and i love him

1 03 2009

Lilly cries…we have been walking the house for hours… everytime i try to sit there is something about the lack of movement that makes her uncomfortable and so she shrieks again.  her tiny throat is red and i can see the white bumps within…it must be burning her…she has a fever and a goopy looking rash about her neck…and though her head bobs from exhaustion…though both our heads bob from exhaustion we must walk b/c she cries.

i grabbed the wrong phone and called the service. habit b/c the last time she was sick we called on the duct taped phone. habit? exhausted decisions.

exhausted b/c i spent over 13 hrs at work…most of it on my feet and feel myself stumbling…the ache in my joints…my stupid hips and left leg

and moments ago i did the unspeakable…b/c i’m so sore and tired and she cries… i did the unthinkable. i grabbed the correct phone and after calling the service again and being told i could bring Lilly to the office if i called after 8AM….i did the unthinkable and dialed his number hoping he would come save me

he has told me before it is not his job to save me…i know…

i was weak…for a moment i was even less than i normally am…and i was weak and i wanted to have his strong arms to help me…to help us. i am such an awful single parent … he would know exactly what to do… he always does if i just listen… if i just let myself trust him without adding and multiplying the number of times his actions werent…idk…. i need to stop exponentially measuring disappointment and worries… i know… like the letter…no signs…

it is what it is

but i am tired and my back, leg and hips hurts so entirely much… i nearly disturbed his sleep so that he would run and comfort me… no doubt momentarily picturing the whole rescue scenario where he would come and comfort me and magically quiet Lilly…b/c he can?

no… i wanted him for me… to pamper and fuss and hold me. i am exhausted and aching to the point that i cannot feel my left foot touching the floor beneath it…

and what i really wanted was love

 

not any token effort…i wanted his love… b/c it is a precious prize…wrapped aroung me

 

though he does not… i know

 

and here leaning against the counter in my kitchen…bouncing a crying baby on my hip

alone

oh God i do feel so alone and unworthy

 

i love him… and i was nearly selfish enough in my wants and needs to

 

but that is not who we are… that is not who i am…i am confused… he would not have come over…and i possess less than what i once had… three years ago this week

but i truly do love him

8 AM is 2 hrs and 39 mins away…until then (and for a long time after) it is just Lilly and i





he is

22 12 2008

he is eternally optimistic, my Aslan…he says he had moods, but i have never seen them. each day, for nearly a week, he has greeted me with “i love you.” i am back to being “babe” and tink and “his” Melissa…and everything else perfect and delightful that this world has to offer. (me, you hear that people, ME!)

he laughs and smiles over the simple (that i make far too complicated) and the silly (that i take far too seriously). he laughs…and that laughter is infectious…as are his smiles and soft, deep incredible voice. simple sweet honest words that make my heart soften, my breathing easier and my toes curl (and my head so light that it wants to drift away on an open dream)

he sends me pics of the sun setting over a parking lot and video of his knee and a table of beer glasses (lol) and many messages…he calls me when no one else on the earth is awake (2 -3 times)…but still i panic when i fire off a message and it takes him longer than 5 mins to respond. AND I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO!!!

i have not heard his voice in days…when i do, i act like a nervous idiot; always looking about the dark corners of the landscape for the doom or expecting his dash for an exit. the time is ripe you see…over ten days and their calls come in…they wouldnt care if i changed phones and numbers…they have found ways of reaching me when i do not respond to their threats on my cell (i was stronger at the beginning of last week… i laughed the malicious in-my-face-calls and messages off… i wish i were back there right now.)

he is optimisitc…he lays possibilities and wishes at my feet.

i began erasing the vast number of cruel messages and voicemails that accumulated on my phone over the weekend in Dr. Bennett’s office today. she watched as i opened message after message from unknown numbers. (they tell me he is not being truthful with me. that he is using me only and has no real interest in being in Lilly or my life. they tell me he lies about where he is and who he is with…the last part isnt true though, b/c i dont ask…i dont ask so he doesnt have to feel as if he needs to protect me.) i am supposed to remember that they are messages from human people…they are hurt feelings manifested… i am supposed to remember those people have no more power than i do. i am supposed to remember that i need to heal first and worry about this part later.

i struggle to hold what i have left, but i am told to remember that no one  really has power over my life unless i give them that power (ok…i’ll play let’s pretend too if it gets her to change the subject, but i’ve got an empty dessert cooler and a clear calendar that say otherwise. oh and by the way…i chose a long time ago for Aslan to have power over my life…i told him long ago he was driving b/c i notoriously screw things up…but sure, yeah, we’ll pretend otherwise.)

i will erase the remaining ones later. i have been told that he is on his way out of town, you see…so i will miss his voice again… i will miss his voice and his strength and how much he fills me every moment he is near. (but i hate interfering with his fun…he is optimistic you see…and i would not change that or anything else about him for the world!)

it is Christmas and i have no clue what to get him…he deserves so much but i am at a loss… either not enough money or not enough sophistication to get him the perfect gift…gifts are tokens of feelings, and like my words that fall so entirely short of their mark…anything i purchase would fall horribly short of his expectation or worth. i know i should find that perfect gift…the absolutely right gift for him, that when he opens it he will know once and for all that i am the one…but there is nothing that comes to mind…HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE THAT THOROUGHLY GOOD THAT ALL ELSE SEEMS INCOMPLETE AND PALE IN  COMPARE??!!!

he is wonderful in every way and i will continue loving him for every day. (but keep this secret to yourself…b/c no one else can know about me.)

 

they come to inspect me tomorrow again…yes, i’m feeling weaker by the moment. she tells me he is only human…and where that IS a fact, he is also so much more that i would like to NOT take tiny steps…i would very much NOT like to be cautious this time…i would like to NOT be afraid…

so very afraid of losing Lilly and him and all that is left at every turn.





dont go…i miss you

15 10 2008

i miss your voice

and smiles and kisses

and amazing sundays and thursdays

and endless saturdays

conversations when we could never say goodbye

every jack johnson, pat mcgee, eric clapton

and the sound of this playing on the radio  (twelve times since i got your msg)





you make me tremble…

14 10 2008

there have…in my life…been people who made me tremble. they were the types of people who would make a 350 lbs linebacker tremble…in fear

you make me tremble for an entirely different reason. i’m not sure if you’ve ever heard it in my voice, but i am shaking right now…upon thoughts of you…as i type (and retype) this. i long to hear your voice…but at what cost?

please…

dont you know what the sound of your voice does to me? dont you understand the effort…the control it takes for me to make sure i dont spoil what you already have… what you have that so obviously makes you happy?

dont you know the effort it takes to convince myself that niceness doesnt mean what i want it to mean.

you have never spent hours staring down at a keyboard knowing that no matter what you do or say…it will inevitibly lead to disaster, abandonment and losing you again

why do you have to be so incredible?

don’t you know how frightened i am to move? you test me with phone calls… completely oblivious that i have been hounded…tormented by phone calls from different numbers for a very long time. is it you this time…is it her/them?

you are ashamed of me because i am such a coward!

and yet….

why do you have to be such a wonderful, incredible, generous, thoughtful, sweet, loving, creative, nice, bold, amazing and gorgeous smartass that i want so badly but cant have.

you are my punishment…for a life mislead…for all the guys-for-a-night from the bars who i stole without care for sport from their gfs (i always planned on returning them). SHE/THEY are my constant tormentors…to remind me…what i cant have… and what i can lose.

the one guy who didnt chose me (but who i still wanted so desperately in my life somehow…stupid and suicidal, huh?)

i didnt mean to hurt her…get that? i didnt mean to hurt her! i told you long ago that i could not fight for you…you needed to want me…but i could not force anyone to want me…i’ve tried in my life to be wanted by people…it never works…it doesnt work for me anyhow. no one stays for me

and at the same time that you and i were telling each other everything that we keep secret from the rest of the world…you told me too… you told me that you have a tendency to revist old gfs when things get rough or when you’ve just broken up or fought with the current girl…you told me you rebound and revist…a junkies fix with a sure thing. (old gfs…except…Aslan, i’ve never had a boyfriend in my life)

i didnt mean to hurt her!

was i the rebound, the revist or the real thing? i just dont know…you dazzle me so much…i am soooo absolutely thrilled to have you in my life (even for a moment) that i simply dont care if i’m only supposed to be a temporary stop. i’m pretty clueless…i dont think i could ever tell the difference between someone actually liking me and someone wanting something from me.

it didnt help that she/they all told me it was the second choice…(it’s ok…that one has always been easier to believe and was the top reason why i always left whoever before 5AM… simply didnt expect whoever to remember me… simply didnt expect to matter…so i’d always leave before i’d get hurt…by them…by HIM… i’d leave

i dont know why you were different…i dont know why i let you inside… i didnt mean to fall in love with you.

but i also never meant to hurt her! she/they dont believe it…but it is absolutely true!

and every time you leave… i let you leave… silently without a fight…because i know (despite your great “i’ll never…” proclamations to the contrary)… you leave me to go back to her… your real choice

i do not chase after… i do not look in…when you leave, you make your feelings very clear by their silence…you want to be left alone

and i dont push or follow…for fear of hearing “i hate you” or “dont call, message, e-mail…” (you know the words… i dont look or follow … i give you the space and freedom of me that you desire)

and if you think this being said is somehow a criticism of you…you’d be wrong, because there is no anger or malice or loathing in me for you… just love Aslan… always just love for who you are. i wouldnt change you for the world… (i have thought on that considerably…and there is nothing i would change…i knew i wasnt the magic pill that would cause you to drink less, give up smoking or remain faithful to a person who neither excited nor interested you…)

i knew Aslan… the “i love yous” stopped…and it was fine…i was happy for whatever moment you could spare…because you ARE that wonderful…you ARE that precious… you are treasured because of who you are!!! (i knew you didnt love me… told you, i’m not the one they love…what i didnt realize was… somewhere along the line you stopped liking me…i just ignored the signs for a chance to be with you… you are everything!)

i would never want to do anything that would hurt the happiness you have found. (i just like keeping the memories of the moments tightly held to my heart…and replay them as needed…but sometimes even those you needed to remind me were too much for someone like me to expect)

so when you called out of the blue and i didnt know how to breathe… i know she/they will lash-out if they uncover it. i know i will become intoxicated by you… lost my heart and it is soooooo very difficult to keep my thoughts clear around you.

you call and i find myself thinking of your smirk… hearing your voice… your laugh… that glint in your eyes…looking forward to stories of your boys, your work, the truck, what you’re listening to, hamburger helper… i look forward to it all… every waking moment with thoughts of you…and then you invade my dreams…making me smile

you didnt pick up on it…me trying to be brave that day (i text when i know i will lose control hearing your voice…) telling you goodbye…without telling you goodbye… i dont want to cry or cause you distress… no guilt… you made your choice and you were always free to do so without having some meaningless girl chase at your heels… i’d text…quietly, mutely text so i did not hear your voice… smooth, charming, sensual….

text because i know what i ought to do

i know what i want to do…but i know what i ought to do (as i did on your birthday)

i dont know why you come back…but i dont want to hurt your girl… and i dont want your girl to hurt Lilly (me, i can live on the street without money… Lilly cant)

so i tremble…and in shame i stare helpless at a keyboard…cowering behind a device…i text things i dont mean to say

because… i cant read people or situations

and so i close my eyes…and tremble

resisting thoughts of your mouth against mine

resisting thoughts of your hands warm and sure…caressing my skin

perfect….wanting….satisfying

i am trying to do what i should for everyone’s happiness…yours, hers, Lilly’s

and so i trying to do the impossible…by resisting you

(but maybe one text message will be ok?)





learning to smirk

18 08 2008

Sunday, June 18, 2006

12:37 PM – confusing? nah… its just me
Current mood:
pensive
Category:
Life

does absence of proof make things hard to believe?

 

Currently listening :
The Paul Simon Collection: On My Way, Don’t Know Where I’m Goin’
By Paul Simon
Release date:
05 November, 2002

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

10:38 AM – “eternal sunshine for the spotless mind”
Current mood:
exhausted
Category:
Life

how happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
the world forgetting, by the world forgot
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned:


                 ~Alexander Pope, “Eloisa to Abelard”i loved the premise of the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,” and Pope’s quote from which it is based. many of us guard our memories b/c they are part of our identity. without them we may very well vanish too from the mind. if i have no memory of you perhaps you cease to exist.
in the movie (perhaps Jim Carey’s best work) the main character wants to eliminate the pain of a recent break-up by erasing all memory of his former lover (she erased him first).
wouldnt it be heavenly to have that power? to erase all the bad memories… memories of the lies, the hurt, the shame, the desertion, and loneliness… memories of you when you were perhaps less-than-wonderful? (too stupid to realize… too foolish to know.) sifting through your mind’s eye you could [perhaps] remove all those things that weigh upon you… devastingly painful and heavy burdens of guilt and sorrow… (those frightening pictures, that once unleashed, place you back in that terrible moment… with renewed feeling and horror… who really wants to relive those things?) 
sifting and sorting your memories…you could retain only those pieces of your life that are uplifting and fun?

sometimes memories are overrated…fun for some is agony for others. and their overall theraputic value…(the true value of being forced to recall the unpleasant battering?) can anything be gained by remember every facet of your life? is there a benefit to relying or reliving these pictures and voices stored within our brains?

dreams and wishes are hopes for tomorrow… memories are sometimes distorted, angry or skewed views of the past…

where would you like to keep your head? i’d like to empty mine at the moment of all the worthless debris…

blessed is he who expects nothing,

for he shall never be disappointed.

for he shall never be disappointed.
 

 

                       ~Alexander Pope

 

Currently listening :
Bring Me to Life
By Evanescence
Release date:
11 March, 2003

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Monday, April 03, 2006

5:14 PM – fleeting dreams
Current mood:
crushed
Category:
Life

ever notice that you never really want something quite so bad as the dream that has been torn away from your grasp? why do we do that to ourselves? do we find solace in a life filled with torment…do we only feel alive when we feel our insides being shredded to meaningless inconsquential debris? idk…
i’m at loss why such unachievable goals are so easily set. why dreams even occur… because they inevitably lead to disappointment (why bother really, you didnt honestly think those pleasures where meant for you did you?)
remember grandma’s cautionary words, and maybe you will shed fewer tears over those things you cannot change no matter your wishes. 
“take smaller bites”

smaller dreams, like smaller or stagnant pools, may make life a lot less difficult. sure you dont get anywhere, and miss out on a whole lot by not reaching for the impossible…but what exactly was all that silent suffering accomplishing for you as you watch each and every dream you try for dashed to the floor, empty and unfulfilled (as you pretend you never REALLY wanted it anyhow…)
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Les Miserables (1987 Original Broadway Cast)
By Alain Boublil
Release date:
25 October, 1990

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

12:56 AM – heart races
Current mood:
worried
Category:
Romance and Relationships

people are addicting.  a single moment can either draw you nearer or push you away. a single memory can linger and loop and hold you so fast that no embrace could be any tighter. friends, lovers…anyone of importance, a single word, the flash of a connection, makes your heart pound at a quick steady pace. the “i belong… i am connected!” and the great and wonderful anticipation of when you and they will meet, speak, connect again brings a thrill unequalled by any other feeling.but the heart quickens again. perhaps a pattern repeated; a memory not as sweet…one of loss and certain loneliness.  it is the anxiousness to hold (what has already vanished?), the desperation to remain…to touch what cringes and shrinks away from your view.  the avoidance of your messages, your looks, the denial of your desire…

i have felt that quickening heart too
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Fortress
By Sister Hazel
Release date:
27 June, 2000

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Friday, March 10, 2006

4:13 PM – reset and wait
Current mood:
hopeful
Category:
Life

what made me good at what i did was i could always take the time to sit and listen… i gravitated to the people who made choices in life that were not along the beaten path (no status seekers or fakes…but genuine people). some people fret over decisions and avoid life as much as they can.  they sleep their days away in a near coma, eaten and beaten by their environment (thanx Christian) or just caught in the drift of what is expected and appropriate by someone else’s standards.  they allow themselves to be caught in a rut, blame the world for that rut and lament over missed opportunities…
not to say these people dont have scary things to fear out in the world… they do… we all do…there are predators hinding deep in the jungles, offices, schools, clubs, [blog spies and their drones?]…whatever…these hungry cannibals use people and things in their life to get temporary relief from their true lack of character and courage… sometimes they gaze at others through a critical telescope …reflecting over the errors of others and how they could do so much better “if only…”
but other, noble creatures… [the ones that always in all ways impressed me] they’d charge ahead and make choices, but in their choices… in their risks… things dont always turn out pink and perfect… but you know what?  these people regroup (eh, they may feel defeated for a second or two)  but they try again… maybe a new path… maybe they keep charging at that brick wall (it’s gotta give eventually, right?)  these are the people that give me smiles. 
they, like you and i are sometimes forced to, reset, regroup and wait… but they keep trying.  sure… they may lose certain people and things along the way… (did the others get bored? did they lack the courage to stay? was the relationship all just smoke and mirrors? was it all becoming a lil to real for them and they needed the security of a dark ignorant shell, or was it fate finally showing a way through the brick wall but these people chose to retreat with their lies of  “i’ll wait forever… i love you” and erase [rewrite history perhaps?]…idk)

but for those of you who have remained… i too am regrouping, assessing the damages…but have moved to a new location (literally and figuratively) …i have reset my life once again (take 1 billion and 5?)…it’s a great pleasure to bring you all along with me…

let’s hope for the best…of a promise kept and a dream… i’ll keep taking those risks… stretching that hand out for someone or something to take me to a brighter and better tomorrow…(yes, Christian, Anthony and Mack, i think i am a survivor [but plan to be living very happily soon…] thank you…i have been made more powerful by having you all at my back!)

thanks for the songs Ozz… i’m still enjoying the clear water *winks* and dancing to the old one…

still listening and waiting…

~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Sing-A-Longs & Lullabies for the Film Curious George (Jack Johnson)
By Original Soundtrack
Release date:
07 February, 2006

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

2:36 AM – the directors cut
Current mood:
frustrated

ever been to one of those movies that just got so dreadful and soggy in the middle you wanted to fast forward it to the end (or bail altogether)? oh sure…if you’re viewing it with someone you can always find something else fun to occupy your time with while cecil and daphne get their ghastly (and who really gives a shit) moans about life out… but those of us who force ourselves to stick with it are stuck asking over and over again, “was this really necessary?” the director often defends his picture by saying it was essential to get into the psyche of the characters for plot development.  but you know what?  on the screen, as in real life, we all want the fast forward version.  the “get to the point” no matter how much anyone one of us wants to run disclaimers or give background so as not to disappoint…there frankly is no time and no interest in receiving the historical context of cecil, daphne, you or i.  oh sure, we’d like to portray ourselves as sympathetic, “but hunny, you’ve got 30 secs. to make your sales pitch…so can we move this along, get to the reason why  i’m even involved and cut to the end.”
and wow, if any of you thought that was a criticism of you… you dont know me that well… i dont blame others for my state in life (and i wont burden you with the back story…lol)
we, all of us experience cecil and daphne days where we are forced to choose to give or drop the back story (trust me people… drop it and fake as best as you can…even when the faking is incredibly difficult for whatever emotional, physical or conceptual reason).
in answer to your questions:

 
 
sure, i’ll give you a call
moving in with you sounds like a great idea
of course i’ll be at your show in april
please come be with me now, hold my hand and stay forever
sure i’ll post a picture of what i look like
yeah, you can have my sn
you have no idea how much i want to stay past 5AM, and for the weekend…
that sounds fun, let’s plan on THAT in july
yeah i’d like to come down to TX and visit you both
 

 


(there were a whole bunch of “ifs” and “buts” edited out there that would have made excuses and given a back story to protect both me and my audience from the inevitable let down…those of you i am close to, or am trying to be close to, have the context and understand, but in the end [with context or without] the excuses and back stories served no purpose…move on)people want something happy and snappy…and if you cant provide them with that, they can easily find someone else who will. 
yeah, none of us want to be the source of false information, and yeah… it’s hard to fake trust, sensuality or an orgasm when you feel like shit…but do it anyhow…the pleasure you give someone else gullible enough to buy the fake may be enough to rock you out of your funk!
(currently trying to jumpstart my fantabulous imagination…but, then again you didnt need to know this either…lol)

~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Villains
By Verve Pipe
Release date:
26 March, 1996

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Friday, March 03, 2006

12:02 AM – in a tower high
Current mood:
hopeful
Category:
Life

damn, no one should read young impressionable girls fairy tales! sorry guys, but that’s one of those tough to live up to images…(the handsome prince rescuing the damsel from that tower high and they all live happily ever after in a–YES DEREK–monogamous relationship) those tales have been embedded in our brains and there isnt any way for you poor guys to match up…evercourse there was never a fairy tale that described how the damsel has been trawling the clubs searching for that handsome prince and sleepin with moe and [ugh] moe toads in the process (haha…inside joke that few will get)
fairy tales have been plaguing me lately…hard not to with nothing but time on my hands… i really hate the tons of time to do nothing and the absolute silence…i cant even talk to myself which really sucks…i dont care how looney it looks…i would love to have a voice to be able to keep myself company with.
but last night’s fairy tale inspired dream (drama/comedy) had a few select people using battering rams and catapults to attempt to reach me in my tower high here at strong. (think disney animation meets monty python’s holy grail) but of course the assault on the building was lead by Anthony (amazing and powerfully passionate in his defense of others Anthony)…  ooo and the dream was complete with a couple evil queens …one wanting me to sign papers for s.s. and the other (my mom) scowling at me and the first queen and cooly saying if i sign the papers i would never be allowed in her kingdom again (which ya know is based on truth…if i ever went on welfare…even for a lil bit…i would never get my family back…which if you know me, you know i really really REALLY want…sorry…i think sometimes i want that more than finding the handsome prince…you dont know how much you would miss having a family until it is no longer a possibility)
but yeah… most of you looked pretty darn cool attempting to rescue me…(oh yea Ozz…you were definitely in tights!) but sadly (probably the reason why i’m having the dream) they have found that i have an infection (bah…its a cold, but Eric doesnt wanna let me go) and though i wasnt looking forward to the county facility…they cant even let me go there…(the hospital is soooo worried that the media will blame them for every new sick person in Rochester) lol

so here i lay in my mint green silk and ivory lace (Eric said i needed a new look for march…lol)… the hair is growing back and can almost be styled… and i am once again dancing with you (insert your name here) slowly in my brain…

god, i really miss being held by someone… hurry up and figure out how to get through the castle barriers already!!!

(lol)

xoxo
~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Break the Cycle
By Staind
Release date:
22 May, 2001

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

9:56 AM – twirling alone…care to dance with me?
Current mood:
disappointed
Category:
Life

i’m not looking for anything to last… i’m only looking for a few moments…currently rotating some slow songs on the player on my laptop and twirling by myself in my room… closing my eyes and pretending, like only i can… that i am with you maybe (not him…you) …safe and warm and dancing …just for a moment maybe if you care to…
(i didnt make it the distance again…i am stuck…but if you dont mind giving me a few… i’d like to dance with you maybe…)

slowly moving to the beat… just holding me there for a moment…you dont need to stay…
~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Mezzanine
By Massive Attack
Release date:
12 May, 1998

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

12:41 AM – idk cynical, hopeful or scared?
Current mood:
restless
Category:
Life

funny how a few weeks of time can turn your life upside down…Dr. Eric says i can be outta here on weds for sure. they have told me i need to be able to walk a certain distance b4 being let off on my own (they tell me i need to do it on my own…hahaha…the key to life folks…on my own or no where!) …and i keep trying… i keep telling them i have a place to go (lie). the lady from s.s. was here looking me over late yesterday again, but i assured her i didnt need any services and so she signed off on it (i hated the whole process…her sitting there in her clean suit and me in what she must have thought was typical tramp-wear…i could feel her eyes judging me and completely disapproving. she has no idea about my life, nor does she care really…just another report on her list and for what? so i can beg for food and a place to live…pfft…they can keep their lines and colorful coupons and frequent visits of judgement…there are people who really need that…but i’m okay on my own…there is always some stupid level of payback when you become dependent on others)
the toughest thing is finding a place while stuck in here like this… (that and not being able to work…ooo…and a proper bubble bath…damn i could really use one of those!)
i’m gonna miss the lake. and i miss soooo very much all the plans…they seemed so real when he told them to me…i really believed (foolish i know) maybe it was b/c no one had ever come up with plans for an apartment, vacation…(tomorrows) that included me…
haha…and you know how everyone complains about the amount of stuff they accumulate over time and what to do with their “stuff”?  i started out with so little…how is it after 5 yrs i have accumulated nothing and possess less?  lol

i’ve been talking to a few nice people on here…all really really great people, but i think i made a mistake… i had a sn, but it was only to talk with my guy with (just for he and i)… i kept flip-flopping b/c this other really sweet guy wanted it…(just friends…and my was it nice to have someone WANT to talk to me! i have been sitting in silence for weeks…but he seemed to really want to talk to me and it just took me by surprise i guess) but once i started IMing…it just felt wrong (other things too) but felt like i was somehow cheating…so i stopped and have put the sn away (go ahead laugh…cheating on what wasnt there? maybe… maybe it was all an invention in my mind which is now very silent … but it felt horribly wrong like i was betraying or cheating on the one i had such dreams for) bleh…

i am simply not normal…perhaps starved for conversation (with no one to converse with except my own dark scary thoughts) and most definitely starved for food…lol

we’ll have to wait for breakfast…and to see what path fate takes me down… i havent quite walked as far as they wanted me to (though i keep trying every hour or so…damn the legs, hips dont wanna cooperate with my  plans…)

independence…where ever that may be!

(why is no one up at this hour…the silence is beautiful and warm…and then again scary…well near silence…i can hear the faint chatter of monitors and people at the nurse’s desk…and an occasional squeaky wheel wandering down the hall…i hate being alone with my thoughts…)

wonder if it’s pancakes or waffles this morning …both are a lil chewy for someone sooo outta practice with chewing…lol…but my, isnt solid food fun…mmmm…i’m gonna daydream about slathering things with sticky sweet syrup and then licking it from fingertips and skin…mmmm…i think everyone should start their day today covered in syrup…how you get that sticky stuff off is your own adventure…(images with love, from me to you!)

xoox
~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Songs About Jane
By Maroon 5
Release date:
25 June, 2002

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Sunday, February 26, 2006

11:09 PM – direction?
Current mood:
nervous
Category:
Life

where do i go from here?  i really dont know…tests today, maybe outta here tomorrow.  to where idk…
i walked from my room to the nurse’s station (2-doors down) late last night, when the coast was clear, and ate a few bits of chicken which was so wonderful i hated leaving the majority on the plate.  it is amazing how lil it takes to fill me.  i am sooo grateful to be able to eat again, you have no idea how much i missed that.  they brought me chocolate pudding, but i sent it back…not that it didnt look delicious, but for the memories of having said i would lick my first tastes of chocolate from his fingers.
he is gone…memories associated with him still sting and flood me with tears.
sorry if you were expecting more…well i was…(it is far to easy to say i should never have gotten hooked on something so outta my reach…but i do know otherwise…somethings cannot be controlled like attraction, love and stupidity)

but i will be released on the world again soon (will that be likened to a horrible virus or a cluster of brightly colored balloons…idk…that’d be your perspective) lol

~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Road to Nowhere
By Bananafishbones
Release date:
09 September, 2002

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Friday, February 24, 2006

2:03 PM – grant me courage…
Current mood:
confused
Category:
Life

God grant me courage to do the one thing i need to do regardless of the great pain it costs me alone. God grant me the will to lose one more precious possession because in doing so I will be doing another great service.
God grant me humility so that I no longer cling to that which I do not deserve.
Please help me see that it is all for the best.  Make him safe and grant him a life of happiness.

with all my love and devotion…
~me
 
 
 

 

How You Are In Love

 

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you’re with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don’t try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren’t loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
 
 
 

 

How Are You In Love?

 

Currently listening :
Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata With Rain Sounds
By Various Composers
Release date:
26 September, 1995

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

12:29 AM – pink silk and lace
Current mood:
accomplished
Category:
Life

there is nothing that can cheer a body sooo very much as a warm bath and wearing normal (or near normal) clothing.  pink silk and lace and mmmm…does it ever feel luxurious after weeks (?) of that hideous blue frock. 

(how exactly guys could get remotely turned on by the visual of a girl giving a girl a sponge bath escapes me too…nothing remotely sensual about it…trust me i’ve had a few over the last few how ever long i’ve been here i’m not sure…)
bathed and “dressed” ON MY OWN STEAM THANK YOU (with nice fuzzy pink slippers too) i was sprung from my dungeon and taken on a middle-of-the-night excursion.  such funness. i ate a strawberry…wow, that was wonderful…to place its tip in my mouth and to feel its texture upon my tongue (oh…i could have lingered there enjoying its wholeness forever…really)…to bite…to chew as its whole flavor exploded in my throat…chewing more and swallowing…(trust me you just cannot imagine the ecstasy!)…i ate two whole strawberries! then we rolled off to the nursery to watch the tiniest, sweetest lil creatures ever made through windows.  two nurses buzzing between them like bees. after leaving there he took me to a window at the end of the corridor where i could look out …sure it had a goldfish like feel, but i could see outside…twinkling streetlights and headlights on a dark canvass…a parking lot…but beautiful nonetheless! he then helped me walk four feet from the wheelchair to a couch in the lounge (and there are no words to describe that…being able to move without being strapped in and wheeled…being upright…a lil dizzy at first…but a truly wonderful feeling!!)
i must do that more often…i am to be sprung from here at the beginning of next week and will have only myself to rely on…i am slow…but i think i could get better with more practice…but that is all tomorrow, b/c i am tired now having actually done something other than lay here.
(thank you Eric! now i am craving banana…hehe)

good night moon, good night stars…good night kind friends!

~me
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Bye Bye Blackbird
By John Coltrane
Release date:
17 February, 1992

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Monday, February 20, 2006

3:37 AM – the conga line forms here…
Current mood:
relieved
Category:
Life

w00t…i feel better…dont you?

got a few cryptic messages…and conflicting signs…but i cant worry about tomorrow (you’re there? you’re not? i’m there? i’m not?)…way too heavy for where i want to be right now…
 
 
(and i guess my days of checking a certain profile for confirmation are through…it’s okay)

 

and the drug doctor is here b/c i’ve got surgery in 20 so toodles…
you all start dancing without me…i’ll be back later!

love you…that does not change…
~me (missy/melissa)
 
 
 

 

 

Currently listening :
Gloria Estefan – Greatest Hits
By Gloria Estefan
Release date:
03 November, 1992

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