fall back

31 10 2008

it was one of those breathtaking fall afternoons…bright blue, cloudless sky peeking above a crayon box of trees that line the road…i especially love the small vivid red tree at the corner of Culver and East.

steady waves of a breeze were causing the drier leaves to swirl and dance just above the walk…

further down the road they were fixing the broken traffic signals…at Cantebury (?), just before the bridge…we did not venture that far, but Lilly and i could see the darkened, lifeless lights swaying to and fro.

the sky …something about the sky… the shadows… it made the last bits of fall color POP.

an errand took us past Winton and then near East we hopped on 490 heading eastward. i stopped for the man with the sign…dingy, dust-covered man with a pocky wind-burned face holding a sign that read “homeless Vietnam Vet….” i scraped three twenties out of my wallet and asked him what his line of work was…

“anything that brings a paycheck,” was his mumbled reply.

he thanked me but did not make eye contact (i know this feeling). he said he sleeps in the parking garage near the Little. everyone needs an address. i will talk to Mike and Phil about him and see if we could offer him something…winter is coming…being homeless in winter is very hard. i felt very foolish and selfish leaving him behind as i drove away. $60 isnt so much…i didnt really need what i intended to use that money for…i suppose, when compared to his needs, i am frivolous

 

this weekend we set back our clocks…

do you ever let the world beat you up so much that you wish to turn back the clock and fix time…fix your life by changing events?

it may just be me…i suppose you are all pretty satisfied with who you are and how your life has run…me? i see all my faults and flaws…wanting to change them moment by moment.

i considered it a lot after work last night…dragging myself and a semi-sleeping Lilly back into the house at 2:30 AM…i lay awake thinking about all the coulda-woulda-shoulda…that maybe i’d do differently if given the chance

if i could only go back there… turn back the clocks

where would i begin?

every change i came up with had an enormous ripple.

and i finally concluded that there was little i could change…no, i would not change my decision to have Lilly. no, i would not change my determination to let him be happy with who he chose.

i could never change his freewill to always want someone who was not me.

sounds empty and hopeless, huh? (but it’s not) i suppose even if i had the power to control my fate, i would not have…for the bitter pain and loneliness brought me great rewards…afterall, i got to know him. for a brief moment in my life, i got to share his dreams and hear his voice and talk endlessly about everything and nothing with the sweetest man in the world. and i have her…Lilly who is napping peacefully in my lap…my left hand petting her silky-soft wild curls and the smoothness of her cheek…the thumb has fallen from her mouth and she is breathing in an even rhythm which is broken now and again with a sudden startle followed by a rub of her tiny fist against her nose, and a slight twitch as her sweet slumbering face brightens into a smirk.

how is it that there are times when she sometimes reminds me of you most of all?

 

we’re setting back the clocks this weekend… but i’m wishing, hoping, dreaming forward

smiles and kisses…

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