when best intentions fall short…

17 08 2008

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

11:35 AM – worth it everything and more…
Current mood:
ecstatic
Category:
Romance and Relationships

it is rare that a person is offered a second chance…a chance to prove themselves and their devotion to another over again… i have been given that chance…that opportunity… the chance to prove what i have been saying to him all along…he is worth everything and more. every smile, every tear, every joy and every risk… (though, from the moment we began this…in his care…there has been far more joys than pain…far more good times than bad… a lifetime of smiles actually!)
but i get to prove it once and for all… and the word excited is not even close in describing my feeling about the potential of him (seeing his eyes up close…their sparkle… that incorrigible smirk… the possibility of an electric touch… the possibility that, after all this time, he is real) yes, i do recognize that i will be reduced to putty…wanting to melt and mold myself to his form …but we will be public… contained and content to whatever he will give… taking all that he offers …and ecstatically happy b/c it is him…my hearts desire…him!!!!
and yes, this does eerily resemble that x-mas eve night long ago… i’m supposed to be someplace else… i have to find a way to sneak out… the consequence for not being there is steep… but it will be all worth it in the end, right? 
the potential of him and 20 mins. of absolute heaven is worth anything i’ll have to face!!!!
HE is worth it… all this time he has waited… he once told me…begged me… all i needed to do was come back so our life could begin… told me, “i have never asked for anything but this from you…come home to me baby!”

nervous? yes. my memories r very vivid of how it turned out b4…but once in a while u r blessed with someone so perfect and wonderful…u just need to prove ur devotion. if i screw this up he will be gone forever (i do know this…that consequence is infinitely worse than any physical consequence i could face!!!).

i have been, of course, dropping him hints here on how to find me, but i do realize that it is me that must go to him. he has nothing to prove… in him i have no doubts. he is everything and more!!

and he confuses me soooo much too… there r times when idk what he wants… i have no doubts in him… but he just…. idk… but even with that confusion, the potential of him is worth any thing i could face or lose.

i only wish tomorrow was already here. i want to hold his face in my hands…finally and forever! he created the most beautiful love story just for me… i want my happily ever after… the one i know he has been holding for me…i want it this moment!!!! and from this day forward!!! (if u knew him, u would know he is worth it!!!)

worth any cost…worth any sacrifice… and i have my chance to prove it… not just words… never a lie…never a line!!!

the website says the church has mass tonight. a lil extra prayer couldnt hurt. i just got home and put my clothes in the closet…i’ll eat my cereal and head out again to hopefully recruit God’s good grace for assistance this time around. (only wish i could attend confession b4 too… clean soul… cleansed of my sins… forgiven for being such a horrible and hurtful person… that would probably help this along too… but confessions r on Sat. and i had to work and couldnt do both.)

i have a rare second chance and the potential of meeting, holding, kissing the most wonderful man ever created.!!! (scared yes…but not b/c of him…never a doubt in him…though i wish it was NOW! u just know the hours b/w him and i will drag on sooooo…)

i was only meant to love one!!! he is everything and more!!!!

ALL SMILES!!!!! (i want it to be NOW!!!!)

Currently listening :
Facing Future
By Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
Release date:
01 September, 1993

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Sunday, July 15, 2007  (the one not published for the public)

6:40 AM – lil notes…

Current mood: numb

Category: Romance and Relationships

for him (though it turns out […]. i dont regret the moment. i dont regret coming back for the moment we had):

the both of us were swept with exhaustion

and yet neither of us could manage to fall asleep

i warned you ahead of time the size

of my “bed” wouldn’t be generous to the both of us.

but that night, i learned that less space

in between was always better.

the spattering and trickling sound of raindrops

was slowly becoming my favorite soundtrack

and every inch of your warm skin

would soon become my favorite taste.

but it was in the way you touched me that

even novel description couldn’t suffice.

and how do i describe the way it seemed as though your

fingers were making love to my every scar?

or how a part of me would somehow shut down

when you would sign right in my ear?

no matter how far the moments between us grows,

i will never forget a single detail (seen and unseen),

because that was the moment

that i knew i only wanted you.

(so what do i do with the knowledge that you didnt feel the same way?)

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Saturday, July 14, 2007

4:40 AM – lil notes…
Current mood:
numb
Category:
Goals, Plans, Hopes

Entreat me not to leave thee,
My heart goes with thee now;
Why turn my footsteps homeward?
No friend so dear as thou!
Thy heart has borne my sorrow,
And I have wept for thine;
And now how can I leave thee?

 

Entreat me not to leave thee,
Or to return from following after thee;
For where thou goest I will go,
And where thou lodgest I will lodge;
Thy people shall be my people,
And thy God my God,

Currently listening :
Hey There Delilah
By Plain White T’s
Release date:
09 May, 2006

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Friday, July 13, 2007

11:51 AM – glass rooster…
Current mood:
contemplative
Category:
Travel and Places

went roaming again today in search of a yoga mat to replace my cardboard box bed. i figured a yoga mat would be a small possession and if need-be i could part with it rather easily.
i stopped off at the church again…tip money in my pocket…i would have made an offering but the church is open m-w in the summer. (yeah, odd…u wouldnt think God has summer hrs.) so i parked myself in the median again in front of the church and prayed…i have no way of knowing how he is doing so i will just send off prayers when i can (which is often).
tips were ok last night…not like champps on those weekends b4 holidays, (u’ve got to do the “private” parties for that…lol…no thanx!) but my pockets have money in them now. cheerios in the cupboard and milk, grapes and pears in the refrigerator…i’m set for food. i brought my backpack full of laundry figuring i could pop in a load somewhere and then look about while it washes and dries.
funny how earned money gives u new-found confidence, regardless of how it was earned. still waiting on my papers and allowance from albany. but as i continued up oxford i noted apts for rent…there was even a furnished studio…took down the numbers…perhaps i could sneak out of mine into something better in the middle of the night (told ya…money in my pockets gives me courage…lol)
i like oxford so much better than rutgers…the walks are all broken on rutgers and houses are showing wear (not to mention that it doesnt have the beautiful median)…i rounded the corner onto park…just ambling with no true direction saw a for rent sign near 460 and actually stopped…

funny thing about apts. and jobs…to get them u need to fill out applications…and they kind of prefer if u can say what ur job is, have a phone, stable history and umm references. i smiled at the woman politely, like many people i have had the nerve to talk to in the last few days…told her i would fill it out and return it to her as it looked like rain and i wanted to get my laundry in b4 it did (only a small lie…she will not remember me enough to be insulted)….then i moved down the street….

there is an apt for rent on the corner of westminster…a big hulk of a building undergoing rennovations…i sat acrossed the way next to a beautiful garden patch of daylilies…wondering if i could manufacture a believeable story of where i have been and who i am…just enough to get an apt to wake up to that garden every morning. i eventually told myself that the apt they want to rent faces the parking lot in the back…and decided that, with a view like that, it is just as well that i could not get it if i tried.

i did my laundry on park…ate a salad a the frog pond…debated a pedicure at maxims…but in the end…the salad was my only splurge. i couldnt finish it and dared not take it b/c it would have wilted by the time i hobbled home.

on the way home…it began to rain…just lil light droplets that could easily be dodged beneath the canopy of trees on park…i love the smell of new rain… it smells of iron (please do not ruin my enjoyment by telling me that that is b/c of all the toxins…pfft) the rain felt warm and refreshing against my skin…aside from the fact that i was wearing my silk blouse again…and it now has rain stains…lol…

the iron smell reminded me of my grandparents well water at their farm on green lake. it was a lovely memory.

meandering my way back i came across an antique shop… i peeked inside and was drawn instantly to the back section near the glass…there on a shelf with hob-nail dishes was a small glass rooster…a figurine about 2 inches tall… head bent back and crowing to the sky (proclaiming his found treasure no doubt)… it was delicate (for reasons u will not understand) and i felt clumsy and unsuitable to pick it up…but i did…just to hold it in my hand for a moment.

chickens…a curio cabinet…a glass rooster…

some things in life r soooo entirely fragile.

i mailed the envelope and returned to my real life here.

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

2:21 AM – everything looks different in the light of day…
Current mood:
curious
Category:
Travel and Places

are we in a wedge or a ward? this area has its own language, dialect, and vocab… the descriptions one gets when asking for directions are fascinating as if everyone expects you to be a native… descriptions are not only given in terms of landmarks (that you are expected to understand) but are frequently interspersed with recommendations (“the best ______,” or “i wouldnt eat ________ there.”)
people speak as if all this was common knowledge. seriously, were all rochesterians born knowing this stuff or were they issued directories upon moving into the area? (umm…where’s my directory?)
the traffic around here is amazing…pedestrian, bicycle, cars… it sometimes looks like those movies of busy traffic in Hong Kong… the way it mingles and disperses with ease…i could seriously sit in front of Blockbuster and people-watch all day…
and then you look at the shops… typical urban young professional staples like Brueggers and several trendy pubs, boutiques, antique stores, cafes and the like…old buildings and new buildings made to fit the old theme…and then you have Show World…
hmmm… “one of these things is not like the other…one of these things just doesnt belong….”

but my most favorite spot in the whole area would have to be oxford with its wide grassy median…i’m pretty sure i get better reception there…right in front of the church…i could just picnic in the peacefulness everyday!!!

but hey, have you ever noticed though how the Blessed Sacrament Church comes right up to the edge of the road? someone told me that was from the old days so carriages could pull right up and women wouldnt get their skirts all muddy…(yeah, that’s it…some guy somewhere thought of a design as a “convenience” for women’s fashions…pfft!) i think it appears more like the church wants to cross over to the north side of oxford… (or perhaps it has loftier plans…perhaps it wants to crawl further down monroe and stare disapprovingly at Show World. lol)

i am still trying to acclimate myself to the noise around here… it is constant…everything moving…everywhere in a rush… (ok, Eric is laughing, b/c for people who live and work in NYC, rochester is such a cow-crossing)

but for some of us the noise of city-living is unsettling, surprising and at-times overwhelmingly frightening…there seems to be soooo much…too much… crowded and urgent and impatient city life.

i think, if the rain holds, i will need to go back to oxford tomorrow to lay in the median…perhaps if i lay very still the church will actually make it across the street.

SMILES

Currently listening :
Come Away with Me
By Norah Jones
Release date:
26 February, 2002

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

7:41 PM – i found a catholic church finally!
Current mood:
anxious
Category:
Religion and Philosophy

i found a church…Blessed Sacrament Church somewhere near oxford…it shouldnt be too bad of a walk since i made it all the way to that lutheran church today with only 4 breaks. i hope they are open tomorrow… i need to light a candle for Z___…

not really certain of the arrangements or the procedure, but i know 1st hand that hospitals are no fun…and despite how he minimized the surgery for his son, i know at some level A____ worries or else he wouldnt be going all the way down there for this… (well that’s not true…that is one of the sweetest things about A____, when most dads abandon or do the minimum for the kids after the divorce, he has always made his commitment to his kids clear…one of the many reasons i fell in love with him) 
i need to light a candle for both of them i think…extra thoughts and prayers, even from someone like me, never hurt, right?
i need to get up early…get there early…i’m not certain what the protocol is for lighting a candle at that church, but maybe if i talk with the priest and offered to clean the sanctuary or do some other work…something…
i just need to light the candles…
i hope i’m presentable enough…i feel like an absolute outsider and idiot here…i doubt they have a secret handshake or anything, but still…this is very very important…i need to light the candles and pray in the church… for them…

if that church isnt open i’ll have to find one that is…i shouldnt have wimped out today…just need to suck it up even if it takes all day… this is important…they are important!!!!

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

10:25 AM – yup…that was me…lol
Current mood: creative
Category: Travel and Places

found a lutheran church at the end of goodman…didn’t actually make the services…but i found a church (and decided that there must be one much closer b/c that is like hiking up mt. everest for me atm.)
BUT…
more importantly i found boxes approx the same size…they, along with this guy’s big screen tv box will be awesome in the role of my new couch!

found a chain lock and duct tape at another of the many lil stores around here…popped both in my backpack, wore the boxes on my head (geez, u try to balance boxes and walk with a cane).

well of course i got several funny stares [SMILES]…that was the best part of the day…no one stopped to help me though [sniff…sniff]…no doubt my extraordinary cuteness was hidden beneath the boxes or else they would have all flocked in my direction (or more likely, i couldn’t hear their offers b/c i was wearing boxes on my head walking down the hotsy-totsy artist-chic’ area of park and goodman.)

actually surprised they didnt have me arrested and banned from their snooty neighborhood…weird box-girl that i am! (just kidding people…)

back in to apt (damn, those stairs are tough) i’m poised to construct the best looking cardboard couch u have ever seen! u wait…it will be awesome!!!

AND you’re laughing at me…but i found this site online that showed people making furniture from cardboard boxes…if they can do it…i most certainly can…

well yeah…of course mine might look different!!!
ok…the table may be a bit ambitious with only a butter knife to work with… but i am certain i can work something out (though it should be noted that even i realize that a butter knife is NOT a replacement for a phillips head screwdriver…shoot! i’m going to have to install my lock tomorrow, b/c i’m just too tired to handle the stairs and the distance again today.)

shhhh…i’m making myself a couch

SMILES!!!!!

Currently listening :
Bob the Builder: The Album
By Various Artists
Release date:
21 May, 2002

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

11:36 PM – a bit of redecorating…
Current mood:
tired

yeah, it’s a vice…but sometimes when confronted with cracking plaster, gross tile and the like…you come to the conclusion that it is far easier to swallow the pride and remove the painful and out-dated from an old myspace than it is to repair things in real life. (wont go anywhere i shouldnt…i am well aware of what lurks there now!)
and, well, yes… even here the remodel is painfully slow… some things i need to hold for a bit longer (they werent all bad were they?)… but like the apt, there are some major holes in need of patching and dirt to cover…things and stuff, right?
cant do it all at once, but here (on myspace) it is a bit more financially feasible. (and it is a kind reminder of where i’ve been and this really wonderful treasure i thought i once possessed)  i am quite accustomed to being alone, but less competent at actually living on my own… especially here… but i have decided to reclaim my identity (at least for a while maybe and not be scared off by a faceless raging few)… but i’ve got to regroup, review and revise…in attempts to relax…accepting my new existence b/c it was the only road i was left with…so we’ll make the best of it (not venturing too far beyond what i know i’m allowed anymore…eh…things and stuff).
after a year and a half of captivity…things do feel odd. the neighborhood (not my choice, believe me… i had to go where i was told) is ironic… more things and stuff… just trust me…for any of you who are still left with the illusion that i was somehow better off where i was… i was not…
i remember a discussion once upon a time about true liberty and 9/11. i’m sure it had to do with airport security or Bush’s policy of taping conversations or something (my memories jumble, sorry). apparently the teacher had posed the exact question to his students right after the tragedy of 9/11 and then years later with us. at first many people felt that safety was well worth giving up independence and freedom. safety is everything right?

wrong. safety comes at a terrible cost sometimes. sometimes safety prevents you from gaining that one thing you truly desire. (ask anyone who’s apt view is blocked by safety bars; the parent who had hoped the bottle of juice was going to help ease their infant’s ear-pain during a 3 hour flight only to have it pulled at the security checkpoint, or the wife who must bury her husband who was killed while policing iraq.)

eh, things and stuff… i lost something so very precious as i was being kept safe. the pain i wish i could as easily change as the color codes on here…the emptiness i wish i could as easily patch as the holes in my studio’s plaster.

i feel disgusting and betrayed and powerless in my own life…i took those feelings out on the hideous tiles and grout in my tiny bathroom. the new place has no furniture (except for a smelly and worn wing chair that had been abandoned by the previous tenant…it needed to go…i cant handle anymore items that have been peed on as if to be marked as territory). there are unexplained shadows and filth that will not disappear no matter how much i scrub it and a kind of scary silent noise…

the landlord is aware of the broken window and the fact that the lock is also broken…he has promised to repair it…someday

but why complain…i am free to paint the place any color i chose…pink? (he would laugh) sage? (nah, that color was special) taupe like a mature person? or perhaps sterile, hospital white? i have paid security plus 1 month…idk how to use radiator heat and it doesnt have a bath tub…but the real deal is idk how long i’ll be allowed to stay here. (what’s the point of accumulating “stuff”…building a relationship with “stuff” if it will only have to be abandoned in the end, right?) i am free to walk out that door and go to church tomorrow (idk where the nearest church is) and i’m free to walk about (when i dont get tired)…i think i will try the other direction on clinton tomorrow…day 2 was good…afterall they hired me at the bar (under certain conditions…but hey, it wasnt one that i recall from his list…so it’s all good)…pay under the table…tips only…i think i can work it enough for milk money… (i need to find wegmans, maybe they’ll give me something in the office…idk…the more i work…the less i’m alone to think)

but i’m free to be indecisive…and scared of the shadows and sirens and being alone. whether it’s safety or freedom…everything comes at a cost (and cleaning products at lil corner stores are like 3x the normal price incase you’re wondering).

ok…so maybe i’m alone…and i’m not completely free…and yeah, i’m not completely safe… and yeah…i slept on a flattened cardboard box last night without anything for covers…(the first time in years)…but i’m sure if i find the right color codes everything will work out fine…right?

eh…things and stuff…all you really need in life are the right color codes and a cute icon, some place to pull free internet, and a few random, but wonderfully anonymous friends (kept at a safe distance) on a myspace to truly survive, right?

smiles

Currently listening :
Let Love In
By The Goo Goo Dolls
Release date:
25 April, 2006

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