it must have been a dream i had

1 12 2008

i smiled

and laughed…freely laughed over silliness of a simple word

and played

(it was odd too, for Lilly,who normally fights for the object…was quite content hearing who she wanted only briefly and then happy to be in the presence of me and a world of nonsense responses…she seemed most satisfied with the mood and crawled away to snuggle with a now-near-empty photobook…comforted enough by the sounds around her to fall asleep…all being right with her lil world.)

and i was sooooo very happy for almost and hour

(but it vanished again)

i want to get back to that sweet place…it seemed so real for a bit …so real that i felt that strange feeling of confidence starting to build again

(it is gone now…completely)

it is morning and i have awoken with renewed fear (what will she do now?)

it was only a dream that i had…nothing real…no right to ask him to come…to visit… to stay…(dreams dont stay)

oh, but this one i really wanted to hold for then and always

smiles…smirks…tracing the edges…tracing around the edge of his right ear…and whispering…yes…around the edges of his hairline…and down his neck…yes…around his back…and pulling him closer…yes…untucking his shirt… and riding the amazing possibilities…YES!

yes

yes

yes… i wanted to hold that one for a lil while longer (and then forever)

but i did not hear the door…and the dream was broken apart when Bryan walked in “to check on me” (he was not part of the dream…)

i wish to go back to the land of “Yes!” (it is unsafe) but oh, for a moment i forgot everything (lists, orderly lines, worries and stupid promises and fears disappear in its company)

smiles and kisses

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