Protected: swinging wildly in all directions

13 05 2009

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now i lay me down to sleep…

13 01 2009

baby-yawn Now I lay me down to sleep









get-the-ball1I pray the Lord
my soul to keeplooking-at-u









no-phoneIf I should die
before I wakecuddle-in1



I pray the Lord my soul to take

Lilly’s tree

16 12 2008

this was not exactly the way i had hoped it would be… i imagined him with us, helping us pick it out

do i sound disappointed? idk…resigned or relieved or…idk…i guess there isnt a word b/c although a part of me is very sad that i’ve somehow flushed another dream…he made the process ok by telling me to get her a tree.

i had his permission to do this alone, b/c i think he weighed everything (as he always does…b/c his whole “thinking” process actually yields something…hehe) and as he considered everything, he saw a bigger picture than i did.

Lilly…the kids come first. he got a tree for his kids…separate and having nothing to do at all with us…and then he told me to get one. “get Lilly a tree” is what he told me. and so i did. separate for separate lives…b/c that is what it needs to be. (it was only a silly dream anyhow. he is far more practical and thoughtful)

and we no sooner got the bugger back in the house and propped in a stand in the front window (not gracefully at all) then the dryer broke.

(i have mentioned my knack at grabbing for something wanted and losing something else? pfft…the dryer’s under warranty…i only wish my relationships came with a warranty. lol)

Lilly’s tree is in the front window. we wrapped it with white lights (of the non-blinking variety). it looks clean.

he made it ok. i remembered to breathe and also remembered that it was his idea (which made the whole process easietreer…i dont think he told me to do it out of frustration.)

Mrs. V. took an outside pic of the tree for Lilly and i. the pic looks other-worldly…it is caused by the glare from the window panes against the lights. the pic grows on you. Lilly and i have a Christmas tree.

i was looking for ornaments…thought i’d make one with Lilly’s name and birthdate on it for her first Christmas…but neither store had pink ornaments.

i like pink.

once upon a time i had a tinkerbelle ornament too, i think…like so many things from that time…idk what became of it. Aslan had a Santa for the top of his tree…i wanted a fairy on top of mine.

i didnt find one.

i do feel bad (idk why these things always make me feel like i’ve cheated on him some how)…disappointed and thrilled all at once. we have a tree! it is in the front room safely behind closed doors so Lilly can look but cant get hurt.

there is a squeaky cow, a fish and a stuffed monkey in the creche’…(Lilly decided to help) hehe… and an evergreen wreath on the door…none of it was how i dreamed it would be…but it will do…

they are coming to my house on Wednesday to inspect me. they may wonder why i spent my money and time on things so frivolous as a lit tree, wreath and creche’. i will always seem to have reason to worry… likewise i will always have reason to be insecure about Aslan…but tonight as Lilly drank her final bottle we sat beneath our tree and sang “twinkle twinkle little star” (she has recently picked up the movement of raising and moving her hand to the “up above the world so high…” lyric) we’re ok.

he told me to get her a tree…i choose to believe it was not b/c he’s giving up all hope and is exiting again, but b/c he chose to put Lilly first…b/c he truly does love her.


incase you didnt know…i love them both so very much!


4 AM update:  let’s remember the order very clearly…yes, i received the messages from her/the others and yes, he messaged me moments later saying nearly the same thing. it’s Christmas time…predictably so, people go out. he was going to call me when he got home. he did call me before he went to bed. (see, he kept his word!) he gave me his quiet, sweet voice as the last thing of the night even though i had fallen asleep…

i just couldnt keep my eyes open a moment longer…i sent him a message wishing him good night at some point, but he became interested in a movie. it happens…it was probably a very interesting movie…hehe… people do that too. stating obvious human patterns does nothing…i will remember that. the movie was probably a favorite and he became caught up in the best part knowing he would call me right after. suggesting it wasnt a movie to erode me again will not work today. i am not his invisible fence. he does not need to call me at every step or before he wipes his nose! he is not on a short leash. he thinks of me, he calls me…but he does have a life separate from me and always will!! i know what you are doing…but he did call me last night and left me a sweet message. i have erased all others. i choose to believe him…i choose to believe his words always. his message was there under yours when i awoke at 2. yes, yours scared me for a moment, but he called…just as he said he would. there…always as he said he is. you cannot touch that regardless of what she tells you! he is far more thoughtful and truthful than what you paint and yes, i do love him…stupid as i may be in your eyes…it is not a wasted sentiment!

through Lilly’s eyes

2 12 2008

she has been crawling around since very early Monday looking in doorways and behind things chanting her “me-dah-dah”… in fact she seems to be obsessed with the way the “dah” sounds…has been since Sunday night.

i’ve grown accustomed to her chantings as she tries sounds… mama…baba (which later became baddle or bottle)… each sound seems to be attached to a specific object and it is quite curious watching her develop those connections between object and label.

i had thought, for quite some time now, that “me-dah” meant phone…and though she did bring the phone to me first thing Monday morning with a “me-dah” and big silly-tooth smile and hopeful eyes (i have no one to call, and most especially not at 4:30 in the morning! hehe) when that action produced nothing for her (dumb mommy!) she crawled back to the quilts and dragged her photobook over to me…and once again said “me-dah-dah.”

ok…yeah…i get it…she’s suppose to be learning our language…but i cant help but want to figure out hers…“me-dah” isnt phone? man, that just screws everything up! she grabbed the phone from my lap and placed it inside the photo album

she wants a purse?

and when that produced no results, she began crawling around chanting her “dah-dah-dah” sound. when the moving sound stopped i searched and found her standing beside the front window…just looking out.

i wonder if, through Lilly’s eyes, she feels like a caged animal sometimes…always looking out on the world b/c of the strange fears/things and stuff of her mother.

but she turned…smiled that silly-toothed smile…still standing there…barely able to see out over the ledge (she looks entirely too small to be standing)…she was silent for a moment then turned her left hand over and pulled her fingers in (the universal Lilly “come here” motion) and began her “dah” chant again.

later, when i took her upstairs to dress for the day, i swear i saw her looking under the bed for “dah”

baby charades…great!

sometimes she tries out sounds for a day…then seemingly content with her ability pronounce the new sound, she returns to her old behaviors…

or apparently not…

moments ago while i sat here rereading a proof, she began again…this time grabbing both the cell from my bag and her photobook…both were dropped in my lap and the “me-dah-dahs” began. if you could only see the pleading look on her face (i havent a clue what she needs…i would give it to her…i tried putting the phone in the book again…but that wasnt it)

she took it out…turned and pointed at empty pages in her book…and just when it appeared her eyes were welling up for a good cry of frustration (for having such a stupid mom…”MY GOD, GET IT WOMAN! ME-DAH!!!”) she rolled over to her belly and one-handed crawled back to the quilts with her prizes.

there she sits now…having a phantom conversation on the phone.

she’s not crying…it will do


Lilly’s First Thanksgiving…

28 11 2008

it matters to me…

the Norman Rockwell-like image of Thanksgiving. it matters to me.

i began the day writing a letter to my own mother…and my aunt Sheryl and my cousin Chelsea…and Christian, Dave, Eric,…and Aslan (i will not mail any of them…things and stuff…but i did start my day surrounded by thoughts of Lilly and those other loved ones) i wanted them to know that i was thankful and treasure the moments.

silly and sentimental…i know

Lilly and i showed up to shelter #1 at 7:30 AM. delivered pies and we were put right to work counting place settings, napkins, peeling and whatever else (Lilly supervised and looked cute…two tasks she excels at!)

at 1:40 PM we moved over to shelter #2 (not really a shelter…it was a church-sponsored program, but the recipients there seemed far worse off…you can just tell… eyes cast down…fresh sores and bruises…the kids clinging and nervous) i served for the most part there…and when things weren’t quite so busy, i pulled out a deck of cards and manage to coax a few kids to play a game…(my card game skills are limited to go fish and crazy eights…lol…but even that was eventually shut down by one of the church officials…pfft…me and my corrupt ways!! lol)

the parade of those needing to be fed seemed like it would go on forever…and i felt terrible for those who arrived late and didnt receive the full meal. other than breaks to feed, change and play with Lilly, i worked straight through (IT WAS WONDERFUL TO HAVE SOMETHING USEFUL TO DO and so many people who came were pleased to see Lilly there too)

dishes done, Lilly and i returned home…where upon we found Bryan in the driveway along with his daughter Molly. he anticipated that i wouldnt take the time to feed myself today (the food there wasnt for us to eat and so we didnt) so he made Lilly and i a care package of leftovers and brought me a turkey leg so i could make turkey soup.

Molly and Lilly sat upon the quilts looking at books. Bryan made us a fire and went to work in the kitchen…i must have looked pretty ragged, b/c he insisted that i had time to clean-up and change.

do you know that i dont actually recall the last time i took a bath or shower without Lilly with me? it felt entirely [sinfully] odd…but wonderful at the same time as my leg, back and left arm were aching terribly.

when i returned downstairs Bryan had the entire feast spread upon the table in the back (the one Lilly and i purchased a couple weeks ago from and antique store to go with our booth)…complete with candles. he handed me a mug of tea and…

and it was a very truly kind and memoriable gesture

he even did the dishes, brought me a glass of wine and sat upon the quilts with the girls and i…Molly attempting to teach Lilly songs she learned in preschool…

it was just a nice way to wind down the day.

before leaving Byran checked the fire for us one more time and said he had figured out Christmas decoration plans for the house…

he’s coming back tomorrow to check something on the furnace or something… idk…my brain is full

(and now i need to remember to breathe…b/c Lilly is holding out my phone to me…sry…she doesnt understand that my heart is broken and has been for a very long while now…sry)

Smiles and Giggles

27 11 2008

we’ve been setting up and serving holiday meals. it’s a good way to lose yourself…working and seeing others who need so much and are grateful for so little.

just home…i always immediately put on some music (this place is big, although someone helped me, long ago, with picking out great colors to paint walls that warm it up [SMILES], it is still filled with far too many hidden spots and shadows. Lilly and i need noise and distraction!!)… so we’re late…and way off Lilly’s schedule (pfft…pipe dreams!) and so i dropped her to the floor with her books, fish and cow and headed over to get some rice ready for our dinner. i glanced over and discovered that she’s not on the quilt and so i came around the end of the pennisula (b/c boy can she sprint-crawl and get anywhere in no time!)…i spied Lilly…still in the kitchen…standing, holding herself with one hand against the pillar… bouncing, swaying and [I SWEAR] head banging along with this song.

smiling away in her lil one-baby-show.

i really wish you could have seen her, you would have loved it! you really would love her if you saw her too i think…though i may just be one of THOSE moms …smiles

naturally, i had to stop what i was doing and come over to the computer to look up the name of the song (you know i’m bad with song names and groups) …and then i searched for it on youtube… and now, playing it again in the background…she’s doing it again.

lol (hopefully you’ll picture it in your head when you hear the song below)

it is time for some rice for Lilly and i…then a bath… a bottle and a book. she will get to sleep long before i do tonight. the desserts went so quickly today that i promised to make an additional six.

i do like working at the church dinners and shelters about town…i wonder if it made as much of an impression on Lilly (i hope so)… i would like to think that i am raising her to be modest, grateful and compassionate

but how can i be sure? i offer her so lil…she could have had infinitely more…

i am blessed though…on cloudy days she finds a way to reach inside you and make you smile and giggle.

incase i dont get a chance…Happy Thanksgiving!!

Lilly’s Snowflakes

17 11 2008

it is snowing again in Rochester…our backyard looks like it has been covered with a light dusting of confectioners’ sugar. (just thinking about it makes my nose run)

Lilly crawled her way to the patio door and watched her breath fog the window panes…temporarily confused by the grayish breath-blob blocking her view…she rolled to her belly and moved herself over.

but then it became a game. she leaned in closer…almost licking the glass…and watched as the gray blur grew… then pounded Lilly prints in it…

squealed…wagged her arms and turned expecting praise for her fantastic NEW discovery.

lemme tell you…that was amusing for the first 25 times! (hehe)

then the flakes became larger…a ripe temperature for multiple flakes to stick together and resemble those compound constructions from Chem class. (do you remember those…styrafoam balls with letters stuck together with toothpicks??)

no longer content with watching the snow (she calls it “mo-z”) or fogging the window, her lil hand turned…palm-up… and fingers wiggling back and forth…Lilly wanted to be out in it and indicated in her universal “come here” motion.

several tackle-the-baby-struggle-with-the coat minutes later…we were out in it. she would have nothing to do with her mittens and hat. she wanted to feel the snow. (and wanted to stay out in it longer than i could bear its damp coldness in my blanket.)

it coated her eyelashes and instantly her tongue darted from her mouth to catch and taste the flakes falling from the sky. we walked about the yard and spied our squirrel. i shook a few deposits from the low branches which made her giggle and want to do the same.

rosey cheeked and satisfied…Lilly touched snow today.

i wish you had been here to see her, Aslan

smiles and kisses