Lilly’s tree

16 12 2008

this was not exactly the way i had hoped it would be… i imagined him with us, helping us pick it out

do i sound disappointed? idk…resigned or relieved or…idk…i guess there isnt a word b/c although a part of me is very sad that i’ve somehow flushed another dream…he made the process ok by telling me to get her a tree.

i had his permission to do this alone, b/c i think he weighed everything (as he always does…b/c his whole “thinking” process actually yields something…hehe) and as he considered everything, he saw a bigger picture than i did.

Lilly…the kids come first. he got a tree for his kids…separate and having nothing to do at all with us…and then he told me to get one. “get Lilly a tree” is what he told me. and so i did. separate for separate lives…b/c that is what it needs to be. (it was only a silly dream anyhow. he is far more practical and thoughtful)

and we no sooner got the bugger back in the house and propped in a stand in the front window (not gracefully at all) then the dryer broke.

(i have mentioned my knack at grabbing for something wanted and losing something else? pfft…the dryer’s under warranty…i only wish my relationships came with a warranty. lol)

Lilly’s tree is in the front window. we wrapped it with white lights (of the non-blinking variety). it looks clean.

he made it ok. i remembered to breathe and also remembered that it was his idea (which made the whole process easietreer…i dont think he told me to do it out of frustration.)

Mrs. V. took an outside pic of the tree for Lilly and i. the pic looks other-worldly…it is caused by the glare from the window panes against the lights. the pic grows on you. Lilly and i have a Christmas tree.

i was looking for ornaments…thought i’d make one with Lilly’s name and birthdate on it for her first Christmas…but neither store had pink ornaments.

i like pink.

once upon a time i had a tinkerbelle ornament too, i think…like so many things from that time…idk what became of it. Aslan had a Santa for the top of his tree…i wanted a fairy on top of mine.

i didnt find one.

i do feel bad (idk why these things always make me feel like i’ve cheated on him some how)…disappointed and thrilled all at once. we have a tree! it is in the front room safely behind closed doors so Lilly can look but cant get hurt.

there is a squeaky cow, a fish and a stuffed monkey in the creche’…(Lilly decided to help) hehe… and an evergreen wreath on the door…none of it was how i dreamed it would be…but it will do…

they are coming to my house on Wednesday to inspect me. they may wonder why i spent my money and time on things so frivolous as a lit tree, wreath and creche’. i will always seem to have reason to worry… likewise i will always have reason to be insecure about Aslan…but tonight as Lilly drank her final bottle we sat beneath our tree and sang “twinkle twinkle little star” (she has recently picked up the movement of raising and moving her hand to the “up above the world so high…” lyric) we’re ok.

he told me to get her a tree…i choose to believe it was not b/c he’s giving up all hope and is exiting again, but b/c he chose to put Lilly first…b/c he truly does love her.


incase you didnt know…i love them both so very much!


4 AM update:  let’s remember the order very clearly…yes, i received the messages from her/the others and yes, he messaged me moments later saying nearly the same thing. it’s Christmas time…predictably so, people go out. he was going to call me when he got home. he did call me before he went to bed. (see, he kept his word!) he gave me his quiet, sweet voice as the last thing of the night even though i had fallen asleep…

i just couldnt keep my eyes open a moment longer…i sent him a message wishing him good night at some point, but he became interested in a movie. it happens…it was probably a very interesting movie…hehe… people do that too. stating obvious human patterns does nothing…i will remember that. the movie was probably a favorite and he became caught up in the best part knowing he would call me right after. suggesting it wasnt a movie to erode me again will not work today. i am not his invisible fence. he does not need to call me at every step or before he wipes his nose! he is not on a short leash. he thinks of me, he calls me…but he does have a life separate from me and always will!! i know what you are doing…but he did call me last night and left me a sweet message. i have erased all others. i choose to believe him…i choose to believe his words always. his message was there under yours when i awoke at 2. yes, yours scared me for a moment, but he called…just as he said he would. there…always as he said he is. you cannot touch that regardless of what she tells you! he is far more thoughtful and truthful than what you paint and yes, i do love him…stupid as i may be in your eyes…it is not a wasted sentiment!

it must have been a dream i had

1 12 2008

i smiled

and laughed…freely laughed over silliness of a simple word

and played

(it was odd too, for Lilly,who normally fights for the object…was quite content hearing who she wanted only briefly and then happy to be in the presence of me and a world of nonsense responses…she seemed most satisfied with the mood and crawled away to snuggle with a now-near-empty photobook…comforted enough by the sounds around her to fall asleep…all being right with her lil world.)

and i was sooooo very happy for almost and hour

(but it vanished again)

i want to get back to that sweet place…it seemed so real for a bit …so real that i felt that strange feeling of confidence starting to build again

(it is gone now…completely)

it is morning and i have awoken with renewed fear (what will she do now?)

it was only a dream that i had…nothing real…no right to ask him to come…to visit… to stay…(dreams dont stay)

oh, but this one i really wanted to hold for then and always

smiles…smirks…tracing the edges…tracing around the edge of his right ear…and whispering…yes…around the edges of his hairline…and down his neck…yes…around his back…and pulling him closer…yes…untucking his shirt… and riding the amazing possibilities…YES!



yes… i wanted to hold that one for a lil while longer (and then forever)

but i did not hear the door…and the dream was broken apart when Bryan walked in “to check on me” (he was not part of the dream…)

i wish to go back to the land of “Yes!” (it is unsafe) but oh, for a moment i forgot everything (lists, orderly lines, worries and stupid promises and fears disappear in its company)

smiles and kisses


24 11 2008

i’ve been lying here a bit…again

that numb tingled state after a much-needed and very overdue 2 hours of contiguous sleep.

the Buffalo Bills won (shhh… of course we know they should have won against KC…but dont say that too loud or the fates will hear and spoil their chances with SF)

sleeping-2i smile b/c Lilly and i desperately needed that sleep…it has been a while…in fact, i was wholly unaware that i was asleep…until, of course, i awoke to Lilly crawling over the top of me and conversing with the dead phone…

she seemed happy…squeals and giggles and “me-dahs”…and the ocassional “muah” b/c kissing sounds are her trademark lately (well, when she’s not been sick).

i will let her play with it a bit longer…it’s dead or the battery has slipped from its duct-taped case. idk… it’s good to see her giggle again… it has been a few days. (and she loves what that phone has come to represent in her tiny lifetime.)

sleeplessness may have directly altered my perception… we are hunkered down in the kitchen behind the pennisula…though the house is a fortress of locks and barricades. my counselor talked me down… there is very lil i can do about certain situations (and there is nothing i will do in other situations…it would end up hurting the one i want to hurt the least!)

i guess it all really doesnt matter…Lilly’s giggling and i have awoken from a couple pleasant memories and one incredible dream…i will lie here and blush a few moments more in the hazy remnants…unfinished, but yeah…

and when i can regain my focus…i will need to make several orderly lists to carry me through what needs to be done in the real world…for the rest of the week.


three for three


2 AM update: mmm… there are times (many, many frequent times) that i wish you never had a gf…i know you do… i’ve come to realize you did from the start and when i found out about her it took all my strength (and then some) to be good …to stay away… (b/c i never wanted you for a night…you, my dearest love, were meant to be savored…rinsed and repeated…every inch kissed and explored and touched…BIG SMILES). and times…like now… i can still so clearly hear your voice in my head… deep, low and seductively sweet. and at this moment…i want to taste and …ooo the things i want to do to you…. i sooo wanna play (!!!!!)

Better When We’re Together…

11 08 2008

there was a very long time when i thought this was ours…

i do realize now that it was yours only…you gave it to me for a bit…just to borrow…and because of that, i cant hear it without thinking of you

but you’ve given it to someone else to keep.

(nothing you offered me was real…they were nice words and dreams that you never thought i would expect…and were said to me because i was always too unsure of myself to believe they were mine to accept and keep. it’s ok…you werent the first person to make me fleeting offers…you just never realized that my feelings for you were far more real and permanent…i’m sry…entirely my fault for not knowing the difference.)