27 08 2008

so, yes…i supposed to write about the phone calls…about the phone calls and the games and the Lexus and HIM…the very things that had me sent to the counselor again.

(but Aslan is off-limits…he is strictly off limits, you hear me??!! NEVER in your life have you ever met a man so entirely selfless and amazing and thoughtful…you may not touch him…you may not analyze his actions or who he is, b/c he is the one and only bit of proof left to me that there is kindness in this world! he is everything wonderful and good! you may not criticize or comment on him or his actions…EVER!)

i slipped…that is all…the idiot who said “sticks and stone may break my bone, but names will never hurt me” is just that…and idiot.

b/c names hurt. calling my 6 mos old daughter a “little shit” among other things hurts. it hurts to be called a “whore”, yes. it hurts to be called a “bitch and an ugly cunt.” it hurts to be sent back a package with big black lettering scrawled across the top saying “UNWANTED you fucking cunt!” it really hurts to be called “crazy.” it also hurts to be told he was only using me for sex and that everything he said to me and gave me he had given to her first. it hurts that she can quote him…she can quote us.

but it is what it is…

what hurts more is what she says about him. what she says about him and his sons. they are not “spoiled brats…” they are not “fucking pains in the ass” and Aslan is not “lazy, worthless”…not sometimes…not ever. he does not need to be changed…he does not need to be fixed…he does not need to be controlled…not EVER. he is not in need of a mother…he has one and the one he has is wonderful by every measure. if he was such a “lazy, disgusting, horrible loser and bad fuck,” why would she keep tormenting me to keep him??? (she knows the truth of it…she does know that he is everything worthwhile…he means the world) but saying those things about him…all the time she is mean to him…it just hurts me more (and she/they know it!) b/c i know in my heart that is the life and love he chose.

and to be told that he told her everything and they laugh at me together…that he wanted to fucking punch me too… that i was laughable, but he grew tired and bored of me and just wanted me gone (its not true…he left…he wanted to be with her yes…and he cant be with her and talk to me)

but he’d never hurt me…please God…i need that to be true…

i know what she wrote…what they wrote (not Aslan…never Aslan). maybe it wasnt him “Ozzee”…i always assumed my mystery caller was Jenna (well, no, that’s not true…at first i couldnt…i wouldnt believe that he would share a life with someone so vicious…he has two precious sons…he wouldnt choose someone that would seek to harm someone else… he wouldnt…i couldnt believe it was her. but then Aslan said over and over again it was her…and the things she described…the illicit pics of him that she sent me…it could only be her…who else would have that kind of access to him and to me…she never actually said her name…Morgan said his, but that’s another story…she never actually said her name…and the calls have come in from 11 different numbers) well yeah, at first, Aslan said she had no way to find me…that she never saw his phone…but at first we didnt think it was her (Jenna) and then, as the calls became more frequent…as the messages became more distinct…he even said one of the numbers was actually hers…he believed it to be Jenna…i still didnt want to believe…but after the threats that began in January…i had no choice but to believe it was her. (she knows a great deal about me…all i know about her is her name is Jenna, Aslan said she has a gold house…i know she has a beautiful smile b/c she sent me several pictures…and i know her to be vicious and cruel and threatening…relentless in her pursuit of me and determined…so much so that i was and AM in fear of her… i have done nearly everything she has commanded for the past 6 mos out of fear of what she may be capable of!) but as i said…he claimed not to know how she had access to me…  except well then in February… she saw my luck message to him. (harmless, benign and completely unromantic! just wishing him luck in court.) THEN…that day… she had access…and that simple message made him so upset…losing HER made him so upset. she forwarded me a message in May where he told her he was crying without her (or something like that…i dont go back there anymore) the thought of being without me never had that affect on him. i dont have that affect on anyone

he cant be held accountable from something he doesnt even remember…besides…he made it clear what he felt about me…about Lilly…we were embarrassments for him (though i dont think he remembers exactly why) he said he didnt want his family to meet me…wouldnt bring us to meet any of them for a year after Lilly was born. did Jenna know that? did she laugh at how ashamed of me he was? how could i ever face them when there was so much about me he wanted never to see. (no…he’s a good man…he simply didnt remember that night…he didnt remember…and cant be held responsible for something he cant remember possibly creating…maybe…that small chance that she was…he had no memory…i knew that the day after.)

or maybe…as much as i’m hoping that one moment created ___ he’s always equally hoped it didnt.

so yeah… the game…stupid online…occupy the time while the baby sleeps and you cannot online game. i’m not all that great at games…but i had accumulated loads of money. the first 18 attacks (him, then her…Ozzee, then Klondike Kate) i didnt really pay attention to the names. they sent me to the hospital and i would use the game $$ to pay my way out of the hospital and then WOW…i would have no time to do another move before they attacked again…he would attack first depleting me and sending himself to the hospital…then she would swoop in for the kill. i used the funds to repair myself 3 times only to have them instantly attack again. so then i went away for 20 mins…i came back and found i was once again in the hospital via Ozzee and Klondike Kate…and then the name hit me…

and then the phone rang…well not rang…you’ve seen my phone…it is silent and is held together by duct tape…but it flashes the screen when i have a call… and it was her. “have enough bitch? he wants you gone for good this time! says you need to be sent back to the fucking hospital for real and out of his life.” i hung up…said nothing, but hung up…shortly after…she sent 27 text messages that said the exact same thing.

and i wanted to prove that one was not related to the other…i had no idea how she would have found my game name out of all the others…well except i had told Aslan what it was…only he and a handful of other knew my alias on that game.

and i paid 4 million in recoop fees and they were always there instantly to take me down. if i had gone through 4 million, Ozzee must have blown through 8 million… and he didnt have many assets to begin with…idk how

klondike kate was relentless. i thought for sure after the 1st hr that they’d get bored…but they didnt… i thought after the 2nd hr they’d have something else to do… but they didnt

and then a new call and text came in…”you need the shit beaten out of you and Ozz wants to do it! he wishes you never existed and wants you to die. not a game, for real bitch”

i logged off… i put the phone in the drawer… i grabbed my sleeping baby and crawled into the hall closet and sat there for hours…it was night when i came out

i told myself it wasnt my Aslan. i logged on once more and cautiously went to Mob Wars. of all my millions, i was down to very lil… there were 226 reports of Ozzee and Klondike Kate attacking and killing me, but enough time had passed that i was “healed” again…but no sooner did i put my finger on the mouse pad then they attacked again…tag-teaming me

how many hours…and that had been their sole goal for the day? that is how they spent their day? hovering…stalking…watching and destroying me.

i left them a message on facebook…telling them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day… i text back the number on my phone and told her/them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day…i grabbed Lilly and drove to the store. got on the pay phone and called HIM (not Aslan…HIM…the guy who also took fun and pride in kicking the shit out of me and sending me to the hospital over-and-over again for years…”Gary”/Paul)

i just wanted it over with…i had no place to take Lilly…i had NO ONE to take Lilly…but thought… perhaps… after Aslan (for i was certain it was him then) took his anger out on me…sharing hits and kicks and punches with Paul… that maybe Aslan would take Lilly

he once said he wanted her

no…i wasnt thinking

i was reacting… it is what i do… but then i was hit by the car walking across the parking lot

and recognizing my hysteria was far more than concern for Lilly (she was shielded by my body) and my health… they called in you.


and so now…there is the wound for you and she and the others to feed upon. i have come to realize that people find great joy in tearing me apart.

but Aslan is completely off limits…you have never met a man as kind, gentle and thoughtful as he is… he and Lilly are my world! he is my hope for one day…he is my proof in goodness. you may not touch him!!!



(and yet i do remember…i put myself into these jeopardies…wanting so badly to be with him and finding any means necessary to get back to him. Eric and Dave should never have made him feel so low and useless. the lawyers had no business telling him that he was inappropriate and unacceptable. he should have known in my heart what the truth was…no matter how many times he leaves. i risked it all to come back! i remember it well!!! i would do it again in a heart Goodman aptbeat if he just understood his value…even if it meant that in effort to earn his greatest happiness i had to deal with Paul again…even if it meant facing Paul again to satisfy Aslan’s girl’s need for revenge and torture…. i remember where i was 1 yr ago and 2 yrs before that. she tries to rewrite or to tell me my version is completely wrong…but Aslan Sweeney is my proof that goodness does exist…i would do anything for that. i remember this even if he sometimes forgets! even if he forgets what the pic signifies…i will remember)

contradictions in my head…who are you and why should i matter so much?

26 08 2008

facebook is gone… it will be completely removed within hours…

i attempted to do the same with all myspaces. cant remember my code for one to delete… remembered the code for the private one, but looking at it again was like touching your skin…warm, comforting and wonderful. (cant remember the code for the slideshow either…our faces will forever be mingled and smiling and soooo hopeful…)

and then i looked back at THE myspace…where we began…i remember the excitement and newness (and i remember how everyone said that would wear off…that kind of thrill for another person never lasts) nearly three years later, and no, i never did lose my spark for you…the eager anticipation…each word from you still brought me smiles and squeals and endless toe wiggles just as they had when we were new in the adventure of “us.” touching the edges of my soul and awakening every nerve ending with want… you and i are still tangled fingers

smiles and kisses

i tried but i cannot delete them…the myspaces…i dont want to go back and look there anymore hereafter…but i cannot remove the gloriously loving world you created for me…so i imported some of it here…to remember…

 from you i gained my courage to speak and walk again…from you i learned how to dream and how to love. from you i learned what a parent should be…tenderness and gentleness and thoughtfulness and so much more

sadly, with that said, i need to apologize…apologize so deeply for thinking it was you that was attacking me on facebook. you stopped talking and the attacks became even more brutal and widespread…and, even though in my heart i knew you would not, COULD NOT, do that…be that…seeing the name Ozzee associated again and again with what was happening…i came to the wrong conclusion…arranged the imaginable (which, if you had known i would deliberately call him again…face him again…you would have been even more disappointed in me…but at the time…it felt right to be suicidal…i thought you wanted me hurt…impossible to think it now…but at that moment…in that instant…with what was being said…i had been falsely convinced)

i am an easy target. i apologize for that too. they do this…those people who find joy in hurting others…they do this because they know there is no one who would dare or care enough to watch my back. i have people who clean me up after…well sometimes…but i have no one to stand beside me…my fault…i know…

i’m simply not important enough to anyone to actually matter.

and for a moment i forgot…when i accused you of ______________ (though you were probably never aware of the conflict)…i’m sorry for that. i dont know how i could do that…i promised you that i would always believe in you and i failed. for years i have defended you to everyone (even though you may not have cared or were unaware i did such a thing…meh, it sounds like hollow bragging now that i’ve typed it…of course you could have cared less and you would never ask me to do such a thing) and here i failed you when i was really tested.

my head is a mess… i have always needed to write this jumbled mess out…i remember diaries as a child…that later became filled with cut-outs of flowers pasted page-on-page…i always needed to leave a message in a bottle sent out into the world (knowing most people would have the wisdom to ignore it as pointless trash)…but maybe at the same time hoping? someone would stop…someone would care to stay

the doctor said it is a cry for help and that you were the only one (for whatever reason) i was willing to let in enough to read me.

i dont know…i tend to push people away. your brother (in the beginning) was dismissed just as quickly as i dismiss anyone…10 conversations and i’m bored… or wary.

she says i have been grieving for the last year. she said all my actions were normal under quite amplified conditions. she said the people who continually call me are also acting normal…for them…because they have been raised in an atmosphere to expect to push their demands…especially on people who are alone, without support or perceived weaker in some way…wielding power within their own minor lives. (i remember your girl’s pic. she didnt look minor at all to me.)

i am weaker. i have no family. i am weaker. i have no backup plan. i am weaker. the man i love left and i cant make the feelings i have for him disappear as easily as he or anyone else does. i am weaker, because all i can think to do is hide. cower… hide … and pray that you and the boys are safe and happy.

i have glimmers of courage…and then it dissolves when pressed…

so my doctor said i should not give up journaling. she said i need to continue to talk to an imaginary you in my head since you, alone give me strength. you represent all things clean, hopeful and strong. (even though you are not, nor will you ever be again in my life)

she said your actions were quite extraordinary (well, when she finally accepted that i was not embellishing). the way you were patient and kind… pulling back and listening… and giving me things to look at and look forward to. wanting to take on my daughter when your life is already quite full. she said you listened deeply…a skill so few people possess…and that you knew that i feared Lilly turning out just like me…watching, hoping and waiting for a father who rarely came. she said in that you filled (possibly from that first night on AIM, that one thing i longed for the most…a man who put his child first) she said that and so many other truthful and wonderful things about you…about how you gave me something that even the most well-trained professionals fail at… a dream. something to reach for…hope

everyone needs something to hold on to.

you let me know it was ok. you let me know when you were proud of me.

i am a mess. she said i have been sick. not like dr. blah, but the same diagnosis…and that most people wouldnt have survived it all…


and so i write…

i shouldnt matter to those people who know you and chase me around like the village monster. i am nothing to you… i pose no threat to their world… i never have.

i am so very small and insignificant…the world has passed me by and all i can hope for now is to give Lilly a life better than this (though i dont know how when i am so quite literally damaged.) but perhaps i will give her something to be proud of in my work…the jobs occupy many hours, but it is clean and safe and allows me to be with Lilly so she does not have to rely on a world of unknowns and predators

(and you said you were proud of me…i’m certain that sense of pride has evaporated from your mind…but you said it more than once and that feeling i keep)

so i need to keep you inside my head and here. i will not bother you. thinking only of you here and in my head.

i will not look. i will keep to myself and stay inside my world and far and away from yours (but my love for who you are and all you have done for me will never go away)

i cannot go to Italy. it was the 2nd precious thing you gave me and i cannot go there ever without you.

she says i need to write it down and then look at the words…just here. til i am whole. (if that can ever happen.) just here.

lonely words on a page that are suppose to mend my soul.