5 12 2008

Dear God,

please ease Lilly’s discomfort. she coughs so and it shakes her whole body…shivering and shaking from fever and fear. please God, give her rest. the coughing started in around 6:30 last evening…were there signs before that that i ignored? i am such a horrible mother! she shakes and coughs and then the pain from the coughs makes her cry which in turn make her cough again…her hair is pinned to her forehead with sweat and her watery eyes look to me for relief and i can offer her none.

i called the drs. office and could only get a late appt with the nurse practioner who dismissed the symptoms as a simple virus. didnt she read Lilly’s file? she has a heart condition and is more susceptible to RSV. no meds. coughing and meds? she said that is the new protocol…no meds and no otc suggestions.

i have never wept in a drs. office like that before. i never wanted to make a scene…i was operating on 2.5 hrs of sleep myself…i am so very sorry. i didnt mean to cry…no meds? i’m so sorry…she was just doing her job…and when i cry, Lilly cries…then coughs…then cries more

if only i had saved some of the meds from last time…but they come in ridiculously small bottles…and they are impossible to fit the medicine syringe in…measure out appropriate amounts and put them in the baby…inevitibly some of the medication leaks out of the corners of her mouth…or it spills b/c Lilly struggles with the process and turns herself this way and that way. (or it curdles in her stomach and she spits it up leaving me hoping that it did some good in the small amount of time it was actually within her body) baby medicine should come in bulk-size so that even i cant screw it up! but no…baby medicine comes in tiny quantities that cost nearly $100 each (even with the discount).

and drs. visits are $65…even if they do nothing

baby advil is $12…and i do not know how much the ticket would have cost…i remember driving down Middle Rd and being stopped at the stoplight…and watching the trucks pass before me as they make their way to 390…i remember the darkness and the glare from the lights… and the next thing i remember was the officer knocking at my window. drs. then wegmans for baby advil and it was 10 PM… i had fallen asleep at the traffic light…eyes open, but asleep…or checked out

he knocked, she cried…i came to. Henrietta police? he followed me down to a Sunoco and bought me a coffee (i dont drink coffee, but if it gets me out of a ticket…bring it!) i received a sympathetic lecture… then he followed me up 390 to the split for 490 to Roch (he went the other way thankfully…i was not sure how to handle it if he kept following me home).

i am a horrible person, unsuitable mother, unqualified worker…broken and damaged. i fell asleep with my daughter in the vehicle!!

please God…i have spent the night up rocking and walking and holding Lilly. we go in the steam of the bathroom, until, i guess i ran out of hot water completely (it only comes ice cold now)…i dont know what that is all about.

(9 AM edit—> broken water heater…obviously this was the answer to my prayers? $850…i give up…i resign! nothing, i can do nothing. i want and i am punished for speaking those desires…this is clearly a sign… clearly my answer!)

i have therapy at 9…which i should cancel, but will be looked upon suspiciously if i do. shouldnt the fact that i have no money left to make it through the next week and a half be enough?

and then… if there were any doubt…he did not call or text (not that he should have been expected to…idk…i’m completely messed up…COMPLETELY!) instead i received 1 call and 2 texts from her/them.

b/c i needed a reminder. i should not have said all that i had the other night to him…false confidence b/c it seemed that everything might be… but then i spoke…said nearly all that was in my heart and repulsed him. (and she must have found out which is why i have been issued a new series of threats)

nvm…things and stuff


i have a sick daughter and am working with no sleep…what else can his girl do to me? Lilly is sick…i have nothing to offer her and no way to comfort her…what could be worse?

please God, take care of my Lilly (and my Aslan, Zach and Michael)

(i need to be grateful for the moments…they were more than i deserved)

idk what i’m doing…i just know it hurts