ache

17 05 2009

i watched as the words appeared on the screen…lines of words marching up. i breathed in deeply to silence my shaking heart and watched mutely as the phantom words appeared again.

(oh God, i miss you!!)

i know…it was a message sent on air, like mine…though i’m not certain how you could access me. you had deleted me or blocked me and i was invisible to the world. my head pounding with screams and tears flowing freely down my face…while i sat there powerless to be. knowing that if i had uncloaked you would have instantly disappeared. so i just watched your words…smiling because it was you, but aching so badly because it wasnt me.

it may have been the time the message was sent… or the simple lines “k not being sarcastic there. i know you will find this and think that, but that was an sincear [sic] smile.” (maybe you will not remember it was sent at all…trivial things)

it had never actually crossed my mind that you were being insincere until you spoke those words…and even then i could not believe you were being [had ever been?] insincere because you were making reference to Lilly (it was part of who you are…putting the children first)…but why then would you suggest that i would assume you were being sarcastic? true, you have a very deep vein of sarcasm, but…saying that …

does that mean everything me was…

no…you would not have remained had i reappeared, would you? you would have hastily shutdown as before or made your polite excuses and run. so i sat quietly and stared at my fingers. willed them not to move. looked down in shame…because my silence may have not let on that your kind words were greatly appreciated.

you said something…smiles!!!

but still…do you know how much a passing thought of you makes me swoon instantly…swoon, long and ache

why is everything us so difficult. why must it always be forbidden…you insisting i wait to introduce Lilly to your parents (because of things and stuff and how bad the reality of us looks) and others…drs, hospital rules for my “protection”, and your ex/current gfs web of messages…always…ALWAYS making me feel like i’m what corrupts your otherwise normal life.

no…you could not want me…so i needed to remain silent. i have always felt too insignificant to ask…and so i will silently ache.

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Aslan’s Mountains

5 05 2009

aslan-at-the-top-of-nys

because that’s who he is…aslan-at-the-top 

he goes away but doesnt forget me

taking me with him where ever he goes

and he has been to some of the most amazing places… do you see those mountain tops…waterfall-may-2009

i am still recovering…my left eye is bad and i cannot make it down the street… but with him i have strength

and from him i see so many things i could never imagine. “don’t worry baby…there is this one place in White ______ where we can drive right up”

snowpacked-trail-may-2009

here in May and there is still snow on the trail (he is patient and explains all)

and he couldnt wait to share what he saw with me… couldnt wait to talk with me.

(to all you doubters that make me feel low and like i do not know…he loves me…got it… he loves me and the baby and he will never leave us…he would never hurt her or i like that…got it… you are wrong…i belong ONLY with him and he wants only me…got it…do you see now???? it is real…it is true…he isn’t using me… and the fact that i cant walk far or may be in a wheelchair when i am very old because of all this now…the fact that i have scars and damage …he loves me…he has really left her and really doesnt want to go back to that other girl…dont you see? he has proven it!!! got it??? he wont abandon me…this proves it…you see??? i am what he wants… he stayed for months…he has been for years…he came back to campfire-by-aslan-may-2009stay just as he promised he would stay and not pressure…because he loves me …do you see? i did not judge wrong…i am not being foolish or naive…he is not using me…he wants a life with Lilly and i and he will not leave! he knows that i cannot be part-time or now-and-again girl. he knows that Lilly needs more than i had…she needs more than occasional weekend daddy. he will never break our hearts!!! do you see? he wants me by his side forever…Aslan Sweeney loves Melissa Eider!!!)

and to make me feel as if i were there beside him…he made me this:

Panorama of mountainss on CleVR.com

 

he loves me…do you see? even though i am banged up and they say scary things about my eye…he loves me!  you are wrong…he intends to stay forever!! he loves me!!! even if my “want” and my “can” may not match for a bit…you are wrong… he is MY Aslan and he is as enduring as those mountains!!

so i do not want to wait for your indefinite timeline of proof Dr. Bennett. i want to bring Aslan home. i will bring Aslan home…to late for the night…but i will bring him home tomorrow after my appt. he loves me…do you see? he will stay with me because he love me above all others (except his son and Lilly)

i know your tired now Aslan…smiles and kisses and sweet dreams…

(and he will come home tomorrow and stay forever! it is NOT too prideful to tell him where. it’s not to vain to ask. it is NOT too expectant to want him and everything else. i am not misjudging or misreading because he chose me…you see? someone CHOSE me!)

 





miss you

3 05 2009

coming-home

he sent this to me this morning…i opened it after church

(and giggled to myself with a joke only i would find funny…”Moses is coming down from his mountain”…i know…lame!)

i miss the nearness of him.





and i love him

1 03 2009

Lilly cries…we have been walking the house for hours… everytime i try to sit there is something about the lack of movement that makes her uncomfortable and so she shrieks again.  her tiny throat is red and i can see the white bumps within…it must be burning her…she has a fever and a goopy looking rash about her neck…and though her head bobs from exhaustion…though both our heads bob from exhaustion we must walk b/c she cries.

i grabbed the wrong phone and called the service. habit b/c the last time she was sick we called on the duct taped phone. habit? exhausted decisions.

exhausted b/c i spent over 13 hrs at work…most of it on my feet and feel myself stumbling…the ache in my joints…my stupid hips and left leg

and moments ago i did the unspeakable…b/c i’m so sore and tired and she cries… i did the unthinkable. i grabbed the correct phone and after calling the service again and being told i could bring Lilly to the office if i called after 8AM….i did the unthinkable and dialed his number hoping he would come save me

he has told me before it is not his job to save me…i know…

i was weak…for a moment i was even less than i normally am…and i was weak and i wanted to have his strong arms to help me…to help us. i am such an awful single parent … he would know exactly what to do… he always does if i just listen… if i just let myself trust him without adding and multiplying the number of times his actions werent…idk…. i need to stop exponentially measuring disappointment and worries… i know… like the letter…no signs…

it is what it is

but i am tired and my back, leg and hips hurts so entirely much… i nearly disturbed his sleep so that he would run and comfort me… no doubt momentarily picturing the whole rescue scenario where he would come and comfort me and magically quiet Lilly…b/c he can?

no… i wanted him for me… to pamper and fuss and hold me. i am exhausted and aching to the point that i cannot feel my left foot touching the floor beneath it…

and what i really wanted was love

 

not any token effort…i wanted his love… b/c it is a precious prize…wrapped aroung me

 

though he does not… i know

 

and here leaning against the counter in my kitchen…bouncing a crying baby on my hip

alone

oh God i do feel so alone and unworthy

 

i love him… and i was nearly selfish enough in my wants and needs to

 

but that is not who we are… that is not who i am…i am confused… he would not have come over…and i possess less than what i once had… three years ago this week

but i truly do love him

8 AM is 2 hrs and 39 mins away…until then (and for a long time after) it is just Lilly and i





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13 01 2009

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Lilly’s tree

16 12 2008

this was not exactly the way i had hoped it would be… i imagined him with us, helping us pick it out

do i sound disappointed? idk…resigned or relieved or…idk…i guess there isnt a word b/c although a part of me is very sad that i’ve somehow flushed another dream…he made the process ok by telling me to get her a tree.

i had his permission to do this alone, b/c i think he weighed everything (as he always does…b/c his whole “thinking” process actually yields something…hehe) and as he considered everything, he saw a bigger picture than i did.

Lilly…the kids come first. he got a tree for his kids…separate and having nothing to do at all with us…and then he told me to get one. “get Lilly a tree” is what he told me. and so i did. separate for separate lives…b/c that is what it needs to be. (it was only a silly dream anyhow. he is far more practical and thoughtful)

and we no sooner got the bugger back in the house and propped in a stand in the front window (not gracefully at all) then the dryer broke.

(i have mentioned my knack at grabbing for something wanted and losing something else? pfft…the dryer’s under warranty…i only wish my relationships came with a warranty. lol)

Lilly’s tree is in the front window. we wrapped it with white lights (of the non-blinking variety). it looks clean.

he made it ok. i remembered to breathe and also remembered that it was his idea (which made the whole process easietreer…i dont think he told me to do it out of frustration.)

Mrs. V. took an outside pic of the tree for Lilly and i. the pic looks other-worldly…it is caused by the glare from the window panes against the lights. the pic grows on you. Lilly and i have a Christmas tree.

i was looking for ornaments…thought i’d make one with Lilly’s name and birthdate on it for her first Christmas…but neither store had pink ornaments.

i like pink.

once upon a time i had a tinkerbelle ornament too, i think…like so many things from that time…idk what became of it. Aslan had a Santa for the top of his tree…i wanted a fairy on top of mine.

i didnt find one.

i do feel bad (idk why these things always make me feel like i’ve cheated on him some how)…disappointed and thrilled all at once. we have a tree! it is in the front room safely behind closed doors so Lilly can look but cant get hurt.

there is a squeaky cow, a fish and a stuffed monkey in the creche’…(Lilly decided to help) hehe… and an evergreen wreath on the door…none of it was how i dreamed it would be…but it will do…

they are coming to my house on Wednesday to inspect me. they may wonder why i spent my money and time on things so frivolous as a lit tree, wreath and creche’. i will always seem to have reason to worry… likewise i will always have reason to be insecure about Aslan…but tonight as Lilly drank her final bottle we sat beneath our tree and sang “twinkle twinkle little star” (she has recently picked up the movement of raising and moving her hand to the “up above the world so high…” lyric) we’re ok.

he told me to get her a tree…i choose to believe it was not b/c he’s giving up all hope and is exiting again, but b/c he chose to put Lilly first…b/c he truly does love her.

 

incase you didnt know…i love them both so very much!

 

4 AM update:  let’s remember the order very clearly…yes, i received the messages from her/the others and yes, he messaged me moments later saying nearly the same thing. it’s Christmas time…predictably so, people go out. he was going to call me when he got home. he did call me before he went to bed. (see, he kept his word!) he gave me his quiet, sweet voice as the last thing of the night even though i had fallen asleep…

i just couldnt keep my eyes open a moment longer…i sent him a message wishing him good night at some point, but he became interested in a movie. it happens…it was probably a very interesting movie…hehe… people do that too. stating obvious human patterns does nothing…i will remember that. the movie was probably a favorite and he became caught up in the best part knowing he would call me right after. suggesting it wasnt a movie to erode me again will not work today. i am not his invisible fence. he does not need to call me at every step or before he wipes his nose! he is not on a short leash. he thinks of me, he calls me…but he does have a life separate from me and always will!! i know what you are doing…but he did call me last night and left me a sweet message. i have erased all others. i choose to believe him…i choose to believe his words always. his message was there under yours when i awoke at 2. yes, yours scared me for a moment, but he called…just as he said he would. there…always as he said he is. you cannot touch that regardless of what she tells you! he is far more thoughtful and truthful than what you paint and yes, i do love him…stupid as i may be in your eyes…it is not a wasted sentiment!





it must have been a dream i had

1 12 2008

i smiled

and laughed…freely laughed over silliness of a simple word

and played

(it was odd too, for Lilly,who normally fights for the object…was quite content hearing who she wanted only briefly and then happy to be in the presence of me and a world of nonsense responses…she seemed most satisfied with the mood and crawled away to snuggle with a now-near-empty photobook…comforted enough by the sounds around her to fall asleep…all being right with her lil world.)

and i was sooooo very happy for almost and hour

(but it vanished again)

i want to get back to that sweet place…it seemed so real for a bit …so real that i felt that strange feeling of confidence starting to build again

(it is gone now…completely)

it is morning and i have awoken with renewed fear (what will she do now?)

it was only a dream that i had…nothing real…no right to ask him to come…to visit… to stay…(dreams dont stay)

oh, but this one i really wanted to hold for then and always

smiles…smirks…tracing the edges…tracing around the edge of his right ear…and whispering…yes…around the edges of his hairline…and down his neck…yes…around his back…and pulling him closer…yes…untucking his shirt… and riding the amazing possibilities…YES!

yes

yes

yes… i wanted to hold that one for a lil while longer (and then forever)

but i did not hear the door…and the dream was broken apart when Bryan walked in “to check on me” (he was not part of the dream…)

i wish to go back to the land of “Yes!” (it is unsafe) but oh, for a moment i forgot everything (lists, orderly lines, worries and stupid promises and fears disappear in its company)

smiles and kisses