Protected: i’m pretty sure they were sprinkles

7 05 2009

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Protected: everything doesnt have to be this hard…

13 01 2009

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not his fault…not his fault

7 12 2008

the threats, actions, phone calls and messages have nothing to do with him. he did not cause them. he did not make them. he cannot stop them.

they are about him only…because of him only… in that he is the reasons why they are made, but he has no control over them. he is not responsible for them. he never did…he never will. he is removed from them and does not need to even hear about them…ever!

her actions are her own. it is between me and her (and her friends).

he has no say in them. there is nothing he can do about them… ever…they are not his fault…not his fault.


i am alone with it. (he can not/will not fight my battles for me any more than i can fight to keep him to myself….it simply must be only what it is.)


i have no right ascribing any feelings to his kindness. everything i have perceived is merely imagined. my fantasy. nothing real…nothing is intended (except for her and her endless calls and messages and threats) not his fault…not his fault.

 (and what Paul did was never Dave’s fault…not his fault, i never could blame either of them for the actions of others. just is what it is…as with mom, dad, Alex and Alyssa…it was my fault alone…only me and nothing more…)

i am alone…hopelessly broken and alone!!!


remember that…meaningless things and stuff that hurt only me and Lilly.

through Lilly’s eyes

2 12 2008

she has been crawling around since very early Monday looking in doorways and behind things chanting her “me-dah-dah”… in fact she seems to be obsessed with the way the “dah” sounds…has been since Sunday night.

i’ve grown accustomed to her chantings as she tries sounds… mama…baba (which later became baddle or bottle)… each sound seems to be attached to a specific object and it is quite curious watching her develop those connections between object and label.

i had thought, for quite some time now, that “me-dah” meant phone…and though she did bring the phone to me first thing Monday morning with a “me-dah” and big silly-tooth smile and hopeful eyes (i have no one to call, and most especially not at 4:30 in the morning! hehe) when that action produced nothing for her (dumb mommy!) she crawled back to the quilts and dragged her photobook over to me…and once again said “me-dah-dah.”

ok…yeah…i get it…she’s suppose to be learning our language…but i cant help but want to figure out hers…“me-dah” isnt phone? man, that just screws everything up! she grabbed the phone from my lap and placed it inside the photo album

she wants a purse?

and when that produced no results, she began crawling around chanting her “dah-dah-dah” sound. when the moving sound stopped i searched and found her standing beside the front window…just looking out.

i wonder if, through Lilly’s eyes, she feels like a caged animal sometimes…always looking out on the world b/c of the strange fears/things and stuff of her mother.

but she turned…smiled that silly-toothed smile…still standing there…barely able to see out over the ledge (she looks entirely too small to be standing)…she was silent for a moment then turned her left hand over and pulled her fingers in (the universal Lilly “come here” motion) and began her “dah” chant again.

later, when i took her upstairs to dress for the day, i swear i saw her looking under the bed for “dah”

baby charades…great!

sometimes she tries out sounds for a day…then seemingly content with her ability pronounce the new sound, she returns to her old behaviors…

or apparently not…

moments ago while i sat here rereading a proof, she began again…this time grabbing both the cell from my bag and her photobook…both were dropped in my lap and the “me-dah-dahs” began. if you could only see the pleading look on her face (i havent a clue what she needs…i would give it to her…i tried putting the phone in the book again…but that wasnt it)

she took it out…turned and pointed at empty pages in her book…and just when it appeared her eyes were welling up for a good cry of frustration (for having such a stupid mom…”MY GOD, GET IT WOMAN! ME-DAH!!!”) she rolled over to her belly and one-handed crawled back to the quilts with her prizes.

there she sits now…having a phantom conversation on the phone.

she’s not crying…it will do



24 11 2008

i’ve been lying here a bit…again

that numb tingled state after a much-needed and very overdue 2 hours of contiguous sleep.

the Buffalo Bills won (shhh… of course we know they should have won against KC…but dont say that too loud or the fates will hear and spoil their chances with SF)

sleeping-2i smile b/c Lilly and i desperately needed that sleep…it has been a while…in fact, i was wholly unaware that i was asleep…until, of course, i awoke to Lilly crawling over the top of me and conversing with the dead phone…

she seemed happy…squeals and giggles and “me-dahs”…and the ocassional “muah” b/c kissing sounds are her trademark lately (well, when she’s not been sick).

i will let her play with it a bit longer…it’s dead or the battery has slipped from its duct-taped case. idk… it’s good to see her giggle again… it has been a few days. (and she loves what that phone has come to represent in her tiny lifetime.)

sleeplessness may have directly altered my perception… we are hunkered down in the kitchen behind the pennisula…though the house is a fortress of locks and barricades. my counselor talked me down… there is very lil i can do about certain situations (and there is nothing i will do in other situations…it would end up hurting the one i want to hurt the least!)

i guess it all really doesnt matter…Lilly’s giggling and i have awoken from a couple pleasant memories and one incredible dream…i will lie here and blush a few moments more in the hazy remnants…unfinished, but yeah…

and when i can regain my focus…i will need to make several orderly lists to carry me through what needs to be done in the real world…for the rest of the week.


three for three


2 AM update: mmm… there are times (many, many frequent times) that i wish you never had a gf…i know you do… i’ve come to realize you did from the start and when i found out about her it took all my strength (and then some) to be good …to stay away… (b/c i never wanted you for a night…you, my dearest love, were meant to be savored…rinsed and repeated…every inch kissed and explored and touched…BIG SMILES). and times…like now… i can still so clearly hear your voice in my head… deep, low and seductively sweet. and at this moment…i want to taste and …ooo the things i want to do to you…. i sooo wanna play (!!!!!)

i missed a call?

5 11 2008

normally the phone sits in a pocket in my bag…undisturbed b/c no one calls me (i have given my number to so few people). i had to move it b/c Lilly is addicted…she associates the cell phone with someone who brings her smiles.
i think my life was far easier without the phone. maybe you’d agree if you realized that the mean and hurtful calls out-number the sweet ones 25:1.

he stopped calling…(again)…and she kept looking (and trust me, there is nothing that weighs heavier on the heart than a wanted call or an expected visit that never comes…sadly that is the one true thing she inherited from me)…but she kept looking…she wants me to play her the messages from him…but i cant, b/c over the top of his messages are a series of cruel and threatening messages.

i put the phone in the drawer.

but in a moment of weakness this morning…upon waking from a dream that left me longing… i opened the drawer and saw the call i missed. (we missed, b/c they are really for her i think…smiles). there were many calls missed…but only one that mattered…and there are many new voicemails…but it is doubtful one is from him.

i am not at that point in my day where i can hear what new things that girl and her friends  are going to take from Lilly and i…so i will not listen to them.

(i am outnumbered you see…it is only me and my 9 month old baby against all of them. i think for some people cruelty is an addiction…they must keep at it long after the battle was won b/c it was not the winning that gives them greatest pleasure, it is the suffering of their opponent…even when that opponent never, ever, fought back.)

perhaps i will be braver later…or perhaps i will listen to them during dialysis tomorrow when i am already miserable and in pain.

i missed a phone call. i cant call back, message or text for fear of ruining his happiness. i worry that maybe what he had to say to me wasnt at all what i needed to hear… but i know better than to contact him and get him in trouble.

people that shouldnt have access alway inevitibly have access…things and stuff.

i missed a call…he was thinking of me as i was thinking of him…i’ll take it for what it is…


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