too scared to move

19 08 2008

Saturday, May 03, 2008

8:20 AM – my final chapter
Current mood:

i give up. it all fell to pieces and i give up!
i’m a fan of dumb romances…predictable, steamy dumb romances…the kind where the beautiful but unfortunate heroine meets her match in the dark, mysterious roge…the aloof playboy who doesn’t seem to be able to be tamed by anyone but HER (though she NEVER wanted to tame him)…and yeah…there is a bit of turmoil…and an ex or bad timing or a conflict or challenges that appears to be holding them apart indefinitely
but u know…as the pages wind down…and the sex winds up… u just know that they will be together by the last page…and forever beyond
dumb romances have specific formulas, yes…but what we love most about them is that they have a satisfying resolution… everyone gets to live happily ever after (or at least, even in “The Notebook,” you knew there were years of unwritten happiness that occurred between the huge get-them-together sex scene and the ending…face it…their ending was great b/c the died in each other’s arms… *sign* true romance!!!!)
i have been loved…or at least i want to believe i have been loved…

more passionately…more wildly…more inexplicably than any other girl on this planet. the love story i have lived for the past two years would out-shine any epic love story ever written…by far

i feel it…with ever renewed breath i take…every thought of him (and trust me…there are very few moments when i can break from my thoughts of him)…my heart, my head…everything wrapped about such deep and enduring feelings for a man, whose likeness i have never met before, nor will i likely meet again.

swept up still in feelings which i need to believe were genuine…more real than anyone else could ever possibly experience or image. ours was a powerful love…all consuming…penetrating and lasting love…

(i’m pretty sure…well…mostly sure…at least my end of it was i guess…maybe not his end…though he did put on a nice show)

lasting that is…until the final chapter

for in this particular story…there is no satisfying ending…no resolution…and certainly no clock-stopping wall-melting sex to punctuate a happily-ever-after with.

there was of course potential for those…but the authors of this particular love story have decided to conclude with unrest and unwant. uncertainty and fear…much like there are dark comedies…i do believe i’m in a dark romance…

the wretching turns and downward spirals have left me exhausted to a degree that i cannot find relief from…there is no happily anything…absolutely nothing to look forward to or wake up for (assuming you can sleep through this nightmare!)…just misery and want and a cold, hollow loneliness that cannot be touched

i have sat in this mire of hopelessness for nearly two weeks with echoes of “i hate you so much right now!” ringing in my ears…the last clear memory of his voice, though he did say hours worth of things to me after that…i’m pretty sure they were kinder…but damn, i do feel like maybe i made some of that up…now like Miss. Haversham, i’m not sure i can pick out the realities of what i was offered…yes, that is all i can hear his voice saying now

and there is no escape

no will to move on

no point to anything

i am exhausted by this life and need release from it now!

a tragic but unchangeable final chapter to a very sad story with a moment of warmth and great promise only….but not enough to last longer than that moment. not anything anyone was willing to hang about for very long…

the clock ran out… and all evidence of the love story was erased…forgotten by all but the stupid, foolish heroine who sits abandoned with her empty memories… and the cruel realization that all the words spoken to her were merely a rehearsal for someone else

until even she gave up…to the only peaceful release that was left for her…and found THE END!





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Saturday, April 19, 2008


4:52 AM – father forgive me for i have sinned…
Current mood: humbled
Category: humbled

father forgive me for i have sinned…

how do i tell him? it is a life he knows through only words and the sound of fear in my voice.

he couldnt be expected to understand what it is like…the having nothing

no mom, brother or grandparents to run to when things get difficult or messy

and i am messy…

i have been left with no way to tell him

no way to confide in my confidant…my soul mate…my heart

how do you tell the man you love that you are too afraid to move

how do you tell him that they/she have been calling and messaging from nearly the day he tried to return

how do you tell him that Beverly is where Em lived and where you stayed when they wouldnt let you go home


that the place he thinks you live isnt…(though there are things he says that hint that he really knows)

how do you apologize to him for constantly CONSTANTLY being taken off the street

with Lilly…endangering Lilly!!!

and being made unclean…allowing foul beasts to make you unclean again…oh God, i am sorry Aslan…i am sorry!!

i cant go back into the hospital…please!!!

please Aslan…come home!! please want to come home!!!

i fear that not only did you stop loving me…but somewhere along the way you stopped actually liking me

please Aslan…you hear the words but you just dont know

since before December i have been truly messed up

and too afraid to move for fear of losing even more

you hear the words…but you dont know

the whole world fell apart in one weekend last Oct

and i have been attempting to hold it together with tufts of broken string

i cannot tell you these things or about them because you will think i am blaming you

i would never do that! i have never done that and i would never do that

but i alone know how fragile you are…i want to confide…i want to tell

but i dont want to make you feel defensive…please

i couldnt bear it if you ever grew to hate me

dismissing me is hard enough

all these things torment me in ways you can only hear (but not feel)

please want to come home!

and when you get here…grant me 4 wishes

the greatest of which is forgiveness

i am too scared to move














Monday, March 31, 2008

10:52 AM – patterns
Current mood: humbled
Category: humbled

the undeniable patterns of life… the under-current and rhythm to each day and each season…a relaxed sigh of the inevitable that you know you simply cant change or call back…and so you float along…a stick in a stream
oh sure, you may get caught up in a whirlpool or crag for a bit…but the forces of fate always push their will through…and there you are, once again, bobbing and adrift in someone else scheme…
for every inhale there is an exhale (until death)…for every object a shadow (in a location and length predetermined by the someone else’s glow)…and so too are patterns of all things coming and going…
geese foretell the coming of spring and then later, as the year ages beyond redemption, they bid a final farewell to passing of kind weather…formed in their eternal migration V as if just beyond them lies all hope and they are pointing to it.
i have been adrift for a while…probably nothing quite so sturdy as a stick…but mindless debris floating without power for quite some time anyways…i have been broken roughly upon the rocks and pulled beneath the surf countless times until there is lil in the way of will, form or courage

and so i simply am…watching the patterns of entries and exits…helplessly watching…or perhaps the watching makes me helpless…

nah, i’m pretty much drowned with the knowledge of the patterns…yours, mine, theirs

defenseless to stop the imminent, unavoidable, compulsory, irrevocable, necessary and well-traveled route carved by fate

in my case…they are the pattern of coming and going revealed to my phone…

and as always…my response is to go to the church and pray… i cannot change that which i do not possess (i probably wouldnt want to change it even if it was mine to hold)…i cannot hold what is without my grasp…i am quite powerless you see…unprotected and aimless…grabbing for sunsets and moonglow in a battering tempest

and always coming up empty-handed b/c that which i desire most has always been without my reach…(or an angry sound that i am too afraid to face)…i am a frightened and vanishing silhouette, and it is far beyond my many well-grounded limitations





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Saturday, March 15, 2008

2:59 AM – the Lexus came back
Current mood:

i just looked up and it was there…coming down Milburn towards us…i have been laxed and maybe too over-confident. when i saw it i looked down immediately as if looking down as i walk makes Lilly and i invisible…i was hoping maybe he didnt see me…the beige-gold Lexus…maybe it wasnt his and maybe whoever it was didnt see me.
but it made a k-turn and pulled up next to us as we were walking…matching our speed…i didnt look over…but i could see the beige-gold front…i could feel it…the breath of it pressing against me and willing me to stop…to look… blocking me…pulling me in…
i tried to quicken my pace…please just a lil faster and someplace to hide…i turned up the first street and it/he followed…edging slowly along…pacing us.
walking with no place to go and no one to call…b/c u dont understand…the police lead him to me…always…everytime…it’s what happens when u have money in ur pocket…u can buy things…buy loyalties…
i kept walking…walking…futile walking and wanting A****’s voice in my head. what do i do? i k…he’s gone… there’s nothing i can do…i am alone with this and i k exactly how it will turn out

i have ducked in here…typing to spill my fears on an empty page…reading cheery old messages…a bad attempt at soothing myself… we sit here, Lilly and i and i am holding her with one arm (way to tightly b/c idk how much longer i will have this/her) he has moved from the front of the building…but i k…he is just around the corner…just like Parkleigh in July…

and there is nothing to stop it…nothing i can do… except scan the room…

that man at the front with the glasses and dark hair…or maybe the girl who is wiping the table…if i hand them Lilly…if i hand them Lilly…will they take her? if i plead…tell them i’m in trouble and plead with them to keep her safe…would they take my baby…she is such a good girl…she is all i have left in this world…

what will happen to her when i walk out this door? what will happen to her when the Lexus comes back again and gets us?

i need to get to the church…going to keep going and get to the church

i love my lil girl…we need to get to the church…





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Thursday, March 13, 2008

1:51 PM – i’ve been invited out (but why does it feel like cheating?)
Current mood:

early lunchtime? (11:23AM)…back at Spin Caffe with Lilly as i cant manage to keep a solid internet signal at home, but need to finish a couple pieces for work. (ok…that and i’m becoming addicted to their Italian hot chocolate…but i think i’ll have a fuzzy peach smoothie and a chicken panini today…mmmmm!)
and, wow, to further blow my mind… apparently i’m going out fri?
maybe… (except he says i have no choice…and well… i rarely do have choices, huh. “no” doesnt seem to be within my vocabulary. “no, i dont owe u!” “no, i wont work there!” “no, i will choose who i meet up with!” “no, i dont want u to leave, ever!”)
Mark’s mom has offered to watch Lilly…(Lilly’s such a good girl…she’s usually asleep during that time anyways) i probably wont stay long, but have been told i need to network…he’s a friend…he and i went to hs at CA… i’m surprised he actually remembers me sometimes.

i am forgettable and easier to replace than a lightbulb u know.

(ugh…i know…ENOUGH!!)

of course it’s his company that’s in charge…at Pearl Nightclub on East… (have i ever been there? idk)

and as always…his things sound soooooo much fun…well actually it’s sponsored by Grand Marnier and Belvedere Vodka (which makes it sound even MORE fun… i should drink… it’s St. Patrick’s weekend afterall, right? i should drink b/c it’s what u do and i havent in a very long while…sorta been otherwise occupied? nothing of importance…lol)

maybe i’ll just stop in for a bit…i hope i dont embarrass myself (please!)…it’s from 9-11PM… 2 hrs…i should be able to manage 2 hrs, right? please, i’d like to be brave enough to do this!

i sooooo want to go dancing!! he’s right…i need to do this! right?

idk how he expects to pick out my dress, but he says he has it covered…and the babysitter…he’s being sooooo nice! (please dont let me mess up and embarrass my friend. i dont want to ruin his night with an over-panic…ugh…please…i dont want to mess up any more)

he’s right…i need to be more courageous for Lilly.

i want to go dancing!! it has been forever since i have been…i want to go dance and be a ’normal’ 25 yr old…just for a couple hours…ok?

(why do i always ask, like i need anyone’s permission? idk… it’s not like i should feel like i’m cheating… it’s only dancing and drinks with a room full of strangers… and well… what if it’s not…what if it turns into a repeat of my old life from 2.5 yrs ago? it’s not like THAT could be considered cheating…cheating would seem to indicate that i had something bonding with someone…like there was someone actually wanting to be in my life…that’s never been true and it’s not like i should even attempt to pretend to be a good-girl…what for? that apparently was bs…i’m not anything remotely close, right? just look at me? all those things i did b/c i thought it was love? b/c i thought i was being offered love? i’m not the one they love…dazzled blind for a moment, but i’m clear on it now…i’m just a disgusting and dirty tramp that guys pushed to see how far…lied and coaxed to see if i would degrade myself for their amusement…and i did…stupid girl…and they’re right….both of them…all of them…yeah, i thought i was being offered something clean and forever…being given an opportunity to be something… or at least something beyond 5AM…idk…who was i fooling, right? lines, lies, smoke and mirrors…i get invited to places for one reason…i know better now…back to the old ways i guess…that’s what is expected…that’s where i’ll be…that’s who i am and i appreciate the recent reminders…nothing comes without a price tag…no such thing as a free favor…kindness comes at a very steep cost…there is always an expectation…money, sex and ownership…always something…so i’m back to paint a face, and put on my tightest dress and fmps and offer pleasure in the moment… a string and blur of nightly meaningless moments to fill the meaningless and empty hours and weeks. that is who i am, right? nothing more…confused clarity…thank u for the humbling awareness.)

BUT, why then do i feel like i’m cheating?
and why exactly am i both excited and dreading this chance at a normal 25 yr old’s life again?
cant stop shaking…
(AHHHH!!!! i know… ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!)
need to flip the mood back…it’s now 8:52 PM and i’m at MCC…class went well… Lilly behaved herself during her first day at college (such a smart lil girl i have…in college at only a month of age!!! SMILES)

and on a brighter note…so far no phone calls today!! yippee!!!

(idk anyone at those numbers!!! their persistence was scaring me…i worry about what  will happen if i was found? does it matter? nah, it probably doesnt really matter afterall…i know…should just call the numbers back and face w/e needs to be faced…get it over with…like this night out…just get out there…just stop thinking about how slimey and scary the process really is and just face w/e…except…shhh…idk…what if something happens to me? who will take Lilly? that one scares me soooooo completely…please…she cant be unwanted too… or dumped in an unloving home…please?)

right… i know…stop flipping out, right?!
Fri is a simple night out with drinks and dancing and random guys…i’ve done it b4…no big deal! it is what it is… 
(but why does it feel inside like cheating, still? i feel absolutely hollow but at the same time as if i’m betraying him…cheating on him. why? and how did i get from peach fuzzy smoothies and paninis, the joy of Lilly and the chance at dancing to this misery all in one message???? i’m unraveling…please…i’m unraveling and lost without him…please…when will this all stop??? i need to know that the hurting will stop…please????? i need to know how to breathe again without him and i need…i need to know when the pain will stop…please????)

i need to stop thinking and learn how to stop crying at my computer in a public coffee shop… Lilly doesnt know what to do when she sees me crying…her face gets all twisted up in a sympathetic pout…she doesnt know what to do with/for me and idk how to stop…
and then there we are…the two of us teary-eyed and inconsolable…i am a pathetic mother and an even worse 25 yr old!!
time to focus on the good things in life, right? i may not have beaches or an old fat dog…no hand to hold or shoulder to rest on for comfort and support… but i’ve got the most beautiful, bright-blue-eyed daughter who is already proving to have a kind and sympathetic soul, i have a couple of jobs, a roof over my head, and with just enough luck, i may actually finish a college degree by Aug and lose my cane by fall.
(and i was given THE most beautiful dreams and the warmest, most soothing, thoughtful, deep and sweetest-sounding voice to listen to for several months…some people look all their lives for what i was given and never even come close to that perfection!)
is it time to erase things i no longer should have a right to? idk…but it is time to grab Lilly…and her carseat…tell her once again how much he said he wanted to hold her and how much i truly believed his words…

(his last cruel words and vicious names were directed at me alone…and i deserved them, not Lilly)

we will wait for the bus. it has been a very long day and our quilts and pillows in the front room will feel especially welcoming tonight with or without dreams!
goodnight moon…goodnight stars




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Friday, March 07, 2008

10:14 AM – venturing out
Current mood:

i was really planning on staying home…get her home and staying put… i wanted to get my bearings again and build a routine with her
and well…that taxi ride home from the hospital was an experience…i do solemnly swear i am an awkward mother! i decided right there that, though i am relient on public transportation to doctors, school, work etc… i will really need to be selective of how and when…
yeah, i’m sure…one day this will be easier…
and i recognize that the taxi driver did not help the situation…and, yes… i’m regretting tipping her extra out of guilt b/c i forced her to wait in my driveway while i unloaded the baby, the bags of ample supplies the nurses gave me, and then the carseat…(three trips it took) and no…this woman picks a girl with a cane up from the hospital with a month old baby…and it didnt seem to ocur to her to HELP me load or unload…she just sat there rolling her eyes and talking on her cell…
well yeah…i’m prejudice against people who find the need to talk on their cell phones when they should be demonstrating common human courtesies…you know…the husband in the restaurant sharing a romantic meal with his wife, AND CELL PHONE…and the expression, “just lemme take this call”

nothing can diminish human value quite so fast as call waiting and someone your with whipping out their cell phone mid-conversation with you.

ugh…ok…rant over…lol

but after i unpacked all the lovely treasures the nurses from nicu loaded me up with, and fed Lilly, i started that old mental list of things i really should have in the event a storm does hit us this weekend.

so after a considerable pep talk…during which Lilly stared at me wiggling and smiling…oh and yes, i know…the nurses informed me…baby’s dont smile at this age…”it’s just gas”…pfft


ok…smiles=gas? this no doubt explains every contact i’ve ever had with a guy. i shall remember this if i am ever insanely tempted to go out and pick up one at a bar out of sheer loneliness ever again in my life…i will remember…”see that guy over there at the corner table, smiling in my direction? it’s just gas!”


so…anyways…after layering and wrapping Lilly like a cased sausage and placing her in the babysling my neighbor gave me “to ease nursing” (ok…shhh…we wont tell her i’m not nursing…some people, i have found, are militantly sensitive on that point! shhhhhh)…she and i ventured out…taking the long way so as to avoid as much of Park Ave as possible (especially my side of it, which oddly enough doesnt seem as well plowed as the other side of the street)…and we went to EEK, EEK, East Ave Wegmans

i’m not a fan…its crowded and narrow and many of the customers act like they’re superior to you…i felt their disapproving eyes on me the entire time i was there…Lilly had fallen asleep during the walk and remained so for the entire time we were in the store…even after i unloaded her and the sling into a cart to give my shoulder and neck a break…

perhaps they looked disapprovingly b/c i…umm…remembered only after i had a half-filled cart…that i had a baby and a cane and a long walk back home to deal with (see…if you walk there…you’re kinda committed to walk home b/c you didnt bring the carseat…lol)

curse those shopping carts!! greatest marketing ploy of the 20th century…b/c somehow…no matter your organized list…if there is room, you feel obligated to fill it up! DRAT!

so yeah…frowning, disapproving faces as the crazy girl with the baby went back around restocking shelves with things from her cart…lol

in the end…i got only what could fit in my black canvas wegman’s bag: a small pack of diapers (please Lord, let Lilly learn to use the toilet at 3 mos…hehe), a small pack of baby wipes, gentle soap, a pack of 3 bottles with nipples, a bottle brush, a canister of formula, 3 bananas, 2 nectarines, 2 tangerines, 1 qt of 2%, a small box of cereal and romaine.

once through the cashier i strapped back on the sling, loaded Lilly, grabbed the bag and my cane and made my way home (no doubt resembling an ox in full yoke)

i am ungraceful at this… the entire excursion took a lil over 3 hrs. and yes, the snow began as we were walking home…light billowy flakes that stuck to my eyelashes.

we made it home in time to feed Lilly again…each of us covered in sweat… bottle done, baby burped…my shoulder and neck aching… i drew a bath and Lilly and i lounged in the warmth of the tub and water…her curled against my chest and me tracing the wonderfulness of her shoulders to the tips of her tiny fingers…(she is mine!!! she is home and she is mine!!!)


she fell asleep again and did not wake as i dressed her an myself (just in time to let my contractor Bryan in…who timed his arrival to fix the switch on my dumbwaiter perfectly)…

he has started a lovely fire in my downstairs fireplace for me…and Lilly and i are laying on the quilts and pillows here while he works…

i could not maintain a network connection with my laptop, so he has kindly allowed me to type on HIS hand-held phone thingy (which everyone and his brother seems to own except me…)

gadgety stuff that i shall never understand….

i think i will stick to what i do know and go off and make some hot cocoa (i’ll remember my courtesies and offer some to Bryan as well…hehe)

the rest of it i will worry about tomorrow…






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2:32 AM – mystery messengers and others
Current mood:

i get to bring Lilly home today!! currently waiting last minute evaluations and interviews…they have placed me in a room with my carseat and folder filled with paperwork…i’m anxious and i have been bending my checkbook to the point of creases…so once again i have been loaned this hand-held phone thingy on which to browse my mail and whatnot…
just killing time in the world of hurry-up and wait (i have been here since 8:30 AM and this is sheer agony…i hope they dont change their minds!!!!)
i read my messages…some i have avoided out of fear, others b/c i simply have not had access to Myspace. i checked webpages and all e-mails and my phone… and found that i’m back to receiving mystery messages on all fronts again.
yes, i read ALL my messages (except for the duplicate he must have sent…i imagine that he was just eager to have his final sentiment heard…it happens) the friendly and supportive ones i appreciate…the one i feared turned out to be even more harsh than i had expected…and the mystery ones? unnerving
should i remain optimistic? perhaps they were sent in error. afterall, maybe there isn’t this major campaign (underway since last summer) with a decidedly “anti-melissa” platform. one person or a legion of people…idk…the message seems to be one and the same…

(well not his…his was most decidedly NOT sent in error and having read it, i now understand the motivation for the mocking text that followed from him 12 hrs later…4:36 AM on 2/23/08.)

but i cant really think on that atm…just need to clear the rafters of the mystery messengers and tuck his memory safetly away in rose scented tissue paper…

on Myspace… the newest mystery messenger to join the likes of “heyo,” “chocolateface,” “go to hell,” and “fairfaxhippie” is [drumrolll please…] “LOOK INTO HIS EYES WHAT DO U SEE? ME FUXXING HIM

yes, i feel the all-caps approach was a nice artistic touch as well.

i have blocked these people (or person)
i have set my profile to private
yes, i had been assured that there was no possible way he/she could have found access to me on Myspace (just as i was assured that there was no possible way they could EVER get my phone number or be able to read my text messages…pfft)

but oddly enough, like nasty cockroaches, they just keep multiplying…

and, alas… joining the mass of “(no number),” and “(unknown)” listing on my phone are the following numbers (ok…i’ll blank out all but 3 digits just incase someone did indeed call me in error…REPEATEDLY AND AT ALL HOURS) some of these callers left nasty messages, but the majority (though they may have called at 6:08 AM, 6:52 AM, and 3:22 PM on 3/6/08 and wow 2:32 PM today…see message above) left no message at all.  all are in the 585 region.

(585) 261-5156  (u had this coming for calling the most and scaring me!)
(585) ***-355*
(585) ***-471*
(585) ***-379*
(585) ***-845*
(585) ***-630*
(585) ***-083*

lil fyi…only 14 people should know my phone number (that’s including my employers, doctors and a hospital in TX)…there should be no one but those 14 (now 12) who would/should have need to phone me repeatedly.

i am now deleting the numbers from my phone…i do not answer calls from people i do not know… (i learned this the hard way this past January when i actually answered one and witnessed my world and beliefs crumble beneath me…i dont think that number is included in the ones above…he made his point and had no further need to call i suppose.)

mystery messengers are upsetting…i have vented…cleared my phone…and logging off to wait … (cruel, malicious individuals should not have access to innocent children or others…)

i’m bringing my daughter home today!! focus on that!!!!





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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

10:27 PM – a billion and one reasons
Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

i have borrowed a hand-held thingy again. not sure if all i want to say can be said b4 they come back to put that funny smelling mask on me…we all know the procedure, but they “walked” me through it as if i was a novice: step one… the shot, then the mask to help me breathe, then i will be asked to count backwards until i fall asleep…blah, blah, blah
counting backwards is boring and uninspired, and given that this is Valentine’s Day, (though i’ve never had anyone to celebrate with) i started thinking (yes, thinking and list making!) of a better countdown… so many people have always wondered why…so here it is…
a billion and one reasons why it was u…
1. u make me smile
2. millions of IMs back and forth making me feel as if i was worth everything in the world
3. thousands of dollars of phone calls for hrs on end
4. the way we could talk of everything and nothing
5. ur irresistable smirk
6. the way u make ur eyes look in pics when ur trying to appear earnest and sincere
7. the way ur eyes look when ur not even trying
8. letting me leave lil notes in ur pocket (and letting me tell u the story behind “lil notes”)
9.ur voice…soft, deep, kind and intimate as if every word ever spoken was just for me
10.ur voice…playful
11.all-day Sundays and Thursdays (and how ur descriptions had an effect on me!)
12.Z*** and M***
13. the way u shared ur family with me, allowed me to listen in on the tickle-wars or the bathtime “dude, u dont take puzzle pieces in the tub!” parenting skills
14. allowing ur boys to talk to me on the phone or write to me
15. listening to them…cherub babble of Sponge Bob and missing teeth and “Hi Tink, u know what?”
16. listening to ur breathing become deep and sweet as u fall asleep
17. the way u made fun of my lists (and how u distracted me from them)
18. drunk dials from the steps of the church “our church” u had called it, and from a guys wknd at a lakehouse “baby, i want to have a place just like this with u someday!”
19. accepting the green ring
20. the “i dare ya” look
21. the pics u sent…not even knowing about the story of my grandparents…u sent me pics of flowers, rainbows, sunrises, sunsets, ice, snow, ur work, the boys, Italian Christmas Parties w/ ur mom, chickens and whatever else caught ur eye as wonderful and beautiful
22. the way u described things to me when u didnt have ur camera with u
23. sharing Z***’s graduation with me
24. both u and he reading to me
25. calling me during concerts, poker nights, bachelor parties and Knighthawks games just to share what u were doing…just to talk
26. picnics under the trees
27. an old fat dog
28. “relax baby…just breathe…imagine a warm beach and me holding ur hand”
29. new ways  to enjoy football games (hehe…u were always up for anything!)
30. the way u always got my lame presents (pics of walls and feet! hahaha and the cartoon of O** & Tink Science)
31. how u were always up for adventure and exploring
32. how u created a photobucket and other spots just for us
33. the way u managed to chase away the darkest nightmare with ur gentle voice…creating images in my head that r indelible
34. the way u were always there when i needed
35. the way u came back when i least expected it
36. the trail (mmm)
37. ur laugh!
38. the word platonic (and how i cant help cracking up every time i hear it now!)
39. thumb hats (refusing to learn the proper way to make poppers work)
40. Jack Johnson’s “Better Together” and a couple dozen other songs that u made ours, like “Moondance” and “Wonderful Tonight”
41. telling me about ur dreams
42. the one about the Italian villa
43. the drywall
44. putting me in the bathtub
45. the way i felt always tight in ur arms smelling ur warmth
46. telling me stories about ur grandparents and calling me from family dinners
47. the way u attempted to tell me about the movie “What About Bob” to make a point (though u weren’t really sure of the parts and pieces and lost completely the point by the end)
48. sharing drunken fishing trip videos of u mooning rednecks
49. the way u laughed and then calmly explained the “normalcies” of pregnancy/post-pregnancy to me…lol
50. the old Italian song u had heard at ur grandparents and made u think of me and u attempted to translate for me
51. jelly bean!
52. the way u gave endless toe wiggles and how the thought of u made me tremble with wonderful anticipation
53. asking me “what do u want?” and me whispering it in ur ear over and over again…wanting…very naughty!!! (SMILES)
54. ur scruffy face
55. ur pout
56. ur teasing sarcasm and winks
57. the way u always knew when i was becoming upset or scared without me saying a word…and how u always found ways of calming me down
58. how u were my friend
59. the way u worried about me…went out looking for me…parked on the side of the street for me and let me glimpse in silence so i knew i was safe and u wouldnt push me ever
60. the way u answered the phone and stayed on the line with me when i needed u most that day in July
61. how u r with all ur friends…loyal and supportive to the end
62. how u brought a bed to the island (hehe)
63. ur closeness with ur brother
64. ur child-like voice in the mornings when ur still half asleep
65. chickens
66. having an imagination equal or maybe greater than my own
67. saying “i love you more!” (i really believed it!!!)
68. bumps and bulges
69. ur lips
70. ur Forrest Gump imitation or Southpark voices
71. looking at house designs and showing me how to remake them
72. the green house
73. mr. & mrs. pirate
74. giving me dreams
75. keeping my secrets
76. ur desktop…stockings, a garter belt and “u shhhh!”
77. allowing me my wrapping, fmps, and stinky letters for u
78. the way u helped me get over my jealousy of ur ex-wife (and my annoyance that we shared the same first name!) by dubbing me “Tink”
79. the way u knew i liked my full name and used it (and oh, how i loved to hear ur voice say my name!)
80. the way u sometimes let me use ur last name (and how u insisted on calling me Melissa Eider S****** knowing that it made me smile soooo very much!)
81. a gold room in a Savannah GA B&B
82. leather sofas
83.quiet moments and gentle voices
84. the way u shared ur music with me
85. how u made me feel like i was the only one
86. “i love u’s” that i could keep on my voicemail for 14 days
87. how u r with ur mom
88. the way u set priorities…the things u wanted but werent devastated and pissed about if u didnt get them…(u know how to pick ur battles)
89. the way u put the kids first
90. cooking together…helping me with recipes
91. what happens when u speak Chinese?
92. the day i was so excited for having seen my Tilapia in the store and u told me “That’s great! Baby, I’m so proud of u!” (and u really meant it)
93. the way u always made me feel important and beautiful and told me u were proud of me (so that i REALLY believed u meant it!!!)
94. tacos and a bib
95. catching me up on my TV shows (hehe…though u would have rather watch the bass fishing channel or Family Guy reruns)
96. how u were willing to “drive” for a while
97. holy water and palm crosses
98. and a new necklace charm when u knew how much i missed my lost locket
99. helping me believe in those things u cannot see or touch (but know to be true!)
100. coming to the hospital on Ash Wednesday and praying in the chapel for the baby (and wanting to be there to comfort me)
101. pics of the State Fair, Green Lake and Canandaigua Lake when u knew i was missing home
102. the way u called me “Babe”  (“i love u too Babe”)
103. making me feel as if the time u spent with me was ur best time ever
104. the way u friended my brother… i just know b/c of that…b/c of him knowing u…the last of his life was so much happier…so much richer
105. making me believe that perfection and happiness was ur hand out-stretched and was as easy to have as opening the door
106. ur poety (a blog i was happy to wake up to and even happier finding out was urs)
107. the way u signed texts “SMILES AND KISSES”
108. giving me the best love story ever created!!!!
109. calls from the truck though u hate the ear piece and i sound funny on speaker phone
110. how smart, creative and fun u were…always
111. how u knew when to push and when to pull back
112. letting me call u by ur real name
113. allowing me to remind u to take ur advil and drink water when u come home polluted (making me feel helpful!)
114. ur singing to me… it’s not pretty, but i loved it all the same!
115. the way u apologized for ur spelling (sometimes)
116. “baby, i had a dream last night that i was holding her…not for u, but b/c i wanted to!!”
117. showing me that no matter what, no matter how…we’d always  keep promises to each other!!!
118. the way u used “our,” “we,” “us” (and meant u and me!)
119. the way u showed me how to love and let me fall in love with u (and how it will never go away…just gets stronger!!!)
120. Lilly
there is more…some that r on bits of paper and shut safely inside my laptop…but they r here now and i’ve got to go…a billion and one reasons that culminated into the best love story ever created. 2 yrs that u converted into lifetime of happiness!

u have her now and she will spend the rest of 4-ever doing those things i could not…she will hold ur head when u need it, and greet u at the door with a warm smile and tight embrace…she will tell u how amazing, wonderful and thoughtful u r (not b/c it’s the job description, but b/c it is true and needs to be said 4-5 times each day!)…she will understand ur moods and recognize when u just need someone to listen and be there…never bitter…never arguing b/c she will know how easily u fall and how truly precious the moments with u r…she will know that despite ur fun exterior, u r fragile sometimes…needing independence, but never being left alone…u need softness and kindness everyday…and whole days of frequent kisses…she will make u smile and laugh and make all ur dreams come true…and in exchange she will receive the best the world has to offer…u!

i was grateful for all the moments!!! truly, truly grateful!!!


Happy Valentine’s Day!!! (now and 4-ever)






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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

6:48 AM – the listing

old messages from idk when containing phantom or fleeting sentiments that i’m pretty sure i made up. attempting to keep all that i have left…a handful of promises.
needing to gather the funds somehow and leave but am limited by the functionality of a borrowed hand-held device (that i can use for only a short span of moments.)
in the end that maybe all there is u know…a short span of moments
and empty arms
for those who know me well, they know three basic things…

i cower from arguments (even loud talking i mistake for yelling and i become instantly frozen and silent while my eyes dart for something to hide beneath and away…he knows that…he heard it happen while on the phone with me and his tone and volume changed…directed towards his father, of course, not me…but it doesnt matter…)when the angry/annoyed tone appears i lose all faith, become mixed up about the message, and want to run…it is who i am…it only takes the tone and i do know from experience what will come next from that tone…i have years of experience with the tone…the tone alerts my practiced ear that a fist of iron is forming and is poised to strike at any moment… the tone clearly states “i want to hurt u…i NEED to hurt u!”

secondly, i dont like hurting others… i know my place and have no problem retreating back to it when my spot/ur time has been promised to others. some see me as high-maintenance…but honestly…anyone who knows me well knows i do not wish to hurt the other girl…i do not wish to have hearts broken…waste ur precious time…i am content in my silent corner

finally, i cannot make a choice to save my life. i cannot judge who is more important or more deserving…i am only clear on the part where i am not as important and rarely deserving. they told me to set priorities…how do u prioritize love? i could not choose between the lover, the brother or the child…the pressures and demands each posed i allowed to hopelessly flop about me…my brother died…i should have been there even though he had been on life support for months and did not know me… i should have been there when he passed last Tuesday. i was not… i was trapped here by my own limitations… i did not want them to remove him

likewise…i needed to make it to February 12th with Lily…she needed that time…i needed to give her that time.

and my love…needed me to decide…then…that moment…all of it done and finished in one week’s span.

the house is for rent b/c i dont belong there…there is a nursery that needs to be sealed off…a beautiful fantasy of a queen-sized bed that has yet to be slept in, a mosaic that needs to be filled in b/c there is emptiness where the children’s names should be, and there is an upstairs playroom with a mural of a mountain at the break of day…carefully copied from my brother’s sketchbook.

i wanted them all and deserved none of them…

last evening…before 7 PM …but sometime after the final call… i stood at the roadway staring at the rush-hour cars wizzing past…standing there on the edge of the road and just wanting to make one final step forward…

it is 2 AM now… they will be kicking me out of here soon tonight…they think i need to rest b/c i stumbled…standing there hoping through miles of tubes, wires and tape…i collapsed…knees just buckled…it just happened…i did not mean for it to happen among all those expensive machines…it just happened…one minute standing, the next not…they made me leave even though i went through so much to be finally allowed in after begging for hours…they said i needed a good night’s sleep (as if that is even remotely possible) they say i cannot come back w/o a drs. note. it was/is stupid really.

thinking back to the gray detached streaming of cars at rush hour…i did not take that step…should have, but did not (one more promise kept)

is it ok to admit that i’m emotionally raw? i’m not looking for pity, friendship and am well beyond receipt of anyone’s kindness, but can i admit to being finally defeated without sounding like a beggar on the street?

YES, i am well aware that there r far worse off…please dont reprimand me on that point… perhaps if u read this (though i doubt anyone will) u will take a moment to light a candle and pray for those…the less fortunate than u and i

the listing (may it go fast so i can quickly pay the final debt):

it has been…






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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

6:42 AM – it was just too soon for cribs…
Current mood:
Goals, Plans, Hopes

it was just too soon for cribs…
 Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you…
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations…
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
And no “normal” person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that’s all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.





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Saturday, January 12, 2008

11:47 PM – naughty poem
Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

two burning lips are brushing mine, like fire on a wilting tree
igniting passion deep inside, the kind you feel but never see
two bodies barely touching yet the skin is humming with desire 
a shiver as we draw in breath, our veins; buzzing electric wires
devouring your mouth with mine, consuming you in heated haste 
i lose all sense of space and time, my head is swimming from your taste
our bodies melt and gel as one, our fingers exploring on eager flesh
we’re swelling like a newborn sun, we’re swift, hungry and refreshed
this sweating mass of lust and greed, writhing as waves lapping shores,
these cries of pleasure, pain and need, feeling fulfilled yet yearning more, 
a final cry of anguished joy, clinging as if we fear the end,
more than a girl, more than a man; were lovers, and friends.


Currently listening :
I Want Your Sex Import Cd Single
By George Michael

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

11:46 AM – i like …
Current mood:

i like to hear you before bed each night.
our evening conversations drift on and on
of everything and nothing…
lips, tongues, words mingling in a lovely late night kiss
your’s is always the last voice i want to hear
before curling in…secured and sleeping
we speak in intimate decibels
your’s is always a soft, soothingly deep tone i can barely hear
and mine is a raspy whisper that you say is pleasing
so that we spend every-other-line 
asking for a repeat
(or maybe, just maybe, it is because i want to hear your words again)
for the endless smiles, and cooing toe wiggles they bring
it makes the call longer.

what did you say?

i didnt hear that…

oh, ok.

i love you.

sweet dreams.

(wait, you didnt hang up…and i didnt either…because neither wants it to end)







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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

12:54 PM – auntie em…auntie em…
Current mood:

“In our lives there is bound to come some pain, surely as there are storms and falling rain; just believe that the one who holds the storms will bring the sun.”

did anyone else wake up? was i alone in that? perhaps it was my unusual choice of sleeping spots…maybe it was just the newness of noise in my hollow home…it echoes and carries back and forth from every corner.
maybe it was just as storms are…always sneaking in at night…rattling their way through a dormant landscape…looking for attention…screaming “is anyone at home…will anyone awake and notice me?”
i did wake…and i did talk to the wind for quite a bit…justifying the noises in my racing mind…he rattled my door as if a desperate stranger trying to make its way in and i took the opportunity to secure it once more…then climbed the stairs and sat beneath my breakfast pennisula…just waiting it out…
the unknown drags and crashes…and merciless pounding against the windows…banging upon the outer walls…
it took an eternity and a split second all at once…

and for a tiny bit…i wanted to be like the storm…i wanted to call someone to attend to me

but my phone was dead…lol

i was never a girl scout

my nurse came at 8 and i crawled out once again and acted like all was fine with the world.

until i walked about and discovered that that was not entirely true. the storm claimed two of my windows (i have many of them at the back, so don’t worry)…it rained kindling upon the walks…and my porch (all which have been swept)…unraveled the bark from the trees… and sent my recycling bin in the middle of the street to mingle with my neighbors recycling bins. (one was returned to me by the screamer, but i doubt it is mine…my recycling bin had far more personality than theirs, i’m sure!)

i’m sure the storm was sent on purpose…a loud screaming reminder of moments missed…

there had been a similar storm that woke me on July 19th.

it happens…

but as it is no longer stomping through my neighborhood, i’m going to curl upon my blankets and dream of courage…






Currently listening :
The Wizard Of Oz: Selections From The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
By Herbert Stothart
Release date:
19 September, 1995

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Sunday, December 30, 2007

7:10 AM – unspoken goodbyes
Current mood:

i have left a lil note in a pocket only he can find…he will, of course, never look back there to find it…but it is there…as always… lil notes in his pockets and only he knows why…
the world is an impatient and imperfect place atm… while most people race off to gatherings large and small… bright lights, warm faces…a glow of cheer… can i confess to you that, though i do try, Dec. holds nothing but cold, cruel, rushed, violent and angry darkness for me…
i tend to lose things in Dec.
pointless to explain b/c the one person on this earth, who knew me better than anyone…the one person who could read my words…read through my words and figured me out not only on what was spoken, but what was unspoken…
he is once again a soft and sweet memory that i shall tuck between sheets of tissue paper…b/c he became weary of the wait and wearier still of the dark tangled mess that i threw before him as an unmanageable obstacle course… blocking his every effort…

Dec. is nearly done… i lost things again… it happens…

and the world has grown weary of me begging for a pause (i have grown even more so than they!!!)

i am nothing much to wait for you see… perhaps i shall become an old dissheveled mumbling woman with 32 cats…cats are independent creatures… they come and they go at will and with unspoken goodbyes. they are in need of nothing and often carry about in such aloofness as if to say,”if you are not here tomorrow to feed my belly, i will find lodging elsewhere just fine…”

ok…so some people do that too…

every exit is probably well deserved though…or perhaps the goodbyes werent quite as unexpected as you should think.

sometimes…when the heart bleeds and through the silent tears…sometimes there are no words that can be spoken to soften the blows or brush away the emmense sorrow…sometimes gestures are not enough (or they’re not the right ones) and things fall short…no soothing…just anguish of a flame extinguished long before it was given a chance to truly ignite… undying devotion… the grandest love story… the inseperable friendship becomes a burden or stale or falls without hope into a tiny corner

until it is snuffed out completely…

i tend to lose things in Dec.

the road not travelled…the action left undone…the unspoken goodbyes

precious precious things and people ripped and torn from me far too soon… i did not posses what i needed to make them stay…i was not enough of anything for them to want to stay

i did not want to move in hopes of a clear sign…i did not want to move for fear of losing, but it was my inaction that finally removed all from my grasp…

i am alone again…i cannot stay here either…

**For rent: newly remodeled 3+ bdrm apt. w/frplc in desirable Park Ave area. Off street parking, garage and private yard. Must rent immediately. Terms negotiable.**

never wanted to say goodbye…you have all been wonderful!








Currently listening :
Sounds of Silence
By Simon & Garfunkel
Release date:
21 August, 2001

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Thursday, December 27, 2007

6:48 AM – in the company of strangers…
Current mood:

“I have squandered my resistance
For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest”

                   ~Simon and Garfunkel

upon my counter sits three domed desserts… one is baking still in the oven… i began again at 6:40 AM this morning… baking with no purpose… distracting myself with play… no recipe… two cheese cakes… a raspberry and chocolate creme swirl and a double brownie chocolate one… then i switched to an apple caramel crumble pie…
Jon has run to the market for me twice… i needed tarter apples to balance out the taste and cream and of course more sugar, flour and baker’s chocolate… and more pastry bags
my peanut butter and devil’s chocolate mayonaise cake is in the oven in three square pans… i thought perhaps a triple layer in a different shape would be exactly what i was missing… meanwhile…i have been practicing my fine netting and lace icing skills…my right hand is awkward and i am not as steady as i once was
or maybe that is one of those falsehoods we tell ourselves… at one time i was worth more…skilled more… something to see
and now, of course i realize that i need to make some cookies b/c there is entirely too much left to this day…for me…and for the company of strangers i surround myself with…

nothing seems to be enough

did i tell you i purchased leather and wood bar chairs for the breakfast bar? only two…and with that i suppose it is one more than i actually need…lol

but here i sit pastry bag retired for a moment…my hand and arm sore from the strain of trying to keep myself even and still… and i’m staring at three desserts on my counter and smelling the aroma of the fourth in the oven… the pile of dishes already washed and placed in my dishwasher to be washed again…

maybe figs… pinwheels made from figs or dates… or meringue…light, fluffy meringue…or perhaps something else entirely…

yeah…i have no idea what to do with all these things…  perhaps i’ll take them back to the shelter or convince Jon to drive me into the Brooks Ave office… though most people are gone still for extended holidays….and yeah…those who are not are probably swearing off food having over-eating on Christmas. hehe

i was playing… i needed the distraction… i own this place now… somehow it isnt as sweet a feeling as i had promised myself it would be… maybe that’s why i’m baking the desserts

may your life be full of nothing but sweetness!








Currently listening :
Simon and Garfunkel – The Concert in Central Park
Release date:
19 August, 2003

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Monday, December 24, 2007

7:36 AM – menu
Current mood:
Category: blessed


“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose.”



Kevin Arnold (The Wonder Years)


the salmon with lime, tarragon, and honey would be my recommendation. i think it just goes with those smashed potatoes better (funny…i remember when garlic smashed potatoes were “new”). i think, together, they look more appealing on the plate with only a lil garnish…(memo to self…get actual plates before next presentation! lol) but i’m betting they’ll pick one of the others…she just seemed more interested in the darker sauce…said it was richer… anyways, hasnt the dijon and peppercorn sauce been done already? idk…i just use the range of ingredients i’m told to. i made the grouper (far too expensive) and the tilapia (a fussy fish but i stuffed it with cayenne pepper and lime anyways), but as i have said, i am not a fan of fish…so idk…the salmon with lime and tarragon i tasted at least. hehe


it’ll be fine, just as long as they choose one of mine. maybe they’ll also use the soup recipe…like the cake, it’s one of my grandma’s…i wish i had paid more attention…wrote things down…just going on a memory here is tough…but it pays the bills. well…research and writing pays the bills recipes are bonus pay (which i really, really need)…


btw…yes, i can write far better than this stuff when a paycheck is in the offering! (though i am far from Derek’s skill!) for work i even leave out ellipses and use proper conventions…hahaha


i made gingerbread cake today…was going to serve it with confectioner’s sugar, but saw i had left over cream so i made the guys real whipped cream. i’m pretty sure they liked it (they have each been working late many nights on my maniacal to-do list…sorry)…it was funny though…Bryan and Nate licked the beaters and Matt even ate the crumbs from the pan…hehe
ummm…let it be known, i am NOT a Scrooge…they drove past and apparently disovered me here at noon. THEY are the ones who wanted to finish a few things b4 the holiday. the distraction of them has been good. i dont recommend travelling by bus around the holidays, but most especially NOT when there is a storm. i have been home for only a few hours, took a taxi to get my shots and now just want to settle for the time i have here… i’d like to leave the sadness of TX and a few other things tucked away in my brain for a while… just want to be here and now…no more looking beyond or back for a while…


i’m enjoying the lingering warm ginger and spice smell…contemplating hot chocolate with the leftover whip cream…maybe Bryan will start a fire for me before he leaves again…and maybe i’ll even get a Christmas tree (though i’m not absolutely sure how to go about getting one around here…)


i cant afford ornaments or lights this year, but i was thinking that it would look good by the window…i have a small spool of ribbon and another of lace…thinking bows would look nice maybe…


maybe after the holiday i will have Jon drive me to Michael’s so i can pick up decorations on discount. i’d like to have a crèche for Lily’s first Christmas. she wont understand, of course, but i would like to say (when she does become old enough) “we’ve had that crèche since before you were born”…it would give a much needed sense of tradition


do taxis run on Christmas eve? i’d like to go to midnight mass…


what are you doing for the holidays?


wishing you nothing but warm smiles…





Currently listening :
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (CD-Single)
By Diana Krall

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

2:38 PM – taxi cab
Current mood:

Every person has the power to make others happy.
Some do it simply by entering a room —
others by leaving the room..
Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;
others trails of faith and optimism.
Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;
others trails of gratitude and hope.
What kind of trails do you leave?

                                         ~William Ward
this is not who i wanted to be… it has been quite some time since i have been able to be who i wanted to be…my life has been censored and restricted for the convenience of others…and now it is time for me to say the hell with medical limitations and simply do with what lil i have left… just do and apologize later.
if your memory of me does not bring you a smile, kindly do not remember me at all!
frozen. dark. i summoned the courage to go next door to the screamer and ask to use the phone. i’m in need of a taxi cab. dark. anonymous. silent escape. i took a risk and am now a mangled mess. a car wreck, but still have one more place to be. so i have called the taxi cab.
they cannot make it here in time. they have no sense for the urgency of what i had put off… the bus leaves in seven minutes… i will not make it in time, but i cannot be here…

i’m always running away…well, i chide myself and tell myself that i am running towards something, but it is always a mirage. school. family. someone. job. him. delusions to get through each day…but at some point people are honest with me. (once i’ve made fool of myself…once i’ve convinced others that he was not a mirage…countless others who do not believe a single word i say…they just shake their heads and look away…”poor girl”)

just thought maybe it was real this time…maybe it wasnt a case of me getting the guy while his warmth still lingered in someone else’s bed… him toggling between the real one and the mistress (me)… thought he could wait for her bed to get cold at least…maybe this time i’d meet the friends…the mother…share the dog…be public… silly girl, that was never my life…listen close…that isnt what was being offered!

maybe 24 hrs on a bus… i will pack water and apples or pears in my backpack (bananas will spoil and bruise too easily)… it will make up for the clothes i do not have… it is well thought out…one last dream… TX by Friday.

one last dream…only one left to shatter… and in my mind i see it… i will walk into his room…i’m not afraid of tubes or machines…bruises or blood… and just like all the fairytales… i’ll walk in there and he will do what they say he doesnt… what they say he cannot ever again. (yes, i do wonder what the last words he heard were like…is it possible that there was any softness in that last weekend?)

Jesus! i have watched every other dream fade to a joke…a pitiful laughing stock… do you mock me or feel guilty? best to avoid…lie, say nice things to get  through and then avoid…disappear…abandon…reject

PLEASE, cant i have this one… wake him up when i am there… let me see his eyes… i wont recognize him…not b/c of the tubes, but b/c i have not seen him in over 6 yrs. i dont even know what my brother looks like grown up…

i was banished…and have been trying to get back to them for a very long time… i was dazzled and distracted for a while…(i even said the unthinkable…i said i didnt need my family if only i could keep him…what happened a short while after on that horrible horrible day in Oct, i will see in my head forever…i lost them all the same weekend actually…)well except that i didnt really know i never had him…that truth came later… see…turns out… it was nothing real…he was just a mirage that i made up in my own mind…i heard words and twisted them into something never really meant for me. he, of course is sweet and kind and thoughtful…(the most wonderful there is!) just i was never actually his choice… well not 1st choice…not the clean one that would be allowed to share daylight and his life.

turns out i had reason to be scared afterall… i had a reason to fear for my heart, b/c what was said was not actually mine to have. but i fell again…how could i not…i was dazzled…he is dazzling

when i get there on Friday i will call the Drs. far too late for them to prevent my leaving…but soon enough for them to order my shots… i can take treatments there as well as here. the bus ride is long…but i’ll keep hydrated (and i wont take that God awful coat that i never wanted…i lost far more than the cell phone b/c of that coat! even if the other stuff was only my delusion…my whole life fell apart after that coat!).

when Jon arrives at the house, he’ll discover the check…and another for the contractors. (and a final note to be mailed) i pay my debts. for their work. for their chore of kindness. nothing is for free. i was reminded of that again tonight…

and then i remembered quite keenly that i felt this feeling before…scared but slowly risked my heart…i have only myself to blame… i did know all along who i was…i just got caught up in a dream… turns out the dream belonged to someone else… foolish girl!

TX by Friday…b/c the taxi couldnt get here soon enough…i’m travelling light… i will remember to walk and stretch to maybe prevent blood clots…idk how they cant make up their mind…am i going to bleed out or have a stroke… maybe it will be the infections? seriously… when predicting doomsday, choose one side or the other, not all.

just ringing in my head. one last blog waiting for the honk of the cab…what could be taking them so long? i need out of this neighborhood…yeah, just when i talk to another lawyer about the potential of including him… gone… watch what you say…watch for what you wish for… never dream too far or trust too much…especially not with your whole heart.

where is that taxi…i need to feel the tight damp vinyl smell of it now. the seediness of a taxi with gum on the floor and maybe a broken handle…debris… i’m feeling disgusting and dirty… a low-life nothing and i need to skulk outta here hidden behind the tinted, raindropped windows of a stale fleet car.

i ordered a taxi… he/she is still not here…i may have him/her take me to Buffalo since i have until morning or if they are especially distant…i will have them take me to the Rochester terminal and i’ll stay the night. taxi’s are easy…you know what is expected and pay by the clock. nothing left to guess and no false sense of anything more.

i need to flee this wreckage…the scene of my latest accident.  one more dream to try and then i’ll stop. i see the lights finally…they’re here.

it was nice having a home for 18 days…but it wasnt really my right to have it… that particular dream needed to be edited as not to offend, hurt…idk… it wasnt mine. move on.

thank you for all your kindness…





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12:41 AM – 37 hrs
Current mood:

one of the last things i heard him say was that i shouldnt rely on him to calm me down.
if that was a hint or perhaps a simple view into the crystal ball of my future…
too tired and sick and sore to move much less spin. i have made it 37 hrs without his voice. when it was near it was a gift that i appreciated more than words can express. when it is not (well, u all can see that what is left of me sinks into very dark places…)
i made it 37 hrs and the sun rose again. it is cold and silent and there are very bleak shadows nearby…but the sun rose. his voice could very well be on my phone right now in a never-been-heard voice message…
14 days…i’m allowed to keep some words for 14 days before they vanish.

all on a cell phone i no longer have. stupid to mourn the missing, right?

the sun still rose.





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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

9:52 AM – missing cell phone…things and stuff kinda day
Current mood:

i’ve only had a phone for less than a year…very few people have my number or access to me…there are reasons for that which fall into that huge category of “things and stuff” that i will spare u all from hearing…
trust me… i do appreciate the concept of “no drama” too!
but my cell phone went MIA at some point today…and i am quite frantic…
see, i have become somewhat of a memory packrat of late…there r texts and things on that particular phone i would NEVER part with for anything in the world…but those very things and stuff could be awful in the wrong hands…
idk what went wrong… i’ve guarded that particular phone with my life… if u saw the sad shape it was in, u’d realize that no statement was ever truer… i didnt want someone (earnest or not) rifling through what i have stored there… and worse still was the potential that whoever found my sad phone, may witness one of the awful angry diatribes that my mystery messenger leaves daily (usually before 7:30 or after 4:30 on weekdays…but at anytime on weekends…i’m guessing they’re a 9-5er).

honestly, once i discovered it missing, i had hoped it had been smushed under the weight of an 18-wheeler…what would someone finding it think otherwise?(well, that i’m hated and despised…cha…)

but then there is the issue that that phone has become somewhat indespensible… it is my only allowable means of communication for some… yes, i could trudge back out in that slush and attempt to find a payphone to call them… but guess what? i dont know phone numbers… i should, but i dont.

i hate being so reliant on something or someone!!

so yeah…the phone went MIA…which only capped a perfectly atrocious day! met with lawyer…had lunch with lawyer… who was like the 15,000 person to complain about my lack of a winter coat. GUESS WHAT PEOPLE… I’M PREGNANT! THE COAT I BUY NOW WON’T FIT ME 3 WKS FROM NOW. GET OVER IT!!!

oh, but no, we couldnt get over it and i now have a $160 coat that i will be too fat for come Feb. did i actually need that coat…NO…i need my phone… do u see this?? i got a coat, i lost the phone…it’s called the great and noble balance of the Melissa universe!

get one thing…lose another!!

yes, for those of u who dont know me well enough…i am both laughing and crying here…frankly my head is sooooo freaking overloaded with tragic, unsightly, unmanagable and clumsy elephants balancing on stacks of expensive and irreplaceable crystal, that i dont know what to do! laugh, cry…turn maniacal? pfft…would anyone really notice a difference?

two dr. appts. with the lawyer to check on my status…one for my head (is she stable u ask? pfft…) the other to manage subdural infections… think of it like peeling a sunburn…except they use a scalpel…and i swear they rub salt and lemon into it afterwards…FUCK, that’s nothing…i’ve been doing that for months now!

oh and then my lawyer (who is a truly wonderful human being in so many respects) indicates that she is obligated by law to inform me that it is within my rights to remove my brother from life support. seems that in the interest of full disclosure, it was important to inform me of that particular detail over lunch. again, i’m sure she was attempting to be as sympathetic and gentle as possible… but DAMMIT, who the hell out there wants to make that kind of decision about someone in their family…not now…not ever…let’s totally forget that it’s a week befor Christmas…it doesnt matter the time of year… who the hell wants to ever play God with someone they love?

NO IT IS NOT MY RIGHT! if they just let me go down there…if they just found my phone and let me call him again…let him hear my voice…maybe he’d wake up. IT IS NOT MY RIGHT!! who would “terminate” a family memeber? who would do that to someone they love???

ok…maybe my heartless mystery messenger…but beyond that…no one!

i need my phone! it is pointless to call it b/c it no longer rings or vibrates…in fact it does piss-little of anything…but if u were trying to reach me (which, um…yes, i’m well aware, the very people who need to know i’m without my cell phone r the very people who do not have access to this!) i’m without my cell phone…call all u want…i’m not blowing u off… i just dont have it anymore…

instead what i’ve got is a stupidly expensive coat that i didnt want, raw exposed skin, gauze wrapping and the delightful memory that it is “within my rights” to kill my baby brother.





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Sunday, December 16, 2007

7:37 PM – let’s be silly for a change…
Current mood:

killing some time before i walk to the bus stop.

1. Three days from now will you be a in relationship?
….glass half full, right? (haha for the better part of 2 yrs i have been in a fictional relationship…the kind that fills my heart alone…statistics say that u should never bank on the one that takes great ease at repeatedly leaving u…statistics say that a person like that lacks what it takes to stick through it…pfft…never could explain those statistics to my heart and so here i sit in eternal relationship purgatory…not willing to risk and not wanting to lose…and yes, if i sneeze i do run that risk of losing!)
2. What color are your eyes?
today they are very bright blue
3. What does your second text say?
well since i’ve deleted a whole bunch in the last 48 hrs. the 2nd to last one says:
“Gnight babe love you!”
4. Do you smoke cigarettes?
not anymore…miss it though…it really relaxed me (and if you haven’t noticed, i’m a wee bit high-strung lately) lol

5. Do you smoke weed?

6. Do you drink coffee?
not anymore… like the smell of it though (perhaps it needs a lil kiwi to improve the taste) *winks*

7. Are you married?

8. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?

9. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you didn’t do?
perhaps… i know i’ve got one or two anti-fans (they have their reasons)

10. Do you miss someone?
God yes!

11. Do you think they miss you too?
Shhh… he’s sleeping…and he’s sooooo durn cute when he is sleeping!!!

12. Will you ever speak to them again?

13. When is the last time you laughed?
Just now thinking about that cute lil boy voice he gets as he’s falling asleep… “uhuh…”

14. Did any of your friends go out with your ex?

15. What are you wearing right now?
a smile

16. Are you mad at anyone right now?
not really

17. How is your hair?
it wont stay back so i’m about to threaten it with a hair tie!

18. As of today, do you like anyone?





that’s a silly question… i like lots of people!!!
19. Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past 24 hours?
20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
21. Did you ever skip school?
22. Do you like your first name?

23. Do you like to cuddle?
i think maybe i do

24. What are your initials?

25. Are you funny?
funny looking

26. Baseball or Football?
pfft… football of course!

28. Do you love someone?

35. Last time you went to the beach?
forgot…it’s been that long

36. Last person you called?
the guy

37. Last person to tell you they love you?
the guy

39. What’s the last thing you ate?
banana dipped in peanut butter  and rolled in special K (b/c i’m watching my weight…lol)

40. Last person to pick you up from somewhere?
Jon maybe? or Bryan or Em… it’s a blur

41. Last person or Thing you cried over?
oh let’s not go there… remember this is suppose to be my silly blog!!!

42. Do you cry easily?
probably…but it doesnt last long… lil bursts that end within a min or two

43. Do you have any siblings?

44. Are they close in age?
my brother is 18, my sister was 16

45. Where do you live?
ah, the $50,000 question…

46. Does the Person you like like you back?
hope so

48. How tall are you?
feeling short lately…short and like a weeble. (do you remember weebles? weebles wobble but they dont fall down…that’s me all except the dont fall down part.)

49. Are you happy right now?
working on the nerve to be… (dont ask…i’m a borderline lunatic)





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7:16 AM – for mystery messenger and other inquiring minds…
Current mood:

after this moment, you and i will never speak of him again


i recognize that you and i may have met over 2 yrs ago when i used to frequent the bars of Rochester with a bunch of my friends …perhaps i simply dont remember you…i also recognize that perhaps you know a lil history on me…that i used to pick up guys…steal guys from girlfriends, fiancés, whoever for sport.  your poor opinion of me is duly marked….(though it probably makes lil difference to you that who i was then and who i have become are two entirely different people)…no matter.

think of me what you will…but i assure you, i was never the girl to nail a faked or “accidental” pregnancy on a guy.

in the past, i never actually wanted to keep a guy for any reason, much less pull a desperate tactic like that… i never faked…not birth control or pregnancies, or “i love you’s”

does anything good come of a forced/faked relationship? idk…i’d never try.

he is who he is…possibly the sweetest guy ever created…for nearly 2 yrs while i was hospitalized and learning to walk and talk again, he’d talk to me on occasion. he kept me in dreams and smiles…but he is in love with a girl with a very pretty smile (you will recall i was sent several pictures to emphasize this point…i know she is lovely and she makes him very happy). i never wanted him miserable and i never wanted him lonely…i just wanted his happiness!

as saccharine as it sounds…every word is true…(never a lie and never a line) he is a wonderful person…he is amazing and gentle and thoughtful and so much more than most people see …he would never cheat on that beautiful girl he loves…NOT AT ALL, but most especially not with something like me…

so, kindly, after this moment, you and i will never speak of him again…it is disloyal to him to even say this much perhaps…i promised him i’d make his life easier…then i promised him i’d disappear…(he will not look for me here…and i will not look for him anywhere…so after today, in his mind i am gone…i have never broke a promise to him…in his mind he will think i am dead.)

please dont hurt him by suggesting i was anything else…

it is what it is…

the child i carry is mine alone… though i consider her a blessing, the circumstances under which i became pregnant were only a small fraction of some punishment i must face in this life for who i am and who i was…that day i needed to be punished for wanting to have a 20 min lunch with a dear friend. i do not know who placed this child within me…my eyes were closed and i pray i never meet him again…i was merely being taught a lesson, that night, about obedience and nothing more…they were attempting to ensure that i would not dare to meet up with anyone without permission again…and i have not!
but, if i am allowed the good fortune of bringing my daughter in this world, she is and will always be mine alone…



~melissa aka the manipulative slut (though you spelled it wrong!)

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4:41 AM – going to church
Current mood:

just checked and the church is not closed from the weather. i need to get there and pray for guidance…or forgiveness…
it will take me extra long today so i’m leaving now…i feel sick
it is from how much i always hurt those around me… even perfect strangers with pretty smiles and otherwise carefree lives like her.
is it any consolation that, yes, the silence increased? does that ease the pain i caused her, that she knows he has left (is leaving) once more probably with a vow never to return again? is it helpful to know that i never expected him to return the last time? that he never cheated, that his concerns were always ALWAYS for her?

i dont think i can ever have it… but i need forgiveness

PS: messages arent going through…but u r wrong Sarah…i am the one who makes him unhappy, not her. did i keep him at a distance b/c i knew he would leave and didnt want him to feel guilty for being with anyone but the girl he loves? or did keeping him at that distance cause him to leave? idk … it is one of those problems that has no proveable answer. all i know is that i have been bombarded with hurt and spiteful mystery messages that have been increasing every day since 12/5 again…. 7 messages alone yesterday and 1 so far this morning…
and yet he said he’d be there for the baby…i’m so confused, but think maybe it was only guilt…the only feeling that holds anyone to me is guilt.
i am the villain here…i need forgiveness though there is none to be had… i am private and yet they still have access…to me, to my phone…do we share friends that i’m not aware of who report back? if so, they r doing her a major disservice b/c i have not touched him…longed, yes, but not touched…that is all i’m allowed… i never wanted to hurt her!! (i am reminded by him NOT to hurt her as if i would want to ever on my own…i know only a first name…nothing else…and i would never seek her out!!! that is not my place!!!)
i never wanted to hurt her!!!!!
i feel absolutely physically ill…and no, i did not sleep in that bed last night…i couldnt! i wish they would just come and take it away!!!





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Saturday, December 15, 2007

1:09 PM – repeat after me: please dont let this be a mistake…please dont let this be a mistake…
Current mood:

“The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort.”



i bought a bed…simple frame, box spring and mattress…Bryan insisted and wouldnt let it go…(b/c the room is basically done…) so at 12:30 today we went out in his truck and i bought a bed…


it’s queen sized…far too big for me…but Bryan has been saying for a while that it was the perfect size for thunderstorms and story time huddles…and the space (well, even i knew a twin would have been all wrong…even though it is just me atm… a twin would have reminded me of the hospitals…who wants to squander their money on nightmares?)


…i bought a bed and pillows and cozy flannel sheets and a comforter…then we stopped off at the fabric store…rented a sewing machine and bought gads of fabric… delicate sheer, and pretty prints and textures…off-white, sages, mauves, taupe and rose…and rolls of ribbon and thread, pins and scissors… then raced back for the delivery of the bed.  (please dont be angry Mario… i had sent u a message, but must have missed u!)


all this was far too extravagant, right? (i was fine on the floor with quilts and pillows) Bryan’s time would have been better spent on other occupations…shoot…i hate wasting people’s time!


ok…gimme a break!…it’s just a bed, right?
but see…if you only knew…every time i reached too far…for too much…the world seems to come slamming back…like i need to remember who i am…resetting what i can claim as mine…was i foolish again? (have i angered the karma police again?)



i just got caught up in the possibility of it… (the possibility that maybe if i…then he’d…) and besides everyone kept insisting…(and, well, it isn’t a four-poster…that was a dream too dear, from another time)…but Bryan hung l-shaped rods on my ceiling…evenly spaced…and i hemmed and pocketed four lengths of sheers which are now scented (some fabric smells suffocatingly awful…) and suspended from the corner rods as if they were the sentinels of my bed’s frame…a tailored dust ruffle with clean (not froufrou) lines, canopy of sorts, sheets, pillows and embellished comforter all washed and done…it is a room made for a princess… well…not frilly princess… more like a grown-up, more realistic, and wiser (but missing him soooooo) princess… but it is pretty, and is a perfect fit in my soft-colored room …a room that looks out back over my maybe-someday garden…see, my home faces backwards…away from the lights and glare of the world…i like being hidden here! most people do not even know there is a separate apt. here.
i’m pretty sure all of this is far too elegant and extravagant for someone like me…(i went too far ?)



i have a bed…the apt. faces backward, but the bed faces inward towards the alcove which will be her room… her room is currently painted dusty pink/mauve…she has a small closet and built-in bookshelves…the fourth wall is somewhat unfinished…it’s been remade from a dressing room and storage closet from the other side…(it is a third bedroom in my two-bedroom apartment? the other room…which will be a better color blue soon… reserved with a hope… a prayer of maybe someday…) i havent decided if i want  her room completely closed off yet…the guys are all set to do either (frame and plaster it over or install and arched opening) …i am currently afraid of that decision too…much like i’m afraid of having comfort.


i have a bed…it is soft and warm and i am sitting upon it watching Bryan hang shades in my windows…otherwise the house is so very silent and still…it is after 10 PM again and he is here late again appeasing me (though i kicked him out to fend for his own food b/c there is no way i can feed him, if i cannot summon the courage to feed the man who holds my heart…)this is soooo messed up…and i feel entirely too guilty…for the bed…for the company…yes, i’m too selfish for putting my needs above others…


(and yet sooooo wanting more!!! this bed should have been chosen with someone else [AHHH! THE INDESCRIBABLE GUILT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA! HE HAS NO IDEA HOW THIS IS WRECKING ME!! I HAVE A BED AND YET I KNOW I WILL BE UNABLE TO SLEEP IN IT B/C HE NEEDS TO BE IN IT WHEN I DO!!! THAT WAS ALWAYS THE DREAM!!!] and i am wishing for the courage still to call him over for a few moments now…though i know it is too late…i fear i always want far more than i deserve…i am an awkward, confused, wanting, scared, complicated piece of shit atm…and just thinking about the 20 ways i hurt someone today, alone, is more than i can face atm…i wasn’t expecting him back…i fear for when he goes again!!!!!)


please dont let this be a mistake that i have to pay for later…not again…please?
(please dont let this be a mistake i’m paying for now!)



i hope Bryan finishes and leaves soon…i feel very sick and have these sharp shooting pains in my back…i think i need to be alone now to face whatever…


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11:19 AM – vanishing comments
Current mood:

my apologies to everyone who has attempted to post a comment to my main profile for the last 14 days…the last 6 mos before … the year before that. i appreciate the comments…the kind words and things u all do to make me smile…truly i do! it’s just that there was something among my comments that i never wanted to disappear from view… so i have been deleting comments to preserve that once upon a time
i wish i could do that with the voice messages on my phone as well…preserve the “i love u’s” that escape one by one after the allotted 14 days
i hate only being allowed 14 days of love (even just the words)
no, i dont know why i do this to myself! but i do know the uncertain dance so well and its toll so very well.
i cringe at people who talk about “our relationship” as if it was a breathing entity unto itself. people have posted below and in my mail what specifically is wrong with me. why it is that i can manage 4 contractors and 5 doctors, but cannot manage to calmly walk to a warm truck and even warmer set of arms.

i tell myself he is busy and hate myself for having doubt…i feel guilty for offering the hired help so much as a glass of water, while i’m unable to offer the man who holds my heart a warm meal.

and then i remember…the once barage of traffic that dwindles to three words here and there…the vanishing messages for me to hold beyond their useful shelf-life…and GOD i hate this feeling again… i hate that i feel it… i hate the comparisons… i hate it all… and i mostly hate myself for allowing it to happen once more… almost like i expected it to

perhaps he traded in my heart…idk my head hurts…and i’m always reminded of how much i hurt her (i cant escape it…i did not need to hear it repeatedly)… the phone is pulled apart again… it needs to stay that way until they find a cure for this!

i’m confused and awkward and scared and guilty and wanting and ashamed

though Jon offered warmth and company at his house during the impending storm…he says he doesnt want me to slip and he doesnt want me to shovel

i think i am personally amazed by what men will do out of guilt.

i think i will remain here (i think my storm has already come and passed me by)… i think i am meant to be alone, isolated and cold forever.

i am annoyed by people who find the need to dissect their relationship…perhaps that need is stemmed from miles of insecurities and silence… vanishing comments and voicemails.

i will be ok…i was in a whirlwind of shakey hope…but i will be ok now. maybe. (though i will probably be removing a few more comments and a few more blogs)

i’ve learned my lesson now…can it stop now? it is time for the karma police to haunt someone else’s doorway!

i’m gonna go sprinkle some ice melt and chop up some ice so no one else falls at my door!





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Thursday, December 13, 2007

9:55 AM – safe keeping
Current mood:

With you by my side, I had the world at my feet. Now you’re gone along with my world.” (for him)

Have you ever wondered what is worse…? Saying something you wish you didn’t or not saying something you wish you had?”  (for all of them)

some people have scrapbooks…i did once too…(not of my family…those memories and pics r gone forever…)
where do u store all those things most precious in ur life? those things u have collected and just know u can’t do without? were do u keep them? (do u bother at all? b/c some things r fleeting and others expire without a sound)


for the most part, it is as if my life began only in February 2006 when someone nicknamed me “tink”
i made my scrapbook while i was in a hospital in Albany…i treasured it! in it was every hope i had…and words that were so soft and kind…poems, descriptions and a cavalcade of pics. (ladies and gentlemen, i have been romanced by the best…he created the genre, and honestly, there is no one his equal when it comes to the art of making love with words and deeds!)…the scrapbook was a world of just he and i…hopes and prayers of someday soon…doodles and scrawled “i love u’s”…and endless smiles and kisses…
but i could not bring it back to Rochester in July (things and stuff!)…i dared not have evidence… and though i had to once again say goodbye too soon to something i prized (like the locket, their letters, her recipe boxes, my brother and sister’s smiling faces…all gone now!) i could not bear to toss it away… so i gave it to a nurse for safe keeping (all things of value need safe keeping)…

is it out there still providing proof of our feelings? idk

in truth, i have volumes of the sweetest banter… the best love story ever written is stored on my computer in the form of over a million messages and hundreds of photos of the most beautiful sights ever seen (made more special b/c they were seen through his eyes and shared with me as if i was with him always).

would i vanish without these pics and love letters? perhaps. would my life cease without the possibility of tomorrows with him? quite probably.

has he gone? yes, once again, he cannot be. this one is entirely my fault for reasons i do not understand and wish to God i could control! fear has paralyzed me…fear of being rejected again? abandoned again? not good enough again? not pretty, sweet or sexy enough again? YES! is it the fear that perhaps the reality of a pregnant, crippled, uneducation basketcase cannot live up to the cultivated fantasy (generated by nightly conversations of everything and nothing that lasted from lunch until dawn)? NO…b/c he and i knew the flaws…he talked me through nightmares and calmed me as they were literally peeling my skin off and inserting all sorts of needles…

but there is a larger fear that i have been searching my brain to grasp (and i have come up empty)…it is there and it mutes my lips from telling him to come home…it is there blocking my ability to run to his warm truck (after wandering and attempting to do so for nearly two hours in the freezing night)…it is a fear that prevents me from satisfy his simplest request (“tell me, Melissa, where home is…”).





he has sacrificed everything once again for me…and i sit here helpless… imprisoned by my own unspeakable fear.

(i wish i didnt answer his call on Saturday…i wish now i hadnt heard his voice at all…it’s not as if i feared being the rebound relationship or the secret on the side…that didn’t matter…but he was gone and quite happy where he was…and b/c of my inabilities…i have ruined his once-perfect life…b/c of me he is in pain!)
my heart hurts…i was moments away from having EVERYTHING i ever wanted …and now i must live with the shame of having done nothing to keep my promises to him… for hurting him… for hurting his girl with the pretty smile… for being incomplete and damaged…and incapable of grasping happiness when it was well within my reach!!
of course i was not expecting him to come back…but when he did…when everything was placed before me (he was less than 500 ft away from me)… i couldnt even do the smallest gesture to make him feel valued.
i am an incredibly awful person…and i have only that bit of knowledge to keep me warm at night instead of his sturdy arms (how many times did he assure me he loved me last night alone? and i did nothing)
and so now it is only right that his “i love yous” slowly vanish from the voice messages on my phone again. that my chance at happily-ever-after disappears forever. (i will spare myself the humiliations, pain and emptiness by putting away my phone once more like i had in Oct.) no one else would hang around for this insanity either.

where do u keep those things that are precious to u? those once in a lifetime chances dont happen every day, u know?

i will keep mine close to my heart…having no physical way of proving it, of course…nothing that will satisfy… he is there nonetheless…and will always stay there…

i had a chance at happiness and threw it away…i had a father for my child and a partner for my life… i have made a very large mistake… the job… this house… this neighborhood… this life… and there will be no opportunity to fix it ever again.

my heart is screaming, can u hear it? (please do not leave completely ignorant comments of how i am better off without him…I AM NOT!!!)





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Saturday, December 08, 2007

11:41 PM – lists large and small…
Current mood:

Time gnaws and wears away; it separates; it flies.” 

~Jean-Paul Sartre 
             “Being and Nothingness”

“Far away, there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them.”

                                                ~Louisa May Alcott


feeling a bit overwhelmed and under-prepared atm… the brain feels quite scattered with orbiting satellites of things to do (and worry about)…most of which i havent an idea how to control…


hello. my name is Melissa, and i am a notorious list-maker…


in the course of a day…time evaporates…opportunities vanish quite out of my power. the day no sooner begins, then it is at end (or at least the useable portion of it…eaten up by pt, contractors,  research for work, correspondence, and naggings from home health nurses, etc.)


once again i didnt set up my post box or make it to the church (i should have on Sat.)…i need to light candles…i need to pray for them…all of them…focused and in the church! it is just so achingly far from here…it might as well be to the pacific ocean…the days are far too short and i maneuver far too slowly (i know how Jon feels about churches, so this is one destination i dont burden him with…i wish i didnt burden him at all!). i need to light candles and pray, once again, for those i can no longer see…i need them in HIS care…i need them guarded…protected… can they find peace and happiness there please? and i need to go to confession to admit all my sins…please…before she comes…before she pays the price for my actions… do you think i will be able to have her christened?


there is so much i dont know…birthing classes are constructed for couples only… knowledge bestowed to only perfectly matched fathers and mothers…i dont belong to their elite club…so i am trying to figure it out on my own (shoot…i need to find a pediatrician!) i thumbed through some childbirth and parenting books at Borders…they also seem designed for perfect families…see there on pg 12? the ecstatic father proudly wrapped about his wife and newborn? meanwhile, i am told  that social services will be involved shortly after i give birth…incase i didn’t feel dysfunctional, disastrous or incompetent enough…(oh please, do involve the state in my life so we can once again document my many failingsthe files are not nearly full enough of my poor choicesand childlike beliefs…lol) they tell me it is standard procedure…pfft … somehow i doubt Angelina and Brad, Madonna or Rosie had to face the stern, gray, objectionable looks of the SS just because they chose to have/adopt a child out of wedlock.


i’m a sponge lately…i hear them talking in the grocery line and at the doctors…i’m out of place…the guilt is consuming b/c have no business in their conversations, but how else will i know…


car seats                                               cribs                                         pediatricians


everyone else has had the full time to prepare and i, stupidly, am attempting to pull my whole life together in a matter of weeks…child, home, job, finances… as well as taking care of a few remnants of a world i have had lil control over. (i was never one to cram for exams…i suck at this!)


i know…i need to be braver…i need to be stronger…more self-sufficient. i need to be without the cane…i need to be able to lift with my left arm. what kind of mother could i be without the ability to lift, comfort and carry my own daughter????


(get me to Feb 12th…at least Feb 12th, please!!!)


currently living with plastic drapings and plaster dust (and a phone held together with rubber bands and tape)…i know…i need a new phone…and a new number…i need furniture …well maybe not a house-full…maybe a bed…or a crib/basinet/porta-crib (?) for her. (what if the mere act of buying furniture demonstrates a certain level of arrogant pride and over-confidence to HIM…do i really want to risk yet another hard lesson from the karma police?)


i need a washer and dryer…it will be less time walking on that street in the area i have no right to…(yes, i always cast my eyes downward when i’m there…hoping to remain invisible…but how invisible will i remain when she arrives? i know…i know…another penance from the karma police!) i’d like a real winter coat maybe…but that is just being selfish when there is so much more that should be done! i know, how can i justify spending $ on me…it is foolish! what i really need is the right car seat.


there was this woman in the store Thurs…she looked so frazzled and her baby just cried so much! have you ever wanted to take a child from it’s mother to comfort it? i did…i wanted to rock the baby and calm it like i did with Alex and Ally…i know…who do i think i am, right? there are women infinitely more qualified and far more desirable than i!…would that woman have accepted my offer for help?


i have come to believe that pregnancy, childbirth and parenting are THE most competitive events out there…trawling the clubs for “truthful” guys (when there are six girls for every guy) is nothing when compared to this!!!! and guys have no concept of the competitiveness of being the perfect parent…one squirt; they’re spent and their whole contribution to the game is pretty much done! lol…(ok…not entirely true…once upon a time i knew a guy who was a fantastic daddy!)
[…ugh! well yeah, guess that thought leads to a whole other story and a whole other area of mess i’m trying to untangle in my mind…neither the head nor heart are being a bit of help either for keeping me at what i know is the right and good thing! i cant spend many more nights dreaming of kisses just b/c i hear his voice. i just need to remember what is being offered and what the consequences felt like last time…i cant bear to be THAT GIRL that hurts anymore]



gah! it’s like you can be issued a pass-fail on all of these events (successful relationships, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting) if you’re a mother, and if you ask for help it’s considered a forfeit…so we all watch game tapes and read play books trying to maintain that appropriate level of sacrificial-pride (lol) and best each other…

oh, to make it all look seamless and graceful! (oh yeah right…if it was sooooo “natural” then why are there so many books about it???!!!)


i suck at decisions and choices…i’m notorious for picking the wrong way and the wrong line.


not to say you guys aren’t sympathetic (sometimes…)


Bryan stayed past 6 to finish framing yesterday…i still dont know what to do with the french doors or what else to do about her room (i hear most contractors leave promptly at 4 and never work weekends…mine have been told not to be here when i am alone…but this team of guys is amazing…yes, i’m paying them…but they know, beyond the paycheck, how urgently i want the place done…who knows when i will have another chance…i need to budget my resources and time…both are so fleeting…(and i need to remember lessons learned)


i know… though it was a pleasant surprise …(no, actually that’s not it! Bryan is just a guy who will soon be detached and gone… he has to be)…i know, extra kindness from anyone…like last night’s… comes at a cost…but it rarely means anything…i know…i offered him dinner and an awkward conversation…(i am unaccustomed to guys in my place, unsupervised, past dark) i hate owing favors…i dislike my renewed suspicious nature, but i now understand it is rare to find someone who isn’t expecting something for even the smallest gesture. (i’ll not make that mistake again!)


ahhh…there is far too much to think about…(and yes, i am thinking too much…always thinking too much…hehe) my head hurts with memories, things to do, and my many fears and failings flying about it atm…lists here and there…large and small.


and very few actual daily accomplishments…pfft!




(agggh! mass is at 8…i need to get going and have no appropriate church clothes so will have to hide in the back.)


Currently listening :
Help! [UK]
By The Beatles
Release date:
17 October, 1990

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Friday, December 07, 2007

8:04 PM – hott girl housewarming party (lol)
Current mood:

“What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.”



my home is evolving…yes, i do finally have a home!  it is truly mine…whereas the building is not all mine, this soon-to-be three bedroom portion of it will be (yes, i bought a portion of a house!)…it feels wonderful to finally say i have a home.

the furniture, curtains, and other minor things will come in time i’m sure…SMILES…but last night a few of the girls i used to work with came by…and gifted me with a few of the “essentials” i have been without for so long.

their visit was a complete surprise…shocking actually…i cant afford to have traffic…i dont wish to be found …but, oh, i so desperately needed it…especially at that moment…on that day!!!

[see…i made promises…i made promises that i would not break for anything in the world…i would not hurt anyone for the world!!…and…oh God, i  had spent most of the day staring at my phone going through a range of unbelievable emotions…but i think i have settled my brain now and most of my shaking with a simple explanation of what really happened… it was a misdial…that’s all…what came through was not meant for me…b/c as i have said… i have promised … i would NEVER break a promise there… NEVER! …the misdial did stop….well that and i put my sad phone away in a drawer where it will sit until …idk…too afraid to look anymore…i made  promises! i never would ever break those promises…never a lie and never a line! UGH…not crazy…sounding crazy, but i’m doing ok…just balancing a whole bunch of unsightly elephants on stacks of crystal in my head!! none of this portion of my ramble makes sense to anyone but me…so dont worry about it!!! just is what it is…]

but, yeah…after that…after my heart stopped for several hours and i felt paralyzed by a waves of indescribable emotion that i didnt know what to do with (but now realize it was an accident and meant nothing…just a misdial)… my doorbell rang…and a surprise gaggle of guests (the noise of a gathering of silly, tipsy females is not a sound i’ve heard in quite some time…God i did love pausing and watching it from the sideline…enjoying the chaos of gossiping women when they allowed it…)…the pandemonium helped me forget…well for a while anyhow…(and i’m hoping the retell will have the same lifting effect as a few of them lay sleeping now…b/c i feel the trembling coming back) the girls didnt seem to mind my lack of furniture (we made due with blankets, quilts and pillows upon the floor), nor did they ask the uncomfortable questions: where have i been…or the shame of where is “he”

a housewarming unlike any other…a mostly 20-something slumber party…hehe… everyone was dressed in their hott girl attire (i can only imagine the surprised spectators on the street watching this entourage come and leave…and my poor contractors) and rather than spatulas and blender covers…these wonderful girls brought me the one thing i’ve been without for a very long time…

i’m ok where i am…i’m ok with being by myself…i keep the lights on and chase away my own fears and nightmares with memories of sweeter words…and when i am cold and lonely i turn up the music on my laptop and throw on more blankets…i am fine…for the most part…really, i am fine.

but when i saw those two pretty pink gift bags…in spite my current tummy…and what’s in my head…i suddenly realized…it has been ages since i truly felt pretty…i dont need sexy…i dont need hott…i just need a reason to smile at myself and not feel so awfully ugly and deserted.

shallow? maybe…but i think if most people were honest with themselves…pregnant or not…son, daughter, mother, husband, wife, significant other or friend…we all need to know there is something about us that is worth looking at and worth keeping…no one wants to be thought of as a replaceable/disposable/rejected thing.

thank you girls for the Victoria Secrets…i may not fit into it for much longer but…you were right…when i put it on…when i allowed myself to believe i deserved the softness and frivolity of it…i felt absolutely beautiful.

thank you…thank you for the painted nails, and the bonbons and girlie talk and the gorgeous self-indulgent things…i felt giddy and worthwhile and pretty well after the night ended…thank you!

sometimes true beauty is a state of mind (but it certainly can be helped along with lace bows on silky-chiffon lingerie, and a rowdy bunch of females with wine and desserts!)




Currently listening :
Girls Just Want to Have Fun [Ringle]
By Cyndi Lauper

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

12:51 PM – haha…well there’s an analogy gone horribly outta control in my head!
Current mood:
Jobs, Work, Careers

“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”

                                ~Ernestine Ulmer


i am most decidedly NOT an entrée kind of girl! meat and potatoes? PLEASE…i am anything but ordinary, mundane or routine…i am definitely the appetizer/dessert thing…

appetizers tease and flirt… and well, y’all know what desserts are…SMILES! i’m just better at things that can be enjoyed in one night, but craved for a lifetime!

so go ahead and sit down to your slab of uninspired meat surrounded by a gob of starch…me? i’d rather be what’s on the dessert cart…you know your eyes look longingly after it as you contemplate your mac and cheese for the fourth meal in a row…you know your mouth waters and your tongue desires…(begs!) to taste the possibilities.

don’t believe me? how many of you would prefer going directly to the decadent dessert or the spicy snack instead of eating what’s on your plate? (or perhaps you’re the guy who snacks within 20 mins of your “meal” because it wasn’t at all satisfying?)

face it, entrees are like a monogamous relationship…oh they’re good when served with a nice wine buzz…but afterwards? awkward, cold and boring…you keep telling yourself that it will be just as good reheated…but it never lives up to those expectations and frequently ends up shoved to the back of the refrigerator or in the trash when no one is looking. (while your eyes wander back to what’s on that dessert tray! hehe)

entrees become like…idk…a nagging promise of ….”if you….” (finish your peas?) you can get the good stuff (dessert!) they are like “married sex”…good once in a while, but quality and quantity become less and less frequent…lol

ok…so i’ve never actually had “married sex,” but i’ve heard the tales and it’s not pretty!

like “married sex,” entrees can be…routine, old, frigid…sometimes even chore-like in the hoops one must achieve to “earn” it….sure it might meet the requirements… minimally…(and if not, close your eyes and it will be over in a couple minutes)…but it’s totally lacking in presentation, imagination and that explosion of toe-curling flavor of the appetizer and dessert! (they are the fun foods!!!)

life’s about presentation…the pretty wrapping and rich velvety frosting…come on…you know you want to skip the peas and dive right in for a creamy sweet taste…go ahead…

i give you permission to head directly towards the dessert tray and sample everything! i see a near-comatose smile of complete satisfaction in your future!!!! WINKS

lol (i know…out of control!)




Currently listening :
Sugar, Sugar
By The Archies
Release date:
22 March, 1999

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11:46 AM – marinating nemo
Current mood:
Jobs, Work, Careers

I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead.


~Oscar Wilde


What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.


~ Augustus Saint-Gaudens


seafood is yucky! fortunately the debate is still flipping as to whether pregnant women should have seafood given residual levels of certain toxins found in it. i can handle scallops, swordfish or salmon if forced, but it isn’t a favorite.

in general i cant get over the picture of the eyeballs, scales or those fishy lips gasping for their last moments of life…(dont get me started on shrimp, lobster or crab…those things just remind me of giant bugs that people smother in hot sauce or dunk in a butter soup!) AND seafood is sooooo messy to eat…think about it… how many other entrees are people adorned with bibs, given mallets to manage or put into that uncomfortable position of picking lil bones, etc. out of their mouths? messy…messy…messy… ewww…no thanks

it’s funny…i do NOT have these issues with pigs, chickens or cows…just fish! but this month i have been commissioned to work on a menu that includes fish…and so fish it is.

they loved my cake recipe and say it’s a hit…grandma wouldnt mind (the paycheck was a much needed addition to the bank account which has been taking many major strikes lately…especially fixing up this place…)

but let’s face it…i’m better at desserts and maybe appetizers…i’m not an entrée kind of girl in any sense…entrees need staying power…entrees are commitment…pfft 

however…i need this job…i need the work… i need the steady flow of the paychecks and the coming attraction of health insurance (not to mention the freedom this particular position offers atm) it feels soooo good to be doing something!

…i just want to be thought of as the problem-free worker…even though i am not…

sometimes delusions are everything

they seem to have confidence in me…so fish it is…




Currently listening :
Yummy Yummy
By The Wiggles
Release date:
24 June, 2003

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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

4:53 PM – chipped china plate
Current mood:
Goals, Plans, Hopes

There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories are full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke the heart was taking away its dream—whatever that dream might be.”

                                                                                ~(The Good Earth) Pearl Buck


Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.”

                                                                -Langston Hughes


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

                                                                                ~Ernest Hemingway


i like antiques…they have pasts and stories to tell…give me the worn edges, and a finish waiting to be loved to a shine again, any day, over furniture store stuff (with the exception of mattresses and sofas…you dont want to catch anything from their stories! hehe)

my hairdresser/friend/landlord (kinda?) Jon took me on an antique shop excursion. i think he was hoping i’d actually buy (gasp) furniture for my place…haha…ok…so he’s relatively *new* to the whole Melissa experience…haha… 


imagine his dismay when all i managed to walk away from each shop with was a box of chipped or broken glass…plates and cups to be exact…and yes, they were most decidedly broken…they chinkered as i hobbled back to the car (Jon just shook his head) but they were free…chipped plates tend to be undervalued, but like all antiques they have a story… (i was once told i was a chipped china plate too, so i suppose i felt a certain kindred to them)

no, i havent completely lost it…it’s just when i saw a clerk scoop one off the shelf and toss it into a bag i became intrigued…i made her pull it out again and was amazed…broken yes, but it’s surface still glossed in the light…it may have been left in disproportionate jags, but my mind saw something far more beautiful…

see…my kitchen is what some might call a galley kitchen…narrowish but with high ceilings and cupboards to one side…cupboards which were the first things i replaced in the apartment …the current cupboards have open tops above a few doors of lead glass and darkish wood (called cinnamon or cognac cherry)…the cupboards were also a bargain…taken from a floor display at Home Depot at quite a discount (SMILES, Paul!) …kitchens are important! i could live in mine except for this unremarkable wall that was opposite of my cupboards. the space is narrowish and tall…not really wide enough for a kitchen set…well maybe one day a baker’s table, but it would have to be narrow and really special for me to consider it…but the wall…as in all older homes…is of an aged and stained bumpy plaster and patch mix…and it was so glaringly off-white…hospital dredge white…isolation white…not at all befitting of MY kitchen…not at all what i want surrounding Lily as i teach her how to pat dough and cutout Christmas cookies…

when i saw that broken plate of mediterranean blue…i knew i was meant to have it…it needed to be used to help decorate my kitchen…broken pieces placed together in a mosaic. again the woman in the store thought me mad, but offered me a box of broken porcelain in her back room….in it a paintbox of blues and greens…a lot of gold, ivory, rose…and some very precious variations of lavender…

at first i had thought i’d make a picture of my lovely lake (i miss Canandaigua so much and haven’t been back there in ages!) but from that first plate i knew what my wall picture really should be…it’s mediterranean blue was directing my imagination…taking me back to a fragment of a dream…not my dream mind you, someone else’s that i had heard once upon a time… in it there was a chime of tinkle bells…and a villa in Sicily…with a terrace that overlooked the most beautiful country…a grandparent’s villa…

i dont know much about Italy…so i looked it up to get a sense for the architecture and flowers…wow, what pretty landscapes everywhere…but i ended up choosing a pic of Tuscany (don’t ask me if it is northern or southern Italy…for a former travel major, i tend to get lost rather easily…hehe)…

i messed with the picture a little…and made a mock-up with fish tank gravel…yes…Jon, who has been providing me with much of my silly runaround transportation for the last few days, does think i’m crazy…but he indulges me anyhow, because i am so much fun to have around! haha…besides, i thought i’d try it in small scale first to figure out my colors before i wrecked a whole wall with another grandiose dream. (nothing is more debilitating than a dream that fails!)

ok…this may not be how the “professionals” do it…but the “professionals” and the amateurs aren’t letting me climb ladders and do my own painting lately because of my apparent lack of balance (they wouldn’t even let me help shovel the driveway for the other tenants…ugh!) …pfft…i’m not used to having a belly…deal with it…i am! i daily bounce off countertops because the clearance isn’t what i remember and they say i resemble the leaning tower of pisa if i stand too long…lol… i have never been heavy…it had been months since i weighed over 100 lbs…it takes some getting used to!

but, see, despite all my handicaps…slowly my small gravel art project transformed from one of those macaroni letter projects my lil sister used to bring home from kindergarten to an actual stone replica of my Tuscany terrace…i researched and learned quickly how to blend grout so the piece doesn’t look so disjointed…even my contractors were impressed…

grabbing a old rag towel from one of the contractor guys (yes, they have names, but i prefer not to learn names anymore…no sense learning the name of someone who will soon be out of your life)…and a mallet…i folded the towel over my broken plates and commenced smashing…not as therapeutic as one might think…i fear broken glass actually…i fear bleeding and stitches…(and most especially hospital traps)…but using gardening gloves…i sorted my paintbox colors of broken glass into separate tubs

i told myself that i’d be good and only do the bottom portion…but i did finish the top portion on the far left Monday night when i could not sleep (i was destined to do it obviously, because they left the ladder behind for me to do so!)…i told them elves must have done it  this morning when they returned with frowny faces…hehe

the whole thing reminds me of summer nights in my grandmother’s cozy living room, gathered around a card table, piecing together a jigsaw puzzle late into the night with my grandma and cousin Chelsea. sometimes the pieces flow together quickly…other times you have to twist them and rearrange them over and over again in a painfully slow process…

the one contractor who hung my cupboards said he could frame the piece when i am done so it would have smooth edges…i have been back to Home Depot twice in two days for the goo and have hit up the places on restaurant row (near the laundromat) for their broken dishes to help fill the space…nice varying shades of ivory and ecru…not bad progress for being here only a short time.

tomorrow, Jon will take me to a place on South Ave (?) that has old house pieces…i’m actually looking for aged hardware to use by my fireplace (yes, Mario, i had it looked at on Monday morning!)…but am always looking for broken plates and porcelain…and if i cant find what i want there, i will see if he can take me up to a couple antique shops north of the city. i’m in need of a burnt orange or pumpkin and a bluish gray and deep olive for shadowing. (and i promised him i might consider one piece of actual furniture this time…hehe)

it makes me happy…piecing together what is left of discarded fragments and hopeless edges of what might have been…trying to transform a chipped china plate into something beautiful once more…the possibilities…SMILES

i may never get out of this city again, but each morning as Lily and i eat breakfast, we will be eating overlooking the Tuscan Valley!




Currently listening :
It’s Time
By Michael Bublé
Release date:
08 February, 2005

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Saturday, December 01, 2007

4:25 PM – her name is Lily…i think
Current mood:

 “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.”


~Chinese Proverb


What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

                                                ~Juliet (Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare)


i have decided to call her Lily…no middle name yet…let me think on that one as it has taken me months to dare to call her something other than “lil one.”

i had teetered on the idea of naming her after those who passed far too quickly… grandma, my friend Carrie who was pregnant with her own daughter when she died suddenly…or the name of my little sister who passed recently…

but this child has already survived far too much to burden her with a death-name… a name founded in pain and loss… she needs an identity of her own…
Lily…because she will be born in spring…Lily because they are soft, sympathetic and quiet flowers…


Lily because it is a hopeful name…

it is just her and i in this place…

i can offer her only myself for comfort…i can give her no other family…but when i close my eyes and take in this blessing i have been offered…well this near blessing… (she dances inside me as i type this…SMILES)

i am counting down to april 6th, but will be pleased for any day i make past feb 12th…i would love to give her every opportunity in the world…

but for right now…i have only a name for her… it is Lily.

(i hope i have not jinxed anything by saying her name aloud…)




Currently listening :
By Original Soundtrack
Release date:
19 September, 2006

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