Protected: in my life
15 07 2009Comments : Enter your password to view comments.
Tags: Aslan Sweeney, custody, daddy, hugs and kisses, Lilly, Lilly Sweeney?
Categories : Uncategorized
Protected: Thank You…
14 05 2009Comments : Enter your password to view comments.
Tags: Aslan Sweeney and Melissa Eider, blocked, damage, fault, Lilly, silence, thank you
Categories : Aslan, Tink and Lilly, Damaged
Protected: the sky is crying…again
7 05 2009Comments : Enter your password to view comments.
Tags: Erie, gray, honda, Lilly, there's no point, walk
Categories : Damaged
Protected: i’m pretty sure they were sprinkles
7 05 2009Comments : Enter your password to view comments.
Tags: bench, checklist, Lilly, Paige, phone, red truck, smile, sprinkles, Tara
Categories : Aslan, Tink and Lilly, Things and Stuff
Protected: creeping desperation
12 04 2009Comments : Enter your password to view comments.
Tags: Lilly, wanting Aslan Sweeney so badly but is it real this time?
Categories : Uncategorized
now i lay me down to sleep…
13 01 2009Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: Lilly, prayer, she misses you too
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie
Lilly’s tree
16 12 2008this was not exactly the way i had hoped it would be… i imagined him with us, helping us pick it out
do i sound disappointed? idk…resigned or relieved or…idk…i guess there isnt a word b/c although a part of me is very sad that i’ve somehow flushed another dream…he made the process ok by telling me to get her a tree.
i had his permission to do this alone, b/c i think he weighed everything (as he always does…b/c his whole “thinking” process actually yields something…hehe) and as he considered everything, he saw a bigger picture than i did.
Lilly…the kids come first. he got a tree for his kids…separate and having nothing to do at all with us…and then he told me to get one. “get Lilly a tree” is what he told me. and so i did. separate for separate lives…b/c that is what it needs to be. (it was only a silly dream anyhow. he is far more practical and thoughtful)
and we no sooner got the bugger back in the house and propped in a stand in the front window (not gracefully at all) then the dryer broke.
(i have mentioned my knack at grabbing for something wanted and losing something else? pfft…the dryer’s under warranty…i only wish my relationships came with a warranty. lol)
Lilly’s tree is in the front window. we wrapped it with white lights (of the non-blinking variety). it looks clean.
he made it ok. i remembered to breathe and also remembered that it was his idea (which made the whole process easier…i dont think he told me to do it out of frustration.)
Mrs. V. took an outside pic of the tree for Lilly and i. the pic looks other-worldly…it is caused by the glare from the window panes against the lights. the pic grows on you. Lilly and i have a Christmas tree.
i was looking for ornaments…thought i’d make one with Lilly’s name and birthdate on it for her first Christmas…but neither store had pink ornaments.
i like pink.
once upon a time i had a tinkerbelle ornament too, i think…like so many things from that time…idk what became of it. Aslan had a Santa for the top of his tree…i wanted a fairy on top of mine.
i didnt find one.
i do feel bad (idk why these things always make me feel like i’ve cheated on him some how)…disappointed and thrilled all at once. we have a tree! it is in the front room safely behind closed doors so Lilly can look but cant get hurt.
there is a squeaky cow, a fish and a stuffed monkey in the creche’…(Lilly decided to help) hehe… and an evergreen wreath on the door…none of it was how i dreamed it would be…but it will do…
they are coming to my house on Wednesday to inspect me. they may wonder why i spent my money and time on things so frivolous as a lit tree, wreath and creche’. i will always seem to have reason to worry… likewise i will always have reason to be insecure about Aslan…but tonight as Lilly drank her final bottle we sat beneath our tree and sang “twinkle twinkle little star” (she has recently picked up the movement of raising and moving her hand to the “up above the world so high…” lyric) we’re ok.
he told me to get her a tree…i choose to believe it was not b/c he’s giving up all hope and is exiting again, but b/c he chose to put Lilly first…b/c he truly does love her.
incase you didnt know…i love them both so very much!
4 AM update: let’s remember the order very clearly…yes, i received the messages from her/the others and yes, he messaged me moments later saying nearly the same thing. it’s Christmas time…predictably so, people go out. he was going to call me when he got home. he did call me before he went to bed. (see, he kept his word!) he gave me his quiet, sweet voice as the last thing of the night even though i had fallen asleep…
i just couldnt keep my eyes open a moment longer…i sent him a message wishing him good night at some point, but he became interested in a movie. it happens…it was probably a very interesting movie…hehe… people do that too. stating obvious human patterns does nothing…i will remember that. the movie was probably a favorite and he became caught up in the best part knowing he would call me right after. suggesting it wasnt a movie to erode me again will not work today. i am not his invisible fence. he does not need to call me at every step or before he wipes his nose! he is not on a short leash. he thinks of me, he calls me…but he does have a life separate from me and always will!! i know what you are doing…but he did call me last night and left me a sweet message. i have erased all others. i choose to believe him…i choose to believe his words always. his message was there under yours when i awoke at 2. yes, yours scared me for a moment, but he called…just as he said he would. there…always as he said he is. you cannot touch that regardless of what she tells you! he is far more thoughtful and truthful than what you paint and yes, i do love him…stupid as i may be in your eyes…it is not a wasted sentiment!
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Tags: Aslan, Christmas tree, creche, dreams, Lilly, ornaments
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie
prayers
5 12 2008Dear God,
please ease Lilly’s discomfort. she coughs so and it shakes her whole body…shivering and shaking from fever and fear. please God, give her rest. the coughing started in around 6:30 last evening…were there signs before that that i ignored? i am such a horrible mother! she shakes and coughs and then the pain from the coughs makes her cry which in turn make her cough again…her hair is pinned to her forehead with sweat and her watery eyes look to me for relief and i can offer her none.
i called the drs. office and could only get a late appt with the nurse practioner who dismissed the symptoms as a simple virus. didnt she read Lilly’s file? she has a heart condition and is more susceptible to RSV. no meds. coughing and listless..no meds? she said that is the new protocol…no meds and no otc suggestions.
i have never wept in a drs. office like that before. i never wanted to make a scene…i was operating on 2.5 hrs of sleep myself…i am so very sorry. i didnt mean to cry…no meds? i’m so sorry…she was just doing her job…and when i cry, Lilly cries…then coughs…then cries more
if only i had saved some of the meds from last time…but they come in ridiculously small bottles…and they are impossible to fit the medicine syringe in…measure out appropriate amounts and put them in the baby…inevitibly some of the medication leaks out of the corners of her mouth…or it spills b/c Lilly struggles with the process and turns herself this way and that way. (or it curdles in her stomach and she spits it up leaving me hoping that it did some good in the small amount of time it was actually within her body) baby medicine should come in bulk-size so that even i cant screw it up! but no…baby medicine comes in tiny quantities that cost nearly $100 each (even with the discount).
and drs. visits are $65…even if they do nothing
baby advil is $12…and i do not know how much the ticket would have cost…i remember driving down Middle Rd and being stopped at the stoplight…and watching the trucks pass before me as they make their way to 390…i remember the darkness and the glare from the lights… and the next thing i remember was the officer knocking at my window. drs. then wegmans for baby advil and it was 10 PM… i had fallen asleep at the traffic light…eyes open, but asleep…or checked out
he knocked, she cried…i came to. Henrietta police? he followed me down to a Sunoco and bought me a coffee (i dont drink coffee, but if it gets me out of a ticket…bring it!) i received a sympathetic lecture… then he followed me up 390 to the split for 490 to Roch (he went the other way thankfully…i was not sure how to handle it if he kept following me home).
i am a horrible person, unsuitable mother, unqualified worker…broken and damaged. i fell asleep with my daughter in the vehicle!!
please God…i have spent the night up rocking and walking and holding Lilly. we go in the steam of the bathroom, until, i guess i ran out of hot water completely (it only comes ice cold now)…i dont know what that is all about.
(9 AM edit—> broken water heater…obviously this was the answer to my prayers? $850…i give up…i resign! nothing, i can do nothing. i want and i am punished for speaking those desires…this is clearly a sign… clearly my answer!)
i have therapy at 9…which i should cancel, but will be looked upon suspiciously if i do. shouldnt the fact that i have no money left to make it through the next week and a half be enough?
and then… if there were any doubt…he did not call or text (not that he should have been expected to…idk…i’m completely messed up…COMPLETELY!) instead i received 1 call and 2 texts from her/them.
b/c i needed a reminder. i should not have said all that i had the other night to him…false confidence b/c it seemed that everything might be… but then i spoke…said nearly all that was in my heart and repulsed him. (and she must have found out which is why i have been issued a new series of threats)
nvm…things and stuff
i have a sick daughter and am working with no sleep…what else can his girl do to me? Lilly is sick…i have nothing to offer her and no way to comfort her…what could be worse?
please God, take care of my Lilly (and my Aslan, Zach and Michael)
(i need to be grateful for the moments…they were more than i deserved)
idk what i’m doing…i just know it hurts
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Tags: baby medicine, fear, Lilly, prayer, sick, sleep, Things and Stuff
Categories : Things and Stuff
through Lilly’s eyes
2 12 2008she has been crawling around since very early Monday looking in doorways and behind things chanting her “me-dah-dah”… in fact she seems to be obsessed with the way the “dah” sounds…has been since Sunday night.
i’ve grown accustomed to her chantings as she tries sounds… mama…baba (which later became baddle or bottle)… each sound seems to be attached to a specific object and it is quite curious watching her develop those connections between object and label.
i had thought, for quite some time now, that “me-dah” meant phone…and though she did bring the phone to me first thing Monday morning with a “me-dah” and big silly-tooth smile and hopeful eyes (i have no one to call, and most especially not at 4:30 in the morning! hehe) when that action produced nothing for her (dumb mommy!) she crawled back to the quilts and dragged her photobook over to me…and once again said “me-dah-dah.”
ok…yeah…i get it…she’s suppose to be learning our language…but i cant help but want to figure out hers…“me-dah” isnt phone? man, that just screws everything up! she grabbed the phone from my lap and placed it inside the photo album
she wants a purse?
and when that produced no results, she began crawling around chanting her “dah-dah-dah” sound. when the moving sound stopped i searched and found her standing beside the front window…just looking out.
i wonder if, through Lilly’s eyes, she feels like a caged animal sometimes…always looking out on the world b/c of the strange fears/things and stuff of her mother.
but she turned…smiled that silly-toothed smile…still standing there…barely able to see out over the ledge (she looks entirely too small to be standing)…she was silent for a moment then turned her left hand over and pulled her fingers in (the universal Lilly “come here” motion) and began her “dah” chant again.
later, when i took her upstairs to dress for the day, i swear i saw her looking under the bed for “dah”
baby charades…great!
sometimes she tries out sounds for a day…then seemingly content with her ability pronounce the new sound, she returns to her old behaviors…
or apparently not…
moments ago while i sat here rereading a proof, she began again…this time grabbing both the cell from my bag and her photobook…both were dropped in my lap and the “me-dah-dahs” began. if you could only see the pleading look on her face (i havent a clue what she needs…i would give it to her…i tried putting the phone in the book again…but that wasnt it)
she took it out…turned and pointed at empty pages in her book…and just when it appeared her eyes were welling up for a good cry of frustration (for having such a stupid mom…”MY GOD, GET IT WOMAN! ME-DAH!!!”) she rolled over to her belly and one-handed crawled back to the quilts with her prizes.
there she sits now…having a phantom conversation on the phone.
she’s not crying…it will do
me-dah!
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Tags: Lilly, me-dah, phone, talking
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie, smiles and kisses
it must have been a dream i had
1 12 2008i smiled
and laughed…freely laughed over silliness of a simple word
and played
(it was odd too, for Lilly,who normally fights for the object…was quite content hearing who she wanted only briefly and then happy to be in the presence of me and a world of nonsense responses…she seemed most satisfied with the mood and crawled away to snuggle with a now-near-empty photobook…comforted enough by the sounds around her to fall asleep…all being right with her lil world.)
and i was sooooo very happy for almost and hour
(but it vanished again)
i want to get back to that sweet place…it seemed so real for a bit …so real that i felt that strange feeling of confidence starting to build again
(it is gone now…completely)
it is morning and i have awoken with renewed fear (what will she do now?)
it was only a dream that i had…nothing real…no right to ask him to come…to visit… to stay…(dreams dont stay)
oh, but this one i really wanted to hold for then and always
smiles…smirks…tracing the edges…tracing around the edge of his right ear…and whispering…yes…around the edges of his hairline…and down his neck…yes…around his back…and pulling him closer…yes…untucking his shirt… and riding the amazing possibilities…YES!
yes
yes
yes… i wanted to hold that one for a lil while longer (and then forever)
but i did not hear the door…and the dream was broken apart when Bryan walked in “to check on me” (he was not part of the dream…)
i wish to go back to the land of “Yes!” (it is unsafe) but oh, for a moment i forgot everything (lists, orderly lines, worries and stupid promises and fears disappear in its company)
smiles and kisses
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Tags: Aslan, dreams, forever, Lilly, Melissa, smiles and kisses, vanished, YES
Categories : smiles and kisses, Things and Stuff
Lilly’s First Thanksgiving…
28 11 2008it matters to me…
the Norman Rockwell-like image of Thanksgiving. it matters to me.
i began the day writing a letter to my own mother…and my aunt Sheryl and my cousin Chelsea…and Christian, Dave, Eric,…and Aslan (i will not mail any of them…things and stuff…but i did start my day surrounded by thoughts of Lilly and those other loved ones) i wanted them to know that i was thankful and treasure the moments.
silly and sentimental…i know
Lilly and i showed up to shelter #1 at 7:30 AM. delivered pies and we were put right to work counting place settings, napkins, peeling and whatever else (Lilly supervised and looked cute…two tasks she excels at!)
at 1:40 PM we moved over to shelter #2 (not really a shelter…it was a church-sponsored program, but the recipients there seemed far worse off…you can just tell… eyes cast down…fresh sores and bruises…the kids clinging and nervous) i served for the most part there…and when things weren’t quite so busy, i pulled out a deck of cards and manage to coax a few kids to play a game…(my card game skills are limited to go fish and crazy eights…lol…but even that was eventually shut down by one of the church officials…pfft…me and my corrupt ways!! lol)
the parade of those needing to be fed seemed like it would go on forever…and i felt terrible for those who arrived late and didnt receive the full meal. other than breaks to feed, change and play with Lilly, i worked straight through (IT WAS WONDERFUL TO HAVE SOMETHING USEFUL TO DO and so many people who came were pleased to see Lilly there too)
dishes done, Lilly and i returned home…where upon we found Bryan in the driveway along with his daughter Molly. he anticipated that i wouldnt take the time to feed myself today (the food there wasnt for us to eat and so we didnt) so he made Lilly and i a care package of leftovers and brought me a turkey leg so i could make turkey soup.
Molly and Lilly sat upon the quilts looking at books. Bryan made us a fire and went to work in the kitchen…i must have looked pretty ragged, b/c he insisted that i had time to clean-up and change.
do you know that i dont actually recall the last time i took a bath or shower without Lilly with me? it felt entirely [sinfully] odd…but wonderful at the same time as my leg, back and left arm were aching terribly.
when i returned downstairs Bryan had the entire feast spread upon the table in the back (the one Lilly and i purchased a couple weeks ago from and antique store to go with our booth)…complete with candles. he handed me a mug of tea and…
and it was a very truly kind and memoriable gesture
he even did the dishes, brought me a glass of wine and sat upon the quilts with the girls and i…Molly attempting to teach Lilly songs she learned in preschool…
it was just a nice way to wind down the day.
before leaving Byran checked the fire for us one more time and said he had figured out Christmas decoration plans for the house…
he’s coming back tomorrow to check something on the furnace or something… idk…my brain is full
(and now i need to remember to breathe…b/c Lilly is holding out my phone to me…sry…she doesnt understand that my heart is broken and has been for a very long while now…sry)
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Tags: Aslan, breathe, Bryan, Christian, Lilly, Shelter, Thanksgiving
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie
Smiles and Giggles
27 11 2008we’ve been setting up and serving holiday meals. it’s a good way to lose yourself…working and seeing others who need so much and are grateful for so little.
just home…i always immediately put on some music (this place is big, although someone helped me, long ago, with picking out great colors to paint walls that warm it up [SMILES], it is still filled with far too many hidden spots and shadows. Lilly and i need noise and distraction!!)… so we’re late…and way off Lilly’s schedule (pfft…pipe dreams!) and so i dropped her to the floor with her books, fish and cow and headed over to get some rice ready for our dinner. i glanced over and discovered that she’s not on the quilt and so i came around the end of the pennisula (b/c boy can she sprint-crawl and get anywhere in no time!)…i spied Lilly…still in the kitchen…standing, holding herself with one hand against the pillar… bouncing, swaying and [I SWEAR] head banging along with this song.
smiling away in her lil one-baby-show.
i really wish you could have seen her, you would have loved it! you really would love her if you saw her too i think…though i may just be one of THOSE moms …smiles
naturally, i had to stop what i was doing and come over to the computer to look up the name of the song (you know i’m bad with song names and groups) …and then i searched for it on youtube… and now, playing it again in the background…she’s doing it again.
lol (hopefully you’ll picture it in your head when you hear the song below)
it is time for some rice for Lilly and i…then a bath… a bottle and a book. she will get to sleep long before i do tonight. the desserts went so quickly today that i promised to make an additional six.
i do like working at the church dinners and shelters about town…i wonder if it made as much of an impression on Lilly (i hope so)… i would like to think that i am raising her to be modest, grateful and compassionate
but how can i be sure? i offer her so lil…she could have had infinitely more…
i am blessed though…on cloudy days she finds a way to reach inside you and make you smile and giggle.
incase i dont get a chance…Happy Thanksgiving!!
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Tags: dancing, giggles, Lilly, smiles and kisses
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie, smiles and kisses
smiles and kisses at 1:15 AM
23 11 2008it is silent at the moment
no fussing or coughing
no cars or ghostly headlights tracing across the front wall
just me…holding her…warm and sweet and dreaming
hushed hours passing unnoticed by all
except me
and the tiny glowing embered remains of the fire
and the candle flame that dances at the window
always waiting
(and hopeful)
alone in my quiet nightwatch
i can still faintly hear
the most comforting sounds of you
falling asleep
and i smile
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Tags: Aslan, dreaming, light the candle, Lilly, quiet, smiles and kisses
Categories : smiles and kisses
2 AM Snowplow
21 11 2008it’s after 2AM and Lilly and i are walking about the house again. she is uncomfortable and needs to be held…i’m just walking with the weight of the world.
i heard that unmistakably loud rattled sound of a snowplow…not on my street… maybe not even plowing quite yet…a mid-night snow stalker booming down the next street over…
and i think of him
does he still plow? is he pushing snow around in that parking lot again…
he and i…sometimes so much alike…working the odd jobs to fill the spaces. quiet, solo employment…there but unseen
he’d text, b/c he’d know i was awake… a bit of mid-night company…he alone in his cab…me alone at Em’s apt on Beverly… (or later, when they let me bring her home, up to feed the baby)…
he’d text b/c he and i had this amazing connection where i’d suddenly think of him, look at my phone (needing him soooooo!) and there he was
smiles
eating the hours in between with the best companion…sweetest thoughts…two lonely souls… endless, tireless convesations and smiles that could warm the world on a cold winter night.
(i heard a plow and thought of you…)
smiles and kisses
lil notes in your pocket…and only you know why
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Tags: Aslan, Lilly, smiles and kisses, snowplow, sweetest thoughts
Categories : smiles and kisses, The greatest love story ever created
Lilly’s Snowflakes
17 11 2008it is snowing again in Rochester…our backyard looks like it has been covered with a light dusting of confectioners’ sugar. (just thinking about it makes my nose run)
Lilly crawled her way to the patio door and watched her breath fog the window panes…temporarily confused by the grayish breath-blob blocking her view…she rolled to her belly and moved herself over.
but then it became a game. she leaned in closer…almost licking the glass…and watched as the gray blur grew… then pounded Lilly prints in it…
squealed…wagged her arms and turned expecting praise for her fantastic NEW discovery.
lemme tell you…that was amusing for the first 25 times! (hehe)
then the flakes became larger…a ripe temperature for multiple flakes to stick together and resemble those compound constructions from Chem class. (do you remember those…styrafoam balls with letters stuck together with toothpicks??)
no longer content with watching the snow (she calls it “mo-z”) or fogging the window, her lil hand turned…palm-up… and fingers wiggling back and forth…Lilly wanted to be out in it and indicated in her universal “come here” motion.
several tackle-the-baby-struggle-with-the coat minutes later…we were out in it. she would have nothing to do with her mittens and hat. she wanted to feel the snow. (and wanted to stay out in it longer than i could bear its damp coldness in my blanket.)
it coated her eyelashes and instantly her tongue darted from her mouth to catch and taste the flakes falling from the sky. we walked about the yard and spied our squirrel. i shook a few deposits from the low branches which made her giggle and want to do the same.
rosey cheeked and satisfied…Lilly touched snow today.
i wish you had been here to see her, Aslan
smiles and kisses
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Tags: Aslan, first snow, fogging windows, Lilly, rosey cheeks, snowflakes, squirrel
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie, smiles and kisses
Memories from a Bookstore
11 11 2008the thermometer said 40 degrees…it lies of course, because i remember last march when 40 degrees felt soooo much warmer!
the sky foretold my mood…coarse splotches of sloe (it’s a word…look it up!) clouds…drs. appts and paying bills…i dislike tuesdays (dislike even more the fact that i am reduced to paying bills the day before their stated due date instead of immediately after they arrive in the mail!)
but i also had a meeting with Mike to talk surf and turf ideas for next season to look forward to (Mike makes seafood seem not quite so evil!)
…so with an hour to waste before heading into Pittsford Wegmans, Lilly and i tucked ourselves into Barnes and Noble and headed immediately back to the children’s section where i peeled her out of her excess (coat, hat and mittens…yes, mittens that she chewed to a damp rag!)…man was the children’s section crowded today…so much so that i hesitated placing her on the stage beneath the illustrated Winnie the Pooh cut-outs… but Lilly would hear nothing of breaking with that bookstore tradition! grabbing her a blue Sandra Boyton book (they’re cardboard and thus drool-proof) i sat Lilly on the left edge of the stage. idk…it’s her and i alone so much that i didnt think she would know what to do with the herd of other children (was today a holiday?).
but not Lilly…a turn and flop to her belly and then she and her book were up and crawling with purpose to the back section. she bypassed two lil girls (maybe age 6 or 7) and one blonde hair boy sitting forelornly and picking his nose (yes! well done, Lilly!)…and she trekked directly to the lil boy with the short dark brown hair and olive eyes (maybe 4 or 5 at most). once there, she sat to his left and held up her book to him nodding with the most earnest look. the young boy must have siblings, or a wonderful set of parents, because rather than instantly rebuking her, he turned and talked to her, pointing at her book (and eventually turning it upside-right) YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER HUGE SMILE!!!
and i breathed again
ok…maybe it’s just me…but these lil excursions sometimes feel like the ultimate test of my parenting. i remember when my sister Alyssa was lil and placed in a similar scene… she’d always be the child who would tear the toy, book, food, whatever from the other child’s hand or pull hair causing an avalanche of tears and mayhem. yes, she was lil…yes, babies are unpredictable (yes, there were times when Alex would make matters worse by chanting, “you can take her!” when he, himself was only 3) and mortified i’d always be the one to have to apologize and attempt to correct the behavior with the softest most embarrassed “no, no” scoop her up and duck away.
Lilly, i will be writing you a thank you note for this one…
Lilly sat with the dark haired boy for eleven minutes…but then i heard a mother’s voice callout, “Rory” and saw the lil boy stand, pat Lilly on the head and leave…and the smile turned instantly into a big-bottom-lipped pout…her eyes followed first…tearing and then she flopped to her belly once again and i think she was actually attempting to follow him. i searched the store quickly hoping to find the source of the mother’s voice (maybe a name? address? playdate? idk…what would you do??? this is Lilly’s heart!) but then the first of Lilly’s pitiful cries began and i had to wade my way through children to retrieve her. once scooped she curled her head against my chest and popped her thumb in her mouth…coat, hat, mittens and book all dropped.
face it…neither of us understand goodbyes.

i debated whether to leave the store instantly to preserve what was left of her dignity, but as we were walking past the back wall, Lilly spied a picture book with a pug on it entitled “I Once Ate A Pie.” i carried her over to the other side of the children’s section and we sat down and began reading the book…each page containing a different doggie on it (and yes, she can point to the doggies when asked)
not more than five pages into the book Lilly spotted the stuffed animal…first she pulled down Curious George in pjs and loved him to death…and then she did something i have never seen her do before… with strong lil arms, Lilly pulled herself up and stood next to the stuffed animal rack…wobbley at first, but held tight…reaching for the golden retriever stuffed animals above.
well, yeah, naturally, a cascade of golden retrievers, Curious Georges and a few other assorted stuffed animals came tumbling down on Lilly when she too fell to her butt. undaunted, Lilly turned and headed directly for the Thomas the Tank Engine table and stood again… this time she held fast to the table with one hand and pivoted around its perimeter. she watched and watched as this other lil girl moved the trains about the track and squealed and giggled. (while i picked up the pile of stuffed animals.)
after paying our bills this morning we had only $26.77 left for the week. i bought Lilly the Boyton book, and a cardboard “Curious George and the Bunny”…i think i can survive without the Benadryl and lotion for a while longer (with my discount, i should be able to afford 2% and juice). the book with the pug and the stuffed puppy were too dear in cost…
maybe i will be able to work the whole time next weekend and bring in extra tips. Aslan always says he spoils Zach, unapologetically…i do know what he means…some people save the presents for special holidays…but for some people the chance to spend time with their child IS a holiday.
smiles and kisses
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Tags: Aslan, bookstore, Doggies, Lilly
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie, smiles and kisses
a light in the window
9 11 2008fall weather is so fickle. one moment bright sun and apple picking, the next gray with cold dampness and rain unsuitable for anything but snuggling under blankets and reading. soon it will be time to revisit my front parlor (hardly a living room, as it sits empty and abandoned most of the year) and rediscover my 1st floor fireplace.
with any luck i will keep the fuel bill at bay!
our squirrel in the back continues to stockpile. much to Lilly’s joy, he is out there, on our patio, daily scrounging. i, at times, envy his fur coat! i think i will take his lead and stockpile some soup for the days ahead.
this post is most decidedly scattered…scattered and distracted…and in need of an organized list. (ooo…you hear that? a list!) part of the problem is that i can only half-attend to the computer.
Lilly is on the quilts on the floor, surrounded by a sea of books. Aslan reminds me to talk to her…it’s unnecessary advice, but it makes me smile nonetheless. (Aslan…she turns her head when you call out her name, she waves when asked…and sometimes independently, she hums, and turns the pages of each of her books, “talking” out loud as if she were reading the words on each one…smiles!!)
beside me on the stove i am cooking hot cocoa. i plan on giving Lilly her first tastes of chocolate once it has heated…then cooled to an appropriate temperature for her.
i experimented with gingerbread yesterday as the chill set in and have a good portion remaining on my counter. i made two whipped toppings…one regular and one with rum (perhaps fortifying myself for work last night…lol)
cocoa and gingerbread aside…i had a very unexpectedly delicious start to my weekend. i am still smiling as the after effects are dancing about in my brain. i find myself replaying bits and trying to understand if i missed a meaning. all was spilled so quickly on so many topics…and how on earth can you tell with IM…if someone is responding to the last comment or a comment two before???
silly language…by whatever means, it is sooooo easily misinterpreted.
nothing gained…nothing promised, but still i am happy for moments that were given to me…
once upon a time, people used to leave a single candle by a front window. that light symbolized and communicated so much more than words could express. it was a symbol of prayer for a loved one sent off to war…a single promise from wife to husband at sea to guide him safely home…a beacon for a weary traveler needing shelter from the storm…
there have been far too many storms in my life… but yesterday, i decided that i was going to once again light the candle in the front window. the first time i lit it in this house was Dec 7, 2007…and for the nights i was actually able to be in this house, i lit the candle (and several replacement candles) every night in hope…until Aug 4, 2008.
i will light the candle once again… it can easily say all the “things and stuff” that i fall far too short, incomplete and undeserving to communicate.
i am here…and you are thought of
smiles and kisses
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Tags: Aslan, light the candle, Lilly, smiles and kisses
Categories : Aslan, Tink and Lilly, Life with Lilly Jolie, smiles and kisses, Things and Stuff
crawling
2 11 2008we were sent home…
i have never been sent home from a job in my life…he said i was worthless to him tonight.
Lilly is wide awake…she has on her explorer’s face, revelling in the fact that she is home and without walls or confines of the crib for a night, no doubt.
she pushes herself up on her knees and rocks back…then looks up at me and smiles…a free daring smile. the quilts make the process slippery…and she often splats back down to her belly…but she doesnt give up, our lil one…in moments she’s back up and she wants me to chase (or at least pretend i’m gonna chase).
i was sent home… (ok…i know i was a bit shakey…it happens… but i was doing fine and we needed the money!)
and i know you said secret, but that didnt stop my dumb foolish brain from planning…from thinking…that maybe after your game last week you’d come by…i left the door unlocked for you…
stupid, stupid, worthless, scarred, ugly girl and her foolish dreams… wanting a family…wanting Lilly to have…(grabbing…always grabbing at unraveling threads)
a fool’s dream that you’d come by…because you wanted to…bringing the boys…because you wanted to…and the 5 of us would have a picnic upon the quilts (because i have no furniture…we’d tell the boys it was a picnic on purpose)…and if it were cold, you’d light a fire in the fireplace…we’d let the boys explore the house…pocket doors, hidden cabinets…lil boys love that! you’d relax knowing it was ok to let them run and explore and make themselves at home. always here it is ok…always
AND YES, I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE NOTHING…I HAVE ALWAYS GOT THAT!!!
but i heard your voice…didnt listen to what you said or pay attention to when or how…just heard your voice and i started dreaming…just like you taught me…and i thought from your voice…i made myself believe in things that couldnt be…that never were supposed to be…EVER…REALLY, I’VE UNDERSTOOD THAT FOR YEARS NOW!!!
like how you would come by…and grant me 4 wishes (the greatest of those being forgiveness…forgiving me for being sooooo entirely awful and cruel to you…forgiving me for being neglectful, nagging, and nothing to the most wonderful man ever created!)
except you never called again…the curiosity lost its whatever
and you never called again
and i know why
they sent me home tonight too…unwanted
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Tags: crawling, exploring, Lilly, sent home, the boys, unwanted
Categories : Things and Stuff
fall back
31 10 2008it was one of those breathtaking fall afternoons…bright blue, cloudless sky peeking above a crayon box of trees that line the road…i especially love the small vivid red tree at the corner of Culver and East.

further down the road they were fixing the broken traffic signals…at Cantebury (?), just before the bridge…we did not venture that far, but Lilly and i could see the darkened, lifeless lights swaying to and fro.
the sky …something about the sky… the shadows… it made the last bits of fall color POP.
an errand took us past Winton and then near East we hopped on 490 heading eastward. i stopped for the man with the sign…dingy, dust-covered man with a pocky wind-burned face holding a sign that read “homeless Vietnam Vet….” i scraped three twenties out of my wallet and asked him what his line of work was…
“anything that brings a paycheck,” was his mumbled reply.
he thanked me but did not make eye contact (i know this feeling). he said he sleeps in the parking garage near the Little. everyone needs an address. i will talk to Mike and Phil about him and see if we could offer him something…winter is coming…being homeless in winter is very hard. i felt very foolish and selfish leaving him behind as i drove away. $60 isnt so much…i didnt really need what i intended to use that money for…i suppose, when compared to his needs, i am frivolous
this weekend we set back our clocks…
do you ever let the world beat you up so much that you wish to turn back the clock and fix time…fix your life by changing events?
it may just be me…i suppose you are all pretty satisfied with who you are and how your life has run…me? i see all my faults and flaws…wanting to change them moment by moment.
i considered it a lot after work last night…dragging myself and a semi-sleeping Lilly back into the house at 2:30 AM…i lay awake thinking about all the coulda-woulda-shoulda…that maybe i’d do differently if given the chance
if i could only go back there… turn back the clocks
where would i begin?
every change i came up with had an enormous ripple.
and i finally concluded that there was little i could change…no, i would not change my decision to have Lilly. no, i would not change my determination to let him be happy with who he chose.
i could never change his freewill to always want someone who was not me.
sounds empty and hopeless, huh? (but it’s not) i suppose even if i had the power to control my fate, i would not have…for the bitter pain and loneliness brought me great rewards…afterall, i got to know him. for a brief moment in my life, i got to share his dreams and hear his voice and talk endlessly about everything and nothing with the sweetest man in the world. and i have her…Lilly who is napping peacefully in my lap…my left hand petting her silky-soft wild curls and the smoothness of her cheek…the thumb has fallen from her mouth and she is breathing in an even rhythm which is broken now and again with a sudden startle followed by a rub of her tiny fist against her nose, and a slight twitch as her sweet slumbering face brightens into a smirk.
how is it that there are times when she sometimes reminds me of you most of all?
we’re setting back the clocks this weekend… but i’m wishing, hoping, dreaming forward
smiles and kisses…
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Tags: Aslan, change, fall, Lilly, turning back the clocks
Categories : Aslan, Tink and Lilly, Life with Lilly Jolie, reset and regret, Things and Stuff
Lil Fairy Wings
24 10 2008took Lilly to one of two pediatric halloween parties (one at Strong, one next at RGH)…
there she sat on the floor…content in her fairy wings
heard stories of babies from the nicu that have delays and impairments…even sadder stories of the ones from her “class” that didnt make it.
she is an empathetic crier so i tried really hard…and each time i looked back at her…on the floor being spoiled by her very attentive nursing squad…she beamed…she has 4 teeth Aslan… (you would be very, very proud of who she is!)
she beamed….
and then the music started…and i think she was actually dancing…sitting there…but moving to the Rusted Root song “Send Me on My Way” and for a brief moment i allowed myself to close my eyes and imagine it…you holding her in your arms and dancing about the kitchen with her amid smiles and giggles that she saves only for you.
smiles and kisses
(i think it is a sign…)
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Tags: Aslan, Fairy Wings, Halloween, Lilly, Tink
Categories : Aslan, Tink and Lilly, Life with Lilly Jolie
Subliminal Pumpkin Messages
21 10 2008why can i never do anything simple?
after checkups and flu shots we stopped off at to see very soggy teepees at Powers. the plan was to get one pumpkin…not because she has a clue about the silly rituals of halloween… but so i could say (one day) that we’ve been doing it forever.
but you cant buy just one pumpkin though…we ended up with 3 primary pumpkins and a family of squash gourds…most of which now flank my front steps staring down the political campaign signs.. (i think we’re the only Obama and Bellini on the street)
our pumpkins arent menacing..i didnt have the heart to cut faces (hoping, wishing… for a promise of a family with us and the three kids cutting jack-o-lanterns? for the promise of real pumpkin pie? idk) but i’m thinking if a few political signs disappear in the night, people might know what to blame. afterall, they subliminally foiled my plan for one pumpkin
you wouldnt have the means to check anymore…but incase you do… ever…here’s a lil note for ur pocket (and you, alone, know why!) smile always…it’s everything
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Tags: Lilly, Pumpkins, Subliminal
Categories : Life with Lilly Jolie
Terrorized
27 08 2008so, yes…i supposed to write about the phone calls…about the phone calls and the games and the Lexus and HIM…the very things that had me sent to the counselor again.
(but Aslan is off-limits…he is strictly off limits, you hear me??!! NEVER in your life have you ever met a man so entirely selfless and amazing and thoughtful…you may not touch him…you may not analyze his actions or who he is, b/c he is the one and only bit of proof left to me that there is kindness in this world! he is everything wonderful and good! you may not criticize or comment on him or his actions…EVER!)
i slipped…that is all…the idiot who said “sticks and stone may break my bone, but names will never hurt me” is just that…and idiot.
b/c names hurt. calling my 6 mos old daughter a “little shit” among other things hurts. it hurts to be called a “whore”, yes. it hurts to be called a “bitch and an ugly cunt.” it hurts to be sent back a package with big black lettering scrawled across the top saying “UNWANTED you fucking cunt!” it really hurts to be called “crazy.” it also hurts to be told he was only using me for sex and that everything he said to me and gave me he had given to her first. it hurts that she can quote him…she can quote us.
but it is what it is…
what hurts more is what she says about him. what she says about him and his sons. they are not “spoiled brats…” they are not “fucking pains in the ass” and Aslan is not “lazy, worthless”…not sometimes…not ever. he does not need to be changed…he does not need to be fixed…he does not need to be controlled…not EVER. he is not in need of a mother…he has one and the one he has is wonderful by every measure. if he was such a “lazy, disgusting, horrible loser and bad fuck,” why would she keep tormenting me to keep him??? (she knows the truth of it…she does know that he is everything worthwhile…he means the world) but saying those things about him…all the time she is mean to him…it just hurts me more (and she/they know it!) b/c i know in my heart that is the life and love he chose.
and to be told that he told her everything and they laugh at me together…that he wanted to fucking punch me too… that i was laughable, but he grew tired and bored of me and just wanted me gone (its not true…he left…he wanted to be with her yes…and he cant be with her and talk to me)
but he’d never hurt me…please God…i need that to be true…
i know what she wrote…what they wrote (not Aslan…never Aslan). maybe it wasnt him “Ozzee”…i always assumed my mystery caller was Jenna (well, no, that’s not true…at first i couldnt…i wouldnt believe that he would share a life with someone so vicious…he has two precious sons…he wouldnt choose someone that would seek to harm someone else… he wouldnt…i couldnt believe it was her. but then Aslan said over and over again it was her…and the things she described…the illicit pics of him that she sent me…it could only be her…who else would have that kind of access to him and to me…she never actually said her name…Morgan said his, but that’s another story…she never actually said her name…and the calls have come in from 11 different numbers) well yeah, at first, Aslan said she had no way to find me…that she never saw his phone…but at first we didnt think it was her (Jenna) and then, as the calls became more frequent…as the messages became more distinct…he even said one of the numbers was actually hers…he believed it to be Jenna…i still didnt want to believe…but after the threats that began in January…i had no choice but to believe it was her. (she knows a great deal about me…all i know about her is her name is Jenna, Aslan said she has a gold house…i know she has a beautiful smile b/c she sent me several pictures…and i know her to be vicious and cruel and threatening…relentless in her pursuit of me and determined…so much so that i was and AM in fear of her… i have done nearly everything she has commanded for the past 6 mos out of fear of what she may be capable of!) but as i said…he claimed not to know how she had access to me… except well then in February… she saw my luck message to him. (harmless, benign and completely unromantic! just wishing him luck in court.) THEN…that day… she had access…and that simple message made him so upset…losing HER made him so upset. she forwarded me a message in May where he told her he was crying without her (or something like that…i dont go back there anymore) the thought of being without me never had that affect on him. i dont have that affect on anyone
he cant be held accountable from something he doesnt even remember…besides…he made it clear what he felt about me…about Lilly…we were embarrassments for him (though i dont think he remembers exactly why) he said he didnt want his family to meet me…wouldnt bring us to meet any of them for a year after Lilly was born. did Jenna know that? did she laugh at how ashamed of me he was? how could i ever face them when there was so much about me he wanted never to see. (no…he’s a good man…he simply didnt remember that night…he didnt remember…and cant be held responsible for something he cant remember possibly creating…maybe…that small chance that she was…he had no memory…i knew that the day after.)
or maybe…as much as i’m hoping that one moment created ___ he’s always equally hoped it didnt.
so yeah… the game…stupid online…occupy the time while the baby sleeps and you cannot online game. i’m not all that great at games…but i had accumulated loads of money. the first 18 attacks (him, then her…Ozzee, then Klondike Kate) i didnt really pay attention to the names. they sent me to the hospital and i would use the game $$ to pay my way out of the hospital and then WOW…i would have no time to do another move before they attacked again…he would attack first depleting me and sending himself to the hospital…then she would swoop in for the kill. i used the funds to repair myself 3 times only to have them instantly attack again. so then i went away for 20 mins…i came back and found i was once again in the hospital via Ozzee and Klondike Kate…and then the name hit me…
and then the phone rang…well not rang…you’ve seen my phone…it is silent and is held together by duct tape…but it flashes the screen when i have a call… and it was her. “have enough bitch? he wants you gone for good this time! says you need to be sent back to the fucking hospital for real and out of his life.” i hung up…said nothing, but hung up…shortly after…she sent 27 text messages that said the exact same thing.
and i wanted to prove that one was not related to the other…i had no idea how she would have found my game name out of all the others…well except i had told Aslan what it was…only he and a handful of other knew my alias on that game.
and i paid 4 million in recoop fees and they were always there instantly to take me down. if i had gone through 4 million, Ozzee must have blown through 8 million… and he didnt have many assets to begin with…idk how
klondike kate was relentless. i thought for sure after the 1st hr that they’d get bored…but they didnt… i thought after the 2nd hr they’d have something else to do… but they didnt
and then a new call and text came in…”you need the shit beaten out of you and Ozz wants to do it! he wishes you never existed and wants you to die. not a game, for real bitch”
i logged off… i put the phone in the drawer… i grabbed my sleeping baby and crawled into the hall closet and sat there for hours…it was night when i came out
i told myself it wasnt my Aslan. i logged on once more and cautiously went to Mob Wars. of all my millions, i was down to very lil… there were 226 reports of Ozzee and Klondike Kate attacking and killing me, but enough time had passed that i was “healed” again…but no sooner did i put my finger on the mouse pad then they attacked again…tag-teaming me
how many hours…and that had been their sole goal for the day? that is how they spent their day? hovering…stalking…watching and destroying me.
i left them a message on facebook…telling them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day… i text back the number on my phone and told her/them to meet me at Cobbs Hill the following day…i grabbed Lilly and drove to the store. got on the pay phone and called HIM (not Aslan…HIM…the guy who also took fun and pride in kicking the shit out of me and sending me to the hospital over-and-over again for years…”Gary”/Paul)
i just wanted it over with…i had no place to take Lilly…i had NO ONE to take Lilly…but thought… perhaps… after Aslan (for i was certain it was him then) took his anger out on me…sharing hits and kicks and punches with Paul… that maybe Aslan would take Lilly
he once said he wanted her
no…i wasnt thinking
i was reacting… it is what i do… but then i was hit by the car walking across the parking lot
and recognizing my hysteria was far more than concern for Lilly (she was shielded by my body) and my health… they called in you.
and so now…there is the wound for you and she and the others to feed upon. i have come to realize that people find great joy in tearing me apart.
but Aslan is completely off limits…you have never met a man as kind, gentle and thoughtful as he is… he and Lilly are my world! he is my hope for one day…he is my proof in goodness. you may not touch him!!!
(and yet i do remember…i put myself into these jeopardies…wanting so badly to be with him and finding any means necessary to get back to him. Eric and Dave should never have made him feel so low and useless. the lawyers had no business telling him that he was inappropriate and unacceptable. he should have known in my heart what the truth was…no matter how many times he leaves. i risked it all to come back! i remember it well!!! i would do it again in a heart beat if he just understood his value…even if it meant that in effort to earn his greatest happiness i had to deal with Paul again…even if it meant facing Paul again to satisfy Aslan’s girl’s need for revenge and torture…. i remember where i was 1 yr ago and 2 yrs before that. she tries to rewrite or to tell me my version is completely wrong…but Aslan Sweeney is my proof that goodness does exist…i would do anything for that. i remember this even if he sometimes forgets! even if he forgets what the pic signifies…i will remember)
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Tags: Aslan is completely off limits, Aslan Sweeney, Damaged, facebook, fun and pride in kicking the shit out of me, hit, hospital, hurt, Jenna, Klondike Kate, Lilly, Melissa, Mob Wars, Morgan, mystery caller, Ozz Sweeney, Ozzee, reset, stalking, terrorized, unwanted
Categories : Damaged, reset and regret
too scared to move
19 08 2008
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Tags: Aslan, Desserts, Lilly, Lily, Melissa, Ozz, Too Scared to move
Categories : Damaged
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