24 11 2008

i’ve been lying here a bit…again

that numb tingled state after a much-needed and very overdue 2 hours of contiguous sleep.

the Buffalo Bills won (shhh… of course we know they should have won against KC…but dont say that too loud or the fates will hear and spoil their chances with SF)

sleeping-2i smile b/c Lilly and i desperately needed that sleep…it has been a while…in fact, i was wholly unaware that i was asleep…until, of course, i awoke to Lilly crawling over the top of me and conversing with the dead phone…

she seemed happy…squeals and giggles and “me-dahs”…and the ocassional “muah” b/c kissing sounds are her trademark lately (well, when she’s not been sick).

i will let her play with it a bit longer…it’s dead or the battery has slipped from its duct-taped case. idk… it’s good to see her giggle again… it has been a few days. (and she loves what that phone has come to represent in her tiny lifetime.)

sleeplessness may have directly altered my perception… we are hunkered down in the kitchen behind the pennisula…though the house is a fortress of locks and barricades. my counselor talked me down… there is very lil i can do about certain situations (and there is nothing i will do in other situations…it would end up hurting the one i want to hurt the least!)

i guess it all really doesnt matter…Lilly’s giggling and i have awoken from a couple pleasant memories and one incredible dream…i will lie here and blush a few moments more in the hazy remnants…unfinished, but yeah…

and when i can regain my focus…i will need to make several orderly lists to carry me through what needs to be done in the real world…for the rest of the week.


three for three


2 AM update: mmm… there are times (many, many frequent times) that i wish you never had a gf…i know you do… i’ve come to realize you did from the start and when i found out about her it took all my strength (and then some) to be good …to stay away… (b/c i never wanted you for a night…you, my dearest love, were meant to be savored…rinsed and repeated…every inch kissed and explored and touched…BIG SMILES). and times…like now… i can still so clearly hear your voice in my head… deep, low and seductively sweet. and at this moment…i want to taste and …ooo the things i want to do to you…. i sooo wanna play (!!!!!)


2 11 2008

we were sent home…

i have never been sent home from a job in my life…he said i was worthless to him tonight.

Lilly is wide awake…she has on her explorer’s face, revelling in the fact that she is home and without walls or confines of the crib for a night, no doubt.

she pushes herself up on her knees and rocks back…then looks up at me and smiles…a free daring smile.  the quilts make the process slippery…and she often splats back down to her belly…but she doesnt give up, our lil one…in moments she’s back up and she wants me to chase (or at least pretend i’m gonna chase).

i was sent home… (ok…i know i was a bit shakey…it happens… but i was doing fine and we needed the money!)


and i know you said secret, but that didnt stop my dumb foolish brain from planning…from thinking…that maybe after your game last week you’d come by…i left the door unlocked for you…

stupid, stupid, worthless, scarred, ugly girl and her foolish dreams… wanting a family…wanting Lilly to have…(grabbing…always grabbing at unraveling threads)

a fool’s dream that you’d come by…because you wanted to…bringing the boys…because you wanted to…and the 5 of us would have a picnic upon the quilts (because i have no furniture…we’d tell the boys it was a picnic on purpose)…and if it were cold, you’d light a fire in the fireplace…we’d let the boys explore the house…pocket doors, hidden cabinets…lil boys love that! you’d relax knowing it was ok to let them run and explore and make themselves at home. always here it is ok…always


but i heard your voice…didnt listen to what you said or pay attention to when or how…just heard your voice and i started dreaming…just like you taught me…and i thought from your voice…i made myself believe in things that couldnt be…that never were supposed to be…EVER…REALLY, I’VE UNDERSTOOD THAT FOR YEARS NOW!!!

like how you would come by…and grant me 4 wishes (the greatest of those being forgiveness…forgiving me for being sooooo entirely awful and cruel to you…forgiving me for being neglectful, nagging, and nothing to the most wonderful man ever created!)

except you never called again…the curiosity lost its whatever

and you never called again

and i know why

they sent me home tonight too…unwanted