wants, needs and other useless failures

21 12 2008

it was a simple request…not so much a request as a promise…he’d call me when he got home. all i had to do was wait up… I FAILED

 

i do not want to forget a particular memory. i have little evidence that it happened as 17 recent messages (not from him) erased some of my most precious cache. (though i dont think she/they realize that they are able to do that…)

i dont want to forget the night he called…drunk of course…but i would like to think that did not alter the conversation’s sincerity (though they tell me that he will be turning 30 and is acting in desperation, not out of anything deeper…that he will not stay with the likes of me. he will leave me again). i just dont want to forget the words…the wants and needs that spilled one onto the next.

yes, i’m crazy. he said that over and over countless times. i’m crazy…where at first that cut (i have strived so hard to NOT be inherently crazy…you have no idea…pretending i have a past, a life and generally look like anybody else you pass on the street…EPIC FAIL). he realizes i’m crazy? does he fear i am like my mom? (the fear i struggle with every day?)

yes, Dr. Bennett says i’m not bi-polar. my stuff has nothing to do with chemical imbalance. my stuff has to do with surviving. surviving things and stuff. repetitively. for years. at different hands. my stuff has to do with a disproportionate number of memories forged in fear where i am running, hiding, and fruitlessly praying that the brutal things and stuff will stop. that their anger and need to hurt will stop…that the switch that randomly effects their mood will turn off…those people who can appear oh so sugary-sweet and professional, but carry beneath them a second darker identity they unleash on the weak few at whim (just for the sport of it)

my things and stuff is b/c i survived. and i cant put it to words…the mounds and mountains of it all. it frustrates them all that i cannot…b/c if i do…it will all come tumbling out and they will lock me away…not believing…not wanting to hear…so i shut it down and hide it and myself away…in fragmented life and thought (and a great deal of shame for not being better)

like these ellipses… careful, cautious…doing as i’m told and praying no one gets hurt.

but then sweetness happens…yes, he was drunk…but when you can count so few pieces of sweetness in the world…drunk sweetness and being called crazy are not entirely so bad.

yes, he knows i’m crazy. but that night he wanted to marry me and give me his children. two more (though it would be certain they would be boys, for he is quality…hehe) two children with me. with me

(ok, i acknowledge that perhaps it may have been recycled a bit like she/they say he recycles…but i’m willing to entertain the possibility that the intial dream was his…not girl-specific…and he was just waiting for the right girl to come along who wanted to share that dream…a girl who valued having HIS children greater than anyone elses b/c a promise of a lifetime and family made with him is the greatest of all)

and that night…right along with the many sweet things… he counted Lilly among his children. he acknowledge her as his. he will never know how much that meant to me above all else. (as i pointlessly attempt to fix in her life all that was wrong in mine…a want for no one ever to abandon her and perhaps a fulltime daddy…or at least someone acting like he wants the role…lil girls need a daddy more than anything in the world… a strong man to show the way of how to find a love of their own one day… a man to show his lil girl how important she is and what kind of man she should look for for the rest of forever…you know? a lil girl needs a real daddy most of all)

but it was so very much more…that conversation until 2 AM…where he was cooking stew and spaghetti sauce? and then leaving them upon the stove overnight (amid my giggles…i can only imagine what that kitchen looked like that night…lol)…and i dont want to forget a moment of it…the sweetness…HIS sweetness…a sweetness and revelations he spoke about himself …all of it that spins about in my head making everything ok…(even now when it feels as if my emotions are flipping wildly themselves in desperation and uncertainty…oh God, Dr. Bennett says i’m not like HER…this is all b/c i survived…all of this…b/c i survived and nothing else)

though i fear…and though i know i will be left again…b/c who really wants crazy damaged girl?

i had 4 hours of sweetness…i document it here b/c you cant duplicate that kind of sweetness…you cant fabricate it (i have tried to generate it since that night and have FAILED…hopeful conversations that only result in reminding me that i’m messing things up) but, still, i document it here, so that i will remember it always…the sweetness.

it happened…and then he told me he loved me. and moments after our conversation ended…he messaged me that he loved me too (so that i would never forget…the sweetness)

and for that moment…i thought i could be normal and oh sooooo very happy. (maybe living in this neighborhood wouldnt be so bad afterall) he wants to give me his children…two more…fill my belly… fat with his children… SMILES

 

i should have stayed awake for him and oh, so much more…it was truly a small request and maybe there would have been more sweetness waiting there if i had. but i failed again… and now it will take every memory i have to build the nerve to ___________ sweetness is so rare…i need every bit of it…it nourishes my broken soul (ok…i guess you cant know that part of it…no one does…what a struggle it is to look up…or to look up again once i have failed him) i just wanted his sweetness for a bit longer…that’s all…i am petrified of my phone once more…wants, needs and the usual failures…that’s me…yes…but i need to hold tight to the memory of that once upon a time conversation…it will not come again.

meh…i need to be called into work or bake or something…i cannot fix this…i cannot fix me…i need to be productive so i can forget…

all my flaws and short-comings…all my great failures and incompetencies

I JUST NEEDED TO STAY AWAKE UNTIL HE GOT HOME AND DO WHAT HE ASKED! DO WHAT HE WANTED! MAKE MYSELF OF SOME USE TO HIM!!!! HIS SWEETNESS WILL NOT COME AGAIN!!!

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Terrorized

27 08 2008

so, yes…i supposed to write about the phone calls…about the phone calls and the games and the Lexus and HIM…the very things that had me sent to the counselor again.

(but Aslan is off-limits…he is strictly off limits, you hear me??!! NEVER in your life have you ever met a man so entirely selfless and amazing and thoughtful…you may not touch him…you may not analyze his actions or who he is, b/c he is the one and only bit of proof left to me that there is kindness in this world! he is everything wonderful and good! you may not criticize or comment on him or his actions…EVER!)

i slipped…that is all…the idiot who said “sticks and stone may break my bone, but names will never hurt me” is just that…and idiot.

b/c names hurt. calling my 6 mos old daughter a “little shit” among other things hurts. it hurts to be called a “whore”, yes. it hurts to be called a “bitch and an ugly cunt.” it hurts to be sent back a package with big black lettering scrawled across the top saying “UNWANTED you fucking cunt!” it really hurts to be called “crazy.” it also hurts to be told he was only using me for sex and that everything he said to me and gave me he had given to her first. it hurts that she can quote him…she can quote us.

but it is what it is…

what hurts more is what she says about him. what she says about him and his sons. they are not “spoiled brats…” they are not “fucking pains in the ass” and Aslan is not “lazy, worthless”…not sometimes…not ever. he does not need to be changed…he does not need to be fixed…he does not need to be controlled…not EVER. he is not in need of a mother…he has one and the one he has is wonderful by every measure. if he was such a “lazy, disgusting, horrible loser and bad fuck,” why would she keep tormenting me to keep him??? (she knows the truth of it…she does know that he is everything worthwhile…he means the world) but saying those things about him…all the time she is mean to him…it just hurts me more (and she/they know it!) b/c i know in my heart that is the life and love he chose.

and to be told that he told her everything and they laugh at me together…that he wanted to fucking punch me too… that i was laughable, but he grew tired and bored of me and just wanted me gone (its not true…he left…he wanted to be with her yes…and he cant be with her and talk to me)

but he’d never hurt me…please God…i need that to be true…

i know what she wrote…what they wrote (not Aslan…never Aslan). maybe it wasnt him “Ozzee”…i always assumed my mystery caller was Jenna (well, no, that’s not true…at first i couldnt…i wouldnt believe that he would share a life with someone so vicious…he has two precious sons…he wouldnt choose someone that would seek to harm someone else… he wouldnt…i couldnt believe it was her. but then Aslan said over and over again it was her…and the things she described…the illicit pics of him that she sent me…it could only be her…who else would have that kind of access to him and to me…she never actually said her name…Morgan said his, but that’s another story…she never actually said her name…and the calls have come in from 11 different numbers) well yeah, at first, Aslan said she had no way to find me…that she never saw his phone…but at first we didnt think it was her (Jenna) and then, as the calls became more frequent…as the messages became more distinct…he even said one of the numbers was actually hers…he believed it to be Jenna…i still didnt want to believe…but after the threats that began in January…i had no choice but to believe it was her. (she knows a great deal about me…all i know about her is her name is Jenna, Aslan said she has a gold house…i know she has a beautiful smile b/c she sent me several pictures…and i know her to be vicious and cruel and threatening…relentless in her pursuit of me and determined…so much so that i was and AM in fear of her… i have done nearly everything she has commanded for the past 6 mos out of fear of what she may be capable of!) but as i said…he claimed not to know how she had access to me…  except well then in February… she saw my luck message to him. (harmless, benign and completely unromantic! just wishing him luck in court.) THEN…that day… she had access…and that simple message made him so upset…losing HER made him so upset. she forwarded me a message in May where he told her he was crying without her (or something like that…i dont go back there anymore) the thought of being without me never had that affect on him. i dont have that affect on anyone

he cant be held accountable from something he doesnt even remember…besides…he made it clear what he felt about me…about Lilly…we were embarrassments for him (though i dont think he remembers exactly why) he said he didnt want his family to meet me…wouldnt bring us to meet any of them for a year after Lilly was born. did Jenna know that? did she laugh at how ashamed of me he was? how could i ever face them when there was so much about me he wanted never to see. (no…he’s a good man…he simply didnt remember that night…he didnt remember…and cant be held responsible for something he cant remember possibly creating…maybe…that small chance that she was…he had no memory…i knew that the day after.)

or maybe…as much as i’m hoping that one moment created ___ he’s always equally hoped it didnt.

so yeah… the game…stupid online…occupy the time while the baby sleeps and you cannot online game. i’m not all that great at games…but i had accumulated loads of money. the first 18 attacks (him, then her…Ozzee, then Klondike Kate) i didnt really pay attention to the names. they sent me to the hospital and i would use the game $$ to pay my way out of the hospital and then WOW…i would have no time to do another move before they attacked again…he would attack first depleting me and sending himself to the hospital…then she would swoop in for the kill. i used the funds to repair myself 3 times only to have them instantly attack again. so then i went away for 20 mins…i came back and found i was once again in the hospital via Ozzee and Klondike Kate…and then the name hit me…

and then the phone rang…well not rang…you’ve seen my phone…it is silent and is held together by duct tape…but it flashes the screen when i have a call… and it was her. “have enough bitch? he wants you gone for good this time! says you need to be sent back to the fucking hospital for real and out of his life.” i hung up…said nothing, but hung up…shortly after…she sent 27 text messages that said the exact same thing.

and i wanted to prove that one was not related to the other…i had no idea how she would have found my game name out of all the others…well except i had told Aslan what it was…only he and a handful of other knew my alias on that game.

and i paid 4 million in recoop fees and they were always there instantly to take me down. if i had gone through 4 million, Ozzee must have blown through 8 million… and he didnt have many assets to begin with…idk how

klondike kate was relentless. i thought for sure after the 1st hr that they’d get bored…but they didnt… i thought after the 2nd hr they’d have something else to do… but they didnt

and then a new call and text came in…”you need the shit beaten out of you and Ozz wants to do it! he wishes you never existed and wants you to die. not a game, for real bitch”

i logged off… i put the phone in the drawer… i grabbed my sleeping baby and crawled into the hall closet and sat there for hours…it was night when i came out

i told myself it wasnt my Aslan. i logged on once more and cautiously went to Mob Wars. of all my millions, i was down to very lil… there were 226 reports of Ozzee and Klondike Kate attacking and killing me, but enough time had passed that i was “healed” again…but no sooner did i put my finger on the mouse pad then they attacked again…tag-teaming me

how many hours…and that had been their sole goal for the day? that is how they spent their day? hovering…stalking…watching and destroying me.

i left them a message on facebook…telling them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day… i text back the number on my phone and told her/them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day…i grabbed Lilly and drove to the store. got on the pay phone and called HIM (not Aslan…HIM…the guy who also took fun and pride in kicking the shit out of me and sending me to the hospital over-and-over again for years…”Gary”/Paul)

i just wanted it over with…i had no place to take Lilly…i had NO ONE to take Lilly…but thought… perhaps… after Aslan (for i was certain it was him then) took his anger out on me…sharing hits and kicks and punches with Paul… that maybe Aslan would take Lilly

he once said he wanted her

no…i wasnt thinking

i was reacting… it is what i do… but then i was hit by the car walking across the parking lot

and recognizing my hysteria was far more than concern for Lilly (she was shielded by my body) and my health… they called in you.

 

and so now…there is the wound for you and she and the others to feed upon. i have come to realize that people find great joy in tearing me apart.

but Aslan is completely off limits…you have never met a man as kind, gentle and thoughtful as he is… he and Lilly are my world! he is my hope for one day…he is my proof in goodness. you may not touch him!!!

 

 

(and yet i do remember…i put myself into these jeopardies…wanting so badly to be with him and finding any means necessary to get back to him. Eric and Dave should never have made him feel so low and useless. the lawyers had no business telling him that he was inappropriate and unacceptable. he should have known in my heart what the truth was…no matter how many times he leaves. i risked it all to come back! i remember it well!!! i would do it again in a heart Goodman aptbeat if he just understood his value…even if it meant that in effort to earn his greatest happiness i had to deal with Paul again…even if it meant facing Paul again to satisfy Aslan’s girl’s need for revenge and torture…. i remember where i was 1 yr ago and 2 yrs before that. she tries to rewrite or to tell me my version is completely wrong…but Aslan Sweeney is my proof that goodness does exist…i would do anything for that. i remember this even if he sometimes forgets! even if he forgets what the pic signifies…i will remember)