Aslan’s Mountains

5 05 2009

aslan-at-the-top-of-nys

because that’s who he is…aslan-at-the-top 

he goes away but doesnt forget me

taking me with him where ever he goes

and he has been to some of the most amazing places… do you see those mountain tops…waterfall-may-2009

i am still recovering…my left eye is bad and i cannot make it down the street… but with him i have strength

and from him i see so many things i could never imagine. “don’t worry baby…there is this one place in White ______ where we can drive right up”

snowpacked-trail-may-2009

here in May and there is still snow on the trail (he is patient and explains all)

and he couldnt wait to share what he saw with me… couldnt wait to talk with me.

(to all you doubters that make me feel low and like i do not know…he loves me…got it… he loves me and the baby and he will never leave us…he would never hurt her or i like that…got it… you are wrong…i belong ONLY with him and he wants only me…got it…do you see now???? it is real…it is true…he isn’t using me… and the fact that i cant walk far or may be in a wheelchair when i am very old because of all this now…the fact that i have scars and damage …he loves me…he has really left her and really doesnt want to go back to that other girl…dont you see? he has proven it!!! got it??? he wont abandon me…this proves it…you see??? i am what he wants… he stayed for months…he has been for years…he came back to campfire-by-aslan-may-2009stay just as he promised he would stay and not pressure…because he loves me …do you see? i did not judge wrong…i am not being foolish or naive…he is not using me…he wants a life with Lilly and i and he will not leave! he knows that i cannot be part-time or now-and-again girl. he knows that Lilly needs more than i had…she needs more than occasional weekend daddy. he will never break our hearts!!! do you see? he wants me by his side forever…Aslan Sweeney loves Melissa Eider!!!)

and to make me feel as if i were there beside him…he made me this:

Panorama of mountainss on CleVR.com

 

he loves me…do you see? even though i am banged up and they say scary things about my eye…he loves me!  you are wrong…he intends to stay forever!! he loves me!!! even if my “want” and my “can” may not match for a bit…you are wrong… he is MY Aslan and he is as enduring as those mountains!!

so i do not want to wait for your indefinite timeline of proof Dr. Bennett. i want to bring Aslan home. i will bring Aslan home…to late for the night…but i will bring him home tomorrow after my appt. he loves me…do you see? he will stay with me because he love me above all others (except his son and Lilly)

i know your tired now Aslan…smiles and kisses and sweet dreams…

(and he will come home tomorrow and stay forever! it is NOT too prideful to tell him where. it’s not to vain to ask. it is NOT too expectant to want him and everything else. i am not misjudging or misreading because he chose me…you see? someone CHOSE me!)

 

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miss you

3 05 2009

coming-home

he sent this to me this morning…i opened it after church

(and giggled to myself with a joke only i would find funny…”Moses is coming down from his mountain”…i know…lame!)

i miss the nearness of him.





Protected: Rainbows from Aslan

2 05 2009

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he is

22 12 2008

he is eternally optimistic, my Aslan…he says he had moods, but i have never seen them. each day, for nearly a week, he has greeted me with “i love you.” i am back to being “babe” and tink and “his” Melissa…and everything else perfect and delightful that this world has to offer. (me, you hear that people, ME!)

he laughs and smiles over the simple (that i make far too complicated) and the silly (that i take far too seriously). he laughs…and that laughter is infectious…as are his smiles and soft, deep incredible voice. simple sweet honest words that make my heart soften, my breathing easier and my toes curl (and my head so light that it wants to drift away on an open dream)

he sends me pics of the sun setting over a parking lot and video of his knee and a table of beer glasses (lol) and many messages…he calls me when no one else on the earth is awake (2 -3 times)…but still i panic when i fire off a message and it takes him longer than 5 mins to respond. AND I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO!!!

i have not heard his voice in days…when i do, i act like a nervous idiot; always looking about the dark corners of the landscape for the doom or expecting his dash for an exit. the time is ripe you see…over ten days and their calls come in…they wouldnt care if i changed phones and numbers…they have found ways of reaching me when i do not respond to their threats on my cell (i was stronger at the beginning of last week… i laughed the malicious in-my-face-calls and messages off… i wish i were back there right now.)

he is optimisitc…he lays possibilities and wishes at my feet.

i began erasing the vast number of cruel messages and voicemails that accumulated on my phone over the weekend in Dr. Bennett’s office today. she watched as i opened message after message from unknown numbers. (they tell me he is not being truthful with me. that he is using me only and has no real interest in being in Lilly or my life. they tell me he lies about where he is and who he is with…the last part isnt true though, b/c i dont ask…i dont ask so he doesnt have to feel as if he needs to protect me.) i am supposed to remember that they are messages from human people…they are hurt feelings manifested… i am supposed to remember those people have no more power than i do. i am supposed to remember that i need to heal first and worry about this part later.

i struggle to hold what i have left, but i am told to remember that no one  really has power over my life unless i give them that power (ok…i’ll play let’s pretend too if it gets her to change the subject, but i’ve got an empty dessert cooler and a clear calendar that say otherwise. oh and by the way…i chose a long time ago for Aslan to have power over my life…i told him long ago he was driving b/c i notoriously screw things up…but sure, yeah, we’ll pretend otherwise.)

i will erase the remaining ones later. i have been told that he is on his way out of town, you see…so i will miss his voice again… i will miss his voice and his strength and how much he fills me every moment he is near. (but i hate interfering with his fun…he is optimistic you see…and i would not change that or anything else about him for the world!)

it is Christmas and i have no clue what to get him…he deserves so much but i am at a loss… either not enough money or not enough sophistication to get him the perfect gift…gifts are tokens of feelings, and like my words that fall so entirely short of their mark…anything i purchase would fall horribly short of his expectation or worth. i know i should find that perfect gift…the absolutely right gift for him, that when he opens it he will know once and for all that i am the one…but there is nothing that comes to mind…HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE THAT THOROUGHLY GOOD THAT ALL ELSE SEEMS INCOMPLETE AND PALE IN  COMPARE??!!!

he is wonderful in every way and i will continue loving him for every day. (but keep this secret to yourself…b/c no one else can know about me.)

 

they come to inspect me tomorrow again…yes, i’m feeling weaker by the moment. she tells me he is only human…and where that IS a fact, he is also so much more that i would like to NOT take tiny steps…i would very much NOT like to be cautious this time…i would like to NOT be afraid…

so very afraid of losing Lilly and him and all that is left at every turn.





wants, needs and other useless failures

21 12 2008

it was a simple request…not so much a request as a promise…he’d call me when he got home. all i had to do was wait up… I FAILED

 

i do not want to forget a particular memory. i have little evidence that it happened as 17 recent messages (not from him) erased some of my most precious cache. (though i dont think she/they realize that they are able to do that…)

i dont want to forget the night he called…drunk of course…but i would like to think that did not alter the conversation’s sincerity (though they tell me that he will be turning 30 and is acting in desperation, not out of anything deeper…that he will not stay with the likes of me. he will leave me again). i just dont want to forget the words…the wants and needs that spilled one onto the next.

yes, i’m crazy. he said that over and over countless times. i’m crazy…where at first that cut (i have strived so hard to NOT be inherently crazy…you have no idea…pretending i have a past, a life and generally look like anybody else you pass on the street…EPIC FAIL). he realizes i’m crazy? does he fear i am like my mom? (the fear i struggle with every day?)

yes, Dr. Bennett says i’m not bi-polar. my stuff has nothing to do with chemical imbalance. my stuff has to do with surviving. surviving things and stuff. repetitively. for years. at different hands. my stuff has to do with a disproportionate number of memories forged in fear where i am running, hiding, and fruitlessly praying that the brutal things and stuff will stop. that their anger and need to hurt will stop…that the switch that randomly effects their mood will turn off…those people who can appear oh so sugary-sweet and professional, but carry beneath them a second darker identity they unleash on the weak few at whim (just for the sport of it)

my things and stuff is b/c i survived. and i cant put it to words…the mounds and mountains of it all. it frustrates them all that i cannot…b/c if i do…it will all come tumbling out and they will lock me away…not believing…not wanting to hear…so i shut it down and hide it and myself away…in fragmented life and thought (and a great deal of shame for not being better)

like these ellipses… careful, cautious…doing as i’m told and praying no one gets hurt.

but then sweetness happens…yes, he was drunk…but when you can count so few pieces of sweetness in the world…drunk sweetness and being called crazy are not entirely so bad.

yes, he knows i’m crazy. but that night he wanted to marry me and give me his children. two more (though it would be certain they would be boys, for he is quality…hehe) two children with me. with me

(ok, i acknowledge that perhaps it may have been recycled a bit like she/they say he recycles…but i’m willing to entertain the possibility that the intial dream was his…not girl-specific…and he was just waiting for the right girl to come along who wanted to share that dream…a girl who valued having HIS children greater than anyone elses b/c a promise of a lifetime and family made with him is the greatest of all)

and that night…right along with the many sweet things… he counted Lilly among his children. he acknowledge her as his. he will never know how much that meant to me above all else. (as i pointlessly attempt to fix in her life all that was wrong in mine…a want for no one ever to abandon her and perhaps a fulltime daddy…or at least someone acting like he wants the role…lil girls need a daddy more than anything in the world… a strong man to show the way of how to find a love of their own one day… a man to show his lil girl how important she is and what kind of man she should look for for the rest of forever…you know? a lil girl needs a real daddy most of all)

but it was so very much more…that conversation until 2 AM…where he was cooking stew and spaghetti sauce? and then leaving them upon the stove overnight (amid my giggles…i can only imagine what that kitchen looked like that night…lol)…and i dont want to forget a moment of it…the sweetness…HIS sweetness…a sweetness and revelations he spoke about himself …all of it that spins about in my head making everything ok…(even now when it feels as if my emotions are flipping wildly themselves in desperation and uncertainty…oh God, Dr. Bennett says i’m not like HER…this is all b/c i survived…all of this…b/c i survived and nothing else)

though i fear…and though i know i will be left again…b/c who really wants crazy damaged girl?

i had 4 hours of sweetness…i document it here b/c you cant duplicate that kind of sweetness…you cant fabricate it (i have tried to generate it since that night and have FAILED…hopeful conversations that only result in reminding me that i’m messing things up) but, still, i document it here, so that i will remember it always…the sweetness.

it happened…and then he told me he loved me. and moments after our conversation ended…he messaged me that he loved me too (so that i would never forget…the sweetness)

and for that moment…i thought i could be normal and oh sooooo very happy. (maybe living in this neighborhood wouldnt be so bad afterall) he wants to give me his children…two more…fill my belly… fat with his children… SMILES

 

i should have stayed awake for him and oh, so much more…it was truly a small request and maybe there would have been more sweetness waiting there if i had. but i failed again… and now it will take every memory i have to build the nerve to ___________ sweetness is so rare…i need every bit of it…it nourishes my broken soul (ok…i guess you cant know that part of it…no one does…what a struggle it is to look up…or to look up again once i have failed him) i just wanted his sweetness for a bit longer…that’s all…i am petrified of my phone once more…wants, needs and the usual failures…that’s me…yes…but i need to hold tight to the memory of that once upon a time conversation…it will not come again.

meh…i need to be called into work or bake or something…i cannot fix this…i cannot fix me…i need to be productive so i can forget…

all my flaws and short-comings…all my great failures and incompetencies

I JUST NEEDED TO STAY AWAKE UNTIL HE GOT HOME AND DO WHAT HE ASKED! DO WHAT HE WANTED! MAKE MYSELF OF SOME USE TO HIM!!!! HIS SWEETNESS WILL NOT COME AGAIN!!!





wishing

20 12 2008

on nights like these i wish i was there… to rub his sore shoulders and kiss his wind-chapped face.

wishing i was enough to take away the ache and loneliness and bitter cold

to be his companion…his fantasy…a sympathetic ear (if he needed either) or just to wrap him in quiet warmth at the end of an exhausting day.

wishing i was more an offering than i really am (b/c he deserves it and so much more)

smiles and kisses





Christmas Lights

10 12 2008

i like the solid white lights … a simple glowing wreath and evergreen shrub illuminated in the wintry sky…

the neighbor’s house looks quietly pristine…not baudy-colored or blinking neon…not covered like the Griswald’s house from that movie (though i do marvel at people who do that).

just a silent and glowing wreath and tiny Christmas tree shrub…that looks elegant and special even in the rain

so clean…so pretty…