and i love him

1 03 2009

Lilly cries…we have been walking the house for hours… everytime i try to sit there is something about the lack of movement that makes her uncomfortable and so she shrieks again.  her tiny throat is red and i can see the white bumps within…it must be burning her…she has a fever and a goopy looking rash about her neck…and though her head bobs from exhaustion…though both our heads bob from exhaustion we must walk b/c she cries.

i grabbed the wrong phone and called the service. habit b/c the last time she was sick we called on the duct taped phone. habit? exhausted decisions.

exhausted b/c i spent over 13 hrs at work…most of it on my feet and feel myself stumbling…the ache in my joints…my stupid hips and left leg

and moments ago i did the unspeakable…b/c i’m so sore and tired and she cries… i did the unthinkable. i grabbed the correct phone and after calling the service again and being told i could bring Lilly to the office if i called after 8AM….i did the unthinkable and dialed his number hoping he would come save me

he has told me before it is not his job to save me…i know…

i was weak…for a moment i was even less than i normally am…and i was weak and i wanted to have his strong arms to help me…to help us. i am such an awful single parent … he would know exactly what to do… he always does if i just listen… if i just let myself trust him without adding and multiplying the number of times his actions werent…idk…. i need to stop exponentially measuring disappointment and worries… i know… like the letter…no signs…

it is what it is

but i am tired and my back, leg and hips hurts so entirely much… i nearly disturbed his sleep so that he would run and comfort me… no doubt momentarily picturing the whole rescue scenario where he would come and comfort me and magically quiet Lilly…b/c he can?

no… i wanted him for me… to pamper and fuss and hold me. i am exhausted and aching to the point that i cannot feel my left foot touching the floor beneath it…

and what i really wanted was love

 

not any token effort…i wanted his love… b/c it is a precious prize…wrapped aroung me

 

though he does not… i know

 

and here leaning against the counter in my kitchen…bouncing a crying baby on my hip

alone

oh God i do feel so alone and unworthy

 

i love him… and i was nearly selfish enough in my wants and needs to

 

but that is not who we are… that is not who i am…i am confused… he would not have come over…and i possess less than what i once had… three years ago this week

but i truly do love him

8 AM is 2 hrs and 39 mins away…until then (and for a long time after) it is just Lilly and i

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