crawling

2 11 2008

we were sent home…

i have never been sent home from a job in my life…he said i was worthless to him tonight.

Lilly is wide awake…she has on her explorer’s face, revelling in the fact that she is home and without walls or confines of the crib for a night, no doubt.

she pushes herself up on her knees and rocks back…then looks up at me and smiles…a free daring smile.  the quilts make the process slippery…and she often splats back down to her belly…but she doesnt give up, our lil one…in moments she’s back up and she wants me to chase (or at least pretend i’m gonna chase).

i was sent home… (ok…i know i was a bit shakey…it happens… but i was doing fine and we needed the money!)

 

and i know you said secret, but that didnt stop my dumb foolish brain from planning…from thinking…that maybe after your game last week you’d come by…i left the door unlocked for you…

stupid, stupid, worthless, scarred, ugly girl and her foolish dreams… wanting a family…wanting Lilly to have…(grabbing…always grabbing at unraveling threads)

a fool’s dream that you’d come by…because you wanted to…bringing the boys…because you wanted to…and the 5 of us would have a picnic upon the quilts (because i have no furniture…we’d tell the boys it was a picnic on purpose)…and if it were cold, you’d light a fire in the fireplace…we’d let the boys explore the house…pocket doors, hidden cabinets…lil boys love that! you’d relax knowing it was ok to let them run and explore and make themselves at home. always here it is ok…always

AND YES, I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE NOTHING…I HAVE ALWAYS GOT THAT!!!

but i heard your voice…didnt listen to what you said or pay attention to when or how…just heard your voice and i started dreaming…just like you taught me…and i thought from your voice…i made myself believe in things that couldnt be…that never were supposed to be…EVER…REALLY, I’VE UNDERSTOOD THAT FOR YEARS NOW!!!

like how you would come by…and grant me 4 wishes (the greatest of those being forgiveness…forgiving me for being sooooo entirely awful and cruel to you…forgiving me for being neglectful, nagging, and nothing to the most wonderful man ever created!)

except you never called again…the curiosity lost its whatever

and you never called again

and i know why

they sent me home tonight too…unwanted

Advertisements




fall back

31 10 2008

it was one of those breathtaking fall afternoons…bright blue, cloudless sky peeking above a crayon box of trees that line the road…i especially love the small vivid red tree at the corner of Culver and East.

steady waves of a breeze were causing the drier leaves to swirl and dance just above the walk…

further down the road they were fixing the broken traffic signals…at Cantebury (?), just before the bridge…we did not venture that far, but Lilly and i could see the darkened, lifeless lights swaying to and fro.

the sky …something about the sky… the shadows… it made the last bits of fall color POP.

an errand took us past Winton and then near East we hopped on 490 heading eastward. i stopped for the man with the sign…dingy, dust-covered man with a pocky wind-burned face holding a sign that read “homeless Vietnam Vet….” i scraped three twenties out of my wallet and asked him what his line of work was…

“anything that brings a paycheck,” was his mumbled reply.

he thanked me but did not make eye contact (i know this feeling). he said he sleeps in the parking garage near the Little. everyone needs an address. i will talk to Mike and Phil about him and see if we could offer him something…winter is coming…being homeless in winter is very hard. i felt very foolish and selfish leaving him behind as i drove away. $60 isnt so much…i didnt really need what i intended to use that money for…i suppose, when compared to his needs, i am frivolous

 

this weekend we set back our clocks…

do you ever let the world beat you up so much that you wish to turn back the clock and fix time…fix your life by changing events?

it may just be me…i suppose you are all pretty satisfied with who you are and how your life has run…me? i see all my faults and flaws…wanting to change them moment by moment.

i considered it a lot after work last night…dragging myself and a semi-sleeping Lilly back into the house at 2:30 AM…i lay awake thinking about all the coulda-woulda-shoulda…that maybe i’d do differently if given the chance

if i could only go back there… turn back the clocks

where would i begin?

every change i came up with had an enormous ripple.

and i finally concluded that there was little i could change…no, i would not change my decision to have Lilly. no, i would not change my determination to let him be happy with who he chose.

i could never change his freewill to always want someone who was not me.

sounds empty and hopeless, huh? (but it’s not) i suppose even if i had the power to control my fate, i would not have…for the bitter pain and loneliness brought me great rewards…afterall, i got to know him. for a brief moment in my life, i got to share his dreams and hear his voice and talk endlessly about everything and nothing with the sweetest man in the world. and i have her…Lilly who is napping peacefully in my lap…my left hand petting her silky-soft wild curls and the smoothness of her cheek…the thumb has fallen from her mouth and she is breathing in an even rhythm which is broken now and again with a sudden startle followed by a rub of her tiny fist against her nose, and a slight twitch as her sweet slumbering face brightens into a smirk.

how is it that there are times when she sometimes reminds me of you most of all?

 

we’re setting back the clocks this weekend… but i’m wishing, hoping, dreaming forward

smiles and kisses…





staring at an unfamiliar number…again

26 10 2008

i’m numb…staring at an unfamiliar number again

and then it all comes back to me

why i should be very, very afraid

 

i’m so very sorry…i wont do it again…please…





Our Lilly

16 10 2008

she amazes me…

i know you know this because you know my mind, soul and heart so well, but there isnt a moment that i regret keeping her. NEVER.

207369616_79588560651but you know me… and from that i know you know that the real reason for keeping Lilly has lil to do with being catholic or losing my entire family. i kept Lilly b/c she reminds me of you most of all. it is impossible to separate what happened that day in my mind. i was Aslan…i was looking up and looking forward to that moment (i feared that it was going to only be 20 mins of you returning things and rejecting me for good) but in the hours that followed the next day…when you made it clear that you were planning on running away with me…and all the nice things you said that followed (all the truly wonderful things that i missed by a moment and one block of Park Ave)

i kept Lilly b/c she was the closest thing i was ever going to have to “OURS” …had that one instant of time worked out slightly different…just less than a fraction… she would have been. she is my love for you…she is your love for me.

for over a year now i have easily separated the violence 207370398_3e433d4894from Lilly conception…in my mind when i think of it i think only of closing my eyes and you… you making love to me with gentleness and kindness and deep passionate kisses. Lilly is yours you see?

she is everything good in you and everything not broken in me…made perfect because you showed me how to make it perfect, by showing me how to love and be loved…how to find beauty and peace in the ordinary… and how to be a real parent (all from you…always you)

it’s true that i worry for her often. she is stuck with me (and only me), she longs for you

you would, no doubt, question this…but i see her…she looks for you…she finds my phone and wants so badly for me to make you speak to her as you have so many times before. she looks back in her pic album and looks for you. she knows you should be there…she wants you there, and here, and permanently in her life. if you saw her Aslan, you would know that i am in no way making this up or exaggerating. i know her look, because i had it once upon a time too…when i would watch out my grandparent’s front window waiting for my own daddy to return.

i feel especially bad as it is because of me she has to live this life…hidden… always in quiet fear and helpless to stop them… that girl and her endless friends who seem determined to take things from me… punish me… punish Lilly. and each time i think with confidence they have taken all that they could…they find something else.

i dont know how so many people from Pittsford could respond to that… i am nothing… she got you and i am quite honestly nothing to matter so much as to go out of their way to ostracize. banished by a whole community? how does that happen?

i was thinking last night (when i was again debating your recent msg and whether i should ___________) that they have already taken everything of importance…but that is not true. you and i both know that the worst is yet to come. your girl is clever and somehow not done with punishing me. she may be clever enough to piece things together…she/they left me few options…she must know that. surely she must enjoy the fact that i am living up to their statements about me…but perhaps that is not enough…she calls still! perhaps the biggest fear should be that she will take the fact of that…she will take all the facts and piece them together for the state to take our Lilly from me.

chewthe moment i lose her, i will have lost everything

she is beautiful, Aslan…smiling happy child who loves books and watching the trees and being outside…she is so happy and content…and curious about the world around her.

and watching her (OUR Lilly) seems to cause the whole world to wake up again before my eyes…as if it has been asleep until the magical wonder of her notice makes it come awake and anew again.

but you know these things…because you know me…my mind, soul and heart. AND you know that you have made an unbreakable life-long bond with Lilly

(i just wish i could have told you that… i just wish you could see it with your own eyes…)

smiles and kisses





you make me tremble…

14 10 2008

there have…in my life…been people who made me tremble. they were the types of people who would make a 350 lbs linebacker tremble…in fear

you make me tremble for an entirely different reason. i’m not sure if you’ve ever heard it in my voice, but i am shaking right now…upon thoughts of you…as i type (and retype) this. i long to hear your voice…but at what cost?

please…

dont you know what the sound of your voice does to me? dont you understand the effort…the control it takes for me to make sure i dont spoil what you already have… what you have that so obviously makes you happy?

dont you know the effort it takes to convince myself that niceness doesnt mean what i want it to mean.

you have never spent hours staring down at a keyboard knowing that no matter what you do or say…it will inevitibly lead to disaster, abandonment and losing you again

why do you have to be so incredible?

don’t you know how frightened i am to move? you test me with phone calls… completely oblivious that i have been hounded…tormented by phone calls from different numbers for a very long time. is it you this time…is it her/them?

you are ashamed of me because i am such a coward!

and yet….

why do you have to be such a wonderful, incredible, generous, thoughtful, sweet, loving, creative, nice, bold, amazing and gorgeous smartass that i want so badly but cant have.

you are my punishment…for a life mislead…for all the guys-for-a-night from the bars who i stole without care for sport from their gfs (i always planned on returning them). SHE/THEY are my constant tormentors…to remind me…what i cant have… and what i can lose.

the one guy who didnt chose me (but who i still wanted so desperately in my life somehow…stupid and suicidal, huh?)

i didnt mean to hurt her…get that? i didnt mean to hurt her! i told you long ago that i could not fight for you…you needed to want me…but i could not force anyone to want me…i’ve tried in my life to be wanted by people…it never works…it doesnt work for me anyhow. no one stays for me

and at the same time that you and i were telling each other everything that we keep secret from the rest of the world…you told me too… you told me that you have a tendency to revist old gfs when things get rough or when you’ve just broken up or fought with the current girl…you told me you rebound and revist…a junkies fix with a sure thing. (old gfs…except…Aslan, i’ve never had a boyfriend in my life)

i didnt mean to hurt her!

was i the rebound, the revist or the real thing? i just dont know…you dazzle me so much…i am soooo absolutely thrilled to have you in my life (even for a moment) that i simply dont care if i’m only supposed to be a temporary stop. i’m pretty clueless…i dont think i could ever tell the difference between someone actually liking me and someone wanting something from me.

it didnt help that she/they all told me it was the second choice…(it’s ok…that one has always been easier to believe and was the top reason why i always left whoever before 5AM… simply didnt expect whoever to remember me… simply didnt expect to matter…so i’d always leave before i’d get hurt…by them…by HIM… i’d leave

i dont know why you were different…i dont know why i let you inside… i didnt mean to fall in love with you.

but i also never meant to hurt her! she/they dont believe it…but it is absolutely true!

and every time you leave… i let you leave… silently without a fight…because i know (despite your great “i’ll never…” proclamations to the contrary)… you leave me to go back to her… your real choice

i do not chase after… i do not look in…when you leave, you make your feelings very clear by their silence…you want to be left alone

and i dont push or follow…for fear of hearing “i hate you” or “dont call, message, e-mail…” (you know the words… i dont look or follow … i give you the space and freedom of me that you desire)

and if you think this being said is somehow a criticism of you…you’d be wrong, because there is no anger or malice or loathing in me for you… just love Aslan… always just love for who you are. i wouldnt change you for the world… (i have thought on that considerably…and there is nothing i would change…i knew i wasnt the magic pill that would cause you to drink less, give up smoking or remain faithful to a person who neither excited nor interested you…)

i knew Aslan… the “i love yous” stopped…and it was fine…i was happy for whatever moment you could spare…because you ARE that wonderful…you ARE that precious… you are treasured because of who you are!!! (i knew you didnt love me… told you, i’m not the one they love…what i didnt realize was… somewhere along the line you stopped liking me…i just ignored the signs for a chance to be with you… you are everything!)

i would never want to do anything that would hurt the happiness you have found. (i just like keeping the memories of the moments tightly held to my heart…and replay them as needed…but sometimes even those you needed to remind me were too much for someone like me to expect)

so when you called out of the blue and i didnt know how to breathe… i know she/they will lash-out if they uncover it. i know i will become intoxicated by you… lost my heart and it is soooooo very difficult to keep my thoughts clear around you.

you call and i find myself thinking of your smirk… hearing your voice… your laugh… that glint in your eyes…looking forward to stories of your boys, your work, the truck, what you’re listening to, hamburger helper… i look forward to it all… every waking moment with thoughts of you…and then you invade my dreams…making me smile

you didnt pick up on it…me trying to be brave that day (i text when i know i will lose control hearing your voice…) telling you goodbye…without telling you goodbye… i dont want to cry or cause you distress… no guilt… you made your choice and you were always free to do so without having some meaningless girl chase at your heels… i’d text…quietly, mutely text so i did not hear your voice… smooth, charming, sensual….

text because i know what i ought to do

i know what i want to do…but i know what i ought to do (as i did on your birthday)

i dont know why you come back…but i dont want to hurt your girl… and i dont want your girl to hurt Lilly (me, i can live on the street without money… Lilly cant)

so i tremble…and in shame i stare helpless at a keyboard…cowering behind a device…i text things i dont mean to say

because… i cant read people or situations

and so i close my eyes…and tremble

resisting thoughts of your mouth against mine

resisting thoughts of your hands warm and sure…caressing my skin

perfect….wanting….satisfying

i am trying to do what i should for everyone’s happiness…yours, hers, Lilly’s

and so i trying to do the impossible…by resisting you

(but maybe one text message will be ok?)





Wedding Cake Milestones

23 08 2008

it is 11:57 pm. i have been counting up receipts in an attempt from winding down a very busy day…

despite all…inspite of everything…i found a reason to smile…

40 wedding cakes. i have made 40 wedding cakes and have an additional nine lined up for the coming weeks.

i have made 40 wedding cakes! no two alike…40 of them!!!

each one an exillerating thrill from the tasting meeting with bride and whoever (groom/mom/best friend) until the day-of set up. Fun! Challenging! Nail-biting tension, but FUN!

i like meeting the brides…they’re always so hopeful. i like the part where i get to recreate their dream (because all of us girls, since a very young age, have been dreaming about our wedding day and the prince charming who will come into our lives and offer us forever)

lavendar, pink, ivory, seafoam, cocoa, chiffon, flowers or lemon…i get to recreate their dream (and they let me live it through their joy…i get to be part of their plan)

i truly enjoy creating and decorating wedding cakes…i love setting them up in ribboned and laced banquet halls…i see the drapings and crystals…the candles and flowered centerpieces… the gift table and dance floor…

Lilly and I are there only for the pregame…there with the rest of the wedding roadies who set up the brides dream…but for that time…i am her…an imagined bride that will walk through the double doors with her handsome husband…smiling and flawless from head to toe.

and my cakes are there from toast to bouquet toss…watching the first dance of husband and wife…

i will never have a wedding of my own (i am never the one anyone loves)…but each weekend i get to pretend…each weekend i live vicariously (as if i were the one he loves, wants to show off, and creates the party-of-all-parties to celebrate “our” happily ever after with). i have had it all through them (my brides)…40 times…with 40 cakes!

it’s something, right?





cartoon

21 08 2008
ozz and tink teach science

ozz and tink teach science