My Dearest ___,

7 07 2009

what am i doing? what am i doing here? do you remember me telling you that i wanted to travel? have a passport and wanted to see the world?

my mind is a mess…confused and missing… its been a month since Canal Days and far longer maybe…idk since …

i have travelled…Virginia and now Texas. i have dragged Lilly…offered Lilly an assortment of hotel rooms (hospital rooms) and an endless parade of instability.

airplanes are loud…she was seated in her own chair on an airline-supplied booster and then the engines began…oh ____, her eyes were so terrified. in the past month i have caused her to be terrified more and more. everything from being stuck in a hotel room with an unresponsive parent, unchanged and unfed for hours…all by herself with a mommy that wouldnt wake up…crying all by herself for hours…to being placed in a hospital then a type of institutional foster care for days unable to see me…to the airplane…to being rushed at the airport by a camera and a couple journalists.

what have i done? oh God, what have i done?

i dont want to seem ungrateful…i am at Hayley’s parents’ camp…which is on a beautiful lake down here in Texas…though it was well past midnight when we arrived here. they are very formal and extremely polite people…Hayley’s parents…but out of consideration they are staying at the aunt’s cottage which is across the way. her dad messed around with my laptop to ensure i received signal and her mother fussed over whether to put Lilly in her own room or in mine…the refrigerator is stocked…the phone turned off so that the intruders dont call and the security system is on

i have no freaking clue where i am. i have a rental and a canoe out there somewhere they told me and there’s a chinese restaurant in town (though her dad says the mexican place is better)…and i think i was gracious…i hope i was gracious. i had wanted to stay in a hotel and not be a burden at all…but they insisted

and they doted on Lilly…had a pile of presents for her

because my mom stole their only child…my mom…my fault, my fault

oh God Aslan…please

i am doubting myself again…myself and nearly four years…idk what is or was real. i write you now…like those conversations with you i have in my head

and i try to picture the beach and an old fat dog and music from a beachside bar and holding a warm steady hand

she cried on the plane…cried during the rush of take off when i could not unfasten her and hold her…and there was so much turbulance…huge dips

i had never been on a plane before…i knew to bring a bottle…but i couldnt bring a full bottle because of security…they got us some after take off…but the pressure on her lil ears…and the terrifying noise and angle…and i wasnt able to hold her because we had to be buckled in.

please…

a kind voice…even if it will forever only be in my head. a warm secure shoulder to lean into

they left me here by myself because they thought i’d want privacy. they left me alone in a 6 bedroom cottage overlooking a lake…it is dark, though there are flashes of lightning in the distance that light up the sky…silhouettes of trees…no rain

i tried a bubble bath…after finally settling Lilly down…i tried a bubble bath in their oversized guest tub…the bed is king-sized and i feel lost in it…a great vast desert of comforters (king-sized beds are ridiculously TOO big)

i need you

tomorrow it begins (it actually began today but i have been advised to not attend most of it) tomorrow they will take the jury back to what the townhouse looked like when the police arrived. tomorrow they will show complete strangers my family

can you fix this for me? fix my broken heart…from them…from you…from a lifetime…use your magic and make the nightmares go away again…please?

it is after 4 am

i am alone

i am not home (i have no home anymore)

and once again…i need you…oh God, please… i didnt want to be this girl…does anybody know that?

but i know… i’m alone

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