you make me tremble…

14 10 2008

there have…in my life…been people who made me tremble. they were the types of people who would make a 350 lbs linebacker tremble…in fear

you make me tremble for an entirely different reason. i’m not sure if you’ve ever heard it in my voice, but i am shaking right now…upon thoughts of you…as i type (and retype) this. i long to hear your voice…but at what cost?

please…

dont you know what the sound of your voice does to me? dont you understand the effort…the control it takes for me to make sure i dont spoil what you already have… what you have that so obviously makes you happy?

dont you know the effort it takes to convince myself that niceness doesnt mean what i want it to mean.

you have never spent hours staring down at a keyboard knowing that no matter what you do or say…it will inevitibly lead to disaster, abandonment and losing you again

why do you have to be so incredible?

don’t you know how frightened i am to move? you test me with phone calls… completely oblivious that i have been hounded…tormented by phone calls from different numbers for a very long time. is it you this time…is it her/them?

you are ashamed of me because i am such a coward!

and yet….

why do you have to be such a wonderful, incredible, generous, thoughtful, sweet, loving, creative, nice, bold, amazing and gorgeous smartass that i want so badly but cant have.

you are my punishment…for a life mislead…for all the guys-for-a-night from the bars who i stole without care for sport from their gfs (i always planned on returning them). SHE/THEY are my constant tormentors…to remind me…what i cant have… and what i can lose.

the one guy who didnt chose me (but who i still wanted so desperately in my life somehow…stupid and suicidal, huh?)

i didnt mean to hurt her…get that? i didnt mean to hurt her! i told you long ago that i could not fight for you…you needed to want me…but i could not force anyone to want me…i’ve tried in my life to be wanted by people…it never works…it doesnt work for me anyhow. no one stays for me

and at the same time that you and i were telling each other everything that we keep secret from the rest of the world…you told me too… you told me that you have a tendency to revist old gfs when things get rough or when you’ve just broken up or fought with the current girl…you told me you rebound and revist…a junkies fix with a sure thing. (old gfs…except…Aslan, i’ve never had a boyfriend in my life)

i didnt mean to hurt her!

was i the rebound, the revist or the real thing? i just dont know…you dazzle me so much…i am soooo absolutely thrilled to have you in my life (even for a moment) that i simply dont care if i’m only supposed to be a temporary stop. i’m pretty clueless…i dont think i could ever tell the difference between someone actually liking me and someone wanting something from me.

it didnt help that she/they all told me it was the second choice…(it’s ok…that one has always been easier to believe and was the top reason why i always left whoever before 5AM… simply didnt expect whoever to remember me… simply didnt expect to matter…so i’d always leave before i’d get hurt…by them…by HIM… i’d leave

i dont know why you were different…i dont know why i let you inside… i didnt mean to fall in love with you.

but i also never meant to hurt her! she/they dont believe it…but it is absolutely true!

and every time you leave… i let you leave… silently without a fight…because i know (despite your great “i’ll never…” proclamations to the contrary)… you leave me to go back to her… your real choice

i do not chase after… i do not look in…when you leave, you make your feelings very clear by their silence…you want to be left alone

and i dont push or follow…for fear of hearing “i hate you” or “dont call, message, e-mail…” (you know the words… i dont look or follow … i give you the space and freedom of me that you desire)

and if you think this being said is somehow a criticism of you…you’d be wrong, because there is no anger or malice or loathing in me for you… just love Aslan… always just love for who you are. i wouldnt change you for the world… (i have thought on that considerably…and there is nothing i would change…i knew i wasnt the magic pill that would cause you to drink less, give up smoking or remain faithful to a person who neither excited nor interested you…)

i knew Aslan… the “i love yous” stopped…and it was fine…i was happy for whatever moment you could spare…because you ARE that wonderful…you ARE that precious… you are treasured because of who you are!!! (i knew you didnt love me… told you, i’m not the one they love…what i didnt realize was… somewhere along the line you stopped liking me…i just ignored the signs for a chance to be with you… you are everything!)

i would never want to do anything that would hurt the happiness you have found. (i just like keeping the memories of the moments tightly held to my heart…and replay them as needed…but sometimes even those you needed to remind me were too much for someone like me to expect)

so when you called out of the blue and i didnt know how to breathe… i know she/they will lash-out if they uncover it. i know i will become intoxicated by you… lost my heart and it is soooooo very difficult to keep my thoughts clear around you.

you call and i find myself thinking of your smirk… hearing your voice… your laugh… that glint in your eyes…looking forward to stories of your boys, your work, the truck, what you’re listening to, hamburger helper… i look forward to it all… every waking moment with thoughts of you…and then you invade my dreams…making me smile

you didnt pick up on it…me trying to be brave that day (i text when i know i will lose control hearing your voice…) telling you goodbye…without telling you goodbye… i dont want to cry or cause you distress… no guilt… you made your choice and you were always free to do so without having some meaningless girl chase at your heels… i’d text…quietly, mutely text so i did not hear your voice… smooth, charming, sensual….

text because i know what i ought to do

i know what i want to do…but i know what i ought to do (as i did on your birthday)

i dont know why you come back…but i dont want to hurt your girl… and i dont want your girl to hurt Lilly (me, i can live on the street without money… Lilly cant)

so i tremble…and in shame i stare helpless at a keyboard…cowering behind a device…i text things i dont mean to say

because… i cant read people or situations

and so i close my eyes…and tremble

resisting thoughts of your mouth against mine

resisting thoughts of your hands warm and sure…caressing my skin

perfect….wanting….satisfying

i am trying to do what i should for everyone’s happiness…yours, hers, Lilly’s

and so i trying to do the impossible…by resisting you

(but maybe one text message will be ok?)





Terrorized

27 08 2008

so, yes…i supposed to write about the phone calls…about the phone calls and the games and the Lexus and HIM…the very things that had me sent to the counselor again.

(but Aslan is off-limits…he is strictly off limits, you hear me??!! NEVER in your life have you ever met a man so entirely selfless and amazing and thoughtful…you may not touch him…you may not analyze his actions or who he is, b/c he is the one and only bit of proof left to me that there is kindness in this world! he is everything wonderful and good! you may not criticize or comment on him or his actions…EVER!)

i slipped…that is all…the idiot who said “sticks and stone may break my bone, but names will never hurt me” is just that…and idiot.

b/c names hurt. calling my 6 mos old daughter a “little shit” among other things hurts. it hurts to be called a “whore”, yes. it hurts to be called a “bitch and an ugly cunt.” it hurts to be sent back a package with big black lettering scrawled across the top saying “UNWANTED you fucking cunt!” it really hurts to be called “crazy.” it also hurts to be told he was only using me for sex and that everything he said to me and gave me he had given to her first. it hurts that she can quote him…she can quote us.

but it is what it is…

what hurts more is what she says about him. what she says about him and his sons. they are not “spoiled brats…” they are not “fucking pains in the ass” and Aslan is not “lazy, worthless”…not sometimes…not ever. he does not need to be changed…he does not need to be fixed…he does not need to be controlled…not EVER. he is not in need of a mother…he has one and the one he has is wonderful by every measure. if he was such a “lazy, disgusting, horrible loser and bad fuck,” why would she keep tormenting me to keep him??? (she knows the truth of it…she does know that he is everything worthwhile…he means the world) but saying those things about him…all the time she is mean to him…it just hurts me more (and she/they know it!) b/c i know in my heart that is the life and love he chose.

and to be told that he told her everything and they laugh at me together…that he wanted to fucking punch me too… that i was laughable, but he grew tired and bored of me and just wanted me gone (its not true…he left…he wanted to be with her yes…and he cant be with her and talk to me)

but he’d never hurt me…please God…i need that to be true…

i know what she wrote…what they wrote (not Aslan…never Aslan). maybe it wasnt him “Ozzee”…i always assumed my mystery caller was Jenna (well, no, that’s not true…at first i couldnt…i wouldnt believe that he would share a life with someone so vicious…he has two precious sons…he wouldnt choose someone that would seek to harm someone else… he wouldnt…i couldnt believe it was her. but then Aslan said over and over again it was her…and the things she described…the illicit pics of him that she sent me…it could only be her…who else would have that kind of access to him and to me…she never actually said her name…Morgan said his, but that’s another story…she never actually said her name…and the calls have come in from 11 different numbers) well yeah, at first, Aslan said she had no way to find me…that she never saw his phone…but at first we didnt think it was her (Jenna) and then, as the calls became more frequent…as the messages became more distinct…he even said one of the numbers was actually hers…he believed it to be Jenna…i still didnt want to believe…but after the threats that began in January…i had no choice but to believe it was her. (she knows a great deal about me…all i know about her is her name is Jenna, Aslan said she has a gold house…i know she has a beautiful smile b/c she sent me several pictures…and i know her to be vicious and cruel and threatening…relentless in her pursuit of me and determined…so much so that i was and AM in fear of her… i have done nearly everything she has commanded for the past 6 mos out of fear of what she may be capable of!) but as i said…he claimed not to know how she had access to me…  except well then in February… she saw my luck message to him. (harmless, benign and completely unromantic! just wishing him luck in court.) THEN…that day… she had access…and that simple message made him so upset…losing HER made him so upset. she forwarded me a message in May where he told her he was crying without her (or something like that…i dont go back there anymore) the thought of being without me never had that affect on him. i dont have that affect on anyone

he cant be held accountable from something he doesnt even remember…besides…he made it clear what he felt about me…about Lilly…we were embarrassments for him (though i dont think he remembers exactly why) he said he didnt want his family to meet me…wouldnt bring us to meet any of them for a year after Lilly was born. did Jenna know that? did she laugh at how ashamed of me he was? how could i ever face them when there was so much about me he wanted never to see. (no…he’s a good man…he simply didnt remember that night…he didnt remember…and cant be held responsible for something he cant remember possibly creating…maybe…that small chance that she was…he had no memory…i knew that the day after.)

or maybe…as much as i’m hoping that one moment created ___ he’s always equally hoped it didnt.

so yeah… the game…stupid online…occupy the time while the baby sleeps and you cannot online game. i’m not all that great at games…but i had accumulated loads of money. the first 18 attacks (him, then her…Ozzee, then Klondike Kate) i didnt really pay attention to the names. they sent me to the hospital and i would use the game $$ to pay my way out of the hospital and then WOW…i would have no time to do another move before they attacked again…he would attack first depleting me and sending himself to the hospital…then she would swoop in for the kill. i used the funds to repair myself 3 times only to have them instantly attack again. so then i went away for 20 mins…i came back and found i was once again in the hospital via Ozzee and Klondike Kate…and then the name hit me…

and then the phone rang…well not rang…you’ve seen my phone…it is silent and is held together by duct tape…but it flashes the screen when i have a call… and it was her. “have enough bitch? he wants you gone for good this time! says you need to be sent back to the fucking hospital for real and out of his life.” i hung up…said nothing, but hung up…shortly after…she sent 27 text messages that said the exact same thing.

and i wanted to prove that one was not related to the other…i had no idea how she would have found my game name out of all the others…well except i had told Aslan what it was…only he and a handful of other knew my alias on that game.

and i paid 4 million in recoop fees and they were always there instantly to take me down. if i had gone through 4 million, Ozzee must have blown through 8 million… and he didnt have many assets to begin with…idk how

klondike kate was relentless. i thought for sure after the 1st hr that they’d get bored…but they didnt… i thought after the 2nd hr they’d have something else to do… but they didnt

and then a new call and text came in…”you need the shit beaten out of you and Ozz wants to do it! he wishes you never existed and wants you to die. not a game, for real bitch”

i logged off… i put the phone in the drawer… i grabbed my sleeping baby and crawled into the hall closet and sat there for hours…it was night when i came out

i told myself it wasnt my Aslan. i logged on once more and cautiously went to Mob Wars. of all my millions, i was down to very lil… there were 226 reports of Ozzee and Klondike Kate attacking and killing me, but enough time had passed that i was “healed” again…but no sooner did i put my finger on the mouse pad then they attacked again…tag-teaming me

how many hours…and that had been their sole goal for the day? that is how they spent their day? hovering…stalking…watching and destroying me.

i left them a message on facebook…telling them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day… i text back the number on my phone and told her/them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day…i grabbed Lilly and drove to the store. got on the pay phone and called HIM (not Aslan…HIM…the guy who also took fun and pride in kicking the shit out of me and sending me to the hospital over-and-over again for years…”Gary”/Paul)

i just wanted it over with…i had no place to take Lilly…i had NO ONE to take Lilly…but thought… perhaps… after Aslan (for i was certain it was him then) took his anger out on me…sharing hits and kicks and punches with Paul… that maybe Aslan would take Lilly

he once said he wanted her

no…i wasnt thinking

i was reacting… it is what i do… but then i was hit by the car walking across the parking lot

and recognizing my hysteria was far more than concern for Lilly (she was shielded by my body) and my health… they called in you.

 

and so now…there is the wound for you and she and the others to feed upon. i have come to realize that people find great joy in tearing me apart.

but Aslan is completely off limits…you have never met a man as kind, gentle and thoughtful as he is… he and Lilly are my world! he is my hope for one day…he is my proof in goodness. you may not touch him!!!

 

 

(and yet i do remember…i put myself into these jeopardies…wanting so badly to be with him and finding any means necessary to get back to him. Eric and Dave should never have made him feel so low and useless. the lawyers had no business telling him that he was inappropriate and unacceptable. he should have known in my heart what the truth was…no matter how many times he leaves. i risked it all to come back! i remember it well!!! i would do it again in a heart Goodman aptbeat if he just understood his value…even if it meant that in effort to earn his greatest happiness i had to deal with Paul again…even if it meant facing Paul again to satisfy Aslan’s girl’s need for revenge and torture…. i remember where i was 1 yr ago and 2 yrs before that. she tries to rewrite or to tell me my version is completely wrong…but Aslan Sweeney is my proof that goodness does exist…i would do anything for that. i remember this even if he sometimes forgets! even if he forgets what the pic signifies…i will remember)