Protected: in my life

15 07 2009

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congratulations

12 06 2009

it was a message a few days old…i only noticed it because i was short $63.71 for a bill and needed to dig into the cookie jar (the savings place for all things precious and painful…which is where i keep the phones so Lilly doesnt get at them anymore).

there were a few voice messages i chose not to listen to…but for an insanely stupid reason i allowed my heart to be hopeful when i saw the texts messages (but not a one was from you…which i really should have known.)

what was there left me numb (though, yes, i know it should not have… i know you left more than an hour ago…i do…i know that maybe what she/they/whoever said is true and you were never “with” me…only with her.)

oh please…i dont know when it will stop…these feelings and that stupid hope…i dont know how to stop (besides what they tell me i need to do to appease them…my punishment for loving a man who was never mine)

i saw her/their/whoever’s message…and i know now it is final

a baby!!!

you and she are expecting a baby (i dont know why i feel it isnt long enough…i dont know why i keep thinking you just left…i, of all people know that it only takes one instance…i’m sorry for being so selfish)

you are engaged and expecting a baby with the girl you love… i know that is what you want. you are a good father and though i thought you wanted children only with me… i know i really misread that.

you are having another baby…i am happy for you, really…because i know that you love children and you have wanted more for a very long time.

congratulations to you, Zach, Mike and your girl…all the sweetest blessings to you all!!!

i dont think the rain will be so bad…i think i need to take a walk (but leave Lilly home). just something i need to do. (old neighborhood and Meigs i guess…nothing was real…nothing meant for me)





Protected: g’night my loves

8 05 2009

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Aslan’s Mountains

5 05 2009

aslan-at-the-top-of-nys

because that’s who he is…aslan-at-the-top 

he goes away but doesnt forget me

taking me with him where ever he goes

and he has been to some of the most amazing places… do you see those mountain tops…waterfall-may-2009

i am still recovering…my left eye is bad and i cannot make it down the street… but with him i have strength

and from him i see so many things i could never imagine. “don’t worry baby…there is this one place in White ______ where we can drive right up”

snowpacked-trail-may-2009

here in May and there is still snow on the trail (he is patient and explains all)

and he couldnt wait to share what he saw with me… couldnt wait to talk with me.

(to all you doubters that make me feel low and like i do not know…he loves me…got it… he loves me and the baby and he will never leave us…he would never hurt her or i like that…got it… you are wrong…i belong ONLY with him and he wants only me…got it…do you see now???? it is real…it is true…he isn’t using me… and the fact that i cant walk far or may be in a wheelchair when i am very old because of all this now…the fact that i have scars and damage …he loves me…he has really left her and really doesnt want to go back to that other girl…dont you see? he has proven it!!! got it??? he wont abandon me…this proves it…you see??? i am what he wants… he stayed for months…he has been for years…he came back to campfire-by-aslan-may-2009stay just as he promised he would stay and not pressure…because he loves me …do you see? i did not judge wrong…i am not being foolish or naive…he is not using me…he wants a life with Lilly and i and he will not leave! he knows that i cannot be part-time or now-and-again girl. he knows that Lilly needs more than i had…she needs more than occasional weekend daddy. he will never break our hearts!!! do you see? he wants me by his side forever…Aslan Sweeney loves Melissa Eider!!!)

and to make me feel as if i were there beside him…he made me this:

Panorama of mountainss on CleVR.com

 

he loves me…do you see? even though i am banged up and they say scary things about my eye…he loves me!  you are wrong…he intends to stay forever!! he loves me!!! even if my “want” and my “can” may not match for a bit…you are wrong… he is MY Aslan and he is as enduring as those mountains!!

so i do not want to wait for your indefinite timeline of proof Dr. Bennett. i want to bring Aslan home. i will bring Aslan home…to late for the night…but i will bring him home tomorrow after my appt. he loves me…do you see? he will stay with me because he love me above all others (except his son and Lilly)

i know your tired now Aslan…smiles and kisses and sweet dreams…

(and he will come home tomorrow and stay forever! it is NOT too prideful to tell him where. it’s not to vain to ask. it is NOT too expectant to want him and everything else. i am not misjudging or misreading because he chose me…you see? someone CHOSE me!)

 





Protected: Rainbows from Aslan

2 05 2009

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he is

22 12 2008

he is eternally optimistic, my Aslan…he says he had moods, but i have never seen them. each day, for nearly a week, he has greeted me with “i love you.” i am back to being “babe” and tink and “his” Melissa…and everything else perfect and delightful that this world has to offer. (me, you hear that people, ME!)

he laughs and smiles over the simple (that i make far too complicated) and the silly (that i take far too seriously). he laughs…and that laughter is infectious…as are his smiles and soft, deep incredible voice. simple sweet honest words that make my heart soften, my breathing easier and my toes curl (and my head so light that it wants to drift away on an open dream)

he sends me pics of the sun setting over a parking lot and video of his knee and a table of beer glasses (lol) and many messages…he calls me when no one else on the earth is awake (2 -3 times)…but still i panic when i fire off a message and it takes him longer than 5 mins to respond. AND I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO!!!

i have not heard his voice in days…when i do, i act like a nervous idiot; always looking about the dark corners of the landscape for the doom or expecting his dash for an exit. the time is ripe you see…over ten days and their calls come in…they wouldnt care if i changed phones and numbers…they have found ways of reaching me when i do not respond to their threats on my cell (i was stronger at the beginning of last week… i laughed the malicious in-my-face-calls and messages off… i wish i were back there right now.)

he is optimisitc…he lays possibilities and wishes at my feet.

i began erasing the vast number of cruel messages and voicemails that accumulated on my phone over the weekend in Dr. Bennett’s office today. she watched as i opened message after message from unknown numbers. (they tell me he is not being truthful with me. that he is using me only and has no real interest in being in Lilly or my life. they tell me he lies about where he is and who he is with…the last part isnt true though, b/c i dont ask…i dont ask so he doesnt have to feel as if he needs to protect me.) i am supposed to remember that they are messages from human people…they are hurt feelings manifested… i am supposed to remember those people have no more power than i do. i am supposed to remember that i need to heal first and worry about this part later.

i struggle to hold what i have left, but i am told to remember that no one  really has power over my life unless i give them that power (ok…i’ll play let’s pretend too if it gets her to change the subject, but i’ve got an empty dessert cooler and a clear calendar that say otherwise. oh and by the way…i chose a long time ago for Aslan to have power over my life…i told him long ago he was driving b/c i notoriously screw things up…but sure, yeah, we’ll pretend otherwise.)

i will erase the remaining ones later. i have been told that he is on his way out of town, you see…so i will miss his voice again… i will miss his voice and his strength and how much he fills me every moment he is near. (but i hate interfering with his fun…he is optimistic you see…and i would not change that or anything else about him for the world!)

it is Christmas and i have no clue what to get him…he deserves so much but i am at a loss… either not enough money or not enough sophistication to get him the perfect gift…gifts are tokens of feelings, and like my words that fall so entirely short of their mark…anything i purchase would fall horribly short of his expectation or worth. i know i should find that perfect gift…the absolutely right gift for him, that when he opens it he will know once and for all that i am the one…but there is nothing that comes to mind…HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE THAT THOROUGHLY GOOD THAT ALL ELSE SEEMS INCOMPLETE AND PALE IN  COMPARE??!!!

he is wonderful in every way and i will continue loving him for every day. (but keep this secret to yourself…b/c no one else can know about me.)

 

they come to inspect me tomorrow again…yes, i’m feeling weaker by the moment. she tells me he is only human…and where that IS a fact, he is also so much more that i would like to NOT take tiny steps…i would very much NOT like to be cautious this time…i would like to NOT be afraid…

so very afraid of losing Lilly and him and all that is left at every turn.





Terrorized

27 08 2008

so, yes…i supposed to write about the phone calls…about the phone calls and the games and the Lexus and HIM…the very things that had me sent to the counselor again.

(but Aslan is off-limits…he is strictly off limits, you hear me??!! NEVER in your life have you ever met a man so entirely selfless and amazing and thoughtful…you may not touch him…you may not analyze his actions or who he is, b/c he is the one and only bit of proof left to me that there is kindness in this world! he is everything wonderful and good! you may not criticize or comment on him or his actions…EVER!)

i slipped…that is all…the idiot who said “sticks and stone may break my bone, but names will never hurt me” is just that…and idiot.

b/c names hurt. calling my 6 mos old daughter a “little shit” among other things hurts. it hurts to be called a “whore”, yes. it hurts to be called a “bitch and an ugly cunt.” it hurts to be sent back a package with big black lettering scrawled across the top saying “UNWANTED you fucking cunt!” it really hurts to be called “crazy.” it also hurts to be told he was only using me for sex and that everything he said to me and gave me he had given to her first. it hurts that she can quote him…she can quote us.

but it is what it is…

what hurts more is what she says about him. what she says about him and his sons. they are not “spoiled brats…” they are not “fucking pains in the ass” and Aslan is not “lazy, worthless”…not sometimes…not ever. he does not need to be changed…he does not need to be fixed…he does not need to be controlled…not EVER. he is not in need of a mother…he has one and the one he has is wonderful by every measure. if he was such a “lazy, disgusting, horrible loser and bad fuck,” why would she keep tormenting me to keep him??? (she knows the truth of it…she does know that he is everything worthwhile…he means the world) but saying those things about him…all the time she is mean to him…it just hurts me more (and she/they know it!) b/c i know in my heart that is the life and love he chose.

and to be told that he told her everything and they laugh at me together…that he wanted to fucking punch me too… that i was laughable, but he grew tired and bored of me and just wanted me gone (its not true…he left…he wanted to be with her yes…and he cant be with her and talk to me)

but he’d never hurt me…please God…i need that to be true…

i know what she wrote…what they wrote (not Aslan…never Aslan). maybe it wasnt him “Ozzee”…i always assumed my mystery caller was Jenna (well, no, that’s not true…at first i couldnt…i wouldnt believe that he would share a life with someone so vicious…he has two precious sons…he wouldnt choose someone that would seek to harm someone else… he wouldnt…i couldnt believe it was her. but then Aslan said over and over again it was her…and the things she described…the illicit pics of him that she sent me…it could only be her…who else would have that kind of access to him and to me…she never actually said her name…Morgan said his, but that’s another story…she never actually said her name…and the calls have come in from 11 different numbers) well yeah, at first, Aslan said she had no way to find me…that she never saw his phone…but at first we didnt think it was her (Jenna) and then, as the calls became more frequent…as the messages became more distinct…he even said one of the numbers was actually hers…he believed it to be Jenna…i still didnt want to believe…but after the threats that began in January…i had no choice but to believe it was her. (she knows a great deal about me…all i know about her is her name is Jenna, Aslan said she has a gold house…i know she has a beautiful smile b/c she sent me several pictures…and i know her to be vicious and cruel and threatening…relentless in her pursuit of me and determined…so much so that i was and AM in fear of her… i have done nearly everything she has commanded for the past 6 mos out of fear of what she may be capable of!) but as i said…he claimed not to know how she had access to me…  except well then in February… she saw my luck message to him. (harmless, benign and completely unromantic! just wishing him luck in court.) THEN…that day… she had access…and that simple message made him so upset…losing HER made him so upset. she forwarded me a message in May where he told her he was crying without her (or something like that…i dont go back there anymore) the thought of being without me never had that affect on him. i dont have that affect on anyone

he cant be held accountable from something he doesnt even remember…besides…he made it clear what he felt about me…about Lilly…we were embarrassments for him (though i dont think he remembers exactly why) he said he didnt want his family to meet me…wouldnt bring us to meet any of them for a year after Lilly was born. did Jenna know that? did she laugh at how ashamed of me he was? how could i ever face them when there was so much about me he wanted never to see. (no…he’s a good man…he simply didnt remember that night…he didnt remember…and cant be held responsible for something he cant remember possibly creating…maybe…that small chance that she was…he had no memory…i knew that the day after.)

or maybe…as much as i’m hoping that one moment created ___ he’s always equally hoped it didnt.

so yeah… the game…stupid online…occupy the time while the baby sleeps and you cannot online game. i’m not all that great at games…but i had accumulated loads of money. the first 18 attacks (him, then her…Ozzee, then Klondike Kate) i didnt really pay attention to the names. they sent me to the hospital and i would use the game $$ to pay my way out of the hospital and then WOW…i would have no time to do another move before they attacked again…he would attack first depleting me and sending himself to the hospital…then she would swoop in for the kill. i used the funds to repair myself 3 times only to have them instantly attack again. so then i went away for 20 mins…i came back and found i was once again in the hospital via Ozzee and Klondike Kate…and then the name hit me…

and then the phone rang…well not rang…you’ve seen my phone…it is silent and is held together by duct tape…but it flashes the screen when i have a call… and it was her. “have enough bitch? he wants you gone for good this time! says you need to be sent back to the fucking hospital for real and out of his life.” i hung up…said nothing, but hung up…shortly after…she sent 27 text messages that said the exact same thing.

and i wanted to prove that one was not related to the other…i had no idea how she would have found my game name out of all the others…well except i had told Aslan what it was…only he and a handful of other knew my alias on that game.

and i paid 4 million in recoop fees and they were always there instantly to take me down. if i had gone through 4 million, Ozzee must have blown through 8 million… and he didnt have many assets to begin with…idk how

klondike kate was relentless. i thought for sure after the 1st hr that they’d get bored…but they didnt… i thought after the 2nd hr they’d have something else to do… but they didnt

and then a new call and text came in…”you need the shit beaten out of you and Ozz wants to do it! he wishes you never existed and wants you to die. not a game, for real bitch”

i logged off… i put the phone in the drawer… i grabbed my sleeping baby and crawled into the hall closet and sat there for hours…it was night when i came out

i told myself it wasnt my Aslan. i logged on once more and cautiously went to Mob Wars. of all my millions, i was down to very lil… there were 226 reports of Ozzee and Klondike Kate attacking and killing me, but enough time had passed that i was “healed” again…but no sooner did i put my finger on the mouse pad then they attacked again…tag-teaming me

how many hours…and that had been their sole goal for the day? that is how they spent their day? hovering…stalking…watching and destroying me.

i left them a message on facebook…telling them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day… i text back the number on my phone and told her/them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day…i grabbed Lilly and drove to the store. got on the pay phone and called HIM (not Aslan…HIM…the guy who also took fun and pride in kicking the shit out of me and sending me to the hospital over-and-over again for years…”Gary”/Paul)

i just wanted it over with…i had no place to take Lilly…i had NO ONE to take Lilly…but thought… perhaps… after Aslan (for i was certain it was him then) took his anger out on me…sharing hits and kicks and punches with Paul… that maybe Aslan would take Lilly

he once said he wanted her

no…i wasnt thinking

i was reacting… it is what i do… but then i was hit by the car walking across the parking lot

and recognizing my hysteria was far more than concern for Lilly (she was shielded by my body) and my health… they called in you.

 

and so now…there is the wound for you and she and the others to feed upon. i have come to realize that people find great joy in tearing me apart.

but Aslan is completely off limits…you have never met a man as kind, gentle and thoughtful as he is… he and Lilly are my world! he is my hope for one day…he is my proof in goodness. you may not touch him!!!

 

 

(and yet i do remember…i put myself into these jeopardies…wanting so badly to be with him and finding any means necessary to get back to him. Eric and Dave should never have made him feel so low and useless. the lawyers had no business telling him that he was inappropriate and unacceptable. he should have known in my heart what the truth was…no matter how many times he leaves. i risked it all to come back! i remember it well!!! i would do it again in a heart Goodman aptbeat if he just understood his value…even if it meant that in effort to earn his greatest happiness i had to deal with Paul again…even if it meant facing Paul again to satisfy Aslan’s girl’s need for revenge and torture…. i remember where i was 1 yr ago and 2 yrs before that. she tries to rewrite or to tell me my version is completely wrong…but Aslan Sweeney is my proof that goodness does exist…i would do anything for that. i remember this even if he sometimes forgets! even if he forgets what the pic signifies…i will remember)