suffering from emotional ADHD…hehe

19 08 2008

June 3, 2007 – Sunday


what the voice message should have said
Current mood:

silly, sweet, wonderful handsome guy


i k who i am and i k my limitations. when u call but dont leave a message, i shouldnt call back because it isn’t safe. when u call and leave a message telling me u’ll call back later, i shouldnt call…maybe u’ll call back later when ur not busy. see…i’m well practiced at this. i used to have to be showered off of whoever and back by 6 am; i used to have to call…find a phone somewhere and call…at 11:30 exactly and if there was no answer after the 2nd ring I was to hang up. never leave a message, only use the code names. when i was at the farmhouse, the code was “delivery” and i was supposed to wait down the hill in front of the pines so no one could see when i got into his car. i will never get used to the spying or monitoring  and the not knowing who is being allowed access to do with what they want. maybe that is why i dont like watches…maybe that is why i hate the idea of looking in on someone or something i was not specifically given the permission to…i really, really dislike the shame of being someone’s dirty lil secret…i had a twinge of it back in feb. when i asked u to put me back on ur main myspace account, but u refused…i k the line that was used, but i always feared the reality was i was never going to be good enough for light-of-day again…dont worry, i do know its all part of the package. maybe that’s what u saw…it’s who i am. it’s who i always have been…looking at it from afar, like they have…i guess it does seem strange that i thought i was finally getting more…and i am sorry about the text messages. i do know better.

i didnt mean to hurt anyone. dont like being hated. really dont know how to deal with people being mad at me…maybe idk the real reason u came back and maybe idk how many things u have told me r the truth. they tell me i was played by a master…told the only reason u haven’t left is because u hate confrontation and mess…(it doesnt fit, aslan…why then do u keep calling? why then do i receive 2-3 calls a day sometimes…yeah other times something in ur voice leaves me to believe i am a bother or a chore, but then just hours later u do something beyond thoughtful and in those moments i can only conclude that i do matter to u) am i stretching the truth? am i grasping for someone to care about me, just once?  i’m trying real hard not to feel like that stupid meaningless girl in a hospital they say i am…i k what’s in my heart no matter what they say is proof. ..and i’m really trying hard not to take myself too seriously. i’m sorry i make u unhappy ao frequently. i sorry i havent been as successful at the platonic stuff as maybe u really did want all along..i wanted to be the one who made u happy..simple and stupid words, ik, but they have always been true.
and just so u know, I havent been avoiding u. i don’t do that. i wouldnt do that…ever…if u even for a moment considered how valuable u r in my life…u would never accuse me of avoiding ur calls. my time with u…hearing ur voice is precious to me..i am overcome with all these outside messages that weigh on me and make me feel as if i am dragging u down and ruining ur life…i try to get answers from u, but for some reason u avoid the questions…but i  have never lied to u. i have never lied.


yesterday afternoon i was with evan…just walking the grounds, but since he came in on his day off, i thought i should…this morning i was at church. (i k…will you ever get over that irony? like who the hell do i think i am…mary magdeline?) hehe just sat through both the catholic and protestant service starting at 7, praying for some guidance. did my answer come in the very exasperated message i got from u?  geez, here u r trying to be the decent guy and befriend the girl in the hospital and all she does…all she EVER has done is drag u down. i’m sry. i guess God needed to remind me how much i have tortured u over the last year and a half.
tomorrow evan arranged for me to get a few hours of filing. work!  it’s not forever. nothing ever is. but it will occupy my time while I figure out where I can go next.


u need to do ur trademark aslan move…akuna matata  (or however it’s spelled) baby. u’ve got a week left at 27, enjoy!! oh and God, smile. it’s all anyone wants baby…ur happiness. u r everything. everything and so much more…really…never a lie, never a line.

the best time ever…buying u and obnoxiously lame gift. Focusing a whole day on u. u have no idea how great that was. u won’t get it…u might receive it but i decided u wont understand it…realized it yesterday after reading my messages…u’ll open it and it will be one of those wtf moments. looking back i realize i should have sucked it up, stayed in that mall, gone to the bank and bought you that $950 watch i saw in the window. i’m the one who hates time, but u love the flashiness of something shiney on ur wrist…see…i could have got u something real…something good… i just wanted to have fun and play with u a bit longer…i didnt want to make trouble that i was pretty certain the $950 watch from a girl whose letters and whatnot u cant keep would have caused.
i’m sorry
best time ever…moments i have spent with u on my mind and in my heart. best times ever…but here i sit confused…i have a headache…painful, but numbing at the same time…and when i finish typing this (and i dread finishing typing this b/c while i type this u and i r having a conversation face to face in my head)…but when i finish typing this…my head will be working overtime once again…u told me people in love dont move in together right away…”not for a long time.” is what u said the other day.  then why is it i believed without a single doubt that u were coming here to take me home and u really really wanted me to stay with u…in ur bed…why did i believe that aslan?
i should have known on the may 5th…when i asked u if u ever felt like ur heart was crumbling to a million pieces…i should have known when u wanted to stop our online conversations….it was all right there…but u being the sweet thoughtful man that u r…
i stop typing and my head will naturally pinpoint the time, date, moment i lost u (that is if i really every graduated from platonic back on 3/5/06) i feel awful aslan…the thousands of lies u had to tell the sick girl in the hospital…none of it true? God, none of it true and i should have maybe been smart enough to see it…but i was never in love b4…i didnt know what was normal.
i’m sry…God, i’m sry! how could u let me do this to u?
a million pieces…it’s shattered…and it is so cold…and even if i begged u to tell me they’re both wrong…could i believe anymore (could i have the courage not to believe in u??)

u r the only man who has ever showed this much caring for me…i didnt want to let go…i never do…



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May 26, 2007 – Saturday


Current mood:

HAHAHA! ..> Aquarius



You are very random, changing moods everyday. You are very genuine, and you like to do a lot sexually. You usually have your choice of hotties and can give them a night they will never forget. Fun and sensual, when you finally find something that you like, you like it a lot and want your lover to like it too.


Ideally you like to find a partner who is as into sex as you are. You want a lover who is just as independent as you are and you like an equal amount of give and take in the sack.


Sex matches:  Libra, fellow Aquarians, and fun-loving Gemini



yeah, right!


Currently listening :
The Best of the Fifth Dimension
By The 5th Dimension
Release date:
21 November, 1998

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April 17, 2007 – Tuesday


dont know what to do with myself…so blog-it
Current mood:

1. how old will you be in 10 months?
ummm…. if i counted my fingers right i will be 25… 
2. Do you think you’ll be married by then?
unless its an act of God or a drunken trip to Vegas,  probably not.
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months ?
ahhh…considering the “ample” options, studying the blueprints…considering my best routes of escape…(eh, can i get back to u on this??)
4. Who was the last person you called?
Aslan…he is the only person i call…the only reason i have a phone…well that and 911 (supposedly), but they just don’t appreciate social calls like they should…come on…afterall it is ME.
5. Who was the last person to call you?
Aslan on April 15th…he was going to a concert, but called in what lil time he had to tell me loved me.
6. Do you prefer to call or text?
his voice


7. Do you have any pets?
a couple surgeons in training…they paint toe nails and play cards with me…not quite lap-dog sized, but they’re as close as i’ve ever gotten to having a retriever
8. What were you doing at 12am last night?
staring at an empty computer screen…been doing that alot…need to find a new hobby


9. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Married (idk…happily…maybe) they were college sweethearts who actually made it, inspite of the fact that I was a total oops.  KIND OF THREW A WRENCH IN THEIR PLANS, NOW DIDN’T I?  Melissa Jolie–Screwing Things Up since 1983.  lol

10. When is the last time you saw your dad?
in person? like with both of us having our eyes open??? idk…a few years

11. Who was the last person you kissed?
i was sorta getting by on dream kisses lately…the last actual kiss was only my second…no third person i kissed ever (counting Gino Tamilia in the 1st grade)…i’ve been saving my kisses for someone special…i will be fine with dream kisses

12. How many states have you lived in?
ummm…two…but one shouldnt count b/c i was unconscious when i crossed the border

13. How many cities/towns have you lived in?

14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
fmps  (lol?)

15. Are you a social person?
Freakishly… which sucks atm b/c i have been isolated from the world for over a year and getting quite stir crazy (but it’s too late to do anything about that)
16. What was the last thing you ate?
orange jello…which oddly enough tasted like the green jello i had for lunch


17. What is your favorite ice cream?
depends…strawberry…unless it’s Ben and Jerry’s and then it is totally Cherry Garcia…for sherbet i prefer orange flavored

18. What is your favorite dessert?
imagined or real?? b/c my fav imagined dessert causes excessive blushing

20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
strawberry (grape jelly gives me hiccups…seriously)
21. Do you like coffee?
when i worked i would have a cup…i dont NEED it…it smells far better than it actually tastes


22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?
omg…idk…is that bad??

23. What do you drink in the morning?
milk product of some kind, and juice of some fruit

24. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
i have a choice? i only know sleeping alone…

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
i was supposed to be on the left…i have been practicing

26. Do you know how to play poker?
strip poker…and i suck at it!!!

27. Do you like to read?

28.  If you could change your first OR last name, what would you change it to?
not a choice that is mine…let’s not go there
29. Do you eat out or at home more often?
i survived by taking nibbles at work…i guess we could say i ate out alot!!! (saves on the grocery bill…lol)


30. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Oprah…cool, huh? i mean…THE most powerful woman in the world…and me!!!

32. Do you speak any other languages?
forgot more than i remember

33. Have you ever gotten stitches?

34. Have you ever been in an ambulance?

35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
ocean…no wait… i guess i cant say that…geez Melissa…say something true and not what u dream!!! (i have never been to the ocean)

36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
of what? on the big yellow bus that took me to school?? it didn’t matter as long as i got to sit next to someone nice

37. How do you like your steak?
med to med well (it really depends on the restaurant)…i like mine cooked and not crawling

38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
when i have spare money? victoria secrets…just the process of putting lingerie on can make me feel 100% better than i do now (i really could use a vs spree atm!!!)

39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
they take it off of u for certain things
40. What is your favorite TV show(s)?
Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City, Simpsons i guess…never did get around to watching Family Guy …u cant really watch tv alone though…
41. Can you roll your tongue?
i can do alot of things with my tongue… lol


42. Who is the funniest person you know?
funniest is Kaz…the most fun is Aslan

43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

44. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
idk…i think it is silent

45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
no…i have nothing

46. What is the color of your bedroom walls?

47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
no…the water keeps me company

48. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed?
closed and lights on!!!

49. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of killer bees?
Jesus…i’d take either at this point

50. Do you flirt a lot?
no…i’ve been cured…(r we quite done with this now?)

51. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
havent had one in a while…what r my options?

53. Can you change the oil on a car?
no…dont have a car  (thankfully only a few more to go to prove how truly insignificant and lacking i am…)

54. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

55. Do you dance in the car?
if i could i would dance anywhere to anything…with anyone… 
(WE’RE DONE!!!!)


Currently listening :
By Pat McGee Band
Release date:
11 April, 2000

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March 30, 2007 – Friday


but in my heart he was never an illusion
Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

how to explain the unexplainable to those who step through there lives without seeing?
yes, i met him at a time when we were both so low that there was really no place to look…except we both chose to look up and out…met him in that dark hole of despair we had been sunk in…restrained in…both optimists who were beaten by those we trusted…and for a brief moment in time, we allowed the others to take away our hopes and dreams…for a brief time, both he and i, in our own separate worlds, began believing the words and the limitations they saw in us…
that is until we met…and spoke…and sparked hope in each other…so few others would have the courage he and i had, not only to escape our own darkness, but to throw and hand back and help the other…up and out…and to stay…above all else…to stay
perhaps it was that instant connection i felt with him…a kinship…an unbreakable bond with, and admiration of, him…for his ability to ALWAYS go beyond what others considered limitations…his desire, above all, not to be dragged down by the responsibilities and heartbreaks that sometimes occur in life (save for that one overwhelming moment)…but to constantly look at life as an adventure to enjoy.
i had spent years doing that very thing myself. i never wore the troubles of my day, but instead looked ahead to the next moment…both he and i are one in our firm belief in possibilities.
he can take the ordinary (a remnant of drywall) and turn it into a canvass for the purest heart…he has a knack for seeing beauty in a gray city skyline…and the gift of both thought and speech to take anyone along with him and see the beauty that lays just beyond the horizon. his soft tones speak and a calming wave surrounds and protects instantly….but when the time is right (and timing is something he knows best of all) he can create a playful tone and you are off with him on an amazing and magical adventure.
he is not afraid of dreams!
most people waste their days as pieces on an dismal gray assembly line…neither looking up or to the side…they lack his gifts: optimism, imagination, creativity, patience and selflessness.


(just so you know: a “selfish” person does not do all that he has done. a “selfish” person does not leave lil notes for me to encourage and comfort…the “selfish” person does not go out of his way to create smiles…the “selfish” one does not grab a hand and take a person in need of kindness and safety up and out so that they can see the possibilities of tomorrow. the “selfish” person does not lend his skill [and not just his skill at drinking] to help the needy, by building or fixing a house, or helping a neighbor push their stuck car. the “selfish” person does not wait patiently or come back, because the “selfish” person cannot see or appreciate the needs beyond their own skin.)
he is fun, not in the frivolous way, but in a way the enjoys the moment. a gentleman, a romantic to his very core with a vivid and wild imagination that thoroughly enjoys tickling mine at every moment…he is everything spoken here and more.
of course it is impossible to explain the unexplainable to others…what can they know about something they themselves cannot feel? but you only need to see my face…eyes glowing; smile wide and sincere; a rosy blush burning…to know…i have met the man i love…and he is my everything…a billion and one things stated in a blog could not compare what i feel in the warmth of my heart for him.
Am I living in an illusion?

Wanting something I can’t see
If I compromise, I’d be living lies
Pretending love’s not meant to be
‘Cause I know my heart’s worth saving
And I know that he’ll be waiting
So I’ll hold on and I’ll stay strong ’till then
‘Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
And though we’ve never been together
Though we’ve never really touched
We’ve never been apart 
No we’ve never met
But I know him by heart

Love You Aslan!!!



Currently listening :
Heart And Soul: New Songs From Ally McBeal Featuring Vonda Shepard (Television Series)
By Vonda Shepard
Release date:
09 November, 1999

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March 21, 2007 – Wednesday


what’s next?

what is next? idk…


i have been told goodbye so many times u would imagine that it would lose its sting after a while. it doesnt. being left never stops hurting…and these words i recognize i say as my own journaled thoughts for his reasons for being here…for posting…(whatever they were derived from) have long since stopped.
just as well, being whiney bitch blubbering on a blog is not the most attractive moment in my life.
Eric said the decision was in haste. Eric said that he, alone, said things to chase my love away. Eric admits to being a jerk. (i should enjoy the moment because guys so rarely recognize the idiot gene in themselves, but i cannot, because the fault is mine alone.)
if only…a mile long list of if onlies…none of which were ever going to be attainable. he knew it. it is why he left.
i heard her voice i think…Dave showed me a pic and i heard her voice. she is lovely. she looked happy…i heard her voice and she suddenly became quite real
and when pressing him for honest answers…even he could see no future…not with me…it was not something he looked forward to (for a month i have brought him dread and forced him to lie)…this man i love with all of my heart…the Journal is only a small part of it…i demand without demanding just by me being who i am…and i hurt without any way of fixing or defending…how is that proof of love?
when asked he saw no future…nothing beyond “yeah, i’d see u”…there was a time…yeah, i k…then he saw the scars and heard the limitations…not just physical…but true limitations that effect his life…and he cannot be blamed for looking away
i wanted to fix…i wanted to protect…but i could not betray my promises to him…i needed to fix the hurt i was causing…i could hear it in her voice…all the hurt i was causing.

he will no longer come near. it is ok. it is not Eric or Dave or her fault. it is mine.

i am sry he felt obligated to return when his life was so happy. i am sry for the pain i caused him and his girl (i am truly sry Aslan and Jenna!!!!!)

i have 3 Myspace profiles and can go back to none. i am alone. but anyone who causes that much hurt to that girl should be alone. i am sry Jenna!!! i am sry!!! he talks to me he says ur name…it is NOT me he wants. please…omg…please…i would not hurt either of u for the world!!!!!

i’m sry!

i have a ring and i will be moving to VA and u will be safe…and i’m sry…please believe me….i am sry!!!


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February 25, 2007 – Sunday


tell me…
Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

tell me that u did not cry in dec
(or at the very least it wasn’t b/c of me)
tell me that mine was not ur last letter
b/c u should have notes in ur pockets every day
(a whole lifetime of them and u know why)
tell me that u have smiled every morning
and that each day we were apart
ur life was happy and full
tell me that even in rare dark gloomy hours
u had comforting memories that u could hold
tell me that the plans we’ve created
while special for us
were always what u have wanted
tell me i don’t demand too much
and u have no regrets (ur having just as much fun)
tell me there is something about me
that will make u stay for another day
tell me that i do not hurt u
or that i am frustrating and impossible
(make u sad or destroy ur life in any way)
tell me the slightest thought of me makes u smile
b/c thoughts of u comfort my soul
u fill me and make me tremble as b4
ur words light my imagination and hope
tell me, please tell me, u will stay just a lil bit more


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February 21, 2007 – Wednesday


Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

it is 9:50 AM and i will be receivng pt in a few. i have been up since our last ” i love u’s” (and wanting so badly to pull u back in bed with me). but even in ur absence there is lil i can do that will keep my mind off of u.
i do yoga now, just a few movements that i can do by myself. being in gymnastics all those years must have had some benefit. the pt is amazed at how tone and flexible some of my muscles still are. my upper body…no problem…i can bend and arch upward (it will, of course, be far more fun when one of my arms can pull against your shoulder, while your hand rest against the small of my back and i can arch into u…into us…again and again.)
i like lingering at that thought for a few. slowly and sweetly as if i am moving against ur skin now. it has been a very long while, but ur words bring me back to this want of us so easily. gentle touches with words. incredible tastes and sensations i cant seem to distract myself from (since the moment i thought the words…hoped the words were from u).
i have been out of it so long i dont recognize most of the music on the radio…or maybe it is the culture of down here. there are a whole bunch of hispanic stations…not remember much spanish…i can’t really tell if they are singing happy things or telling me how to bake a cake. so i flip the channel until i came to a song i recognized…i’m kinda parked on an oldies channel…the first time i scanned past it the station was playing “only you” but that was immediately followed by “wonderful tonight” and i had the nurse shut it off. i didnt mind the memories of u…just missed the memories and possibilities of us …if that makes any sense.
honestly my love, i dont like dwelling there…except in the fact that u thought i didnt trust u in the end of last fall. i fear that that may have been the final push off. there is just so much constantly churning inside my head that i didnt know what to share or what annoyed u…i’m sure things must have looked so much cleaner when u left the computer screen and me and went out. my fault…so i was telling u the wrong pieces and keeping quiet on the fears that really tore me inside (losing u).
it’s not a fear of intimacy. it’s a fear of not being perfect for u…not feeling right or being somehow deformed or undesirable to a man who has had many beautiful women… it’s not the fear of ur face or ur touch…it’s the fear of losing u…the only man…the only person i let inside of me…his thoughts…his endless smiles…his comfort…his dreams…my friend.
it was there then…it is constantly snapping me back out of the dreamlike state i have been in since monday. no kisses, no touches, no amazing embraces i think i can handle…but silence from u scares me more deeply than anything in this world. see..i can go back to rochester. i could even walk right up to him and laugh in his face…let him do what he wants…but losing u…again?…it scares me so much.
and then like a wave u come over me again…closing my eyes i am dancing…the song they are playing is “when a man loves a woman.”

u came back. u came back! i never wished or wanted anything so hard in my life…and u did…u came back (but to cover bases, my wishes always included “or let him be with whoever makes him happiest, b/c his happiness is most important.”). i made deals with God, that if the other beautiful girl got u this time…i’d prove i could be extra good and maybe he’d let me have u in the next lifetime. (i k…i’m silly like that)

i love u so! words cannot really explain how or why…they all fall far short. but like a slow and sweet familiar song on the radio…i love this…the last few days…the possibilities of u…(u r always about the possibilities)…eyes closed…in my mind…i am, as ever, with u…dancing…resting my head against ur chest…ur head tilted and resting atop mine…arms wrapped and slowly massaging…bodies softly swaying to the song…any song…every song…even commercial jingles.

it has been a few days since “through my eyes” has written “buttercup”…i am who i am…i panic…and then ur warmth floods over me…and like not rummaging through a toy box, not getting sleep because evenings have been filled with conversations with u…my overnights have been filled with the most sensual experiences (well except one…i went into ur closet to find my pink victoria secret outfit…smiling b/c i saw the drywall and ur clothes that i put my face against to get the last traces of ur scent off…but i discovered my pink chiffon and silk wasnt there…and i was a lil sad thinking u had given it to ur girl…but then i heard this strange noise coming from ur living room…ur roommate todd [dont ask] was vaccuming the floor while singing “baby love” in falsetto…wearing my pink lingerie!!! lol…i moved from that moment into a better dream…well even the next one had comical moments…us getting ready to climb in ur bed for the first time…my body revved [pretty much like it has been since monday. lol] and ur there setting up multiple tv trays of provisions…water…stereo and tv remote…energy bars…lotion…candles…wine glasses…sauteed mushrooms…small reading light and books…jumbo case of condoms…the set up went on and on….omg…and other dream-fantasies far more…mmmmm…u know? and…omg…another one that had something to do with what ur friend rob did once in bed…it sent me in a panic…except…well.*blushes*…it didnt turn out to be THAT…omg…omg…omg…i love u!!! even this distance…even this separation…thoughts of u do have this amazing effect…and God…i love u!)

so many things Aslan…thoughts, feelings…sooooo much love for u spinning in me…and holding me…i love u Aslan!!!

i love u Aslan! more than u can ever imagine. u came back!!!! u cant possibly know what that means…a million years and u would never guess. u r everything wonderful in the world Aslan. u r everything.

Kaz will be coming in later and will probably take this away from me at some point. just know please…know in ur heart…in silence or spoken…i love u. i was only meant to love one man…that man is u!

i love u Aslan!!!!

~your tink



Currently listening :
It Tears Me Up: The Best of Percy Sledge
By Percy Sledge
Release date:
21 April, 1992

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February 20, 2007 – Tuesday


mistaken identity
Current mood:
Romance and Relationships

am i at the point of my movie where my handsome prince returns and we live happily ever after? i wanted to scream to him and race to his arms and drive off in the moonlit glow of last night.
it is so tough to hold this here. silence is a killer. him, his words, his (imagined yes) every move, awakens so many things in me. i want to be in his arms from this day forward.
he is so much more than words can describe. please don’t let it all be a dream (and if it was, let it be a dream that i no longer wake from because it is there i wish to live.)
i was only meant to love one. it is him.



Currently listening :
By Van Morrison
Release date:
25 October, 1990

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my moon
Current mood:

i went for a walk last night

in search of a friend so dear
outside the window in my hall
beyond the lights and glare
i needed to see his familiar shape
his glow, his strength and guide
but needing is a scary word
(the reason he may have gone to hide)
i had a summer affair with this radiant moon
as he hung high among the stars
lighting my dark corners and painting scenes
that i had no courage to know
his brightness gently touched my face
his kindness a tranquil caress
in his glow i was made beautiful
(far more than i should have had, i guess)
i was longing for him yesterday
piecing signs that he was still near
i think i may have mistaken my hope
for his illuminating promise
i miss my friend so very much
our endless whispers and dreams
but he’s miles and hearts away from me
happily brightening some other land
~sorry…i think i was reading far too much into what i hoped i saw…the one i seek is not 23 and Conn is not a place he’s mentioned before~



Currently listening :
A Piano: The Collection
By Tori Amos
Release date:
26 September, 2006

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