how do you stay strong?

15 06 2009

(wrong turn and we are at Country Cup Diner in Hillsdale, MD after making wrong turn..again) i hit rush hour i asked the waitress and received a laugh and a, “honey, anytime between 4AM and 10PM is rush hour.”

looking at maps wondering if maybe i should just drive through…sure stop and go, but you may not understand…5-6 lanes of traffic wanting to be in your spot…NOW! (and without peripheral vision they are just suddenly and unexpectedly there and upon you!!!)

things keep going blurry-black…

everyone wants a spot…a place to be and belong. i get that. some people will hold that spot at all costs. i have tried that very unsuccessfully…i always seem to fall short of the requirements. (i tried so hard…thought  i’d risk it all…and? he was so disgusted and disappointed by what he saw…he couldnt look at me…couldnt wait to leave)

he had always blamed “keep away Melissa…” think about it. over three years (except we both know it’s not really…not contiguously…someone got several months off breaks for good behavior. and me? i go at things full speed and then apparently stop short of goal.)

stay strong.

everything he says makes sense in my heart (because i want it to be true). everything she/they/whoever (does it matter?) says makes sense in my head when set against what is seen.

stay strong.

how? my heart is breaking once again…how many times can it crumble like this. i grab Lilly hastily and run to the dingy bathroom to be sick. attractive huh Lilly, mommy leaning over a dirty diner toilet a tear-streaked mess. the waitress returns to out table afterwards with crackers and gingerale. “here sweetie, when are you due.” which brings on another uncontrollable wave of tears. it’s not me that’s due this time…i dont tell her, just thank her for her kindness. it’s not me that is pregnant with his child. did it matter when i was pregnant?

stay strong

this is it? the torture i will impale upon him everyday for the rest of forever? moodiness and worry because i dont know when the next nasty message will come or which of my sweetest beliefs it will destroy. this is what i will put him through? every silence, every lateness, every login on a computer or incoming call and i will think the worst?? why would anyone do that to him!!! he is wonderful, not because i need him to be wonderful dr. bennett…he is just wonderful. no matter how many times he has left. he told me not to think. requested that i not think…could it be that he knew the agony of not knowing? whose bed? should it matter (i told him it didnt… i told him that i could be…at the time it was the truth…the truth for the luxury of talking to him…i need it to be the truth…need to stay strong regardless of what is.)

stay strong

looking at plate of cold untouched scrambled eggs…which came first… chicken or the egg? which came first, baby? am i the one or the rebound? was i the backup or the primary? flips from child trantrums she calls it. but she assures me they are only temporary. i am temporary. he always stays with her. he says he always comes back to me. it’s open for interpretation and no, i’m not stupid enough to believe that i’m the only one he’s ever said the phrase, “i missed you. i never stopped thinking about you” to. you’d have to have an extraordinary sense of self worth to think otherwise. (i dont have self worth…not a smidge)

stay strong

my insides are jello and i cant catch my breath (and Lilly is so done with that high chair…things are being dumped to the ground everywhere). i make this sound like a rant against him…it’s not. oh God, it’s not! it’s that expressway beltway whatever mirroring life…zoom…fast manuevers with lil regard…angry and impatient (yes, you have all done this a million times, but i am a novice…driving in metropotolitan areas, traveling far from what is known, being told that is where i should go because i’ve become a burden where i am and relationships in general). the world rushes past me with angry fists and scowling faces because i’m taking up space…not any space…their space. will i leave what is only to be kicked what is there too? it does seem to be my pattern (why did he write last night just as i enter this new venture…just as i was accepting the route beyond my control…just as i had accepted the goodbye? just like Erie…but that was me reading into it…one has nothing to do with other…he didnt know i was being offered out of state and i had all but hired the u-haul) shoot back to him…but it’s not about him and i so wish i was so much more impressive…maybe then something would pause and stay and last

stay strong

is it all just impossible. was there a time it was possible but it passed? (man, i’m going to actually have to do a spellcheck on this one) are they right…i’m only fooling myself. people that want to stay STAY. (except i am impossible to stay for, i know…i saw the disappointment in his eyes and fear seeing it there again… but still…doesnt leaving become a comfortable habit? “he will always leave you. he doesnt want you.”

i see where the exit is for the airport…i could park the van in long term buy a ticket for us and the cookie jar and head back up… make an excuse and be back by Wednesday…would he come get me? what if i get there and he… (God…there wasnt a promise in anything stupid girl. no promise…no promise…and when you got yourself all happy and excited and wanting to hear his voice again…what did you face?? what do you ALWAYS face…) i think i missed my turn and their no going back

stay strong

or maybe find a way to camp out at the Country Cup Diner. i cant go back out there. i want him and he knows that and knows i will always…whatever… but then…where am i? i cant go out there again i’m too upset from the intruders like how i was mid-April…except this time it’s Lilly’s life. i cant go out there! i try to close my eyes and refocus, but that’s exactly what happened…it’s happening again.



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