it’s always darkest before the dawn

20 08 2008

[15 Aug 2006 | Tuesday]

7:20 AM – abandonment
Current mood:
crushed

abandon    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (-bndn)
tr.v. abandoned, abandoning, abandons

  1. To withdraw one’s support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble.
  2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat: abandoned the ship.
  3. To surrender one’s claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely. See Synonyms at relinquish.
  4. To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing hiker.
  5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.


n.

  1. Unbounded enthusiasm; exuberance.
  2. A complete surrender of inhibitions.

 

[Middle English abandounen, from Old French abandoner, from a bandon : a, at (from Latin ad. See ad-) + bandon, control; see bh-2 in Indo-European Roots.]

abandoner n.
abandonment n.



 

 

Abandonment

1. The act of surrendering a claim to, or interest in, a particular asset.
2. The permitted withdrawal from a forward contract that is made for the purchase of deliverable securities.

3. The act of allowing an option to expire unexercised.

**because this is were i keep all my dark and useless thoughts…too much darkness to ignore, so i write them down to get them away from my head and leave them here…may they and all who formed them rot in hell  (well nearly most of them anyhow)…i have suffered too long under their crushing weight**

 

 

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[04 Aug 2006 | Friday]

1:45 PM – and so there are cycles
Current mood:
relieved
Category:
Romance and Relationships

and so i hear…
poor child this time… sucked into him as i once was…
he baits with his long mane and mysterious melancholy eyes. but the wicked snake he claims is his ex… or friends that he claims are her spies… they pick away at insecurities… b/c this boy LOVES only scars.  he loves seeing them he loves making them.

their words are poison… and this new innocent child (like i once was) will be left helpless and vulnerable.  it is a game to HIM, to THEM… and she, his new unwitting victim of only weeks…she, this poor babe who is just barely legal…she is the new prey he and his demons (no, not just on a bad day) are feasting upon now.

it saddens me to hear of the cycle… saddens me to remember her pain as mine all anew…but it thrills me that HE stays here… this dark place that is closed and contained…the darkest corner locked so he may not escape and do harm against me ever again.

they tell me of his cruelty, but it is no longer inflicted upon me…and soon this young one will be gone and they will set their sites on something new.  look… look closely… the signs are there…watch closely this dark one and his zombie beast (shana who he frequently called a psychotic bitch, but mysteriously left in his top 8). his retreats are momentary…he will strike heartlessly again.

And…to all future vicitms out there… if he claims his friends are pestering him about you so that you feel pressure to take things further than you are normally comfortable with…IT’S A LIE…(i messaged a few of the kinder ones…and they had no clue what i was talking about, and NORMAL ex’s do NOT take it upon themselves to intervene in the lives of those they so openly cheated on and mocked to no end)  and when he says that all the random people checking up on you are at Shana-bitch’s request…IT’S A LIE…and when Shana-bitch start’s messaging you or your friends–at first surgary sweet and then prying and manipulative…RUN FAR AND FAST… forever is not a real promise; his interest in you last only as long as you allow him to dig and scrape away you skin…these creatures DO NOT love.  They cannot love anything but causing pain…

my greatest pride…my most shining moment is that i never actually dated this one and therefore NEVER allowed him to touch me or turn me into an ex (oh he did damage, for which he takes great pride in causing i am sure, but laying claim to me is not it!!!)

my deepest sympathy for your pain…
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Weak and Powerless/Blue
By A Perfect Circle
Release date:
02 December, 2003

1 Comments2 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[19 Feb 2006 | Sunday]

 
~me, (missy/melissa)

 

Currently listening :
Bargainville
By Moxy Früvous
Release date:
08 February, 1994

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[17 Feb 2006 | Friday]

4:41 PM – no such thing as accidental coincidences
Current mood:
cold
Category:
Life

i guess things run their course
others knew this (i’ve heard them tell)
they’ve seen all before
but i was certain i allowed my dreams to be
woven from much stronger stuff
foolish faith for the faithless
possibilities
hope
but time passes
without sun or water all things
wilt
die
(i can only plea to please…)
begging one more day…one more word
(but pleas cannot penetrate stone)
and even the believers
must admit defeat
for some patterns
are not accidental coincidences
want cant sustain something
that ceases to be
true
its silence is deafening
desire will not aid its
suffocated breathing
and no matter the reason
in the end the words
the dream
become too costly
to maintain

all that remains is regret or guilt?
for it was i alone that forced
the ill-conceived fantasy
and i alone
in muzzled wimpers…
mourn its passing

 

 

 

Currently listening :
Here Is Gone
By Goo Goo Dolls
Release date:
19 April, 2002

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[16 Feb 2006 | Thursday]

5:10 PM – mistakes and messes
Current mood:
sad
Category:
Life

when i was in jr. high i was given a calligraphy project. that night as i babysat my lil bro and sis i layed my project on the floor, putting the paper on top of a magazine incase the indian ink seeped through. the phone rang and i had not noticed the ink was balanced bad (half on the magazine and half off) so when i got up the whole bottle knocked over spilling on mother’s new whitish carpet. ignoring the phone i blotted the ink spill with paper towels, but as i blotted the dark color seeped further. i ran to the cupboard for cleaning products with “super cleansing action,” but no matter what i did, instead of the stain disappearing, it grew, and became more hideous; the whitish carpet was now charcoal…one very large, damp and matted down splotch of charcoal (in the middle) on an otherwise velvety-white sea of carpet.

there are similarities between now and then…i am so sorry
 

 

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[13 Feb 2006 | Monday]

1:16 PM – passing out valentines
Current mood:
loved
Category:
Life

valentine’s day is tomorrow and as i lay here doing nothing i cant help but remember what that day used to mean..

maybe its just me…but i remember the night before valentines day staying up late to sign my name to the back of my store-bought cards (rainbow brite, she-ra, teenage mutant ninja turtles, lil mermaid, snoopy or whatever…)  most of the cards had pretty simple messages; all gender-neutral.  you could address the cards to anyone…well all the cards except two (the teacher card and the sweetheart card) you had to segregate that sweetheart card and there was always at least one of those cards in each batch with a more intense message…(well relatively more intense) and you needed to be careful not to distribute that card to just anyone or else you would become the scandal of the 5th grade.
i always sorted my cards carefully…giving the boys boy characters and girls girl characters.  i always used my best handwriting on the teacher card, but i never, ever used the sweetheart card.  i would always push it back inside the box or “accidentally” rip it so i didn’t have to give it out.  maybe i was too embarrassed to use it with my mother scrutinizing my every step.  i know i was painfully shy throughout school so maybe i just never found anyone i really wanted to give that card too. (and wow, i remember the fear of opening my valentines one by one…hoping that there wouldn’t be a sweetheart card among them for me)

years later, i still pass out valentines…it’s a nice excuse to let people know that you’re thinking of them or you appreciate them.  (i kinda enjoy the process.)  but until this year…(every year until now…this moment) i still had no one to share that sweetheart card with (and i was fine with that!)

well i was fine with that until i realized what i had been missing and how much i wished i had met him and given him the card long ago…

(thank you for your love myka!  i will try to return it soon!!  happy valentine’s day sweetheart!)

 

~melissa

 

 
 

 

1 Comments2 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[11 Feb 2006 | Saturday]

12:56 AM – the greatest thing you’ll ever learn…
Current mood:
loved
Category:
Romance and Relationships

the body is broken and uncooperative…i am sooo very far from where i physically want to be…stuck…scared…and often awaking in the unknown beeping and buzzing and machines that breath in and out as if they are alive…i hate the never knowing what will physically fall apart next or who they will send in to poke, survey, examine and prod at my remains (really, i think they should stop looking for stuff and they may be a lot happier) 
this hospital offers no privacy and is most definately NOT a 5-star resort…most of the people here are cold and impersonal.
so as i lay here in this blur of bright lights, strange noises and unfamiliar faces…while i lay here feeling helpless and a lil hopeless that i would ever achieve my greatest desire (wondering why i even allowed myself to wish)…as i lay here…hearing, but not seeing voices of friends as they worry and struggle with officials, doctors and policies they cannot change or control (i am soooo sorry dave!) my imagination still takes me to that place and that person i long to touch…(myka worries too, i know…but he i reserve and insulate for me alone…far away from this mess i made…he is waiting for me there)

you are removed from this b/c you are my alternate life.  you are my hopes and my dreams myka…i have watched people like you for so long…watching and not deserving what you represent from a tower far…and then you did this amazing thing…you found me… you nourished me with compassion and a gentleness i had never known…you were persistent and claimed what others did not…
you fell in love with me…you said the words i thought would never come…to me…you said them for me…

the greatest thing is to love and be loved in return… i am the luckiest to have finally have someone who says that i am loved… myka…

he is silent now… but i know he is still there
  

 

1 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[30 Jan 2006 | Monday]

5:44 PM – Look up baby, please look up
Current mood:
scared
Category:
Romance and Relationships

you gave me everything i needed long b4 i asked, but i never had the courage needed to be with someone as wonderful as you.
i regret x-mas eve…i wanted to fall in love with you like you had with me…i regret that that never happened…i wanted something to be there so…and want you still to have everything this world has to offer…you deserve it.  (i will never regret protecting you…i know him and i am grateful for you and i will never regret that decision…i would do anything to make you safe)
everything is so cold and empty…i removed things from the profile b/c they were not anything but paper…i see that now…no amount of wishing or dreaming is ever going to change my life from what it has become…with no sign of you there it all looks so cold and hopeless and lonely…but i am alone, arent i? i am alone with my scary memories and tastes and pains i cannot wash away. i am single and alone and i have never had a bf or a relationship or anything…and no amount of pretending will ever change that…

i dont like how i look in life or on paper…i tried to get it back by putting lil things back…but it also felt so hollow…b/c i am lost …i know it…i lost you today when i didnt have the courage to sit still (not to scream)…i lost it b/c you will see it as me not trying…b/c not being with you shames you in front of your friends and i never wanted to do that…i never wanted you hurt…

the new profile is just as empty feeling as the earlier version without you…b/c in real…i dont have anyone and i was never going to be allowed that dream….i cant have children…i wanted that…i wanted a home and a family…i wanted someone to stay…

it all feels so cold myka…just reflections on a screen…and i have wanted all night for you to look up…but you cant…i wanted to hear your voice…but i cant
bear to think of you anymore…wish i could feel what you want me to


please myka, look up
~melissa

 

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[28 Jan 2006 | Saturday]

10:45 PM – when worlds fall apart…
Current mood:
crushed
Category:
Life

so what kind of person are you when your world falls apart? i used to be the type that never counted on the world and i just bounced from place to place with no real home
it worked…sort of
but now i have even less than what i started with…no home…no job…no family…no face/body to get me through or list of guys to survive off of…no dreams…and most of all, no tomorrows…

so what do you do when you are without hope?  when you know things will not get better no matter the wait or how you look at them (or how you try to distance yourself from them)?

just wondering…

~name’s melissa

(carve it somewhere b/c i think all evidence of me is vanishing now…)


“Written In The Stars”


    ~Aida the Musical
I am here to tell you we can never meet again


Simple really, isnt it, a word or two and then
A lifetime of not knowing where or how or why or when
You think of me, or speak of me, or wonder what befell
The someone you once loved so long ago, so well
Never wonder what Ill feel as living shuffles by
You dont have to ask me and I need not reply
Every moment of my life from now until I die
I will think or dream of you and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand
Is it written in the stars
Are we paying for some crime
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time
Is this Gods experiment
In which we have no say
In which were given paradise
But only for a day
Nothing can be altered, oh, there is nothing to decide
No escape, no change of heart, no any place to hide
You are all Ill ever want but this I am denyin
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts I wish I never learned
What it is to be in love and have that love returned
Is it written in the stars
Are we paying for some crime
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time
Is this Gods experiment
In which we have no say
In which were given paradise
But only for a day

Is it written in the stars
Are we paying for some crime
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time
Is this Gods experiment
In which we have no say
In which were given paradise
But only for a day

 

 

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

4:55 PM – it wasnt “independence” it was loneliness forged by fear
Current mood:
quixotic
Category:
Romance and Relationships

i age tomorrow…did you know that?  it’s not a big deal, i dont have this phobia about age or anything and i am far past the days of getting presents for such a minor occasion (or even wanting them), usually the day passes completely unnoticed by everyone including me…and i’m actually fine with that (yeah…really!)

but this year is different…it happened long before i became stuck in this bed …but being stuck here (as opposed to the old lifestyle of juggling 3 jobs and dancing/clubs any chance i got with whoever…) i have found myself reflecting alot…
maybe it falls in the heading of not missing those things you’ve never had, but wow…23 yrs without a serious relationship…23 yrs without ever loving another soul…b/c who needed the mess, right? i was self-reliant, independent and no one owned me (so i said)…i had a list of guys who were more than willing to head out with me and keep me in fun (and i had nearly everyone, including me, convinced that my marathon was the best lifestyle ever).

i am now finding myself venturing into unfamiliar ground…i just know that there are hazards that i am unaware of out there and one wrong step will most definitely prove to be emotionally fatal…
nearly 23 yrs without love…nearly 23 yrs without emotional intimacy… nearly 23 yrs living in the confines and faux safety of my head…

i have decided that truly falling in love takes alot of courage b/c it risks an exposure that can be most damning and dangerous…you actually need to let down fortified walls of defense to let him into your world…it is scary beyond words…a long dark tunnel to the unknown for me

can there be someone out there for everyone…lighting even my darkest corners?

23 and i remain skeptical…

 

 

 

Currently watching :
The Little Mermaid (Limited Issue)
Release date:
07 December, 1999

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[22 Jan 2006 | Sunday]

5:27 AM – and all i could think was…
Current mood:
touched
Category:
Life

i’m back again…33 hrs in the hospital and i’m back at dave’s…he’s such a nice guy!
things are a bit foggy, confused and sketchy…side effects i guess…actually surprised by how lil i k of whats going on around me…surroundings mystified me at first and who is near me and who is not…but it will soon clear up dave says (i spent the greater part of those 33 hrs oblivious and dancing ever so slow and romantically thank you…i have no memory of the trauma if there truly was any)
and my sweet guys (dave and myka) keep me grounded, focused and happy. cant really want more than having these two in my life…one keeps me healthy the other in promises (thatd be myka if you are confused about who makes me smile these days,which i am not…that’s one thing i am most definitely not confused on! )

i am confused as to where to call home but i guess that is being taken care of for me (~i’ll be waiting by the door bags packed waiting for you to take me home~) home is such a weird but wonderful concept that no one seems to value unless they are without one…

there’s talk of breaking and resetting my arm with a pin in my wrist b/c it isnt healing right.  but guess what?  i made dave brownies…it was an incredible feat full of my amazing level of inventiveness (yep, broken pelvis, ribs, hand and arm…”HOW DID SHE DO IT?!!” you ask?) oh i shall guard that secret dearly (hoping there were no video cameras present to view the ridiculous positions and props… ) phew…you had no idea that simple baked goods could be so challenging i bet!

we will leave the worries to tomorrow b/c i made brownies and dont feel like a useless bed-ridden slug atm…w00t!

dave has taken a week off of work and has rented us a bunch of disney videos.  we will eat brownies (well he will…i cannot) and act like 10 yr olds at a slumber party!  first up…Hunchback of Notre Dame (outcasts and deformed people to keep me company)

btw…my favorite song in the movie is “God Help the Outcasts”…it works for i am feeling a bit like a gypsy atm…
 

(…come dance with me!!)

 

Currently watching :
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Release date:
19 March, 2002

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[16 Jan 2006 | Monday]

11:38 AM – found
Current mood:
hopeful
Category:
Life

emotional wreckage caught in a tide…never nearing a home…nodding and nomadic and plunging below just out of grasp…a mass broken and twisted with jagged design…lashed by stormy waves and ingested by undertow

you sought a treasure…while wading cautiously in a pool of sharks…it is there that you found battered remnants…but with boundless compassion you coaxed it aground…though the surge’s force pleaded to regain its kill…you prevailed shielding your claim
 

 

 

not the trophy you desired I fear, but the one settled for…that you cling to from some distant embered eye…and steeped with great endurance you breathed life in it once more…forged with affection the treasure’s something to behold…its possibilities glitter and glimmer of most precious gold

 

 

 

Currently listening :
The Phantom of the Opera (2004 Movie Soundtrack)
By Andrew Lloyd Webber
Release date:
23 November, 2004

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[13 Jan 2006 | Friday]

2:55 PM – second chance…
Current mood:
melancholy
Category:
Life

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight


            ~sarah mclachlan
i called my parents tonight to ask (no i begged even though i kinda knew the tears and the pleading didnt matter) to come home.  i hurt…i’m hurting…i just wanted to belong somewhere…to matter to someone…to have someplace to hide and someplace to be safe…i want a home to go to
but, although i actually got to speak to my mom for the first time in months…for the first time talking to her since she was informed what happened…she said i couldnt be with them. she reminded me that i was nearly 23 and TX has never been my home.

i have no home…i dreamed of a home and being wanted somewhere…but it just wasnt meant to be…i have no place to go…

i am nothing…less than nothing after what happened…and i’m crammed with emotions that i dont know how to deal with and a few more that are worthless to me b/c i cant ever act on that kind of thing again…he made sure of it…but it was ultimately my fault

and i am so tired…but not the tired you can close your eyes and dream through…

there might be more to be said…but it stopped mattering to anyone anywhere…does anyone see that the pain is unbearable?

why are my screams so muffled?

you spend all your life waiting
for a second chance
for a break that will make it okay
there’s always a reason
to feel not good enough….

 

 

 

Currently listening :
Mirrorball
By Sarah McLachlan
Release date:
15 June, 1999

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

 

[05 Jan 2006 | Thursday]

9:02 AM – A Perfect Circle’s wrapping my mood
Current mood:
confused

not enjoying the moodiness of moods…not enjoying those things i cant seem to control…i so liked traveling through life without the downside of certain emotions…

this song is currently wrapping itself as an anthem around my mood…sometimes it is better to stay on the surface of others rather than to fall in too deep or allow others the opportunity to push you under till you sink to the bottom…some emotions are suffocating

i havent a clue what i should be doing in my afterlife…go completely off the deep end now that they’ve opened it or hide in the shallows and hope no one sees me…

Blue

I didn’t want to know
I just didn’t want to know
Best to keep things in the shallow end
Cause I never quite learned how to swim
I just didn’t want to know
Didn’t want, didn’t want,
Didn’t want, didn’t want
Close my eyes just to look at you
Taken by the seamless vision
I close my eyes,
Ignore the smoke,
Ignore the smoke

Call it aftermath, she’s turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call it aftermath, she’s turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you

Because I don’t want to know
I didn’t want to know
I just didn’t want to know
I just didn’t want

Mistook their nods for an approval
Just ignore the smoke and smile

Call it aftermath, she’s turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call it aftermath, she’s turning blue
Such a perfect color for your eyes
Call it aftermath, she’s turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call it aftermath, she’s turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you

I don’t want to know

 

 

 

Currently listening :
Thirteenth Step
By A Perfect Circle
Release date:
16 September, 2003

0 Comments0 KudosAdd Comment

 

Advertisements

Actions

Information

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: