i missed a call?

5 11 2008

normally the phone sits in a pocket in my bag…undisturbed b/c no one calls me (i have given my number to so few people). i had to move it b/c Lilly is addicted…she associates the cell phone with someone who brings her smiles.
i think my life was far easier without the phone. maybe you’d agree if you realized that the mean and hurtful calls out-number the sweet ones 25:1.

he stopped calling…(again)…and she kept looking (and trust me, there is nothing that weighs heavier on the heart than a wanted call or an expected visit that never comes…sadly that is the one true thing she inherited from me)…but she kept looking…she wants me to play her the messages from him…but i cant, b/c over the top of his messages are a series of cruel and threatening messages.

i put the phone in the drawer.

but in a moment of weakness this morning…upon waking from a dream that left me longing… i opened the drawer and saw the call i missed. (we missed, b/c they are really for her i think…smiles). there were many calls missed…but only one that mattered…and there are many new voicemails…but it is doubtful one is from him.

i am not at that point in my day where i can hear what new things that girl and her friends  are going to take from Lilly and i…so i will not listen to them.

(i am outnumbered you see…it is only me and my 9 month old baby against all of them. i think for some people cruelty is an addiction…they must keep at it long after the battle was won b/c it was not the winning that gives them greatest pleasure, it is the suffering of their opponent…even when that opponent never, ever, fought back.)

perhaps i will be braver later…or perhaps i will listen to them during dialysis tomorrow when i am already miserable and in pain.

i missed a phone call. i cant call back, message or text for fear of ruining his happiness. i worry that maybe what he had to say to me wasnt at all what i needed to hear… but i know better than to contact him and get him in trouble.

people that shouldnt have access alway inevitibly have access…things and stuff.

i missed a call…he was thinking of me as i was thinking of him…i’ll take it for what it is…


go here for a lil note —-> http://www.mydrivefm.com/pages/yourworld.html





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