24 11 2008

i’ve been lying here a bit…again

that numb tingled state after a much-needed and very overdue 2 hours of contiguous sleep.

the Buffalo Bills won (shhh… of course we know they should have won against KC…but dont say that too loud or the fates will hear and spoil their chances with SF)

sleeping-2i smile b/c Lilly and i desperately needed that sleep…it has been a while…in fact, i was wholly unaware that i was asleep…until, of course, i awoke to Lilly crawling over the top of me and conversing with the dead phone…

she seemed happy…squeals and giggles and “me-dahs”…and the ocassional “muah” b/c kissing sounds are her trademark lately (well, when she’s not been sick).

i will let her play with it a bit longer…it’s dead or the battery has slipped from its duct-taped case. idk… it’s good to see her giggle again… it has been a few days. (and she loves what that phone has come to represent in her tiny lifetime.)

sleeplessness may have directly altered my perception… we are hunkered down in the kitchen behind the pennisula…though the house is a fortress of locks and barricades. my counselor talked me down… there is very lil i can do about certain situations (and there is nothing i will do in other situations…it would end up hurting the one i want to hurt the least!)

i guess it all really doesnt matter…Lilly’s giggling and i have awoken from a couple pleasant memories and one incredible dream…i will lie here and blush a few moments more in the hazy remnants…unfinished, but yeah…

and when i can regain my focus…i will need to make several orderly lists to carry me through what needs to be done in the real world…for the rest of the week.


three for three


2 AM update: mmm… there are times (many, many frequent times) that i wish you never had a gf…i know you do… i’ve come to realize you did from the start and when i found out about her it took all my strength (and then some) to be good …to stay away… (b/c i never wanted you for a night…you, my dearest love, were meant to be savored…rinsed and repeated…every inch kissed and explored and touched…BIG SMILES). and times…like now… i can still so clearly hear your voice in my head… deep, low and seductively sweet. and at this moment…i want to taste and …ooo the things i want to do to you…. i sooo wanna play (!!!!!)

learning to smirk

18 08 2008

Sunday, June 18, 2006

12:37 PM – confusing? nah… its just me
Current mood:

does absence of proof make things hard to believe?


Currently listening :
The Paul Simon Collection: On My Way, Don’t Know Where I’m Goin’
By Paul Simon
Release date:
05 November, 2002

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

10:38 AM – “eternal sunshine for the spotless mind”
Current mood:

how happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
the world forgetting, by the world forgot
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned:

                 ~Alexander Pope, “Eloisa to Abelard”i loved the premise of the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,” and Pope’s quote from which it is based. many of us guard our memories b/c they are part of our identity. without them we may very well vanish too from the mind. if i have no memory of you perhaps you cease to exist.
in the movie (perhaps Jim Carey’s best work) the main character wants to eliminate the pain of a recent break-up by erasing all memory of his former lover (she erased him first).
wouldnt it be heavenly to have that power? to erase all the bad memories… memories of the lies, the hurt, the shame, the desertion, and loneliness… memories of you when you were perhaps less-than-wonderful? (too stupid to realize… too foolish to know.) sifting through your mind’s eye you could [perhaps] remove all those things that weigh upon you… devastingly painful and heavy burdens of guilt and sorrow… (those frightening pictures, that once unleashed, place you back in that terrible moment… with renewed feeling and horror… who really wants to relive those things?) 
sifting and sorting your memories…you could retain only those pieces of your life that are uplifting and fun?

sometimes memories are overrated…fun for some is agony for others. and their overall theraputic value…(the true value of being forced to recall the unpleasant battering?) can anything be gained by remember every facet of your life? is there a benefit to relying or reliving these pictures and voices stored within our brains?

dreams and wishes are hopes for tomorrow… memories are sometimes distorted, angry or skewed views of the past…

where would you like to keep your head? i’d like to empty mine at the moment of all the worthless debris…

blessed is he who expects nothing,

for he shall never be disappointed.

for he shall never be disappointed.


                       ~Alexander Pope


Currently listening :
Bring Me to Life
By Evanescence
Release date:
11 March, 2003

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Monday, April 03, 2006

5:14 PM – fleeting dreams
Current mood:

ever notice that you never really want something quite so bad as the dream that has been torn away from your grasp? why do we do that to ourselves? do we find solace in a life filled with torment…do we only feel alive when we feel our insides being shredded to meaningless inconsquential debris? idk…
i’m at loss why such unachievable goals are so easily set. why dreams even occur… because they inevitably lead to disappointment (why bother really, you didnt honestly think those pleasures where meant for you did you?)
remember grandma’s cautionary words, and maybe you will shed fewer tears over those things you cannot change no matter your wishes. 
“take smaller bites”

smaller dreams, like smaller or stagnant pools, may make life a lot less difficult. sure you dont get anywhere, and miss out on a whole lot by not reaching for the impossible…but what exactly was all that silent suffering accomplishing for you as you watch each and every dream you try for dashed to the floor, empty and unfulfilled (as you pretend you never REALLY wanted it anyhow…)



Currently listening :
Les Miserables (1987 Original Broadway Cast)
By Alain Boublil
Release date:
25 October, 1990

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

12:56 AM – heart races
Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

people are addicting.  a single moment can either draw you nearer or push you away. a single memory can linger and loop and hold you so fast that no embrace could be any tighter. friends, lovers…anyone of importance, a single word, the flash of a connection, makes your heart pound at a quick steady pace. the “i belong… i am connected!” and the great and wonderful anticipation of when you and they will meet, speak, connect again brings a thrill unequalled by any other feeling.but the heart quickens again. perhaps a pattern repeated; a memory not as sweet…one of loss and certain loneliness.  it is the anxiousness to hold (what has already vanished?), the desperation to remain…to touch what cringes and shrinks away from your view.  the avoidance of your messages, your looks, the denial of your desire…

i have felt that quickening heart too



Currently listening :
By Sister Hazel
Release date:
27 June, 2000

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Friday, March 10, 2006

4:13 PM – reset and wait
Current mood:

what made me good at what i did was i could always take the time to sit and listen… i gravitated to the people who made choices in life that were not along the beaten path (no status seekers or fakes…but genuine people). some people fret over decisions and avoid life as much as they can.  they sleep their days away in a near coma, eaten and beaten by their environment (thanx Christian) or just caught in the drift of what is expected and appropriate by someone else’s standards.  they allow themselves to be caught in a rut, blame the world for that rut and lament over missed opportunities…
not to say these people dont have scary things to fear out in the world… they do… we all do…there are predators hinding deep in the jungles, offices, schools, clubs, [blog spies and their drones?]…whatever…these hungry cannibals use people and things in their life to get temporary relief from their true lack of character and courage… sometimes they gaze at others through a critical telescope …reflecting over the errors of others and how they could do so much better “if only…”
but other, noble creatures… [the ones that always in all ways impressed me] they’d charge ahead and make choices, but in their choices… in their risks… things dont always turn out pink and perfect… but you know what?  these people regroup (eh, they may feel defeated for a second or two)  but they try again… maybe a new path… maybe they keep charging at that brick wall (it’s gotta give eventually, right?)  these are the people that give me smiles. 
they, like you and i are sometimes forced to, reset, regroup and wait… but they keep trying.  sure… they may lose certain people and things along the way… (did the others get bored? did they lack the courage to stay? was the relationship all just smoke and mirrors? was it all becoming a lil to real for them and they needed the security of a dark ignorant shell, or was it fate finally showing a way through the brick wall but these people chose to retreat with their lies of  “i’ll wait forever… i love you” and erase [rewrite history perhaps?]…idk)

but for those of you who have remained… i too am regrouping, assessing the damages…but have moved to a new location (literally and figuratively) …i have reset my life once again (take 1 billion and 5?)…it’s a great pleasure to bring you all along with me…

let’s hope for the best…of a promise kept and a dream… i’ll keep taking those risks… stretching that hand out for someone or something to take me to a brighter and better tomorrow…(yes, Christian, Anthony and Mack, i think i am a survivor [but plan to be living very happily soon…] thank you…i have been made more powerful by having you all at my back!)

thanks for the songs Ozz… i’m still enjoying the clear water *winks* and dancing to the old one…

still listening and waiting…




Currently listening :
Sing-A-Longs & Lullabies for the Film Curious George (Jack Johnson)
By Original Soundtrack
Release date:
07 February, 2006

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

2:36 AM – the directors cut
Current mood:

ever been to one of those movies that just got so dreadful and soggy in the middle you wanted to fast forward it to the end (or bail altogether)? oh sure…if you’re viewing it with someone you can always find something else fun to occupy your time with while cecil and daphne get their ghastly (and who really gives a shit) moans about life out… but those of us who force ourselves to stick with it are stuck asking over and over again, “was this really necessary?” the director often defends his picture by saying it was essential to get into the psyche of the characters for plot development.  but you know what?  on the screen, as in real life, we all want the fast forward version.  the “get to the point” no matter how much anyone one of us wants to run disclaimers or give background so as not to disappoint…there frankly is no time and no interest in receiving the historical context of cecil, daphne, you or i.  oh sure, we’d like to portray ourselves as sympathetic, “but hunny, you’ve got 30 secs. to make your sales pitch…so can we move this along, get to the reason why  i’m even involved and cut to the end.”
and wow, if any of you thought that was a criticism of you… you dont know me that well… i dont blame others for my state in life (and i wont burden you with the back story…lol)
we, all of us experience cecil and daphne days where we are forced to choose to give or drop the back story (trust me people… drop it and fake as best as you can…even when the faking is incredibly difficult for whatever emotional, physical or conceptual reason).
in answer to your questions:

sure, i’ll give you a call
moving in with you sounds like a great idea
of course i’ll be at your show in april
please come be with me now, hold my hand and stay forever
sure i’ll post a picture of what i look like
yeah, you can have my sn
you have no idea how much i want to stay past 5AM, and for the weekend…
that sounds fun, let’s plan on THAT in july
yeah i’d like to come down to TX and visit you both


(there were a whole bunch of “ifs” and “buts” edited out there that would have made excuses and given a back story to protect both me and my audience from the inevitable let down…those of you i am close to, or am trying to be close to, have the context and understand, but in the end [with context or without] the excuses and back stories served no purpose…move on)people want something happy and snappy…and if you cant provide them with that, they can easily find someone else who will. 
yeah, none of us want to be the source of false information, and yeah… it’s hard to fake trust, sensuality or an orgasm when you feel like shit…but do it anyhow…the pleasure you give someone else gullible enough to buy the fake may be enough to rock you out of your funk!
(currently trying to jumpstart my fantabulous imagination…but, then again you didnt need to know this either…lol)




Currently listening :
By Verve Pipe
Release date:
26 March, 1996

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Friday, March 03, 2006

12:02 AM – in a tower high
Current mood:

damn, no one should read young impressionable girls fairy tales! sorry guys, but that’s one of those tough to live up to images…(the handsome prince rescuing the damsel from that tower high and they all live happily ever after in a–YES DEREK–monogamous relationship) those tales have been embedded in our brains and there isnt any way for you poor guys to match up…evercourse there was never a fairy tale that described how the damsel has been trawling the clubs searching for that handsome prince and sleepin with moe and [ugh] moe toads in the process (haha…inside joke that few will get)
fairy tales have been plaguing me lately…hard not to with nothing but time on my hands… i really hate the tons of time to do nothing and the absolute silence…i cant even talk to myself which really sucks…i dont care how looney it looks…i would love to have a voice to be able to keep myself company with.
but last night’s fairy tale inspired dream (drama/comedy) had a few select people using battering rams and catapults to attempt to reach me in my tower high here at strong. (think disney animation meets monty python’s holy grail) but of course the assault on the building was lead by Anthony (amazing and powerfully passionate in his defense of others Anthony)…  ooo and the dream was complete with a couple evil queens …one wanting me to sign papers for s.s. and the other (my mom) scowling at me and the first queen and cooly saying if i sign the papers i would never be allowed in her kingdom again (which ya know is based on truth…if i ever went on welfare…even for a lil bit…i would never get my family back…which if you know me, you know i really really REALLY want…sorry…i think sometimes i want that more than finding the handsome prince…you dont know how much you would miss having a family until it is no longer a possibility)
but yeah… most of you looked pretty darn cool attempting to rescue me…(oh yea Ozz…you were definitely in tights!) but sadly (probably the reason why i’m having the dream) they have found that i have an infection (bah…its a cold, but Eric doesnt wanna let me go) and though i wasnt looking forward to the county facility…they cant even let me go there…(the hospital is soooo worried that the media will blame them for every new sick person in Rochester) lol

so here i lay in my mint green silk and ivory lace (Eric said i needed a new look for march…lol)… the hair is growing back and can almost be styled… and i am once again dancing with you (insert your name here) slowly in my brain…

god, i really miss being held by someone… hurry up and figure out how to get through the castle barriers already!!!





Currently listening :
Break the Cycle
By Staind
Release date:
22 May, 2001

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

9:56 AM – twirling alone…care to dance with me?
Current mood:

i’m not looking for anything to last… i’m only looking for a few moments…currently rotating some slow songs on the player on my laptop and twirling by myself in my room… closing my eyes and pretending, like only i can… that i am with you maybe (not him…you) …safe and warm and dancing …just for a moment maybe if you care to…
(i didnt make it the distance again…i am stuck…but if you dont mind giving me a few… i’d like to dance with you maybe…)

slowly moving to the beat… just holding me there for a moment…you dont need to stay…



Currently listening :
By Massive Attack
Release date:
12 May, 1998

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

12:41 AM – idk cynical, hopeful or scared?
Current mood:

funny how a few weeks of time can turn your life upside down…Dr. Eric says i can be outta here on weds for sure. they have told me i need to be able to walk a certain distance b4 being let off on my own (they tell me i need to do it on my own…hahaha…the key to life folks…on my own or no where!) …and i keep trying… i keep telling them i have a place to go (lie). the lady from s.s. was here looking me over late yesterday again, but i assured her i didnt need any services and so she signed off on it (i hated the whole process…her sitting there in her clean suit and me in what she must have thought was typical tramp-wear…i could feel her eyes judging me and completely disapproving. she has no idea about my life, nor does she care really…just another report on her list and for what? so i can beg for food and a place to live…pfft…they can keep their lines and colorful coupons and frequent visits of judgement…there are people who really need that…but i’m okay on my own…there is always some stupid level of payback when you become dependent on others)
the toughest thing is finding a place while stuck in here like this… (that and not being able to work…ooo…and a proper bubble bath…damn i could really use one of those!)
i’m gonna miss the lake. and i miss soooo very much all the plans…they seemed so real when he told them to me…i really believed (foolish i know) maybe it was b/c no one had ever come up with plans for an apartment, vacation…(tomorrows) that included me…
haha…and you know how everyone complains about the amount of stuff they accumulate over time and what to do with their “stuff”?  i started out with so little…how is it after 5 yrs i have accumulated nothing and possess less?  lol

i’ve been talking to a few nice people on here…all really really great people, but i think i made a mistake… i had a sn, but it was only to talk with my guy with (just for he and i)… i kept flip-flopping b/c this other really sweet guy wanted it…(just friends…and my was it nice to have someone WANT to talk to me! i have been sitting in silence for weeks…but he seemed to really want to talk to me and it just took me by surprise i guess) but once i started IMing…it just felt wrong (other things too) but felt like i was somehow cheating…so i stopped and have put the sn away (go ahead laugh…cheating on what wasnt there? maybe… maybe it was all an invention in my mind which is now very silent … but it felt horribly wrong like i was betraying or cheating on the one i had such dreams for) bleh…

i am simply not normal…perhaps starved for conversation (with no one to converse with except my own dark scary thoughts) and most definitely starved for food…lol

we’ll have to wait for breakfast…and to see what path fate takes me down… i havent quite walked as far as they wanted me to (though i keep trying every hour or so…damn the legs, hips dont wanna cooperate with my  plans…)

independence…where ever that may be!

(why is no one up at this hour…the silence is beautiful and warm…and then again scary…well near silence…i can hear the faint chatter of monitors and people at the nurse’s desk…and an occasional squeaky wheel wandering down the hall…i hate being alone with my thoughts…)

wonder if it’s pancakes or waffles this morning …both are a lil chewy for someone sooo outta practice with chewing…lol…but my, isnt solid food fun…mmmm…i’m gonna daydream about slathering things with sticky sweet syrup and then licking it from fingertips and skin…mmmm…i think everyone should start their day today covered in syrup…how you get that sticky stuff off is your own adventure…(images with love, from me to you!)




Currently listening :
Songs About Jane
By Maroon 5
Release date:
25 June, 2002

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Sunday, February 26, 2006

11:09 PM – direction?
Current mood:

where do i go from here?  i really dont know…tests today, maybe outta here tomorrow.  to where idk…
i walked from my room to the nurse’s station (2-doors down) late last night, when the coast was clear, and ate a few bits of chicken which was so wonderful i hated leaving the majority on the plate.  it is amazing how lil it takes to fill me.  i am sooo grateful to be able to eat again, you have no idea how much i missed that.  they brought me chocolate pudding, but i sent it back…not that it didnt look delicious, but for the memories of having said i would lick my first tastes of chocolate from his fingers.
he is gone…memories associated with him still sting and flood me with tears.
sorry if you were expecting more…well i was…(it is far to easy to say i should never have gotten hooked on something so outta my reach…but i do know otherwise…somethings cannot be controlled like attraction, love and stupidity)

but i will be released on the world again soon (will that be likened to a horrible virus or a cluster of brightly colored balloons…idk…that’d be your perspective) lol




Currently listening :
Road to Nowhere
By Bananafishbones
Release date:
09 September, 2002

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Friday, February 24, 2006

2:03 PM – grant me courage…
Current mood:

God grant me courage to do the one thing i need to do regardless of the great pain it costs me alone. God grant me the will to lose one more precious possession because in doing so I will be doing another great service.
God grant me humility so that I no longer cling to that which I do not deserve.
Please help me see that it is all for the best.  Make him safe and grant him a life of happiness.

with all my love and devotion…


How You Are In Love


You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you’re with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don’t try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren’t loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.


How Are You In Love?


Currently listening :
Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata With Rain Sounds
By Various Composers
Release date:
26 September, 1995

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

12:29 AM – pink silk and lace
Current mood:

there is nothing that can cheer a body sooo very much as a warm bath and wearing normal (or near normal) clothing.  pink silk and lace and mmmm…does it ever feel luxurious after weeks (?) of that hideous blue frock. 

(how exactly guys could get remotely turned on by the visual of a girl giving a girl a sponge bath escapes me too…nothing remotely sensual about it…trust me i’ve had a few over the last few how ever long i’ve been here i’m not sure…)
bathed and “dressed” ON MY OWN STEAM THANK YOU (with nice fuzzy pink slippers too) i was sprung from my dungeon and taken on a middle-of-the-night excursion.  such funness. i ate a strawberry…wow, that was wonderful…to place its tip in my mouth and to feel its texture upon my tongue (oh…i could have lingered there enjoying its wholeness forever…really)…to bite…to chew as its whole flavor exploded in my throat…chewing more and swallowing…(trust me you just cannot imagine the ecstasy!)…i ate two whole strawberries! then we rolled off to the nursery to watch the tiniest, sweetest lil creatures ever made through windows.  two nurses buzzing between them like bees. after leaving there he took me to a window at the end of the corridor where i could look out …sure it had a goldfish like feel, but i could see outside…twinkling streetlights and headlights on a dark canvass…a parking lot…but beautiful nonetheless! he then helped me walk four feet from the wheelchair to a couch in the lounge (and there are no words to describe that…being able to move without being strapped in and wheeled…being upright…a lil dizzy at first…but a truly wonderful feeling!!)
i must do that more often…i am to be sprung from here at the beginning of next week and will have only myself to rely on…i am slow…but i think i could get better with more practice…but that is all tomorrow, b/c i am tired now having actually done something other than lay here.
(thank you Eric! now i am craving banana…hehe)

good night moon, good night stars…good night kind friends!




Currently listening :
Bye Bye Blackbird
By John Coltrane
Release date:
17 February, 1992

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Monday, February 20, 2006

3:37 AM – the conga line forms here…
Current mood:

w00t…i feel better…dont you?

got a few cryptic messages…and conflicting signs…but i cant worry about tomorrow (you’re there? you’re not? i’m there? i’m not?)…way too heavy for where i want to be right now…
(and i guess my days of checking a certain profile for confirmation are through…it’s okay)


and the drug doctor is here b/c i’ve got surgery in 20 so toodles…
you all start dancing without me…i’ll be back later!

love you…that does not change…
~me (missy/melissa)



Currently listening :
Gloria Estefan – Greatest Hits
By Gloria Estefan
Release date:
03 November, 1992

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