Our Lilly

16 10 2008

she amazes me…

i know you know this because you know my mind, soul and heart so well, but there isnt a moment that i regret keeping her. NEVER.

207369616_79588560651but you know me… and from that i know you know that the real reason for keeping Lilly has lil to do with being catholic or losing my entire family. i kept Lilly b/c she reminds me of you most of all. it is impossible to separate what happened that day in my mind. i was Aslan…i was looking up and looking forward to that moment (i feared that it was going to only be 20 mins of you returning things and rejecting me for good) but in the hours that followed the next day…when you made it clear that you were planning on running away with me…and all the nice things you said that followed (all the truly wonderful things that i missed by a moment and one block of Park Ave)

i kept Lilly b/c she was the closest thing i was ever going to have to “OURS” …had that one instant of time worked out slightly different…just less than a fraction… she would have been. she is my love for you…she is your love for me.

for over a year now i have easily separated the violence 207370398_3e433d4894from Lilly conception…in my mind when i think of it i think only of closing my eyes and you… you making love to me with gentleness and kindness and deep passionate kisses. Lilly is yours you see?

she is everything good in you and everything not broken in me…made perfect because you showed me how to make it perfect, by showing me how to love and be loved…how to find beauty and peace in the ordinary… and how to be a real parent (all from you…always you)

it’s true that i worry for her often. she is stuck with me (and only me), she longs for you

you would, no doubt, question this…but i see her…she looks for you…she finds my phone and wants so badly for me to make you speak to her as you have so many times before. she looks back in her pic album and looks for you. she knows you should be there…she wants you there, and here, and permanently in her life. if you saw her Aslan, you would know that i am in no way making this up or exaggerating. i know her look, because i had it once upon a time too…when i would watch out my grandparent’s front window waiting for my own daddy to return.

i feel especially bad as it is because of me she has to live this life…hidden… always in quiet fear and helpless to stop them… that girl and her endless friends who seem determined to take things from me… punish me… punish Lilly. and each time i think with confidence they have taken all that they could…they find something else.

i dont know how so many people from Pittsford could respond to that… i am nothing… she got you and i am quite honestly nothing to matter so much as to go out of their way to ostracize. banished by a whole community? how does that happen?

i was thinking last night (when i was again debating your recent msg and whether i should ___________) that they have already taken everything of importance…but that is not true. you and i both know that the worst is yet to come. your girl is clever and somehow not done with punishing me. she may be clever enough to piece things together…she/they left me few options…she must know that. surely she must enjoy the fact that i am living up to their statements about me…but perhaps that is not enough…she calls still! perhaps the biggest fear should be that she will take the fact of that…she will take all the facts and piece them together for the state to take our Lilly from me.

chewthe moment i lose her, i will have lost everything

she is beautiful, Aslan…smiling happy child who loves books and watching the trees and being outside…she is so happy and content…and curious about the world around her.

and watching her (OUR Lilly) seems to cause the whole world to wake up again before my eyes…as if it has been asleep until the magical wonder of her notice makes it come awake and anew again.

but you know these things…because you know me…my mind, soul and heart. AND you know that you have made an unbreakable life-long bond with Lilly

(i just wish i could have told you that… i just wish you could see it with your own eyes…)

smiles and kisses

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