meant nothing to him that it sank my heart as well? he just confuses me (and then breaks my heart…always…but i just keep loving him so…it doesnt matter to him, but i love him so! he breaks my heart and then once-in-a-while comes back and expects to instantly pickup as if nothing happened and he wasnt just in someone else’s bed…and if i pause…if i dont jump and do…he moves on again…breaking my heart because it doesnt matter… who am i anyhow?)

ok…that was completely unfair to put to print…Aslan IS far more kind and thoughtful and sweet than that…i’m a frustration all the way around and right now i’m just tired and trying to unwind my brain mess.

but….maybe he didnt go back to her. maybe it was as he said and i did mean something to him and he didnt go back. no flip-flop this time because girls are not just replaceable parts that can be tossed aside with no regard or feeling. maybe i was the one he wanted as he said. maybe he really would take Lilly!!!

i’ve got to think of Lilly…she shouldnt…i dont understand how she does…but she loves him sooooo…she became attached to him before she was born…he insisted on talking to her even when i was pregnant. it seems impossible…but she remembered? from then and from me playing his voice in the nicu…she remembers and …

[ugh...cant catch my breath and i'll ive done is sit upright and type...and think...i need to lay down again...i'll finish in a few mins]

i told them not to contact him in Virginia…i begged them because he wanted nothing to do with me. thought he had raced back to his girl or maybe was sitting at her house while he was typing me those ultimatums knowing that i dont do the normal response to ultimatums (is there less guilt if the girl you want to dump tells you goodbye first?) it doesnt matter…he always knows how to work me…maybe

but what if he didnt go back to her. what if i really did mean something to him and he didnt want to go back to her and he really wanted to raise Lilly? its not a matter of someone taking Lilly…when presented with how much money she has, Aslan’s right…people will take her. but Aslan would give her love…not just use her. he says he care about her. the fact that she has all this money…he would raise her right (spoil the shit out of her and raise her to be a Steeler fan…hehe)

what if he was being truthful and i was what he wanted and Lilly…with or without me he wanted Lilly always.

[just too many exhausting thoughts in my head...lay there in hospital lights realizing that your daughter is with strangers and a gang of pitbulls...you arent there to raise her...you have no say...all these thoughts of who is important...who was i important to...who will love Lilly when i'm not. 4 strokes... i'm 26...and now i'm tired again. brb]

what if i pleaded with Aslan to come down to Kingsland, TX and take Lilly…well maybe in a day or two…lemme have time with her a lil bit

will he remember that lil girls are different from lil boys…that they need bedtime stories filled with rainbows and daring rescues, lots of hugs and kisses and “twinkle-twinkle lil star” and nighttime prayers where they can bless everyone important including a monkey…they need dependable routines to tuck them in and count on…but above all else: lil girls need their daddy most of all!

will he remember that?

no, wait…i cant…they will throw that custody choice right out the window. i sent him money, and though he never has to do what i ask him to use the money for, i just know he probably didnt get his license back. it’s that stupid alcohol evaluation.

yes, Aslan…in their terms you are an alcoholic. you have been stopped twice for driving while impaired (that i know of), but beyond that you meet all the classic criteria. your father’s drinking…you began drinking  young and your habits have not diminished…you binge drink…you have been known to go to bars by yourself to drink…you drink on the job…you black out and rarely remember what you did when you’ve been drinking…regardless of how foolish, dangerous or sometimes hurtful they are (and sheepishly shrug that off as ok, justified or amusing still), and where it is true that you can go for periods of time without drinking…you use your drinking as a means to 1. be social and 2. get happy.

you’ll meet their criteria. you know it  and though i’ve never said it to you before (eggshells) i know it. that fact doesnt make me love you any less or think that you are any less than wonderful…that fact doesnt make me want to change you in the least (you are perfect as you are…and always have been…always will be!!!)

but…if you are caught driving the children about without a license you will be charged with endangering the welfare of a child AND custody issues will come into question. if i give you Lilly and you are pulled over with her in the car, not only will you lose custody of her, but i will too.

oh God…i love you so very much. i know you told me to remove…but Aslan…i need you. i am sick…Lilly needs you

you said put the children first… i need to stop posting here and get my phone out. hopefully, when you realize the reason is Lilly…you wont be mad that i called.

[i'm gonna lay down for a bit...hehe...maybe Lilly will find my phone and bring it to me on the couch. Lilly who came wobbly-running into my arms in her new "Tigger" sneakers and holding my face to look deep in my eyes (Aslan told me why she does that). Lilly who is now curled up at my side, thumb in mouth...all i need to say is "____" and she'll find the phone. the phone (and perhaps the calls from the Wegmans people because i didnt complete my final 3-week notice as i had promised) will wait for a bit. i need to rest a bit and pic another beach, but maybe it's Lilly holding his hand?  my first and last thought are of you and her, Aslan...will you forgive me for calling once you realize that? in my life i love you more]





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8 07 2009

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