this is a whole bunch of drivel…nonsense really…

i was told by an expert that i have many “unresolved” issues. i disagree…i have unresolvable issues…

you know…the otherwise meaningless things and stuff, that when spoken, come off as melodramatic or attention seeking (trust me…i’ve wanted no part of either), but i am alone with it. 

actually…i am quite mute and hopeless with the specifics of memories at times…and then there are times where i am delusionally hopeful i suppose

some would say that i travel under a black cloud. some might say it was well-deserved karmic payback. still others would say that my lot in life has been unfortunate.

it is true that i seem to attract people who take pleasure in hurting others…my fault actually…i tend to freeze defenseless (or cower and apologize for any appearances of pride or want)…i trust completely but lose faith (in myself mainly) quite easily…i’m easy to please, but easier to crush…and so i keep my demons to myself mostly…(my friend Christian says that all of us are damaged in some way by life and that it gives us opportunity.)

suffice it to say…there was [once upon a time] the possibility for a life with an incredibly thoughtful and amazing man…there was a chance at a family and wholeness…(the best love story ever created, actually)…there was a dream of a reunion with parents and siblings…and there was an innocent high schooler’s ambition for college and beyond

none of those items exist anymore. they dont even have the potential of someday…i simply wasnt ever chosen for that life.

things and stuff…things and stuff…things and stuff…

i was told to keep a journal to release the unbearable pressure…pfft…did that once upon a time too…

a journal…simple, mindless spews that no one should take notice of …a journal penned by a meaningless invisible person 

in the preface to his work, Adventure of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain gave the following notice:

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.”

i wholeheartedly agree with him!

so, yeah…who am i? i am simply Lilly’s mom and nothing more.

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