12 06 2009

it was a message a few days old…i only noticed it because i was short $63.71 for a bill and needed to dig into the cookie jar (the savings place for all things precious and painful…which is where i keep the phones so Lilly doesnt get at them anymore).

there were a few voice messages i chose not to listen to…but for an insanely stupid reason i allowed my heart to be hopeful when i saw the texts messages (but not a one was from you…which i really should have known.)

what was there left me numb (though, yes, i know it should not have… i know you left more than an hour ago…i do…i know that maybe what she/they/whoever said is true and you were never “with” me…only with her.)

oh please…i dont know when it will stop…these feelings and that stupid hope…i dont know how to stop (besides what they tell me i need to do to appease them…my punishment for loving a man who was never mine)

i saw her/their/whoever’s message…and i know now it is final

a baby!!!

you and she are expecting a baby (i dont know why i feel it isnt long enough…i dont know why i keep thinking you just left…i, of all people know that it only takes one instance…i’m sorry for being so selfish)

you are engaged and expecting a baby with the girl you love… i know that is what you want. you are a good father and though i thought you wanted children only with me… i know i really misread that.

you are having another baby…i am happy for you, really…because i know that you love children and you have wanted more for a very long time.

congratulations to you, Zach, Mike and your girl…all the sweetest blessings to you all!!!

i dont think the rain will be so bad…i think i need to take a walk (but leave Lilly home). just something i need to do. (old neighborhood and Meigs i guess…nothing was real…nothing meant for me)