10 01 2009

Molly is 5 years old today. Bryan brought her by to pick up her cake. i had been invited to the princess-themed party too (Molly wanted me to be the sleeping beauty princess…lol…sleeping…lol) but i just couldnt do it. i’m really not suitable for human company.

i dont think that will ever change again…

her cake was a great distraction thou2326673147_128d00b644gh. Bryan had brought her over and she and i looked for just the right one from tons of pics. i enjoyed the distraction…and i enjoyed her help putting on the finishing touches. she came over already dressed as Cinderella. Lilly was suppose to go as Jasmine (though Molly said that there were probably going to be a couple Jasmines and no Little Mermaid b/c two of her friends from preschool fought over it…lol)

see? female pettiness starts early! lol

but Molly became bored of cake decorating and wandered off to what is of Lilly’s books/toys…and i guess Bryan felt obligated to cheer me up….idk why…he knows lil of me…he’s been spared my things and stuff (or at least the things and stuff he cannot see). he is not a confidant, nor will he ever be…but i let him talk (b/c it would have been rude not to).

why do birthdays compel people to tell “on the day you were born stories”?

he told me of his wife…their short marriage and how Molly came to be after 15 mos of their being together. he said he should have known from Molly’s birth that his wife wasnt going to she wanted little to do with Molly after her birth. he said you can always tell good parents from the bad ones b/c good parents find reasons to be with their children and a bad one will find reasons to escape or dump their children on others. he wondered to me what kind of mother doesnt seek and receive custody of her child? (his ex sees Molly only twice a month)

heightened paranoia i guess…was this an analogy? was he subversively criticizing me? does he believe i am a bad mother too? idk

he told me personal stuff i only barely listened to. asked again and again for me to come to Molly’s party. explained how parties and ocassions with friends, when you are a solo guy are awkward b/c the whole night you are constantly reminded of Noah’s Ark…everyone paired off in neat lil packages of two happy adults…plus children.

so many things i should not have heard about my contractor. how he never imagined that Molly would be 4, then 5 and so on without having another child…a sibling…to join her.

that one stung…was it only 2 weeks ago when i thought i was chosen to be the mother of Aslan’s children. “We dont have to stop, but I was thinking two more. With you”…ok…got it…stupid, stupid, stupid memory. why is every aspect of my life marred with …scared with horrible and hurtful memories??? two days after he said that he wanted children with me he supposedly… reportedly…she said he […] (i was not the one he chose afterall) …idk he’s gorgeous and desirable… idk… but he did stop talking (and with good reason!)

around here things change quickly from moment to moment…just karma taunting and punishing me b/c of what i am, i suppose…it is what it is

Lilly will be my only child. there are probably several very good reasons for God designing my life that way….i have fallen in love only once…i love him still (regardless of who she/they tell me he’s been …he is with)…i love him still and always…that has not changed in 3 yrs… it will not change in the future… though i have absolutely nothing of value to offer him…and i will stay far and away from him b/c that is what he wants most…my feelings will never change and he will never be replaced.

meh…birthdays…cakes…guys wanting me for show…saying all the right things out of boredom so i’d put out? (i’m really not that hard to fool i guess) …idk… birthdays make you remember where you have been [and all the wasted time]…i tried to distract myself from it all by the realization that Molly, Lilly and i were all born in January…clusters of birthdays (but then i remember that Aslan’s birthday was flanked by my brother and sister’s birthdays…one on each side)


on the day you were born stories…

on the day i was born my mom rejected me…she and my dad later left the hospital without me. it took several weeks for my grandparents to gain the rights for me

on the day Lilly was born…it was too soon…they told me she would not make it if she was born before mid-February (and there were no guarantees if she was born in February b/c she was due in April) but there were problems and complications…for days i was bedridden at Emily’s house on Beverly…and after weeks of trying, he was miserable and wanted nothing to do with me (my fault)

two hours before she was born Aslan said goodbye (he didnt know…well he knew the basics…i’m screwed up, not nearly good enough, and awful to be near…that was enough i suppose…) he only heard, but could not know what it is to have your brother’s life terminated by a Texas court…what it was to be conflicted over loyalties between a mother you never really knew and feared……what it was like to want a family, just once in my life and be wanted back by them…a life you wanted to provide your own child…he couldnt understand the constant hounding phone calls, like the one from his friend telling me that i was NOT who he should be with…and that horrible thud he presented to me weeks earlier when he let me know that we would have to wait to introduce Lilly to his parents…a year at least so it wouldn’t look bad…no, it was easier to explain me as a single parent once Lilly was far older. single parents sometimes meet single parents…he needed me to do that for him…he needed me to stay covered, quiet and hidden 

of course i understood…they never even knew i existed. of course i’d be hard to explain…he’d been living with another girl so much of the time, but they couldnt know that while he was with her, he was also with me….only Adam knew. well…Adam and Dan maybe…and Morgan. (but even in their knowing, did they really know?)

but Aslan said goodbye not knowing i was already in pain…had been in pain for over a week and was restricted to bed…less than an half hour later i began hemorrhaging…like i had been in a car wreck. Jon came and took me to the hospital…i remember i didnt want to go…i remember thinking if i went she wouldnt make it… Jon was so angry with my “stupidity over Aslan” but he found me a pic and carried me to the car…and fretted about his carseats beneath my blankets and towels.

shortly after dropping me off Jon told me he’d be leaving too (he doesnt do babies). he checked me in, handed me another pic and told me that it was quite obvious that the only man i was ever going to let […]

Jon told me something and then i was alone…well alone with 2 nurses, 1 tech and 2 or 3 doctors…idk…the pain was blinding and all i remember is the sense of warm liquid…blood everywhere and being told there was no time…too late for a c-section (which i was supposed to have b/c of a pelvic fracture)…stripped and stretched…and for the most part ignored…except for the biting commands of push…barking commands…and beeping monitors

too fast…too soon…all wrong!!!

and then there was silence and all but one raced to the other side of the room.

on the day Lilly was born i wanted to hold her, but she was not crying. i thought she was dead and i wanted to hold her just once…but they wisked her away

and i called after the last one to take his pic and put it with her…he needed to watch over her (i know…what was i thinking! he had said goodbye and wasnt coming back…or so i thought)

on the day Lilly was born i had thought i had killed her…like my brother, sister and father…gone…all my fault. i was told later that she was still alive. they wanted her name for her bracelet…but i was in shock and out-of-it and rotating between crying out of happiness and crying from deep sadness…they told me she weighed 3 lbs (but the papers i was given later said 2.6 lbs)…on the day she was born i was crushed and happy and hopeful and lost

he had left…and in error i told them Sweeney (for a little over 12 hours Lilly wore a bracelet that said Sweeney…it wasnt purposeful…just ditzy, over-emotional head…still he would have been angry if he had known)…they would not let me see her, but they made the necessary corrections to her bracelet, the file and Keri’s pic once i realized what i had done…

she was attached to miles of wires and tubes and her eyes were taped shut, but at the end of her crib was his pic…smiling along with his son…looking down on her and keeping her well

Aslan later called and came to the hospital chapel to pray for her…they had already booted me from the hospital (insurance) before i was actually allowed to touch her

on the day she was born he loved her more than nearly anyone else on this earth (except his son)…he just didnt know it

Lilly turns 1 on the 31st of this month. i will be 26 just two days prior to that. Molly is 5…she is the daughter of my contractor

people need to keep in their appropriate places…never stretching for more than is rightfully theirs…and most importatly, NEVER, letting others close enough to their things and stuff to see the scars that are always spoiling the sweetness.

(everything looks far better from a distance, right? 6 days of “I love you” left…then…)


5 12 2008

Dear God,

please ease Lilly’s discomfort. she coughs so and it shakes her whole body…shivering and shaking from fever and fear. please God, give her rest. the coughing started in around 6:30 last evening…were there signs before that that i ignored? i am such a horrible mother! she shakes and coughs and then the pain from the coughs makes her cry which in turn make her cough again…her hair is pinned to her forehead with sweat and her watery eyes look to me for relief and i can offer her none.

i called the drs. office and could only get a late appt with the nurse practioner who dismissed the symptoms as a simple virus. didnt she read Lilly’s file? she has a heart condition and is more susceptible to RSV. no meds. coughing and meds? she said that is the new protocol…no meds and no otc suggestions.

i have never wept in a drs. office like that before. i never wanted to make a scene…i was operating on 2.5 hrs of sleep myself…i am so very sorry. i didnt mean to cry…no meds? i’m so sorry…she was just doing her job…and when i cry, Lilly cries…then coughs…then cries more

if only i had saved some of the meds from last time…but they come in ridiculously small bottles…and they are impossible to fit the medicine syringe in…measure out appropriate amounts and put them in the baby…inevitibly some of the medication leaks out of the corners of her mouth…or it spills b/c Lilly struggles with the process and turns herself this way and that way. (or it curdles in her stomach and she spits it up leaving me hoping that it did some good in the small amount of time it was actually within her body) baby medicine should come in bulk-size so that even i cant screw it up! but no…baby medicine comes in tiny quantities that cost nearly $100 each (even with the discount).

and drs. visits are $65…even if they do nothing

baby advil is $12…and i do not know how much the ticket would have cost…i remember driving down Middle Rd and being stopped at the stoplight…and watching the trucks pass before me as they make their way to 390…i remember the darkness and the glare from the lights… and the next thing i remember was the officer knocking at my window. drs. then wegmans for baby advil and it was 10 PM… i had fallen asleep at the traffic light…eyes open, but asleep…or checked out

he knocked, she cried…i came to. Henrietta police? he followed me down to a Sunoco and bought me a coffee (i dont drink coffee, but if it gets me out of a ticket…bring it!) i received a sympathetic lecture… then he followed me up 390 to the split for 490 to Roch (he went the other way thankfully…i was not sure how to handle it if he kept following me home).

i am a horrible person, unsuitable mother, unqualified worker…broken and damaged. i fell asleep with my daughter in the vehicle!!

please God…i have spent the night up rocking and walking and holding Lilly. we go in the steam of the bathroom, until, i guess i ran out of hot water completely (it only comes ice cold now)…i dont know what that is all about.

(9 AM edit—> broken water heater…obviously this was the answer to my prayers? $850…i give up…i resign! nothing, i can do nothing. i want and i am punished for speaking those desires…this is clearly a sign… clearly my answer!)

i have therapy at 9…which i should cancel, but will be looked upon suspiciously if i do. shouldnt the fact that i have no money left to make it through the next week and a half be enough?

and then… if there were any doubt…he did not call or text (not that he should have been expected to…idk…i’m completely messed up…COMPLETELY!) instead i received 1 call and 2 texts from her/them.

b/c i needed a reminder. i should not have said all that i had the other night to him…false confidence b/c it seemed that everything might be… but then i spoke…said nearly all that was in my heart and repulsed him. (and she must have found out which is why i have been issued a new series of threats)

nvm…things and stuff


i have a sick daughter and am working with no sleep…what else can his girl do to me? Lilly is sick…i have nothing to offer her and no way to comfort her…what could be worse?

please God, take care of my Lilly (and my Aslan, Zach and Michael)

(i need to be grateful for the moments…they were more than i deserved)

idk what i’m doing…i just know it hurts