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7 05 2009

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10 01 2009

Molly is 5 years old today. Bryan brought her by to pick up her cake. i had been invited to the princess-themed party too (Molly wanted me to be the sleeping beauty princess…lol…sleeping…lol) but i just couldnt do it. i’m really not suitable for human company.

i dont think that will ever change again…

her cake was a great distraction thou2326673147_128d00b644gh. Bryan had brought her over and she and i looked for just the right one from tons of pics. i enjoyed the distraction…and i enjoyed her help putting on the finishing touches. she came over already dressed as Cinderella. Lilly was suppose to go as Jasmine (though Molly said that there were probably going to be a couple Jasmines and no Little Mermaid b/c two of her friends from preschool fought over it…lol)

see? female pettiness starts early! lol

but Molly became bored of cake decorating and wandered off to what is of Lilly’s books/toys…and i guess Bryan felt obligated to cheer me up….idk why…he knows lil of me…he’s been spared my things and stuff (or at least the things and stuff he cannot see). he is not a confidant, nor will he ever be…but i let him talk (b/c it would have been rude not to).

why do birthdays compel people to tell “on the day you were born stories”?

he told me of his wife…their short marriage and how Molly came to be after 15 mos of their being together. he said he should have known from Molly’s birth that his wife wasnt going to she wanted little to do with Molly after her birth. he said you can always tell good parents from the bad ones b/c good parents find reasons to be with their children and a bad one will find reasons to escape or dump their children on others. he wondered to me what kind of mother doesnt seek and receive custody of her child? (his ex sees Molly only twice a month)

heightened paranoia i guess…was this an analogy? was he subversively criticizing me? does he believe i am a bad mother too? idk

he told me personal stuff i only barely listened to. asked again and again for me to come to Molly’s party. explained how parties and ocassions with friends, when you are a solo guy are awkward b/c the whole night you are constantly reminded of Noah’s Ark…everyone paired off in neat lil packages of two happy adults…plus children.

so many things i should not have heard about my contractor. how he never imagined that Molly would be 4, then 5 and so on without having another child…a sibling…to join her.

that one stung…was it only 2 weeks ago when i thought i was chosen to be the mother of Aslan’s children. “We dont have to stop, but I was thinking two more. With you”…ok…got it…stupid, stupid, stupid memory. why is every aspect of my life marred with …scared with horrible and hurtful memories??? two days after he said that he wanted children with me he supposedly… reportedly…she said he […] (i was not the one he chose afterall) …idk he’s gorgeous and desirable… idk… but he did stop talking (and with good reason!)

around here things change quickly from moment to moment…just karma taunting and punishing me b/c of what i am, i suppose…it is what it is

Lilly will be my only child. there are probably several very good reasons for God designing my life that way….i have fallen in love only once…i love him still (regardless of who she/they tell me he’s been …he is with)…i love him still and always…that has not changed in 3 yrs… it will not change in the future… though i have absolutely nothing of value to offer him…and i will stay far and away from him b/c that is what he wants most…my feelings will never change and he will never be replaced.

meh…birthdays…cakes…guys wanting me for show…saying all the right things out of boredom so i’d put out? (i’m really not that hard to fool i guess) …idk… birthdays make you remember where you have been [and all the wasted time]…i tried to distract myself from it all by the realization that Molly, Lilly and i were all born in January…clusters of birthdays (but then i remember that Aslan’s birthday was flanked by my brother and sister’s birthdays…one on each side)


on the day you were born stories…

on the day i was born my mom rejected me…she and my dad later left the hospital without me. it took several weeks for my grandparents to gain the rights for me

on the day Lilly was born…it was too soon…they told me she would not make it if she was born before mid-February (and there were no guarantees if she was born in February b/c she was due in April) but there were problems and complications…for days i was bedridden at Emily’s house on Beverly…and after weeks of trying, he was miserable and wanted nothing to do with me (my fault)

two hours before she was born Aslan said goodbye (he didnt know…well he knew the basics…i’m screwed up, not nearly good enough, and awful to be near…that was enough i suppose…) he only heard, but could not know what it is to have your brother’s life terminated by a Texas court…what it was to be conflicted over loyalties between a mother you never really knew and feared……what it was like to want a family, just once in my life and be wanted back by them…a life you wanted to provide your own child…he couldnt understand the constant hounding phone calls, like the one from his friend telling me that i was NOT who he should be with…and that horrible thud he presented to me weeks earlier when he let me know that we would have to wait to introduce Lilly to his parents…a year at least so it wouldn’t look bad…no, it was easier to explain me as a single parent once Lilly was far older. single parents sometimes meet single parents…he needed me to do that for him…he needed me to stay covered, quiet and hidden 

of course i understood…they never even knew i existed. of course i’d be hard to explain…he’d been living with another girl so much of the time, but they couldnt know that while he was with her, he was also with me….only Adam knew. well…Adam and Dan maybe…and Morgan. (but even in their knowing, did they really know?)

but Aslan said goodbye not knowing i was already in pain…had been in pain for over a week and was restricted to bed…less than an half hour later i began hemorrhaging…like i had been in a car wreck. Jon came and took me to the hospital…i remember i didnt want to go…i remember thinking if i went she wouldnt make it… Jon was so angry with my “stupidity over Aslan” but he found me a pic and carried me to the car…and fretted about his carseats beneath my blankets and towels.

shortly after dropping me off Jon told me he’d be leaving too (he doesnt do babies). he checked me in, handed me another pic and told me that it was quite obvious that the only man i was ever going to let […]

Jon told me something and then i was alone…well alone with 2 nurses, 1 tech and 2 or 3 doctors…idk…the pain was blinding and all i remember is the sense of warm liquid…blood everywhere and being told there was no time…too late for a c-section (which i was supposed to have b/c of a pelvic fracture)…stripped and stretched…and for the most part ignored…except for the biting commands of push…barking commands…and beeping monitors

too fast…too soon…all wrong!!!

and then there was silence and all but one raced to the other side of the room.

on the day Lilly was born i wanted to hold her, but she was not crying. i thought she was dead and i wanted to hold her just once…but they wisked her away

and i called after the last one to take his pic and put it with her…he needed to watch over her (i know…what was i thinking! he had said goodbye and wasnt coming back…or so i thought)

on the day Lilly was born i had thought i had killed her…like my brother, sister and father…gone…all my fault. i was told later that she was still alive. they wanted her name for her bracelet…but i was in shock and out-of-it and rotating between crying out of happiness and crying from deep sadness…they told me she weighed 3 lbs (but the papers i was given later said 2.6 lbs)…on the day she was born i was crushed and happy and hopeful and lost

he had left…and in error i told them Sweeney (for a little over 12 hours Lilly wore a bracelet that said Sweeney…it wasnt purposeful…just ditzy, over-emotional head…still he would have been angry if he had known)…they would not let me see her, but they made the necessary corrections to her bracelet, the file and Keri’s pic once i realized what i had done…

she was attached to miles of wires and tubes and her eyes were taped shut, but at the end of her crib was his pic…smiling along with his son…looking down on her and keeping her well

Aslan later called and came to the hospital chapel to pray for her…they had already booted me from the hospital (insurance) before i was actually allowed to touch her

on the day she was born he loved her more than nearly anyone else on this earth (except his son)…he just didnt know it

Lilly turns 1 on the 31st of this month. i will be 26 just two days prior to that. Molly is 5…she is the daughter of my contractor

people need to keep in their appropriate places…never stretching for more than is rightfully theirs…and most importatly, NEVER, letting others close enough to their things and stuff to see the scars that are always spoiling the sweetness.

(everything looks far better from a distance, right? 6 days of “I love you” left…then…)

not his fault…not his fault

7 12 2008

the threats, actions, phone calls and messages have nothing to do with him. he did not cause them. he did not make them. he cannot stop them.

they are about him only…because of him only… in that he is the reasons why they are made, but he has no control over them. he is not responsible for them. he never did…he never will. he is removed from them and does not need to even hear about them…ever!

her actions are her own. it is between me and her (and her friends).

he has no say in them. there is nothing he can do about them… ever…they are not his fault…not his fault.


i am alone with it. (he can not/will not fight my battles for me any more than i can fight to keep him to myself….it simply must be only what it is.)


i have no right ascribing any feelings to his kindness. everything i have perceived is merely imagined. my fantasy. nothing real…nothing is intended (except for her and her endless calls and messages and threats) not his fault…not his fault.

 (and what Paul did was never Dave’s fault…not his fault, i never could blame either of them for the actions of others. just is what it is…as with mom, dad, Alex and Alyssa…it was my fault alone…only me and nothing more…)

i am alone…hopelessly broken and alone!!!


remember that…meaningless things and stuff that hurt only me and Lilly.


5 12 2008

Dear God,

please ease Lilly’s discomfort. she coughs so and it shakes her whole body…shivering and shaking from fever and fear. please God, give her rest. the coughing started in around 6:30 last evening…were there signs before that that i ignored? i am such a horrible mother! she shakes and coughs and then the pain from the coughs makes her cry which in turn make her cough again…her hair is pinned to her forehead with sweat and her watery eyes look to me for relief and i can offer her none.

i called the drs. office and could only get a late appt with the nurse practioner who dismissed the symptoms as a simple virus. didnt she read Lilly’s file? she has a heart condition and is more susceptible to RSV. no meds. coughing and meds? she said that is the new protocol…no meds and no otc suggestions.

i have never wept in a drs. office like that before. i never wanted to make a scene…i was operating on 2.5 hrs of sleep myself…i am so very sorry. i didnt mean to cry…no meds? i’m so sorry…she was just doing her job…and when i cry, Lilly cries…then coughs…then cries more

if only i had saved some of the meds from last time…but they come in ridiculously small bottles…and they are impossible to fit the medicine syringe in…measure out appropriate amounts and put them in the baby…inevitibly some of the medication leaks out of the corners of her mouth…or it spills b/c Lilly struggles with the process and turns herself this way and that way. (or it curdles in her stomach and she spits it up leaving me hoping that it did some good in the small amount of time it was actually within her body) baby medicine should come in bulk-size so that even i cant screw it up! but no…baby medicine comes in tiny quantities that cost nearly $100 each (even with the discount).

and drs. visits are $65…even if they do nothing

baby advil is $12…and i do not know how much the ticket would have cost…i remember driving down Middle Rd and being stopped at the stoplight…and watching the trucks pass before me as they make their way to 390…i remember the darkness and the glare from the lights… and the next thing i remember was the officer knocking at my window. drs. then wegmans for baby advil and it was 10 PM… i had fallen asleep at the traffic light…eyes open, but asleep…or checked out

he knocked, she cried…i came to. Henrietta police? he followed me down to a Sunoco and bought me a coffee (i dont drink coffee, but if it gets me out of a ticket…bring it!) i received a sympathetic lecture… then he followed me up 390 to the split for 490 to Roch (he went the other way thankfully…i was not sure how to handle it if he kept following me home).

i am a horrible person, unsuitable mother, unqualified worker…broken and damaged. i fell asleep with my daughter in the vehicle!!

please God…i have spent the night up rocking and walking and holding Lilly. we go in the steam of the bathroom, until, i guess i ran out of hot water completely (it only comes ice cold now)…i dont know what that is all about.

(9 AM edit—> broken water heater…obviously this was the answer to my prayers? $850…i give up…i resign! nothing, i can do nothing. i want and i am punished for speaking those desires…this is clearly a sign… clearly my answer!)

i have therapy at 9…which i should cancel, but will be looked upon suspiciously if i do. shouldnt the fact that i have no money left to make it through the next week and a half be enough?

and then… if there were any doubt…he did not call or text (not that he should have been expected to…idk…i’m completely messed up…COMPLETELY!) instead i received 1 call and 2 texts from her/them.

b/c i needed a reminder. i should not have said all that i had the other night to him…false confidence b/c it seemed that everything might be… but then i spoke…said nearly all that was in my heart and repulsed him. (and she must have found out which is why i have been issued a new series of threats)

nvm…things and stuff


i have a sick daughter and am working with no sleep…what else can his girl do to me? Lilly is sick…i have nothing to offer her and no way to comfort her…what could be worse?

please God, take care of my Lilly (and my Aslan, Zach and Michael)

(i need to be grateful for the moments…they were more than i deserved)

idk what i’m doing…i just know it hurts

it must have been a dream i had

1 12 2008

i smiled

and laughed…freely laughed over silliness of a simple word

and played

(it was odd too, for Lilly,who normally fights for the object…was quite content hearing who she wanted only briefly and then happy to be in the presence of me and a world of nonsense responses…she seemed most satisfied with the mood and crawled away to snuggle with a now-near-empty photobook…comforted enough by the sounds around her to fall asleep…all being right with her lil world.)

and i was sooooo very happy for almost and hour

(but it vanished again)

i want to get back to that sweet place…it seemed so real for a bit …so real that i felt that strange feeling of confidence starting to build again

(it is gone now…completely)

it is morning and i have awoken with renewed fear (what will she do now?)

it was only a dream that i had…nothing real…no right to ask him to come…to visit… to stay…(dreams dont stay)

oh, but this one i really wanted to hold for then and always

smiles…smirks…tracing the edges…tracing around the edge of his right ear…and whispering…yes…around the edges of his hairline…and down his neck…yes…around his back…and pulling him closer…yes…untucking his shirt… and riding the amazing possibilities…YES!



yes… i wanted to hold that one for a lil while longer (and then forever)

but i did not hear the door…and the dream was broken apart when Bryan walked in “to check on me” (he was not part of the dream…)

i wish to go back to the land of “Yes!” (it is unsafe) but oh, for a moment i forgot everything (lists, orderly lines, worries and stupid promises and fears disappear in its company)

smiles and kisses

a light in the window

9 11 2008

fall weather is so fickle. one moment bright sun and apple picking, the next gray with cold dampness and rain unsuitable for anything but snuggling under blankets and reading. soon it will be time to revisit my front parlor (hardly a living room, as it sits empty and abandoned most of the year) and rediscover my 1st floor fireplace.

with any luck i will keep the fuel bill at bay!

our squirrel in the back continues to stockpile. much to Lilly’s joy, he is out there, on our patio, daily scrounging. i, at times, envy his fur coat! i think i will take his lead and stockpile some soup for the days ahead.

this post is most decidedly scattered…scattered and distracted…and in need of an organized list. (ooo…you hear that? a list!) part of the problem is that i can only half-attend to the computer.

Lilly is on the quilts on the floor, surrounded by a sea of books. Aslan reminds me to talk to her…it’s unnecessary advice, but it makes me smile nonetheless. (Aslan…she turns her head when you call out her name, she waves when asked…and sometimes independently, she hums, and turns the pages of each of her books, “talking” out loud as if she were reading the words on each one…smiles!!)

beside me on the stove i am cooking hot cocoa. i plan on giving Lilly her first tastes of chocolate once it has heated…then cooled to an appropriate temperature for her. 

i experimented with gingerbread yesterday as the chill set in and have a good portion remaining on my counter. i made two whipped toppings…one regular and one with rum (perhaps fortifying myself for work last night…lol)

cocoa and gingerbread aside…i had a very unexpectedly delicious start to my weekend. i am still smiling as the after effects are dancing about in my brain. i find myself replaying bits and trying to understand if i missed a meaning. all was spilled so quickly on so many topics…and how on earth can you tell with IM…if someone is responding to the last comment or a comment two before???

silly language…by whatever means, it is sooooo easily misinterpreted.

nothing gained…nothing promised, but still i am happy for moments that were given to me…

once upon a time, people used to leave a single candle by a front window. that light symbolized and communicated so much more than words could express. it was a symbol of prayer for a loved one sent off to war…a single promise from wife to husband at sea to guide him safely home…a beacon for a weary traveler needing shelter from the storm…

there have been far too many storms in my life… but yesterday, i decided that i was going to once again light the candle in the front window. the first time i lit it in this house was Dec 7, 2007…and for the nights i was actually able to be in this house, i lit the candle (and several replacement candles) every night in hope…until Aug 4, 2008.

i will light the candle once again… it can easily say all the “things and stuff” that i fall far too short, incomplete and undeserving to communicate.

i am here…and you are thought of

smiles and kisses

i missed a call?

5 11 2008

normally the phone sits in a pocket in my bag…undisturbed b/c no one calls me (i have given my number to so few people). i had to move it b/c Lilly is addicted…she associates the cell phone with someone who brings her smiles.
i think my life was far easier without the phone. maybe you’d agree if you realized that the mean and hurtful calls out-number the sweet ones 25:1.

he stopped calling…(again)…and she kept looking (and trust me, there is nothing that weighs heavier on the heart than a wanted call or an expected visit that never comes…sadly that is the one true thing she inherited from me)…but she kept looking…she wants me to play her the messages from him…but i cant, b/c over the top of his messages are a series of cruel and threatening messages.

i put the phone in the drawer.

but in a moment of weakness this morning…upon waking from a dream that left me longing… i opened the drawer and saw the call i missed. (we missed, b/c they are really for her i think…smiles). there were many calls missed…but only one that mattered…and there are many new voicemails…but it is doubtful one is from him.

i am not at that point in my day where i can hear what new things that girl and her friends  are going to take from Lilly and i…so i will not listen to them.

(i am outnumbered you see…it is only me and my 9 month old baby against all of them. i think for some people cruelty is an addiction…they must keep at it long after the battle was won b/c it was not the winning that gives them greatest pleasure, it is the suffering of their opponent…even when that opponent never, ever, fought back.)

perhaps i will be braver later…or perhaps i will listen to them during dialysis tomorrow when i am already miserable and in pain.

i missed a phone call. i cant call back, message or text for fear of ruining his happiness. i worry that maybe what he had to say to me wasnt at all what i needed to hear… but i know better than to contact him and get him in trouble.

people that shouldnt have access alway inevitibly have access…things and stuff.

i missed a call…he was thinking of me as i was thinking of him…i’ll take it for what it is…


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