how can i know for sure?

20 06 2009

i ask him to come down, but then he seems to dance about…he says yes, but then i press (and then i feel awkward and insecure for asking…like maybe i’m always asking too much.)

well i am! it is me! he wants smooth and easy and i’m anything BUT. of course when i ask he seems to dance about it…and then i feel self-conscious…

and he is off helping Morgan with a mysterious out-of-the-blue girl trouble.

is that code i should know for Jenna’s here…or Jenna’s called?

i talk with him and it seems…aside from the fact that this seems to be my last chance…i’ve got that…sex with him or else…no…not sex…well not just sex (he is…i shouldnt have asked for that pic…i’ve r gone and frightened myself…hoping once and for all he’ll remember what he hasnt remembere…all piled on top of my fears…can i go backwards on the house? the job…mom…what am i going to do about mom…do i really want to alienate everybody and everything…they all want decisions and quick actions now!)

i asked him to come down…he went off for a smoke. this keeps freezing and it is only early. (maybe he thinks he has to pretend to have the time and money to do this…will he come down? will i be able to focus on work if he does? i really had him all pic taking Lilly to the aquarium… had it all planned out…but he hates that…he hates being forced into doing things and treated like a lapdog/slave…he’s not…just…i have to work…i cant presume that his coming back means i can give up the stress which is work. i dont know… he went off for a smoke.)

what does he eve has chosen like about me? will it be enough? will he come down?

will he come to TX and watch me commit suicide too?

he says he wants to marry me…only me and raise our daughter

i’ve heard that endlessly (i want that so completely Aslan…just you…just me…just the children and two more like you promised)

does he really want me this time…he said he is sleeping only with his hand (but i am on eggshells too much to ask…and how long ago was it that you were in her bed before you wanted back in mine? such vulgar thoughts…but behind them there are the fears…from the messages.)

i used to not be a vulgar person. i did not swear and acted like fear just washed off me and i kept moving forward

he says he always comes back to me…to us…that he cant forget me…that he loves me. and it’s true…just when i believe him to be gone…when it appears things are hopeless and he is making a life with another girl

he’s back…sometimes it takes weeks…sometimes months…but he’s back…always coming back to me…to us

he said he loves me and wants forever with me. he says he wants to marry me and raise our children.

i had asked him to come down here…perhaps he will not dance about later. we get off task…me always wanting to pleasure him…enjoy the moment of him…what intimacy i have of him.

yeah…it is the confusion which is me…how will i make him understand that…all this recent stuff that has grappling for something solid to hold on to…something or someone that will stay…i dont think he knows the difference between

and what the thought of a penis does…without his voice and HIS touch…his soothing. he thinks i’m rejecting him maybe…i’m not…i wish i was his fantasy (but for real!)…but seeing the largeness of his…the width…would he even understand the flashes…Dec 2005 yes…and others…but March 2008 when they had me chained under the sink next to the dog dishes…chains ripping into my skin that they would whip into me if i didnt set Lilly down and move quickly enough…over to the side room where i could only see Lilly from the door way…i tried never to take my eyes off of her…i tried. penis reminds me of that table that they had fashioned straps on…but they didnt always use the straps…depending on how many where there and what they wanted to do…sometime stretched and strapped down on my back, but usually held down by two guys…one forcing his penis inside my mouth…battering against my mouth and pulling my hair to keep my face up still and mouth open… while the  others worked on below…sometimes trying the challenge of fitting a penis in every spot…but mainly pulling my legs and ass cheeks apart and taking turns ramming into me until i bled…rubbing filthy hands all over me roughly…pounding the clit with their forceful touches…then hitting me over and over again with the chain or cord…tightening the chain around my neck and threatening to do thing to Lilly unless i said i wanted more…ripping, tearing, beating. taunting, burning and just as i felt the two cum and thought it was done for a bit…three more would step in.

Aslan…i dont look at penis…but yours is larger and i’ve got scary things in my head that pop forward out of no where. i know you know the words that i was raped (repeatedly)…you must know by now how much i love and want intimacy with you…ONLY YOU…i just dont know what i  CAN do…someone has been giving you exotic tastes…and i’m just the girl who is trying so desperately to please the man she loves without bringing back a whole bunch of horrible experiences. i think you know the words…but i think they are dismissed because they are only words. i try to tell you this. i know what/who i want…i know what i WANT to do…i dont know what i CAN do and seeing your _____ seeing the pics along with the urgency/last chance feel of all this. i cant help but know i will be a dismal disappointment…i dont want to be…i wanted to be your last girl ever…the one you stay with for life…please

will he really have the patience? does he really want Lilly and i? really? can someone tell me what sign to watch for. it was only a week ago that he was engaged and expecting…that he had a life (and no, i’m not dumb enough to believe that what he has said, he hasnt also said to her…i wish i was dumb enough to overlook that…it would make my life so much easier)

do you really want Lilly and i? or was i (am i) just the backup plan to fight boredom (get money?) until she forgives you? do you really want Lilly and i?

because if you came back and meant to…meant to ONLY love me… you came back at the exact time i needed you most again. i am lost and scared Aslan…i am so very frightened of seeing her disapproval when i walk in that courtroom…they say her lawyer is going to tear me apart, Aslan…you came back when i needed you most…saying all the right things and being nice

on a time schedule

with an ultimatum

(i freeze at ultimatums…did i ever tell you that? i freeze at ultimatums and if you try to make me act through jealousy…you know…suggest i do something or else you’ve got another girl who will…i give up…because…incase you never notice…i dont tend to win at much…not terribly lucky)

 

do you really want us…Lilly AND me? would you really be a father to her if i am not around someday? do you really want us? i cant tell…i get my hopes up so easily

and then…i feel my body like a rag doll being kicked and ripped into and tossed about (it feels just like that night…only worse)

yeah, this is my passive way of telling Aslan all the things i cant when he’s around…the i love yous come easily…the most comfortable thing i have ever done in the world is admit that i am and will always be in love with this amazing man. but so much that i want to say is hidden (above and in other conversations). not a riddle Aslan…i love you, but you make me tremble and giddy and nervous and self-conscious and confused and  tongue-tied (oh, but there are better things i’d like to be doing with my tongue and you!)

will you really come down here? can i ask that of you? do you really want us…not bored? not lonely? you want Lilly and me?

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