17 05 2009

i watched as the words appeared on the screen…lines of words marching up. i breathed in deeply to silence my shaking heart and watched mutely as the phantom words appeared again.

(oh God, i miss you!!)

i know…it was a message sent on air, like mine…though i’m not certain how you could access me. you had deleted me or blocked me and i was invisible to the world. my head pounding with screams and tears flowing freely down my face…while i sat there powerless to be. knowing that if i had uncloaked you would have instantly disappeared. so i just watched your words…smiling because it was you, but aching so badly because it wasnt me.

it may have been the time the message was sent… or the simple lines “k not being sarcastic there. i know you will find this and think that, but that was an sincear [sic] smile.” (maybe you will not remember it was sent at all…trivial things)

it had never actually crossed my mind that you were being insincere until you spoke those words…and even then i could not believe you were being [had ever been?] insincere because you were making reference to Lilly (it was part of who you are…putting the children first)…but why then would you suggest that i would assume you were being sarcastic? true, you have a very deep vein of sarcasm, but…saying that …

does that mean everything me was…

no…you would not have remained had i reappeared, would you? you would have hastily shutdown as before or made your polite excuses and run. so i sat quietly and stared at my fingers. willed them not to move. looked down in shame…because my silence may have not let on that your kind words were greatly appreciated.

you said something…smiles!!!

but still…do you know how much a passing thought of you makes me swoon instantly…swoon, long and ache

why is everything us so difficult. why must it always be forbidden…you insisting i wait to introduce Lilly to your parents (because of things and stuff and how bad the reality of us looks) and others…drs, hospital rules for my “protection”, and your ex/current gfs web of messages…always…ALWAYS making me feel like i’m what corrupts your otherwise normal life.

no…you could not want me…so i needed to remain silent. i have always felt too insignificant to ask…and so i will silently ache.