crawling

2 11 2008

we were sent home…

i have never been sent home from a job in my life…he said i was worthless to him tonight.

Lilly is wide awake…she has on her explorer’s face, revelling in the fact that she is home and without walls or confines of the crib for a night, no doubt.

she pushes herself up on her knees and rocks back…then looks up at me and smiles…a free daring smile.  the quilts make the process slippery…and she often splats back down to her belly…but she doesnt give up, our lil one…in moments she’s back up and she wants me to chase (or at least pretend i’m gonna chase).

i was sent home… (ok…i know i was a bit shakey…it happens… but i was doing fine and we needed the money!)

 

and i know you said secret, but that didnt stop my dumb foolish brain from planning…from thinking…that maybe after your game last week you’d come by…i left the door unlocked for you…

stupid, stupid, worthless, scarred, ugly girl and her foolish dreams… wanting a family…wanting Lilly to have…(grabbing…always grabbing at unraveling threads)

a fool’s dream that you’d come by…because you wanted to…bringing the boys…because you wanted to…and the 5 of us would have a picnic upon the quilts (because i have no furniture…we’d tell the boys it was a picnic on purpose)…and if it were cold, you’d light a fire in the fireplace…we’d let the boys explore the house…pocket doors, hidden cabinets…lil boys love that! you’d relax knowing it was ok to let them run and explore and make themselves at home. always here it is ok…always

AND YES, I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE NOTHING…I HAVE ALWAYS GOT THAT!!!

but i heard your voice…didnt listen to what you said or pay attention to when or how…just heard your voice and i started dreaming…just like you taught me…and i thought from your voice…i made myself believe in things that couldnt be…that never were supposed to be…EVER…REALLY, I’VE UNDERSTOOD THAT FOR YEARS NOW!!!

like how you would come by…and grant me 4 wishes (the greatest of those being forgiveness…forgiving me for being sooooo entirely awful and cruel to you…forgiving me for being neglectful, nagging, and nothing to the most wonderful man ever created!)

except you never called again…the curiosity lost its whatever

and you never called again

and i know why

they sent me home tonight too…unwanted

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