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18 04 2009

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now i lay me down to sleep…

13 01 2009
 
 

baby-yawn Now I lay me down to sleep

 

  lil-big-eyes2

 

 

 

 

 

 

get-the-ball1I pray the Lord
my soul to keeplooking-at-u

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no-phoneIf I should die
before I wakecuddle-in1
 

 

 

I pray the Lord my soul to take





Birthdays

10 01 2009

Molly is 5 years old today. Bryan brought her by to pick up her cake. i had been invited to the princess-themed party too (Molly wanted me to be the sleeping beauty princess…lol…sleeping…lol) but i just couldnt do it. i’m really not suitable for human company.

i dont think that will ever change again…

her cake was a great distraction thou2326673147_128d00b644gh. Bryan had brought her over and she and i looked for just the right one from tons of pics. i enjoyed the distraction…and i enjoyed her help putting on the finishing touches. she came over already dressed as Cinderella. Lilly was suppose to go as Jasmine (though Molly said that there were probably going to be a couple Jasmines and no Little Mermaid b/c two of her friends from preschool fought over it…lol)

see? female pettiness starts early! lol

but Molly became bored of cake decorating and wandered off to what is of Lilly’s books/toys…and i guess Bryan felt obligated to cheer me up….idk why…he knows lil of me…he’s been spared my things and stuff (or at least the things and stuff he cannot see). he is not a confidant, nor will he ever be…but i let him talk (b/c it would have been rude not to).

why do birthdays compel people to tell “on the day you were born stories”?

he told me of his wife…their short marriage and how Molly came to be after 15 mos of their being together. he said he should have known from Molly’s birth that his wife wasnt going to stay..how she wanted little to do with Molly after her birth. he said you can always tell good parents from the bad ones b/c good parents find reasons to be with their children and a bad one will find reasons to escape or dump their children on others. he wondered to me what kind of mother doesnt seek and receive custody of her child? (his ex sees Molly only twice a month)

heightened paranoia i guess…was this an analogy? was he subversively criticizing me? does he believe i am a bad mother too? idk

he told me personal stuff i only barely listened to. asked again and again for me to come to Molly’s party. explained how parties and ocassions with friends, when you are a solo guy are awkward b/c the whole night you are constantly reminded of Noah’s Ark…everyone paired off in neat lil packages of two happy adults…plus children.

so many things i should not have heard about my contractor. how he never imagined that Molly would be 4, then 5 and so on without having another child…a sibling…to join her.

that one stung…was it only 2 weeks ago when i thought i was chosen to be the mother of Aslan’s children. “We dont have to stop, but I was thinking two more. With you”…ok…got it…stupid, stupid, stupid memory. why is every aspect of my life marred with …scared with horrible and hurtful memories??? two days after he said that he wanted children with me he supposedly… reportedly…she said he […] (i was not the one he chose afterall) …idk he’s gorgeous and desirable… idk… but he did stop talking (and with good reason!)

around here things change quickly from moment to moment…just karma taunting and punishing me b/c of what i am, i suppose…it is what it is

Lilly will be my only child. there are probably several very good reasons for God designing my life that way….i have fallen in love only once…i love him still (regardless of who she/they tell me he’s been …he is with)…i love him still and always…that has not changed in 3 yrs… it will not change in the future… though i have absolutely nothing of value to offer him…and i will stay far and away from him b/c that is what he wants most…my feelings will never change and he will never be replaced.

meh…birthdays…cakes…guys wanting me for show…saying all the right things out of boredom so i’d put out? (i’m really not that hard to fool i guess) …idk… birthdays make you remember where you have been [and all the wasted time]…i tried to distract myself from it all by the realization that Molly, Lilly and i were all born in January…clusters of birthdays (but then i remember that Aslan’s birthday was flanked by my brother and sister’s birthdays…one on each side)

SEE? I TOLD YOU I WASNT FIT FOR HUMAN COMPANY!!!

on the day you were born stories…

on the day i was born my mom rejected me…she and my dad later left the hospital without me. it took several weeks for my grandparents to gain the rights for me

on the day Lilly was born…it was too soon…they told me she would not make it if she was born before mid-February (and there were no guarantees if she was born in February b/c she was due in April) but there were problems and complications…for days i was bedridden at Emily’s house on Beverly…and after weeks of trying, he was miserable and wanted nothing to do with me (my fault)

two hours before she was born Aslan said goodbye (he didnt know…well he knew the basics…i’m screwed up, not nearly good enough, and awful to be near…that was enough i suppose…) he only heard, but could not know what it is to have your brother’s life terminated by a Texas court…what it was to be conflicted over loyalties between a mother you never really knew and feared……what it was like to want a family, just once in my life and be wanted back by them…a life you wanted to provide your own child…he couldnt understand the constant hounding phone calls, like the one from his friend telling me that i was NOT who he should be with…and that horrible thud he presented to me weeks earlier when he let me know that we would have to wait to introduce Lilly to his parents…a year at least so it wouldn’t look bad…no, it was easier to explain me as a single parent once Lilly was far older. single parents sometimes meet single parents…he needed me to do that for him…he needed me to stay covered, quiet and hidden 

of course i understood…they never even knew i existed. of course i’d be hard to explain…he’d been living with another girl so much of the time, but they couldnt know that while he was with her, he was also with me….only Adam knew. well…Adam and Dan maybe…and Morgan. (but even in their knowing, did they really know?)

but Aslan said goodbye not knowing i was already in pain…had been in pain for over a week and was restricted to bed…less than an half hour later i began hemorrhaging…like i had been in a car wreck. Jon came and took me to the hospital…i remember i didnt want to go…i remember thinking if i went she wouldnt make it… Jon was so angry with my “stupidity over Aslan” but he found me a pic and carried me to the car…and fretted about his carseats beneath my blankets and towels.

shortly after dropping me off Jon told me he’d be leaving too (he doesnt do babies). he checked me in, handed me another pic and told me that it was quite obvious that the only man i was ever going to let […]

Jon told me something and then i was alone…well alone with 2 nurses, 1 tech and 2 or 3 doctors…idk…the pain was blinding and all i remember is the sense of warm liquid…blood everywhere and being told there was no time…too late for a c-section (which i was supposed to have b/c of a pelvic fracture)…stripped and stretched…and for the most part ignored…except for the biting commands of push…barking commands…and beeping monitors

too fast…too soon…all wrong!!!

and then there was silence and all but one raced to the other side of the room.

on the day Lilly was born i wanted to hold her, but she was not crying. i thought she was dead and i wanted to hold her just once…but they wisked her away

and i called after the last one to take his pic and put it with her…he needed to watch over her (i know…what was i thinking! he had said goodbye and wasnt coming back…or so i thought)

on the day Lilly was born i had thought i had killed her…like my brother, sister and father…gone…all my fault. i was told later that she was still alive. they wanted her name for her bracelet…but i was in shock and out-of-it and rotating between crying out of happiness and crying from deep sadness…they told me she weighed 3 lbs (but the papers i was given later said 2.6 lbs)…on the day she was born i was crushed and happy and hopeful and lost

he had left…and in error i told them Sweeney (for a little over 12 hours Lilly wore a bracelet that said Sweeney…it wasnt purposeful…just ditzy, over-emotional head…still he would have been angry if he had known)…they would not let me see her, but they made the necessary corrections to her bracelet, the file and Keri’s pic once i realized what i had done…

she was attached to miles of wires and tubes and her eyes were taped shut, but at the end of her crib was his pic…smiling along with his son…looking down on her and keeping her well

Aslan later called and came to the hospital chapel to pray for her…they had already booted me from the hospital (insurance) before i was actually allowed to touch her

on the day she was born he loved her more than nearly anyone else on this earth (except his son)…he just didnt know it

Lilly turns 1 on the 31st of this month. i will be 26 just two days prior to that. Molly is 5…she is the daughter of my contractor

people need to keep in their appropriate places…never stretching for more than is rightfully theirs…and most importatly, NEVER, letting others close enough to their things and stuff to see the scars that are always spoiling the sweetness.

(everything looks far better from a distance, right? 6 days of “I love you” left…then…)





I Just Love Him!

27 12 2008

it is not meant for you to understand. it is not anything anyone else can comprehend and put in logical terms.

i just love him!

and this…this right here…all of this just hurts

 

(btw: i really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, really hate being tragic!)





he is

22 12 2008

he is eternally optimistic, my Aslan…he says he had moods, but i have never seen them. each day, for nearly a week, he has greeted me with “i love you.” i am back to being “babe” and tink and “his” Melissa…and everything else perfect and delightful that this world has to offer. (me, you hear that people, ME!)

he laughs and smiles over the simple (that i make far too complicated) and the silly (that i take far too seriously). he laughs…and that laughter is infectious…as are his smiles and soft, deep incredible voice. simple sweet honest words that make my heart soften, my breathing easier and my toes curl (and my head so light that it wants to drift away on an open dream)

he sends me pics of the sun setting over a parking lot and video of his knee and a table of beer glasses (lol) and many messages…he calls me when no one else on the earth is awake (2 -3 times)…but still i panic when i fire off a message and it takes him longer than 5 mins to respond. AND I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO!!!

i have not heard his voice in days…when i do, i act like a nervous idiot; always looking about the dark corners of the landscape for the doom or expecting his dash for an exit. the time is ripe you see…over ten days and their calls come in…they wouldnt care if i changed phones and numbers…they have found ways of reaching me when i do not respond to their threats on my cell (i was stronger at the beginning of last week… i laughed the malicious in-my-face-calls and messages off… i wish i were back there right now.)

he is optimisitc…he lays possibilities and wishes at my feet.

i began erasing the vast number of cruel messages and voicemails that accumulated on my phone over the weekend in Dr. Bennett’s office today. she watched as i opened message after message from unknown numbers. (they tell me he is not being truthful with me. that he is using me only and has no real interest in being in Lilly or my life. they tell me he lies about where he is and who he is with…the last part isnt true though, b/c i dont ask…i dont ask so he doesnt have to feel as if he needs to protect me.) i am supposed to remember that they are messages from human people…they are hurt feelings manifested… i am supposed to remember those people have no more power than i do. i am supposed to remember that i need to heal first and worry about this part later.

i struggle to hold what i have left, but i am told to remember that no one  really has power over my life unless i give them that power (ok…i’ll play let’s pretend too if it gets her to change the subject, but i’ve got an empty dessert cooler and a clear calendar that say otherwise. oh and by the way…i chose a long time ago for Aslan to have power over my life…i told him long ago he was driving b/c i notoriously screw things up…but sure, yeah, we’ll pretend otherwise.)

i will erase the remaining ones later. i have been told that he is on his way out of town, you see…so i will miss his voice again… i will miss his voice and his strength and how much he fills me every moment he is near. (but i hate interfering with his fun…he is optimistic you see…and i would not change that or anything else about him for the world!)

it is Christmas and i have no clue what to get him…he deserves so much but i am at a loss… either not enough money or not enough sophistication to get him the perfect gift…gifts are tokens of feelings, and like my words that fall so entirely short of their mark…anything i purchase would fall horribly short of his expectation or worth. i know i should find that perfect gift…the absolutely right gift for him, that when he opens it he will know once and for all that i am the one…but there is nothing that comes to mind…HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE THAT THOROUGHLY GOOD THAT ALL ELSE SEEMS INCOMPLETE AND PALE IN  COMPARE??!!!

he is wonderful in every way and i will continue loving him for every day. (but keep this secret to yourself…b/c no one else can know about me.)

 

they come to inspect me tomorrow again…yes, i’m feeling weaker by the moment. she tells me he is only human…and where that IS a fact, he is also so much more that i would like to NOT take tiny steps…i would very much NOT like to be cautious this time…i would like to NOT be afraid…

so very afraid of losing Lilly and him and all that is left at every turn.





wants, needs and other useless failures

21 12 2008

it was a simple request…not so much a request as a promise…he’d call me when he got home. all i had to do was wait up… I FAILED

 

i do not want to forget a particular memory. i have little evidence that it happened as 17 recent messages (not from him) erased some of my most precious cache. (though i dont think she/they realize that they are able to do that…)

i dont want to forget the night he called…drunk of course…but i would like to think that did not alter the conversation’s sincerity (though they tell me that he will be turning 30 and is acting in desperation, not out of anything deeper…that he will not stay with the likes of me. he will leave me again). i just dont want to forget the words…the wants and needs that spilled one onto the next.

yes, i’m crazy. he said that over and over countless times. i’m crazy…where at first that cut (i have strived so hard to NOT be inherently crazy…you have no idea…pretending i have a past, a life and generally look like anybody else you pass on the street…EPIC FAIL). he realizes i’m crazy? does he fear i am like my mom? (the fear i struggle with every day?)

yes, Dr. Bennett says i’m not bi-polar. my stuff has nothing to do with chemical imbalance. my stuff has to do with surviving. surviving things and stuff. repetitively. for years. at different hands. my stuff has to do with a disproportionate number of memories forged in fear where i am running, hiding, and fruitlessly praying that the brutal things and stuff will stop. that their anger and need to hurt will stop…that the switch that randomly effects their mood will turn off…those people who can appear oh so sugary-sweet and professional, but carry beneath them a second darker identity they unleash on the weak few at whim (just for the sport of it)

my things and stuff is b/c i survived. and i cant put it to words…the mounds and mountains of it all. it frustrates them all that i cannot…b/c if i do…it will all come tumbling out and they will lock me away…not believing…not wanting to hear…so i shut it down and hide it and myself away…in fragmented life and thought (and a great deal of shame for not being better)

like these ellipses… careful, cautious…doing as i’m told and praying no one gets hurt.

but then sweetness happens…yes, he was drunk…but when you can count so few pieces of sweetness in the world…drunk sweetness and being called crazy are not entirely so bad.

yes, he knows i’m crazy. but that night he wanted to marry me and give me his children. two more (though it would be certain they would be boys, for he is quality…hehe) two children with me. with me

(ok, i acknowledge that perhaps it may have been recycled a bit like she/they say he recycles…but i’m willing to entertain the possibility that the intial dream was his…not girl-specific…and he was just waiting for the right girl to come along who wanted to share that dream…a girl who valued having HIS children greater than anyone elses b/c a promise of a lifetime and family made with him is the greatest of all)

and that night…right along with the many sweet things… he counted Lilly among his children. he acknowledge her as his. he will never know how much that meant to me above all else. (as i pointlessly attempt to fix in her life all that was wrong in mine…a want for no one ever to abandon her and perhaps a fulltime daddy…or at least someone acting like he wants the role…lil girls need a daddy more than anything in the world… a strong man to show the way of how to find a love of their own one day… a man to show his lil girl how important she is and what kind of man she should look for for the rest of forever…you know? a lil girl needs a real daddy most of all)

but it was so very much more…that conversation until 2 AM…where he was cooking stew and spaghetti sauce? and then leaving them upon the stove overnight (amid my giggles…i can only imagine what that kitchen looked like that night…lol)…and i dont want to forget a moment of it…the sweetness…HIS sweetness…a sweetness and revelations he spoke about himself …all of it that spins about in my head making everything ok…(even now when it feels as if my emotions are flipping wildly themselves in desperation and uncertainty…oh God, Dr. Bennett says i’m not like HER…this is all b/c i survived…all of this…b/c i survived and nothing else)

though i fear…and though i know i will be left again…b/c who really wants crazy damaged girl?

i had 4 hours of sweetness…i document it here b/c you cant duplicate that kind of sweetness…you cant fabricate it (i have tried to generate it since that night and have FAILED…hopeful conversations that only result in reminding me that i’m messing things up) but, still, i document it here, so that i will remember it always…the sweetness.

it happened…and then he told me he loved me. and moments after our conversation ended…he messaged me that he loved me too (so that i would never forget…the sweetness)

and for that moment…i thought i could be normal and oh sooooo very happy. (maybe living in this neighborhood wouldnt be so bad afterall) he wants to give me his children…two more…fill my belly… fat with his children… SMILES

 

i should have stayed awake for him and oh, so much more…it was truly a small request and maybe there would have been more sweetness waiting there if i had. but i failed again… and now it will take every memory i have to build the nerve to ___________ sweetness is so rare…i need every bit of it…it nourishes my broken soul (ok…i guess you cant know that part of it…no one does…what a struggle it is to look up…or to look up again once i have failed him) i just wanted his sweetness for a bit longer…that’s all…i am petrified of my phone once more…wants, needs and the usual failures…that’s me…yes…but i need to hold tight to the memory of that once upon a time conversation…it will not come again.

meh…i need to be called into work or bake or something…i cannot fix this…i cannot fix me…i need to be productive so i can forget…

all my flaws and short-comings…all my great failures and incompetencies

I JUST NEEDED TO STAY AWAKE UNTIL HE GOT HOME AND DO WHAT HE ASKED! DO WHAT HE WANTED! MAKE MYSELF OF SOME USE TO HIM!!!! HIS SWEETNESS WILL NOT COME AGAIN!!!





wishing

20 12 2008

on nights like these i wish i was there… to rub his sore shoulders and kiss his wind-chapped face.

wishing i was enough to take away the ache and loneliness and bitter cold

to be his companion…his fantasy…a sympathetic ear (if he needed either) or just to wrap him in quiet warmth at the end of an exhausting day.

wishing i was more an offering than i really am (b/c he deserves it and so much more)

smiles and kisses