“There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you”
i think i’ve used those lyrics before. not sure though…heads a lil fuzzy and i need to lay down, but i’ve been away from my laptop for a week…they wouldnt let me have it in the hospital given my condition (yet, i was healthy enough to release after a series of strokes and 3 days in ICU…go figure).
i’ve so many thoughts floating about my head…largest one being mortality and what will happen to Lilly. the lawyers…her lawyers called Lilly the million-dollar baby… i was on the floor at the time and maybe they didnt know i could still hear the off-remark. it seemed a weird remark amid a swarm of people fussing over me. i banged my head on the way down. maybe they didnt realize i could hear. but given that mom took large life insurance policies out on everyone, and combined with dad’s work policy…me lying there on the floor stroking out made her lawyers realize that Lilly would get all
and my mom would fight her for it and when that didnt work my mom would get custody of her
[gotta take a break from this...my energy and head are nearly gone...26 and i'm a feeble old woman]
my mom will try to get Lilly…not for love…never for love? she didnt even look at me!!! it was always about the money??!!!
and that’s when i realized that all Aslan said was true…i woke up later tangled in tubes again with that very thought. (well the first time i woke up i was tangled in a dream of him…holding me from behind, stroking my hair…softly calling me “tink” and telling me to open my eyes “baby”…spooning he called it…me thinking we were tangled in each other… sheets barely covering the outline of our nakedness…his arm about my waist pulling me close…his warm breath, wonderful tickling chest hair and soft sweet nuzzles at my back and shoulder…and that intimately deep voice of his coaxing me awake…the bulge of him pushing at me from behind…wanting me to roll over and…) yeah, i was out of it…had even wrote the nurse a note to send Aslan in and couldnt understand her confused face…and then i realized…it all came flood back and after they strapped me in and sedated me (like old times)…after the doctor arrived and told me what had happened and what had been done…then the knowledge that my time is limited here hit…and there will be no one to raise Lilly
he offered of course…but see…his girl wouldnt want Lilly and if forced to take her…Aslan offered not to go back to his girl…but that’s not real. he always goes back to her.
i guess i always knew it…i’ve written it here lots of times too…but when he said it the last time “she will always take me back…it doesnt matter” it became one of those hit-with-a-brick moments when you realize that SHE was right…they had a fight and though i was asking him to come down to be with Lilly and i a part of me knew his distraction and dancing about was because he really didnt mean it. that every word he said about her to me, “she’s not the one i want…she’s just the one i’m with because i dont want to be alone.” every degrading word he said (oh, and they were degrading…to think someone would use another person with little regard for their feelings) he was probably saying the exact same thing to her about me. Dave had said (i think it was Dave) that Aslan preyed girls who had no self-esteem…was it true? what is true? did anything he say to me have truth to it? did he want ME ever? uniquely me…unique plans and dreams for the future? or was it as his girl had said, just a fight and he’d go back to her.
[ugh...so many thoughts have been swarming and i need to purge them...they hurt so much Aslan! but then it's too much and the room spins...i cant feel my legs...gonna lay down...finish in a bit]
maybe Aslan is completely unaware how those actions hurt…maybe he doesnt realize that each time he does the ping-pong girl thing… each girl he leaves… he is pulling worth from until they are left in a useless puddle feeling like undesirable, ugly scum and less than dirt in his and everyone else’s eyes. it is said that every guy wants to be the girls first real love and every girl wants to be her man’s lasting love. maybe Aslan doesnt realize his actions are like “hey, i’ve got a cancellation for my 2 o’clock…you want in that slot?” i know…it’s no big deal…nothing special. (except of course…for some uniquely Melissa reason…it disturbed me a great deal that he could refer to HER in so little light … how he could be so cold, unaffected and dismissive of her…no matter how cruel she has been to Lilly and i, i was shocked to hear him be so uncaring…and he said i’m brought up when they fight…no wonder why she hates me…i do realize that he views me just as unattractively and probably says equally mean things about me to win her back) all this time i had thought Aslan felt a lil hurt by that one girl but maybe i was wrong, and that other girl who was alternating sex between Aslan and whoever…and then later suggested a threesome because Aslan wasnt enough…maybe that didnt disturb Aslan in the slightest. it’s not a pride thing…it’s not about being or treating someone you say “i love you” to as special. (yes, i’m well aware he always left/was with another girl within hours of telling me he loved me) they are only words and well…whoever is only the person to fill the empty moment?
(but what do i know…it seems for the better part of the last few years i’ve been swarmed by people wanting me to give blow jobs or choose color swatches who are completely unaware (dont care? idk) that i’m laying mangled on the ground, unable to move, with an enormous gaping and gorey hole in my chest and being torn and shredded left-and-right by bill collectors and rabid dogs)
you gotta wonder…did some girl hurt him real bad and the rest of us need to pay for that…him getting his revenge against her by playing us? did the ex cheat on him or was it the other way around…he never knew what he wanted and could never commit because it bores him? idk…he usually reads me well. he usually know exactly when and what and always how…
he’s usually perceptive…did he know when he said she meant nothing to him that it sank my heart as well? he just confuses me (and then breaks my heart…always…but i just keep loving him so…it doesnt matter to him, but i love him so! he breaks my heart and then once-in-a-while comes back and expects to instantly pickup as if nothing happened and he wasnt just in someone else’s bed…and if i pause…if i dont jump and do…he moves on again…breaking my heart because it doesnt matter… who am i anyhow?)
ok…that was completely unfair to put to print…Aslan IS far more kind and thoughtful and sweet than that…i’m a frustration all the way around and right now i’m just tired and trying to unwind my brain mess.
but….maybe he didnt go back to her. maybe it was as he said and i did mean something to him and he didnt go back. no flip-flop this time because girls are not just replaceable parts that can be tossed aside with no regard or feeling. maybe i was the one he wanted as he said. maybe he really would take Lilly!!!
i’ve got to think of Lilly…she shouldnt…i dont understand how she does…but she loves him sooooo…she became attached to him before she was born…he insisted on talking to her even when i was pregnant. it seems impossible…but she remembered? from then and from me playing his voice in the nicu…she remembers and …
[ugh...cant catch my breath and i'll ive done is sit upright and type...and think...i need to lay down again...i'll finish in a few mins]
i told them not to contact him in Virginia…i begged them because he wanted nothing to do with me. thought he had raced back to his girl or maybe was sitting at her house while he was typing me those ultimatums knowing that i dont do the normal response to ultimatums (is there less guilt if the girl you want to dump tells you goodbye first?) it doesnt matter…he always knows how to work me…maybe
but what if he didnt go back to her. what if i really did mean something to him and he didnt want to go back to her and he really wanted to raise Lilly? its not a matter of someone taking Lilly…when presented with how much money she has, Aslan’s right…people will take her. but Aslan would give her love…not just use her. he says he care about her. the fact that she has all this money…he would raise her right (spoil the shit out of her and raise her to be a Steeler fan…hehe)
what if he was being truthful and i was what he wanted and Lilly…with or without me he wanted Lilly always.
[just too many exhausting thoughts in my head...lay there in hospital lights realizing that your daughter is with strangers and a gang of pitbulls...you arent there to raise her...you have no say...all these thoughts of who is important...who was i important to...who will love Lilly when i'm not. 4 strokes... i'm 26...and now i'm tired again. brb]
what if i pleaded with Aslan to come down to Kingsland, TX and take Lilly…well maybe in a day or two…lemme have time with her a lil bit
will he remember that lil girls are different from lil boys…that they need bedtime stories filled with rainbows and daring rescues, lots of hugs and kisses and “twinkle-twinkle lil star” and nighttime prayers where they can bless everyone important including a monkey…they need dependable routines to tuck them in and count on…but above all else: lil girls need their daddy most of all!
will he remember that?
no, wait…i cant…they will throw that custody choice right out the window. i sent him money, and though he never has to do what i ask him to use the money for, i just know he probably didnt get his license back. it’s that stupid alcohol evaluation.
yes, Aslan…in their terms you are an alcoholic. you have been stopped twice for driving while impaired (that i know of), but beyond that you meet all the classic criteria. your father’s drinking…you began drinking young and your habits have not diminished…you binge drink…you have been known to go to bars by yourself to drink…you drink on the job…you black out and rarely remember what you did when you’ve been drinking…regardless of how foolish, dangerous or sometimes hurtful they are (and sheepishly shrug that off as ok, justified or amusing still), and where it is true that you can go for periods of time without drinking…you use your drinking as a means to 1. be social and 2. get happy.
you’ll meet their criteria. you know it and though i’ve never said it to you before (eggshells) i know it. that fact doesnt make me love you any less or think that you are any less than wonderful…that fact doesnt make me want to change you in the least (you are perfect as you are…and always have been…always will be!!!)
but…if you are caught driving the children about without a license you will be charged with endangering the welfare of a child AND custody issues will come into question. if i give you Lilly and you are pulled over with her in the car, not only will you lose custody of her, but i will too.
oh God…i love you so very much. i know you told me to remove…but Aslan…i need you. i am sick…Lilly needs you
you said put the children first… i need to stop posting here and get my phone out. hopefully, when you realize the reason is Lilly…you wont be mad that i called.
[i'm gonna lay down for a bit...hehe...maybe Lilly will find my phone and bring it to me on the couch. Lilly who came wobbly-running into my arms in her new "Tigger" sneakers and holding my face to look deep in my eyes (Aslan told me why she does that). Lilly who is now curled up at my side, thumb in mouth...all i need to say is "____" and she'll find the phone. the phone (and perhaps the calls from the Wegmans people because i didnt complete my final 3-week notice as i had promised) will wait for a bit. i need to rest a bit and pic another beach, but maybe it's Lilly holding his hand? my first and last thought are of you and her, Aslan...will you forgive me for calling once you realize that? in my life i love you more]
Recent Comments