12 06 2009

it was a message a few days old…i only noticed it because i was short $63.71 for a bill and needed to dig into the cookie jar (the savings place for all things precious and painful…which is where i keep the phones so Lilly doesnt get at them anymore).

there were a few voice messages i chose not to listen to…but for an insanely stupid reason i allowed my heart to be hopeful when i saw the texts messages (but not a one was from you…which i really should have known.)

what was there left me numb (though, yes, i know it should not have… i know you left more than an hour ago…i do…i know that maybe what she/they/whoever said is true and you were never “with” me…only with her.)

oh please…i dont know when it will stop…these feelings and that stupid hope…i dont know how to stop (besides what they tell me i need to do to appease them…my punishment for loving a man who was never mine)

i saw her/their/whoever’s message…and i know now it is final

a baby!!!

you and she are expecting a baby (i dont know why i feel it isnt long enough…i dont know why i keep thinking you just left…i, of all people know that it only takes one instance…i’m sorry for being so selfish)

you are engaged and expecting a baby with the girl you love… i know that is what you want. you are a good father and though i thought you wanted children only with me… i know i really misread that.

you are having another baby…i am happy for you, really…because i know that you love children and you have wanted more for a very long time.

congratulations to you, Zach, Mike and your girl…all the sweetest blessings to you all!!!

i dont think the rain will be so bad…i think i need to take a walk (but leave Lilly home). just something i need to do. (old neighborhood and Meigs i guess…nothing was real…nothing meant for me)

Protected: everything doesnt have to be this hard…

13 01 2009

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you make me tremble…

14 10 2008

there have…in my life…been people who made me tremble. they were the types of people who would make a 350 lbs linebacker tremble…in fear

you make me tremble for an entirely different reason. i’m not sure if you’ve ever heard it in my voice, but i am shaking right now…upon thoughts of you…as i type (and retype) this. i long to hear your voice…but at what cost?


dont you know what the sound of your voice does to me? dont you understand the effort…the control it takes for me to make sure i dont spoil what you already have… what you have that so obviously makes you happy?

dont you know the effort it takes to convince myself that niceness doesnt mean what i want it to mean.

you have never spent hours staring down at a keyboard knowing that no matter what you do or say…it will inevitibly lead to disaster, abandonment and losing you again

why do you have to be so incredible?

don’t you know how frightened i am to move? you test me with phone calls… completely oblivious that i have been hounded…tormented by phone calls from different numbers for a very long time. is it you this time…is it her/them?

you are ashamed of me because i am such a coward!

and yet….

why do you have to be such a wonderful, incredible, generous, thoughtful, sweet, loving, creative, nice, bold, amazing and gorgeous smartass that i want so badly but cant have.

you are my punishment…for a life mislead…for all the guys-for-a-night from the bars who i stole without care for sport from their gfs (i always planned on returning them). SHE/THEY are my constant tormentors…to remind me…what i cant have… and what i can lose.

the one guy who didnt chose me (but who i still wanted so desperately in my life somehow…stupid and suicidal, huh?)

i didnt mean to hurt her…get that? i didnt mean to hurt her! i told you long ago that i could not fight for you…you needed to want me…but i could not force anyone to want me…i’ve tried in my life to be wanted by people…it never works…it doesnt work for me anyhow. no one stays for me

and at the same time that you and i were telling each other everything that we keep secret from the rest of the world…you told me too… you told me that you have a tendency to revist old gfs when things get rough or when you’ve just broken up or fought with the current girl…you told me you rebound and revist…a junkies fix with a sure thing. (old gfs…except…Aslan, i’ve never had a boyfriend in my life)

i didnt mean to hurt her!

was i the rebound, the revist or the real thing? i just dont know…you dazzle me so much…i am soooo absolutely thrilled to have you in my life (even for a moment) that i simply dont care if i’m only supposed to be a temporary stop. i’m pretty clueless…i dont think i could ever tell the difference between someone actually liking me and someone wanting something from me.

it didnt help that she/they all told me it was the second choice…(it’s ok…that one has always been easier to believe and was the top reason why i always left whoever before 5AM… simply didnt expect whoever to remember me… simply didnt expect to matter…so i’d always leave before i’d get hurt…by them…by HIM… i’d leave

i dont know why you were different…i dont know why i let you inside… i didnt mean to fall in love with you.

but i also never meant to hurt her! she/they dont believe it…but it is absolutely true!

and every time you leave… i let you leave… silently without a fight…because i know (despite your great “i’ll never…” proclamations to the contrary)… you leave me to go back to her… your real choice

i do not chase after… i do not look in…when you leave, you make your feelings very clear by their silence…you want to be left alone

and i dont push or follow…for fear of hearing “i hate you” or “dont call, message, e-mail…” (you know the words… i dont look or follow … i give you the space and freedom of me that you desire)

and if you think this being said is somehow a criticism of you…you’d be wrong, because there is no anger or malice or loathing in me for you… just love Aslan… always just love for who you are. i wouldnt change you for the world… (i have thought on that considerably…and there is nothing i would change…i knew i wasnt the magic pill that would cause you to drink less, give up smoking or remain faithful to a person who neither excited nor interested you…)

i knew Aslan… the “i love yous” stopped…and it was fine…i was happy for whatever moment you could spare…because you ARE that wonderful…you ARE that precious… you are treasured because of who you are!!! (i knew you didnt love me… told you, i’m not the one they love…what i didnt realize was… somewhere along the line you stopped liking me…i just ignored the signs for a chance to be with you… you are everything!)

i would never want to do anything that would hurt the happiness you have found. (i just like keeping the memories of the moments tightly held to my heart…and replay them as needed…but sometimes even those you needed to remind me were too much for someone like me to expect)

so when you called out of the blue and i didnt know how to breathe… i know she/they will lash-out if they uncover it. i know i will become intoxicated by you… lost my heart and it is soooooo very difficult to keep my thoughts clear around you.

you call and i find myself thinking of your smirk… hearing your voice… your laugh… that glint in your eyes…looking forward to stories of your boys, your work, the truck, what you’re listening to, hamburger helper… i look forward to it all… every waking moment with thoughts of you…and then you invade my dreams…making me smile

you didnt pick up on it…me trying to be brave that day (i text when i know i will lose control hearing your voice…) telling you goodbye…without telling you goodbye… i dont want to cry or cause you distress… no guilt… you made your choice and you were always free to do so without having some meaningless girl chase at your heels… i’d text…quietly, mutely text so i did not hear your voice… smooth, charming, sensual….

text because i know what i ought to do

i know what i want to do…but i know what i ought to do (as i did on your birthday)

i dont know why you come back…but i dont want to hurt your girl… and i dont want your girl to hurt Lilly (me, i can live on the street without money… Lilly cant)

so i tremble…and in shame i stare helpless at a keyboard…cowering behind a device…i text things i dont mean to say

because… i cant read people or situations

and so i close my eyes…and tremble

resisting thoughts of your mouth against mine

resisting thoughts of your hands warm and sure…caressing my skin


i am trying to do what i should for everyone’s happiness…yours, hers, Lilly’s

and so i trying to do the impossible…by resisting you

(but maybe one text message will be ok?)