contradictions in my head…who are you and why should i matter so much?

26 08 2008

facebook is gone… it will be completely removed within hours…

i attempted to do the same with all myspaces. cant remember my code for one to delete… remembered the code for the private one, but looking at it again was like touching your skin…warm, comforting and wonderful. (cant remember the code for the slideshow either…our faces will forever be mingled and smiling and soooo hopeful…)

and then i looked back at THE myspace…where we began…i remember the excitement and newness (and i remember how everyone said that would wear off…that kind of thrill for another person never lasts) nearly three years later, and no, i never did lose my spark for you…the eager anticipation…each word from you still brought me smiles and squeals and endless toe wiggles just as they had when we were new in the adventure of “us.” touching the edges of my soul and awakening every nerve ending with want… you and i are still tangled fingers

smiles and kisses

i tried but i cannot delete them…the myspaces…i dont want to go back and look there anymore hereafter…but i cannot remove the gloriously loving world you created for me…so i imported some of it here…to remember…

 from you i gained my courage to speak and walk again…from you i learned how to dream and how to love. from you i learned what a parent should be…tenderness and gentleness and thoughtfulness and so much more

sadly, with that said, i need to apologize…apologize so deeply for thinking it was you that was attacking me on facebook. you stopped talking and the attacks became even more brutal and widespread…and, even though in my heart i knew you would not, COULD NOT, do that…be that…seeing the name Ozzee associated again and again with what was happening…i came to the wrong conclusion…arranged the imaginable (which, if you had known i would deliberately call him again…face him again…you would have been even more disappointed in me…but at the time…it felt right to be suicidal…i thought you wanted me hurt…impossible to think it now…but at that moment…in that instant…with what was being said…i had been falsely convinced)

i am an easy target. i apologize for that too. they do this…those people who find joy in hurting others…they do this because they know there is no one who would dare or care enough to watch my back. i have people who clean me up after…well sometimes…but i have no one to stand beside me…my fault…i know…

i’m simply not important enough to anyone to actually matter.

and for a moment i forgot…when i accused you of ______________ (though you were probably never aware of the conflict)…i’m sorry for that. i dont know how i could do that…i promised you that i would always believe in you and i failed. for years i have defended you to everyone (even though you may not have cared or were unaware i did such a thing…meh, it sounds like hollow bragging now that i’ve typed it…of course you could have cared less and you would never ask me to do such a thing) and here i failed you when i was really tested.

my head is a mess… i have always needed to write this jumbled mess out…i remember diaries as a child…that later became filled with cut-outs of flowers pasted page-on-page…i always needed to leave a message in a bottle sent out into the world (knowing most people would have the wisdom to ignore it as pointless trash)…but maybe at the same time hoping? someone would stop…someone would care to stay

the doctor said it is a cry for help and that you were the only one (for whatever reason) i was willing to let in enough to read me.

i dont know…i tend to push people away. your brother (in the beginning) was dismissed just as quickly as i dismiss anyone…10 conversations and i’m bored… or wary.

she says i have been grieving for the last year. she said all my actions were normal under quite amplified conditions. she said the people who continually call me are also acting normal…for them…because they have been raised in an atmosphere to expect to push their demands…especially on people who are alone, without support or perceived weaker in some way…wielding power within their own minor lives. (i remember your girl’s pic. she didnt look minor at all to me.)

i am weaker. i have no family. i am weaker. i have no backup plan. i am weaker. the man i love left and i cant make the feelings i have for him disappear as easily as he or anyone else does. i am weaker, because all i can think to do is hide. cower… hide … and pray that you and the boys are safe and happy.

i have glimmers of courage…and then it dissolves when pressed…

so my doctor said i should not give up journaling. she said i need to continue to talk to an imaginary you in my head since you, alone give me strength. you represent all things clean, hopeful and strong. (even though you are not, nor will you ever be again in my life)

she said your actions were quite extraordinary (well, when she finally accepted that i was not embellishing). the way you were patient and kind… pulling back and listening… and giving me things to look at and look forward to. wanting to take on my daughter when your life is already quite full. she said you listened deeply…a skill so few people possess…and that you knew that i feared Lilly turning out just like me…watching, hoping and waiting for a father who rarely came. she said in that you filled (possibly from that first night on AIM, that one thing i longed for the most…a man who put his child first) she said that and so many other truthful and wonderful things about you…about how you gave me something that even the most well-trained professionals fail at… a dream. something to reach for…hope

everyone needs something to hold on to.

you let me know it was ok. you let me know when you were proud of me.

i am a mess. she said i have been sick. not like dr. blah, but the same diagnosis…and that most people wouldnt have survived it all…


and so i write…

i shouldnt matter to those people who know you and chase me around like the village monster. i am nothing to you… i pose no threat to their world… i never have.

i am so very small and insignificant…the world has passed me by and all i can hope for now is to give Lilly a life better than this (though i dont know how when i am so quite literally damaged.) but perhaps i will give her something to be proud of in my work…the jobs occupy many hours, but it is clean and safe and allows me to be with Lilly so she does not have to rely on a world of unknowns and predators

(and you said you were proud of me…i’m certain that sense of pride has evaporated from your mind…but you said it more than once and that feeling i keep)

so i need to keep you inside my head and here. i will not bother you. thinking only of you here and in my head.

i will not look. i will keep to myself and stay inside my world and far and away from yours (but my love for who you are and all you have done for me will never go away)

i cannot go to Italy. it was the 2nd precious thing you gave me and i cannot go there ever without you.

she says i need to write it down and then look at the words…just here. til i am whole. (if that can ever happen.) just here.

lonely words on a page that are suppose to mend my soul.



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