he is

22 12 2008

he is eternally optimistic, my Aslan…he says he had moods, but i have never seen them. each day, for nearly a week, he has greeted me with “i love you.” i am back to being “babe” and tink and “his” Melissa…and everything else perfect and delightful that this world has to offer. (me, you hear that people, ME!)

he laughs and smiles over the simple (that i make far too complicated) and the silly (that i take far too seriously). he laughs…and that laughter is infectious…as are his smiles and soft, deep incredible voice. simple sweet honest words that make my heart soften, my breathing easier and my toes curl (and my head so light that it wants to drift away on an open dream)

he sends me pics of the sun setting over a parking lot and video of his knee and a table of beer glasses (lol) and many messages…he calls me when no one else on the earth is awake (2 -3 times)…but still i panic when i fire off a message and it takes him longer than 5 mins to respond. AND I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO!!!

i have not heard his voice in days…when i do, i act like a nervous idiot; always looking about the dark corners of the landscape for the doom or expecting his dash for an exit. the time is ripe you see…over ten days and their calls come in…they wouldnt care if i changed phones and numbers…they have found ways of reaching me when i do not respond to their threats on my cell (i was stronger at the beginning of last week… i laughed the malicious in-my-face-calls and messages off… i wish i were back there right now.)

he is optimisitc…he lays possibilities and wishes at my feet.

i began erasing the vast number of cruel messages and voicemails that accumulated on my phone over the weekend in Dr. Bennett’s office today. she watched as i opened message after message from unknown numbers. (they tell me he is not being truthful with me. that he is using me only and has no real interest in being in Lilly or my life. they tell me he lies about where he is and who he is with…the last part isnt true though, b/c i dont ask…i dont ask so he doesnt have to feel as if he needs to protect me.) i am supposed to remember that they are messages from human people…they are hurt feelings manifested… i am supposed to remember those people have no more power than i do. i am supposed to remember that i need to heal first and worry about this part later.

i struggle to hold what i have left, but i am told to remember that no one  really has power over my life unless i give them that power (ok…i’ll play let’s pretend too if it gets her to change the subject, but i’ve got an empty dessert cooler and a clear calendar that say otherwise. oh and by the way…i chose a long time ago for Aslan to have power over my life…i told him long ago he was driving b/c i notoriously screw things up…but sure, yeah, we’ll pretend otherwise.)

i will erase the remaining ones later. i have been told that he is on his way out of town, you see…so i will miss his voice again… i will miss his voice and his strength and how much he fills me every moment he is near. (but i hate interfering with his fun…he is optimistic you see…and i would not change that or anything else about him for the world!)

it is Christmas and i have no clue what to get him…he deserves so much but i am at a loss… either not enough money or not enough sophistication to get him the perfect gift…gifts are tokens of feelings, and like my words that fall so entirely short of their mark…anything i purchase would fall horribly short of his expectation or worth. i know i should find that perfect gift…the absolutely right gift for him, that when he opens it he will know once and for all that i am the one…but there is nothing that comes to mind…HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE THAT THOROUGHLY GOOD THAT ALL ELSE SEEMS INCOMPLETE AND PALE IN  COMPARE??!!!

he is wonderful in every way and i will continue loving him for every day. (but keep this secret to yourself…b/c no one else can know about me.)

 

they come to inspect me tomorrow again…yes, i’m feeling weaker by the moment. she tells me he is only human…and where that IS a fact, he is also so much more that i would like to NOT take tiny steps…i would very much NOT like to be cautious this time…i would like to NOT be afraid…

so very afraid of losing Lilly and him and all that is left at every turn.

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