Aslan’s Mountains

5 05 2009


because that’s who he is…aslan-at-the-top 

he goes away but doesnt forget me

taking me with him where ever he goes

and he has been to some of the most amazing places… do you see those mountain tops…waterfall-may-2009

i am still recovering…my left eye is bad and i cannot make it down the street… but with him i have strength

and from him i see so many things i could never imagine. “don’t worry baby…there is this one place in White ______ where we can drive right up”


here in May and there is still snow on the trail (he is patient and explains all)

and he couldnt wait to share what he saw with me… couldnt wait to talk with me.

(to all you doubters that make me feel low and like i do not know…he loves me…got it… he loves me and the baby and he will never leave us…he would never hurt her or i like that…got it… you are wrong…i belong ONLY with him and he wants only me…got it…do you see now???? it is real…it is true…he isn’t using me… and the fact that i cant walk far or may be in a wheelchair when i am very old because of all this now…the fact that i have scars and damage …he loves me…he has really left her and really doesnt want to go back to that other girl…dont you see? he has proven it!!! got it??? he wont abandon me…this proves it…you see??? i am what he wants… he stayed for months…he has been for years…he came back to campfire-by-aslan-may-2009stay just as he promised he would stay and not pressure…because he loves me …do you see? i did not judge wrong…i am not being foolish or naive…he is not using me…he wants a life with Lilly and i and he will not leave! he knows that i cannot be part-time or now-and-again girl. he knows that Lilly needs more than i had…she needs more than occasional weekend daddy. he will never break our hearts!!! do you see? he wants me by his side forever…Aslan Sweeney loves Melissa Eider!!!)

and to make me feel as if i were there beside him…he made me this:

Panorama of mountainss on


he loves me…do you see? even though i am banged up and they say scary things about my eye…he loves me!  you are wrong…he intends to stay forever!! he loves me!!! even if my “want” and my “can” may not match for a bit…you are wrong… he is MY Aslan and he is as enduring as those mountains!!

so i do not want to wait for your indefinite timeline of proof Dr. Bennett. i want to bring Aslan home. i will bring Aslan home…to late for the night…but i will bring him home tomorrow after my appt. he loves me…do you see? he will stay with me because he love me above all others (except his son and Lilly)

i know your tired now Aslan…smiles and kisses and sweet dreams…

(and he will come home tomorrow and stay forever! it is NOT too prideful to tell him where. it’s not to vain to ask. it is NOT too expectant to want him and everything else. i am not misjudging or misreading because he chose me…you see? someone CHOSE me!)


miss you

3 05 2009


he sent this to me this morning…i opened it after church

(and giggled to myself with a joke only i would find funny…”Moses is coming down from his mountain”…i know…lame!)

i miss the nearness of him.

Protected: Rainbows from Aslan

2 05 2009

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he is

22 12 2008

he is eternally optimistic, my Aslan…he says he had moods, but i have never seen them. each day, for nearly a week, he has greeted me with “i love you.” i am back to being “babe” and tink and “his” Melissa…and everything else perfect and delightful that this world has to offer. (me, you hear that people, ME!)

he laughs and smiles over the simple (that i make far too complicated) and the silly (that i take far too seriously). he laughs…and that laughter is infectious…as are his smiles and soft, deep incredible voice. simple sweet honest words that make my heart soften, my breathing easier and my toes curl (and my head so light that it wants to drift away on an open dream)

he sends me pics of the sun setting over a parking lot and video of his knee and a table of beer glasses (lol) and many messages…he calls me when no one else on the earth is awake (2 -3 times)…but still i panic when i fire off a message and it takes him longer than 5 mins to respond. AND I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO!!!

i have not heard his voice in days…when i do, i act like a nervous idiot; always looking about the dark corners of the landscape for the doom or expecting his dash for an exit. the time is ripe you see…over ten days and their calls come in…they wouldnt care if i changed phones and numbers…they have found ways of reaching me when i do not respond to their threats on my cell (i was stronger at the beginning of last week… i laughed the malicious in-my-face-calls and messages off… i wish i were back there right now.)

he is optimisitc…he lays possibilities and wishes at my feet.

i began erasing the vast number of cruel messages and voicemails that accumulated on my phone over the weekend in Dr. Bennett’s office today. she watched as i opened message after message from unknown numbers. (they tell me he is not being truthful with me. that he is using me only and has no real interest in being in Lilly or my life. they tell me he lies about where he is and who he is with…the last part isnt true though, b/c i dont ask…i dont ask so he doesnt have to feel as if he needs to protect me.) i am supposed to remember that they are messages from human people…they are hurt feelings manifested… i am supposed to remember those people have no more power than i do. i am supposed to remember that i need to heal first and worry about this part later.

i struggle to hold what i have left, but i am told to remember that no one  really has power over my life unless i give them that power (ok…i’ll play let’s pretend too if it gets her to change the subject, but i’ve got an empty dessert cooler and a clear calendar that say otherwise. oh and by the way…i chose a long time ago for Aslan to have power over my life…i told him long ago he was driving b/c i notoriously screw things up…but sure, yeah, we’ll pretend otherwise.)

i will erase the remaining ones later. i have been told that he is on his way out of town, you see…so i will miss his voice again… i will miss his voice and his strength and how much he fills me every moment he is near. (but i hate interfering with his fun…he is optimistic you see…and i would not change that or anything else about him for the world!)

it is Christmas and i have no clue what to get him…he deserves so much but i am at a loss… either not enough money or not enough sophistication to get him the perfect gift…gifts are tokens of feelings, and like my words that fall so entirely short of their mark…anything i purchase would fall horribly short of his expectation or worth. i know i should find that perfect gift…the absolutely right gift for him, that when he opens it he will know once and for all that i am the one…but there is nothing that comes to mind…HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE THAT THOROUGHLY GOOD THAT ALL ELSE SEEMS INCOMPLETE AND PALE IN  COMPARE??!!!

he is wonderful in every way and i will continue loving him for every day. (but keep this secret to yourself…b/c no one else can know about me.)


they come to inspect me tomorrow again…yes, i’m feeling weaker by the moment. she tells me he is only human…and where that IS a fact, he is also so much more that i would like to NOT take tiny steps…i would very much NOT like to be cautious this time…i would like to NOT be afraid…

so very afraid of losing Lilly and him and all that is left at every turn.

wants, needs and other useless failures

21 12 2008

it was a simple request…not so much a request as a promise…he’d call me when he got home. all i had to do was wait up… I FAILED


i do not want to forget a particular memory. i have little evidence that it happened as 17 recent messages (not from him) erased some of my most precious cache. (though i dont think she/they realize that they are able to do that…)

i dont want to forget the night he called…drunk of course…but i would like to think that did not alter the conversation’s sincerity (though they tell me that he will be turning 30 and is acting in desperation, not out of anything deeper…that he will not stay with the likes of me. he will leave me again). i just dont want to forget the words…the wants and needs that spilled one onto the next.

yes, i’m crazy. he said that over and over countless times. i’m crazy…where at first that cut (i have strived so hard to NOT be inherently crazy…you have no idea…pretending i have a past, a life and generally look like anybody else you pass on the street…EPIC FAIL). he realizes i’m crazy? does he fear i am like my mom? (the fear i struggle with every day?)

yes, Dr. Bennett says i’m not bi-polar. my stuff has nothing to do with chemical imbalance. my stuff has to do with surviving. surviving things and stuff. repetitively. for years. at different hands. my stuff has to do with a disproportionate number of memories forged in fear where i am running, hiding, and fruitlessly praying that the brutal things and stuff will stop. that their anger and need to hurt will stop…that the switch that randomly effects their mood will turn off…those people who can appear oh so sugary-sweet and professional, but carry beneath them a second darker identity they unleash on the weak few at whim (just for the sport of it)

my things and stuff is b/c i survived. and i cant put it to words…the mounds and mountains of it all. it frustrates them all that i cannot…b/c if i do…it will all come tumbling out and they will lock me away…not believing…not wanting to hear…so i shut it down and hide it and myself away…in fragmented life and thought (and a great deal of shame for not being better)

like these ellipses… careful, cautious…doing as i’m told and praying no one gets hurt.

but then sweetness happens…yes, he was drunk…but when you can count so few pieces of sweetness in the world…drunk sweetness and being called crazy are not entirely so bad.

yes, he knows i’m crazy. but that night he wanted to marry me and give me his children. two more (though it would be certain they would be boys, for he is quality…hehe) two children with me. with me

(ok, i acknowledge that perhaps it may have been recycled a bit like she/they say he recycles…but i’m willing to entertain the possibility that the intial dream was his…not girl-specific…and he was just waiting for the right girl to come along who wanted to share that dream…a girl who valued having HIS children greater than anyone elses b/c a promise of a lifetime and family made with him is the greatest of all)

and that night…right along with the many sweet things… he counted Lilly among his children. he acknowledge her as his. he will never know how much that meant to me above all else. (as i pointlessly attempt to fix in her life all that was wrong in mine…a want for no one ever to abandon her and perhaps a fulltime daddy…or at least someone acting like he wants the role…lil girls need a daddy more than anything in the world… a strong man to show the way of how to find a love of their own one day… a man to show his lil girl how important she is and what kind of man she should look for for the rest of forever…you know? a lil girl needs a real daddy most of all)

but it was so very much more…that conversation until 2 AM…where he was cooking stew and spaghetti sauce? and then leaving them upon the stove overnight (amid my giggles…i can only imagine what that kitchen looked like that night…lol)…and i dont want to forget a moment of it…the sweetness…HIS sweetness…a sweetness and revelations he spoke about himself …all of it that spins about in my head making everything ok…(even now when it feels as if my emotions are flipping wildly themselves in desperation and uncertainty…oh God, Dr. Bennett says i’m not like HER…this is all b/c i survived…all of this…b/c i survived and nothing else)

though i fear…and though i know i will be left again…b/c who really wants crazy damaged girl?

i had 4 hours of sweetness…i document it here b/c you cant duplicate that kind of sweetness…you cant fabricate it (i have tried to generate it since that night and have FAILED…hopeful conversations that only result in reminding me that i’m messing things up) but, still, i document it here, so that i will remember it always…the sweetness.

it happened…and then he told me he loved me. and moments after our conversation ended…he messaged me that he loved me too (so that i would never forget…the sweetness)

and for that moment…i thought i could be normal and oh sooooo very happy. (maybe living in this neighborhood wouldnt be so bad afterall) he wants to give me his children…two more…fill my belly… fat with his children… SMILES


i should have stayed awake for him and oh, so much more…it was truly a small request and maybe there would have been more sweetness waiting there if i had. but i failed again… and now it will take every memory i have to build the nerve to ___________ sweetness is so rare…i need every bit of it…it nourishes my broken soul (ok…i guess you cant know that part of it…no one does…what a struggle it is to look up…or to look up again once i have failed him) i just wanted his sweetness for a bit longer…that’s all…i am petrified of my phone once more…wants, needs and the usual failures…that’s me…yes…but i need to hold tight to the memory of that once upon a time conversation…it will not come again.

meh…i need to be called into work or bake or something…i cannot fix this…i cannot fix me…i need to be productive so i can forget…

all my flaws and short-comings…all my great failures and incompetencies



20 12 2008

on nights like these i wish i was there… to rub his sore shoulders and kiss his wind-chapped face.

wishing i was enough to take away the ache and loneliness and bitter cold

to be his companion…his fantasy…a sympathetic ear (if he needed either) or just to wrap him in quiet warmth at the end of an exhausting day.

wishing i was more an offering than i really am (b/c he deserves it and so much more)

smiles and kisses

Christmas Lights

10 12 2008

i like the solid white lights … a simple glowing wreath and evergreen shrub illuminated in the wintry sky…

the neighbor’s house looks quietly pristine…not baudy-colored or blinking neon…not covered like the Griswald’s house from that movie (though i do marvel at people who do that).

just a silent and glowing wreath and tiny Christmas tree shrub…that looks elegant and special even in the rain

so clean…so pretty…

through Lilly’s eyes

2 12 2008

she has been crawling around since very early Monday looking in doorways and behind things chanting her “me-dah-dah”… in fact she seems to be obsessed with the way the “dah” sounds…has been since Sunday night.

i’ve grown accustomed to her chantings as she tries sounds… mama…baba (which later became baddle or bottle)… each sound seems to be attached to a specific object and it is quite curious watching her develop those connections between object and label.

i had thought, for quite some time now, that “me-dah” meant phone…and though she did bring the phone to me first thing Monday morning with a “me-dah” and big silly-tooth smile and hopeful eyes (i have no one to call, and most especially not at 4:30 in the morning! hehe) when that action produced nothing for her (dumb mommy!) she crawled back to the quilts and dragged her photobook over to me…and once again said “me-dah-dah.”

ok…yeah…i get it…she’s suppose to be learning our language…but i cant help but want to figure out hers…“me-dah” isnt phone? man, that just screws everything up! she grabbed the phone from my lap and placed it inside the photo album

she wants a purse?

and when that produced no results, she began crawling around chanting her “dah-dah-dah” sound. when the moving sound stopped i searched and found her standing beside the front window…just looking out.

i wonder if, through Lilly’s eyes, she feels like a caged animal sometimes…always looking out on the world b/c of the strange fears/things and stuff of her mother.

but she turned…smiled that silly-toothed smile…still standing there…barely able to see out over the ledge (she looks entirely too small to be standing)…she was silent for a moment then turned her left hand over and pulled her fingers in (the universal Lilly “come here” motion) and began her “dah” chant again.

later, when i took her upstairs to dress for the day, i swear i saw her looking under the bed for “dah”

baby charades…great!

sometimes she tries out sounds for a day…then seemingly content with her ability pronounce the new sound, she returns to her old behaviors…

or apparently not…

moments ago while i sat here rereading a proof, she began again…this time grabbing both the cell from my bag and her photobook…both were dropped in my lap and the “me-dah-dahs” began. if you could only see the pleading look on her face (i havent a clue what she needs…i would give it to her…i tried putting the phone in the book again…but that wasnt it)

she took it out…turned and pointed at empty pages in her book…and just when it appeared her eyes were welling up for a good cry of frustration (for having such a stupid mom…”MY GOD, GET IT WOMAN! ME-DAH!!!”) she rolled over to her belly and one-handed crawled back to the quilts with her prizes.

there she sits now…having a phantom conversation on the phone.

she’s not crying…it will do


it must have been a dream i had

1 12 2008

i smiled

and laughed…freely laughed over silliness of a simple word

and played

(it was odd too, for Lilly,who normally fights for the object…was quite content hearing who she wanted only briefly and then happy to be in the presence of me and a world of nonsense responses…she seemed most satisfied with the mood and crawled away to snuggle with a now-near-empty photobook…comforted enough by the sounds around her to fall asleep…all being right with her lil world.)

and i was sooooo very happy for almost and hour

(but it vanished again)

i want to get back to that sweet place…it seemed so real for a bit …so real that i felt that strange feeling of confidence starting to build again

(it is gone now…completely)

it is morning and i have awoken with renewed fear (what will she do now?)

it was only a dream that i had…nothing real…no right to ask him to come…to visit… to stay…(dreams dont stay)

oh, but this one i really wanted to hold for then and always

smiles…smirks…tracing the edges…tracing around the edge of his right ear…and whispering…yes…around the edges of his hairline…and down his neck…yes…around his back…and pulling him closer…yes…untucking his shirt… and riding the amazing possibilities…YES!



yes… i wanted to hold that one for a lil while longer (and then forever)

but i did not hear the door…and the dream was broken apart when Bryan walked in “to check on me” (he was not part of the dream…)

i wish to go back to the land of “Yes!” (it is unsafe) but oh, for a moment i forgot everything (lists, orderly lines, worries and stupid promises and fears disappear in its company)

smiles and kisses

Smiles and Giggles

27 11 2008

we’ve been setting up and serving holiday meals. it’s a good way to lose yourself…working and seeing others who need so much and are grateful for so little.

just home…i always immediately put on some music (this place is big, although someone helped me, long ago, with picking out great colors to paint walls that warm it up [SMILES], it is still filled with far too many hidden spots and shadows. Lilly and i need noise and distraction!!)… so we’re late…and way off Lilly’s schedule (pfft…pipe dreams!) and so i dropped her to the floor with her books, fish and cow and headed over to get some rice ready for our dinner. i glanced over and discovered that she’s not on the quilt and so i came around the end of the pennisula (b/c boy can she sprint-crawl and get anywhere in no time!)…i spied Lilly…still in the kitchen…standing, holding herself with one hand against the pillar… bouncing, swaying and [I SWEAR] head banging along with this song.

smiling away in her lil one-baby-show.

i really wish you could have seen her, you would have loved it! you really would love her if you saw her too i think…though i may just be one of THOSE moms …smiles

naturally, i had to stop what i was doing and come over to the computer to look up the name of the song (you know i’m bad with song names and groups) …and then i searched for it on youtube… and now, playing it again in the background…she’s doing it again.

lol (hopefully you’ll picture it in your head when you hear the song below)

it is time for some rice for Lilly and i…then a bath… a bottle and a book. she will get to sleep long before i do tonight. the desserts went so quickly today that i promised to make an additional six.

i do like working at the church dinners and shelters about town…i wonder if it made as much of an impression on Lilly (i hope so)… i would like to think that i am raising her to be modest, grateful and compassionate

but how can i be sure? i offer her so lil…she could have had infinitely more…

i am blessed though…on cloudy days she finds a way to reach inside you and make you smile and giggle.

incase i dont get a chance…Happy Thanksgiving!!


24 11 2008

i’ve been lying here a bit…again

that numb tingled state after a much-needed and very overdue 2 hours of contiguous sleep.

the Buffalo Bills won (shhh… of course we know they should have won against KC…but dont say that too loud or the fates will hear and spoil their chances with SF)

sleeping-2i smile b/c Lilly and i desperately needed that sleep…it has been a while…in fact, i was wholly unaware that i was asleep…until, of course, i awoke to Lilly crawling over the top of me and conversing with the dead phone…

she seemed happy…squeals and giggles and “me-dahs”…and the ocassional “muah” b/c kissing sounds are her trademark lately (well, when she’s not been sick).

i will let her play with it a bit longer…it’s dead or the battery has slipped from its duct-taped case. idk… it’s good to see her giggle again… it has been a few days. (and she loves what that phone has come to represent in her tiny lifetime.)

sleeplessness may have directly altered my perception… we are hunkered down in the kitchen behind the pennisula…though the house is a fortress of locks and barricades. my counselor talked me down… there is very lil i can do about certain situations (and there is nothing i will do in other situations…it would end up hurting the one i want to hurt the least!)

i guess it all really doesnt matter…Lilly’s giggling and i have awoken from a couple pleasant memories and one incredible dream…i will lie here and blush a few moments more in the hazy remnants…unfinished, but yeah…

and when i can regain my focus…i will need to make several orderly lists to carry me through what needs to be done in the real world…for the rest of the week.


three for three


2 AM update: mmm… there are times (many, many frequent times) that i wish you never had a gf…i know you do… i’ve come to realize you did from the start and when i found out about her it took all my strength (and then some) to be good …to stay away… (b/c i never wanted you for a night…you, my dearest love, were meant to be savored…rinsed and repeated…every inch kissed and explored and touched…BIG SMILES). and times…like now… i can still so clearly hear your voice in my head… deep, low and seductively sweet. and at this moment…i want to taste and …ooo the things i want to do to you…. i sooo wanna play (!!!!!)

smiles and kisses at 1:15 AM

23 11 2008

it is silent at the moment

no fussing or coughing

no cars or ghostly headlights tracing across the front wall

just me…holding her…warm and sweet and dreaming

hushed hours passing unnoticed by all

except me

and the tiny glowing embered remains of the fire

and the candle flame that dances at the window

always waiting

(and hopeful)

alone in my quiet nightwatch

i can still faintly hear

the most comforting sounds of you

falling asleep

and i smile

2 AM Snowplow

21 11 2008

it’s after 2AM and Lilly and i are walking about the house again. she is uncomfortable and needs to be held…i’m just walking with the weight of the world.

i heard that unmistakably loud rattled sound of a snowplow…not on my street… maybe not even plowing quite yet…a mid-night snow stalker booming down the next street over…

and i think of him

does he still plow? is he pushing snow around in that parking lot again…

he and i…sometimes so much alike…working the odd jobs to fill the spaces. quiet, solo employment…there but unseen

he’d text, b/c he’d know i was awake… a bit of mid-night company…he alone in his cab…me alone at Em’s apt on Beverly… (or later, when they let me bring her home, up to feed the baby)…

he’d text b/c he and i had this amazing connection where i’d suddenly think of him, look at my phone (needing him soooooo!) and there he was


eating the hours in between with the best companion…sweetest thoughts…two lonely souls… endless, tireless convesations and smiles that could warm the world on a cold winter night.


(i heard a plow and thought of you…)

smiles and kisses

lil notes in your pocket…and only you know why

Lilly’s Snowflakes

17 11 2008

it is snowing again in Rochester…our backyard looks like it has been covered with a light dusting of confectioners’ sugar. (just thinking about it makes my nose run)

Lilly crawled her way to the patio door and watched her breath fog the window panes…temporarily confused by the grayish breath-blob blocking her view…she rolled to her belly and moved herself over.

but then it became a game. she leaned in closer…almost licking the glass…and watched as the gray blur grew… then pounded Lilly prints in it…

squealed…wagged her arms and turned expecting praise for her fantastic NEW discovery.

lemme tell you…that was amusing for the first 25 times! (hehe)

then the flakes became larger…a ripe temperature for multiple flakes to stick together and resemble those compound constructions from Chem class. (do you remember those…styrafoam balls with letters stuck together with toothpicks??)

no longer content with watching the snow (she calls it “mo-z”) or fogging the window, her lil hand turned…palm-up… and fingers wiggling back and forth…Lilly wanted to be out in it and indicated in her universal “come here” motion.

several tackle-the-baby-struggle-with-the coat minutes later…we were out in it. she would have nothing to do with her mittens and hat. she wanted to feel the snow. (and wanted to stay out in it longer than i could bear its damp coldness in my blanket.)

it coated her eyelashes and instantly her tongue darted from her mouth to catch and taste the flakes falling from the sky. we walked about the yard and spied our squirrel. i shook a few deposits from the low branches which made her giggle and want to do the same.

rosey cheeked and satisfied…Lilly touched snow today.

i wish you had been here to see her, Aslan

smiles and kisses

Memories from a Bookstore

11 11 2008

the thermometer said 40 degrees…it lies of course, because i remember last march when 40 degrees felt soooo much warmer!

the sky foretold my mood…coarse splotches of sloe (it’s a word…look it up!) clouds…drs. appts and paying bills…i dislike tuesdays (dislike even more the fact that i am reduced to paying bills the day before their stated due date instead of immediately after they arrive in the mail!)

but i also had a meeting with Mike to talk surf and turf ideas for next season to look forward to (Mike makes seafood seem not quite so evil!)

…so with an hour to waste before heading into Pittsford Wegmans, Lilly and i tucked ourselves into Barnes and Noble and headed immediately back to the children’s section where i peeled her out of her excess (coat, hat and mittens…yes, mittens that she chewed to a damp rag!)…man was the children’s section crowded today…so much so that i hesitated placing her on the Doggies (Boynton Board Books (Simon & Schuster))stage beneath the illustrated Winnie the Pooh cut-outs… but Lilly would hear nothing of breaking with that bookstore tradition! grabbing her a blue Sandra Boyton book (they’re cardboard and thus drool-proof) i sat Lilly on the left edge of the stage. idk…it’s her and i alone so much that i didnt think she would know what to do with the herd of other children (was today a holiday?).

but not Lilly…a turn and flop to her belly and then she and her book were up and crawling with purpose to the back section. she bypassed two lil girls (maybe age 6 or 7) and one blonde hair boy sitting forelornly and picking his nose (yes! well done, Lilly!)…and she trekked directly to the lil boy with the short dark brown hair and olive eyes (maybe 4 or 5 at most). once there, she sat to his left and held up her book to him nodding with the most earnest look. the young boy must have siblings, or a wonderful set of parents, because rather than instantly rebuking her, he turned and talked to her, pointing at her book (and eventually turning it upside-right) YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER HUGE SMILE!!!

and i breathed again

ok…maybe it’s just me…but these lil excursions sometimes feel like the ultimate test of my parenting. i remember when my sister Alyssa was lil and placed in a similar scene… she’d always be the child who would tear the toy, book, food, whatever from the other child’s hand or pull hair causing an avalanche of tears and mayhem. yes, she was lil…yes, babies are unpredictable (yes, there were times when Alex would make matters worse by chanting, “you can take her!” when he, himself was only 3) and mortified i’d always be the one to have to apologize and attempt to correct the behavior with the softest most embarrassed “no, no” scoop her up and duck away.

Lilly, i will be writing you a thank you note for this one…

Lilly sat with the dark haired boy for eleven minutes…but then i heard a mother’s voice callout, “Rory” and saw the lil boy stand, pat Lilly on the head and leave…and the smile turned instantly into a big-bottom-lipped pout…her eyes followed first…tearing and then she flopped to her belly once again and i think she was actually attempting to follow him. i searched the store quickly hoping to find the source of the mother’s voice (maybe a name? address? playdate? idk…what would you do??? this is Lilly’s heart!) but then the first of Lilly’s pitiful cries began and i had to wade my way through children to retrieve her. once scooped she curled her head against my chest and popped her thumb in her mouth…coat, hat, mittens and book all dropped.

face it…neither of us understand goodbyes.

i debated whether to leave the store instantly to preserve what was left of her dignity, but as we were walking past the back wall, Lilly spied a picture book with a pug on it entitled “I Once Ate A Pie.”  i carried her over to the other side of the children’s section and we sat down and began reading the book…each page containing a different doggie on it (and yes, she can point to the doggies when asked)

not more than five pages into the book Lilly spotted the stuffed animal…first she pulled down Curious George in pjs and loved him to death…and then she did something i have never seen her do before… with strong lil arms, Lilly pulled herself up and stood next to the stuffed animal rack…wobbley at first, but held tight…reaching for the golden retriever stuffed animals above.

well, yeah, naturally, a cascade of golden retrievers, Curious Georges and a few other assorted stuffed animals came tumbling down on Lilly when she too fell to her butt. undaunted, Lilly turned and headed directly for the Thomas the Tank Engine table and stood again… this time she held fast to the table with one hand and pivoted around its perimeter. she watched and watched as this other lil girl moved the trains about the track and squealed and giggled. (while i picked up the pile of stuffed animals.)

after paying our bills this morning we had only $26.77 left for the week. i bought Lilly the Boyton book, and a cardboard “Curious George and the Bunny”…i think i can survive without the Benadryl and lotion for a while longer (with my discount, i should be able to afford 2% and juice). the book with the pug and the stuffed puppy were too dear in cost…

maybe i will be able to work the whole time next weekend and bring in extra tips. Aslan always says he spoils Zach, unapologetically…i do know what he means…some people save the presents for special holidays…but for some people the chance to spend time with their child IS a holiday.

smiles and kisses

a light in the window

9 11 2008

fall weather is so fickle. one moment bright sun and apple picking, the next gray with cold dampness and rain unsuitable for anything but snuggling under blankets and reading. soon it will be time to revisit my front parlor (hardly a living room, as it sits empty and abandoned most of the year) and rediscover my 1st floor fireplace.

with any luck i will keep the fuel bill at bay!

our squirrel in the back continues to stockpile. much to Lilly’s joy, he is out there, on our patio, daily scrounging. i, at times, envy his fur coat! i think i will take his lead and stockpile some soup for the days ahead.

this post is most decidedly scattered…scattered and distracted…and in need of an organized list. (ooo…you hear that? a list!) part of the problem is that i can only half-attend to the computer.

Lilly is on the quilts on the floor, surrounded by a sea of books. Aslan reminds me to talk to her…it’s unnecessary advice, but it makes me smile nonetheless. (Aslan…she turns her head when you call out her name, she waves when asked…and sometimes independently, she hums, and turns the pages of each of her books, “talking” out loud as if she were reading the words on each one…smiles!!)

beside me on the stove i am cooking hot cocoa. i plan on giving Lilly her first tastes of chocolate once it has heated…then cooled to an appropriate temperature for her. 

i experimented with gingerbread yesterday as the chill set in and have a good portion remaining on my counter. i made two whipped toppings…one regular and one with rum (perhaps fortifying myself for work last night…lol)

cocoa and gingerbread aside…i had a very unexpectedly delicious start to my weekend. i am still smiling as the after effects are dancing about in my brain. i find myself replaying bits and trying to understand if i missed a meaning. all was spilled so quickly on so many topics…and how on earth can you tell with IM…if someone is responding to the last comment or a comment two before???

silly language…by whatever means, it is sooooo easily misinterpreted.

nothing gained…nothing promised, but still i am happy for moments that were given to me…

once upon a time, people used to leave a single candle by a front window. that light symbolized and communicated so much more than words could express. it was a symbol of prayer for a loved one sent off to war…a single promise from wife to husband at sea to guide him safely home…a beacon for a weary traveler needing shelter from the storm…

there have been far too many storms in my life… but yesterday, i decided that i was going to once again light the candle in the front window. the first time i lit it in this house was Dec 7, 2007…and for the nights i was actually able to be in this house, i lit the candle (and several replacement candles) every night in hope…until Aug 4, 2008.

i will light the candle once again… it can easily say all the “things and stuff” that i fall far too short, incomplete and undeserving to communicate.

i am here…and you are thought of

smiles and kisses

Our Lilly

16 10 2008

she amazes me…

i know you know this because you know my mind, soul and heart so well, but there isnt a moment that i regret keeping her. NEVER.

207369616_79588560651but you know me… and from that i know you know that the real reason for keeping Lilly has lil to do with being catholic or losing my entire family. i kept Lilly b/c she reminds me of you most of all. it is impossible to separate what happened that day in my mind. i was Aslan…i was looking up and looking forward to that moment (i feared that it was going to only be 20 mins of you returning things and rejecting me for good) but in the hours that followed the next day…when you made it clear that you were planning on running away with me…and all the nice things you said that followed (all the truly wonderful things that i missed by a moment and one block of Park Ave)

i kept Lilly b/c she was the closest thing i was ever going to have to “OURS” …had that one instant of time worked out slightly different…just less than a fraction… she would have been. she is my love for you…she is your love for me.

for over a year now i have easily separated the violence 207370398_3e433d4894from Lilly conception…in my mind when i think of it i think only of closing my eyes and you… you making love to me with gentleness and kindness and deep passionate kisses. Lilly is yours you see?

she is everything good in you and everything not broken in me…made perfect because you showed me how to make it perfect, by showing me how to love and be loved…how to find beauty and peace in the ordinary… and how to be a real parent (all from you…always you)

it’s true that i worry for her often. she is stuck with me (and only me), she longs for you

you would, no doubt, question this…but i see her…she looks for you…she finds my phone and wants so badly for me to make you speak to her as you have so many times before. she looks back in her pic album and looks for you. she knows you should be there…she wants you there, and here, and permanently in her life. if you saw her Aslan, you would know that i am in no way making this up or exaggerating. i know her look, because i had it once upon a time too…when i would watch out my grandparent’s front window waiting for my own daddy to return.

i feel especially bad as it is because of me she has to live this life…hidden… always in quiet fear and helpless to stop them… that girl and her endless friends who seem determined to take things from me… punish me… punish Lilly. and each time i think with confidence they have taken all that they could…they find something else.

i dont know how so many people from Pittsford could respond to that… i am nothing… she got you and i am quite honestly nothing to matter so much as to go out of their way to ostracize. banished by a whole community? how does that happen?

i was thinking last night (when i was again debating your recent msg and whether i should ___________) that they have already taken everything of importance…but that is not true. you and i both know that the worst is yet to come. your girl is clever and somehow not done with punishing me. she may be clever enough to piece things together…she/they left me few options…she must know that. surely she must enjoy the fact that i am living up to their statements about me…but perhaps that is not enough…she calls still! perhaps the biggest fear should be that she will take the fact of that…she will take all the facts and piece them together for the state to take our Lilly from me.

chewthe moment i lose her, i will have lost everything

she is beautiful, Aslan…smiling happy child who loves books and watching the trees and being outside…she is so happy and content…and curious about the world around her.

and watching her (OUR Lilly) seems to cause the whole world to wake up again before my eyes…as if it has been asleep until the magical wonder of her notice makes it come awake and anew again.

but you know these things…because you know me…my mind, soul and heart. AND you know that you have made an unbreakable life-long bond with Lilly

(i just wish i could have told you that… i just wish you could see it with your own eyes…)

smiles and kisses

dont go…i miss you

15 10 2008

i miss your voice

and smiles and kisses

and amazing sundays and thursdays

and endless saturdays

conversations when we could never say goodbye

every jack johnson, pat mcgee, eric clapton

and the sound of this playing on the radio  (twelve times since i got your msg)


21 08 2008
ozz and tink teach science

ozz and tink teach science